#fianc

I (33F) went to a fertility specialist after a year of trying to conceive with my fiancé (37M). It was the initial consultation which included an overview of what to expect and potential testing needed including genetic testing. I got my blood work done and my fiancé is saying he’s not willing to get tested because it wouldn’t change his mind on trying. Basically he thinks we shouldn’t let « science » change our plans to have children. I told him that I would not be okay knowingly trying for children if they could potentially have a life altering genetic problem passed down by us if we both carry a catastrophic recessive gene. He was not having it and basically said I’m a bad Christian for thinking that way. I feel like his dismissive behavior is a red flag and it makes me second guess whether having children with him is a good idea. AIO?

Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (93% confidence)

Top comment: “NOR, i think you are valid for wanting the test and valid for the way you feel about his response”

Notable comment: “NOR, when I had both of my kids I had them get the new born screening test and it saved my son’s life. When we brought him home at 3 days old I started to notice his skin went pale, he was lethargic and wouldn’t eat. At 5 days old I got a call from the state that his NBS came back abnormal and we needed to go to the nearest Children’s hospital asap.

He was diagnosed at 6 days old and was out on dialysis if I can go back I would have got more test done when I was pregnant to prepare for what would come.

I was with my son the entire time I didn’t have time to heal properly because I didn’t know if my son was going to make it. Seeing my days old baby with a IV in his neck contented to a big machine in the PICU was terrifying. I had doctors, students and social workers talk to me every other hour and I was just there listening because I couldn’t think straight. My husband and I are carriers of the disease and one of us is affected and the other isn’t.

My in-laws think my son has this disease because I didn’t stay in the house when we had the eclipse not because it’s genetic. 🙃”

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I (24f) had something bad happen to me recently. The bad thing also affected my fiancé and he has helped me through it. My problem is he doesn't want me to cut my hair off. I said it would be freeing of the event, and while he said he'd support it, he wouldn't find me "as attractive". I've never had short hair with him, only showed him photos of when I was younger. My real question is, AIO that he doesn't want me to cut my hair and do all men really love long hair or is he just being biased? I am bi by the way if that matters so I've always had a mix between men and women's hairstyles, with mostly women presenting. So AIO for being mad at him for not liking a shorter hairstyle (mostly because he views hair as gendered?)

Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (75% confidence)

Top comment: “do you have cancer? anyways, if he’s telling you he’d find you less attractive, he’s a pos. he’s allowed preferences but voicing them like that is disrespectful. NOR”

Notable comment: “NOR I met my ex husband when I had naturally blonde hair. Almost 20yrs later I wanted to go red, so dyed my hair. He preferred my blonde hair and wasn't that keen on the red, but never once tried to stop me dying it, or told me he was less attracted to me.

At the end of the day, any choices we make about ourselves, are our own to make. Your desire to cut your hair seems like a coping response to a traumatic event that happened to you and the fact your fiance is only thinking about his preferences and not what will help you heal, is pretty disgusting. To then even go so far as to say he would be less attracted to you?! I would be having serious doubts about staying with someone like that. This man has no empathy and is beyond selfish.”

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My (F) fiancé (M) is currently going through some health issues (not GI/stomach-related). They (M) told me (F) over dinner that their mom called them and asked if this could be due to “spices” my family may put in their food. For some context, I am Southeast Asian; they (M) are not. At first, I (F) told them (M) that it was kind of odd to point to food as a reason for their (M) current health issues (I’m emphasizing again, it is not GI/stomach-related). My fiancé’s mom just messaged me what they (M) initially told me, but directly to me:

“Did he get a call back from nurse? And I wonder if there’s a spice your family uses that he’s allergic to. Or even a food. Like I can’t drink certain alcohols, no dyes, and deer. Yes deer! I am allergic to deer meat.”

I told my fiancé that the comment had racist undertones. My fiancé dismissed it and said that she’s just trying to pinpoint what’s going on with them. AIO?

Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (80% confidence)

Top comment: “You’re not overreacting. Even if she meant well, singling out your culture’s food as a cause especially when it doesn’t medically make sense carries some real bias and it’s okay to call that out.”

Notable explanation: “NOR. A phrase I find helpful for situations like this is, "Oh, I don't know. Why do you ask?" And repeat ad nauseum.

"You know, he could have eaten something?" "Ok, but why are you asking me about spices?"  "I just thought you might know?" "Why would I know? Why are you asking me?"

It will feel exhausting, but her answers will get shorter and shorter as she trips over her answers trying not to be racist. It will make her less likely to ask things like this in the future if she's made to be uncomfortable when she asks.

And finally, save this one for when you're fed up: "What a strange thing to say out loud."

Make them uncomfortable back.”

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My fiancé and I have been together for over 5 years now and I've never shown a single ounce of violence or hate. I'm pretty soft inside and out but today I had a particularly bad day. Our argument was over the lack of emotional support from her end after my bad day (text responses like "ok" and even laughing at my misfortunes in person when I got home). During our argument, she said "I wasn't sure if you were going to hit me" and it caught me completely off guard. I don't have an ounce of violence in me, but it scared me that she was even capable of those words. I've never doubted our engagement until this very moment, and it scares me that I'm even thinking about it. AIO?

Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (64% confidence)

Top comment: “that comment from your fiancé is really concerning. it's one thing to have disagreements, but her saying she wasn't sure if you were going to hit her, especially after 5 years together, raises some serious red flags. even if she didn’t mean it in the moment, it’s a sign that something deeper is going on in the relationship, and that kind of emotional distance or fear shouldn’t be there. you’ve done nothing wrong, but it might be worth having a serious talk with her about why she feels that way, and how it makes you feel. trust is key in any relationship, and if something like this shakes that, it’s important to address it before moving forward. you’re not overreacting, you deserve to feel safe and respected, always.”

Notable explanation: “NOR. If I were you I’d be packing my bags already. Calmly and rationally packing my bags. I’d probably have a friend there just as an extra set of eyes and ears. Those are scary words she haphazardly tossed at you. I wouldn’t engage in any argument of any scale. I’d be very polite and get out of there as soon as I could. Better yet, do on a day she’s at work. Get your stuff, leave a very rational note and be gone….before you end up in jail. Hearing those words come out of her mouth would scare the crap out of me. I truly hope everything works out well for both of you. I just feel you’re in an unsafe environment atm and you need to go. Best regards”

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Moorish woman and her fiancé