#ffxvcrack

Title: Secrets best left forgotten

Rating: M/NSFW

Warnings: Non-descriptive hand jobs and one kiss. Stiff drinks and Aranea loosing her mind.

FFXV Crack Week 2018 : @ffxvcrackweek

Prompt: Kenny Crow x Ravus

I hope this makes out in time. Finally a PC and internet!

Ravus has a secret.

He always disappears to somewhere and then come back like nothing happened.

Aranea thought it was his sister and she was willing to turn a blind on it because she wasn’t paid enough for this as it is.

But his sister was seas away from wherever they are.

So what is he doing?

Months passed under the Commander’s paycheck and Aranea was itching to know more.

Acting on impulse one night, as the Commander starts to disappear, she stalked him.

Making sure that she was being as discrete as she can, even taking off her armour, leaving her in her tank top and black pants, she stalks him.

The Commander got back to his ship. After almost a half an hour. (yes, she had waited patiently) another figure got out. This figure was dressed as a hunter with long sleeves and a cap.

Since there was no one else, she observed the man. If it wasn’t for the slightly bulkier arm compare to the other, she wouldn’t have noticed. That hunter was actually Ravus in disguise. Gasping in realization she smirked to herself than to anyone else. “Nice trick there, Commander.” She said before trailing him.

Predictably, the commander felt like he was followed and went through a crowd at the Cauthess’ Depot. Aranea merely scoffed at him since she was stalking him from the roof. Never had she been grateful for the Dragoon technique she learned.

On the diner’s roof, she quiet looked over from the vents. There was a short alley with bench and Kenny Crow replica. Ravus was sitting there, anxiously looking left and right before he started to stroke the replica’s thigh rather disturbingly…affectionate?

Aranea shook her head, trying to make sense of the situation. When she looked back to the Commander, she knew rather than felt her jaw dropped.

The Kenny Crow replica wasn’t a replica. It was moving and…

Ok, Aranea couldn’t believe her eyes. She shook her head again. Was the Commander kissing the thing? Sure, it’s just lips and the beak but….how? What?

Suddenly, Ravus moaned loudly, breaking off from the kiss as he hunched over the replica. His hips was jerking rather rhythmically as Ravus fumbled and did the same thing. She doesn’t need to see it to know what the hell they’re doing.

Aranea decided she had enough and went back, shaking like a leaf in blustery winds.

Biggs and Wedge were the first to see the broken woman.

“Aranea, sir.” Biggs began as he slowly led her to a bench in her red ship. There weren’t soldiers around anymore. He looked hesitant to ask her anything else.

Wedge came later with some coffee with whiskey.

“Ravus.” She croaked before downing the thing in one go. As if that would clue them in to what reduced her to that.

Biggs and Wedge assume it had to be daemon related only went to get more cups and the whiskey.

“Yeah, weird people this lot. They really love those daemon bits.” Wedge said with an understanding sigh.

“Now, now. Let’s just forget it all.” Biggs said after pouring them all their liquor.

Title: Hell have no fury like a...snakelady scorned. | A day where everything Noctis eats tastes like vegetables

Rating: G/SFW

Warnings: Just strong language and non-descriptive mentions of vomiting.

FFXV Crack Week 2018 : @ffxvcrackweek

Prompt: A day where everything Noctis eats tastes like vegetables

They were at the Calletein’s Plunge. There was a ground where a Midgarsommr likes to bask but it’s gone at the moment.

…Alright, the time might be a fact as to why the Midgarsommr is not there and all since it basks when there’s light. Anyway, in its place was something out of a nightmare (It’s night, get it?). A Nagarani….

Well, the looks at least. The fight didn’t take too long. As matter of fact, a few hits and a flask of Firaga, it’s all over.

However, Noctis wasn’t paying too much attention and the dissipating corpse of the Nagarani fell on him, making him cry out in shock.

“Noct!” He could hear the other three calling out for him.

The musky smell of the daemon and whatever that was leaking on to him only disgust him. “Get off of me, you ugly bitch!” He struggled to crawl out, holding off enough space so that he could breath.

The Nagarani, even with its head going off in smoke, shifted towards him and manages a… glare?

But before he could think further on it, it’s all gone and Prompto was there to get him back on his feet.

“Urgh, man. That’s nasty.” Prompto said as he wiped off the blood on his pants. Or maybe it was just slime.

“Injuries?” Ignis asked as soon as he reached earshot, worried.

“I’m ok.” Noctis assured him as he recovered, after checking there was nothing else wrong.

“Could use a bath, though.” Came Gladio’s amused tone.

The raven haired prince grimaced at him. “Says the guys that looks like he got powdered with soot.” He retorted.

“Who’s fault was that, Princess?” Gladio countered.

“Guys, can we just get out of here?” Prompto whined as they heard the daemonic tittering of Arachne. A bunch of them. Looking toward the falls, they could see the half arachnid ladies stealing glances and tittering lightly again. They must have been for a while.

“I second that, post haste.” Came Ignis’s reply as the three of them hustled their way up to the main road, keeping constant vigilance for ambushes.

Thankfully, they all made it in one piece to the car.

Zooming to the nearest caravan, they took turns with the bath as Ignis cooks them some burgers.

“Nice!” Noctis commented, digging into his too fast and choked. Prompto was there to help him clear his throat while Gladio had an amused smile before he took a bite out of his burger and Ignis gave him an unimpressed grimace.

Settling into his seat, the Advisor sighed. “This wouldn’t have happened if you ate your food rather than gobble it down.” He said dismissively before biting into his.

“Ignis!” Noctis bellowed angrily. “The fuck was that?” He said as he placed the burger back on his plate. “Some kind of new veggie burger recipe?” He said in disdain, as he took a drink of water.

Ignis was so shocked at the reaction, he froze while Gladio took a look at his burger.

“This is just garula meat, right?” He asked before reassembling it and Prompto took a bite out of his burger to be sure. After swallowing that, he went for Noctis’s burger.

“Dude, these are just Iggy’s burgers. It’s garula meat, man.” Prompto said in disbelief, giving Noctis a puzzled look.

He looked at them as if they were lying. He looked over the burger again and indeed it was grounded garula meat. He took another tentative and cringed as he tasted broccoli. “No, it’s definitely veggies.” He groaned as he went and grabbed a glass of water to wash down the taste.

The other three stared at each other. “Come on, Noct. This isn’t a joke.” Gladio admonished.

“Do I look like I’m joking?” He retorted.

And that was the start of a starved King-to-be’s journey.

The advisor slaved the next day to make something the princeling would eat but to no avail. For food tasted like the enemy, the vegetables.

As the problem dragged on, the Prince soon fell-

“Hey, Noct. How’re you holding up?” Came Prompto’s concerned voice.

Slipping his eyes off the phone screen, he secretly puts the diary app away.

“I want meat.” He sulked as he put the phone down and tries to take a nap. He manages to sate his hunger with milkshakes and other liquids but the craving for proper food never went away.

Prompto was on Noctis watch duty while Gladio and Ignis asked around.

“Well, something other than meat?” Prompto asked, staying where he was in case he could fetch it.

“Can’t sleep. Too hungry.” The prince moaned as he rolled on to his front. “Bored.”

“King’s Knight?” He asked as he sat next to the prone prince, readying the phone as well.

The prince just shook his head. “If this keeps up, I might just die from starvation.”

“Hey, at least the milkshake still tastes like milkshake. Wanna go grab some?” Prompto offered cheerfully. “Y’know, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard-“ He sang off key.

The prince took out his sword in a flash of blue and pointed it at the cheery blond, freezing him mid-sentence. “I don’t have anything to eat other than the milkshake. Six help me before I stab you for making the only thing that I can ‘eat’ a puke trigger.”

The blonde on the other hand just push it aside and laughed. “Sorry, dude.” He said as the prince lazily let the sword disappear in another flash of blue.

“Noctis, Madam Ezma would like to speak with you for a moment.” Came Ignis suddenly. It seems he was there for a quite a while.

“Astrals, Iggy. You scared me there.” Said the blonde, recovering from his surprise. He only received an apologetic nod at that.

Once they met her, they were all…quite surprised?

“Usually, daemons can’t understand a thing we say but some of them actually understand us.” She said solemnly before giving the prince a pitying look. “And a Nagarani can dish out pretty weird curses. Thank the Astrals, it goes away with time. It shouldn’t last more than a day, like other status effects.” She placated them.

Once they knew what the matter was, they decided to wait it out. Ignis only gripe is the fact that he had to waste three bottles of remedies.

The night couldn’t come fast enough for the Prince. Noctis had piled all kinds of meaty food he could get by begging Ignis and scrapping what’s ever left of their supplies.

“Noctis, I would advise to start eating slowly.” The Advisor tried to advise the rather manic Prince. “Or you’ll get sick before you can even finish them.” He said. He’s regretting cooking all of those dishes now.

“Uh-humph.” The prince said through a mouthful of a skewer meat. Thankfully, there’s Gladio and Prompto to help with the food but when the prince was hissing over a plate of brisket, they knew better than to squabble over it.