#fessupdarling

When I think about love, my mind is mostly blank. mainly because the only love I’ve ever received was from my parents. What really is love beyond a feeling you feel for someone? Could it be sex or maybe just spending quality time with each other? I never really bothered to find out but maybe I never will. But as I sit here and see many people get into relationships.. it’s hard to not want one. I see how happy they look, but in my case it hasn’t always been happy. 

If I’m going to be honest, I haven’t had my first significant other much less be presented with a label society forces us to take. So what they hell do I know about love? I know it can make you do crazy things and maybe it’ll work or sometimes you walk away with a broken heart. I’ve always known that men ain’t shit way before I was allowed to leave the house. Men will only want one thing and let’s not kid here. We both know damm well what it is.. and as much as we want to believe not every guy or person is like that, everyone has a desire. It’s just human nature. So let me present to you, my love experience. The first time I grew feelings for anyone was back in elementary school, and boy did I fall head over heels for this guy. Whenever he looked my way or just smiled at me, my heart began to race and soon enough people swear they saw my cheeks have a red tint to them. It made me so happy to have a minute to talk with him, we mainly talked about video games or maybe who was the strongest. By setting a date for our jungle gym showdown to prove once and for all who the alpha dog was. I didn’t win, but I left school with a smile on my face and my feelings growing more. Time went on when elementary school finally came to an end. I needed to get over him, but somewhere deep down I wanted us to be more than friends. The aquarius in me didn’t want to develop anything, so I shut him out. I ignored him until the feelings I once had for him died. I went throughout middle school forgetting about him but another problem arose my first and last year. 

I befriend a guy in once of my classes, and was he the best friend I ever had. If you asked me what made us click, I couldn’t tell you because I honestly don’t remember. But we talked a-lot and everyday I looked forward to our conversations because he always made me laugh. He would go on and on about this girl, he hoped he’d reunite with and eventually want to settle down with. I smiled with glee because if I could take you to that moment, it was beautiful, His eyes filled with hope and you could see the love for her on his face. I was happy to know that he cared about her dearly and he wasn’t in it for other things. Or at least I don’t think so but only he knows what he truly wanted with her. Soon enough he stopped talking about her, but even so I kept bringing her up and he would shut me down with “ let’s talk about something else”. I felt confused, not even a week ago he had eyes filled with love talking about her and now he was acting like she never existed. I let it go, not until one day a group of his friends came up to me and told me the truth..

he had fallen head over heels for me.

he had wanted to confess to me for a while but couldn’t bring himself to do so. His friends bombarded me with questions and soon enough they brought him to me. His face was really red and he was shaking, avoiding my gaze while looking at the ground almost like if he expected the earth to crack open and to swallow him whole. It didn’t but he proceed to ask me out. Little did I know my answer was the start of problems, I didn’t know I was going to get myself into. I said yes to him but once I answered him, I realized... I felt nothing for him. Absolutely nothing, my heart wouldn’t beat faster if I thought about him, nor did my cheeks tint red. I think it was the spur of the moment type of thing. I won’t lie to you and tell you I wasn’t nervous, but not for the reason he expected me to be. I spent the rest of the day thinking about it, I felt sick whenever I saw him. He didn’t deserve me, someone who doesn’t like him back. So the following day I told him the truth. Well not exactly face to face but I texted him. I felt so guilty to the point where it was eating me alive and I anticipated every minute waiting for his texts.  To which I got no response but a confrontation at my local liquor store. I remember trying to grab some snacks and head home after a long day of school. Until I felt a presence behind me, I turned around and saw him, he looked scary. He never looked that way, his face was a mix of anger and sadness. He raised his voice to ask me what the hell i meant by my message. All eyes were on us, I felt so small and embarrassed. I begged him to keep his voice down since to this day I hate public confrontation or raising your voice in public in general. He didn’t care and I don’t blame him. He kept bombarding me with questions, until i finally told him what he needed to hear. He looked at me in utter disgust and sadness and he wiped tears away from his eyes and ran out of the store. It only got uglier from there and I’ll spare you the details. From tears to rumors to finally fixing the broken relationship. He lost feelings for me and moved on to someone else. We’re all good now but we stopped talking after a year into high school. I hope he’s doing okay and wish he nothing but the best.

 During my last year of middle school, a best friend of mine had told me about a crush a guy had on me. I chose to ignore it because soon he wouldn’t.  Anyways I made it clear that I didn’t want more then a friendship to which it ended with him ignoring me and completely shutting me out. That’s when I realized, if you don’t give men the answer they want to hear.. they’ll toss you aside like nothing and that’s what I didn’t want. I graduated with honors and was happy with the way I was living. That is until High School and to this day I still think about it.

My sophomore year was where it all started.. it was a guy I had met. He was the funniest and sympathetic person I had known. We talked about many topics and we grew closer. A girlfriend of mine always included him in our conversation and it was hard to get him out of it. Soon we were all comfortable with each other and I liked that about our friend group. It was the three of us, we were the loudest and best group ever. But that all came to an end when he grew feelings for me. I’m oblivious to many things especially in the love department. I won’t know until someone points it out. He asked me on a date to which I responded with yes. Don’t worry this time I thought about it, and I really wanted to know what it was like. To go on a date with someone and have that one experience. But life events happened and that was death of a family member which made my feelings go all over the place. I realized, I wasn’t in the right mind set to be in a relationship and I knew I wasn’t ready for it. I was honest and open with him about how i felt to which he didn’t take lightly. He demanded I tell him why i had ever said yes in the first place. I told him again and he knew I wouldn’t budged , claimed that I take the time I need and he would be there for when I was ready. If you have ever gone through grief, you know it doesn’t go away quickly and  isn’t  something you can forget about in a day. He grew impatient on how long I was taking and soon enough he became irritated  and had a sour attitude with me. From giving me attitude and blankly ignoring my presence even when I stood next to my friend. But oh no, whenever he was done with his mood, he expected us to talk like nothing ever changed. Hell no, I gave him the same energy and he didn’t like that. He asked me if I was in a mood and in his words “ she’s trippin”. After that I ignored him and didn’t care what the hell his deal was or how he felt. He stopped trying with me too, we ignored each other for the longest time. Still to this day too, but even so I wish him the best despite everything. 

My stance in love is complicated but I hope one day I can come back to this and give a happy note to how I feel now. I haven’t gotten there yet but I know what I feel now can’t be a long lasting feeling. Let’s see what the future brings.

signing off ,

- fessupdarling <3