#fennesz

The soft sound of pens scribbling on paper was all Fennesz could hear, and the occasional scarp of a highlighter. But this was a library right? That was common right? So the fact that you were the one making these noises should not have made him this nervous! …. Maybe it was the fact that you were sitting 4 feet from HIM?!?

You began working at the library about a month ago, and ever since Fennesz has NOT been able to focus.

Holding his breath he tried to focus on his own work, flipping mindlessly through his textbook. Working the desk left the two of you with almost too much free time. Too much time to think in Fennesz’s case.

A soft tap at his shoulder pulled Fennesz from his thoughts, looking up from his long forgotten textbook you were standing beside him. "Hey..Fennesz can you help me with this?"

"Ah-Uh, yes! of course!" Fennesz fumbled as you showed him the text book question, and suddenly Fennesz was grateful he actually read the textbooks that were assigned. If being able to help you with homework was the only way he could ever get this close to you he would be satisfied with that.

Fennesz took his time going over the problem with you, slowly covering the topic in the most understandable way he could think of. He watched the way your eyebrows furrowed as you thought hard about what he was saying to you, and the way your eyes lit up when you finally understood it.

"You teach it better than the professors here!" you laughed as you scribbled down the answer on the sheet.

"Haha... I'm not that good, but I'm grateful for the compliment," Fennesz could only reply, because he felt it so genuinely. Fennesz was average in his own eyes. Yes, his grades were good, but that was only because he had so little hobbies that all he really had to do was study. After all he didn't have a surplus of friends and he spent most of his time either in the library working, class or his apartment-

"Yoohooo- Earth to Fennesz?" you called, waving your and in his face. Fennesz blushed at the realization that he had just been spacing out heavily in front of you, "Ah-! i'm sorry, I got lost in-" "Your thoughts?" You laughed, taking your seat again, plopping the notebook and textbook back onto the desk, "You've been doing that a lot."

"Have I?" Fenensz said, trying to play it off like he hadn’t noticed. But the truth was it was all your fault. Not in a mean negative way, but a dreamy kind of way. Because you were so amazing, Fennesz acknowledged. He could sit here and list all the great things he thought about you, but there wouldn't be enough time in the world, or enough words to properly say it.

"Yeahhh, Even Markus was suprised you placed some books out of place haha," You laughed gently and Fennesz felt even more embarrassed by his own mistakes.

"I'll work hard so it doesn't happen again.." Fennes said, his words feeling more down than he had intended. You looked at him for a moment, turning over his expression in your mind, "You don't need too though?"

Fennesz looked at you, "Ah, but I need to pay more attention so it deosn't happen again-"

"People make mistake's Fennesz, not everyone can give 100% every day," you said, going back to scribbling in your notebook, "you don't need to do every single thing right to have a good day or do your best. As long as you wake up and get dressed, you should be proud of yourself."

Fennesz stewed there, your words hanging over him heavily, and he was once again reminded of what you were. How brightly you shined in his life.

Because to Fennesz, you truly were a star that shined brighter than the sun.

Something just to of his reach, something he could never be good enough to reach.

Something in him thought that maybe one day he could be good enough to stand beside you, even if it was nothing more than a friend. Another part of him thought that he would never be good enough to stand beside you, and a majority of him believed that.

Because how? How could you treat him so kindly? How could you smile so brightly? Once again Fennesz was dragged into his thoughts, another reason why getting work done had been so hard, and another reason why the sound of scribbling pen and squeaky highlighter was all he could hear.

Because as long as those sounds were coming from you it would be all he could think of.

-

“C….d…. Ah E,” Fennesz muttered to himself as he maneuvered the small cart of books through the small walkways of the library rows.

He was being extra careful after he realized you could see his mistake. Because that was a side of him he never wanted you to see. The careless and clumsy.

Now Fennesz wasn’t confident he could woo you, but he sure was determined to show you his best side.

So here he was, double checking labels, and sifting through rows of books to ensure he did everything right.

“You know girls don’t really find guys organizing books attractive right?” Fennesz flinched a little upon hearing the voice of his boss.

Markus was a nice boss, but also very observant if nothing else. And ever more than observant he was nosy.

“If you wanna impress [Name] you should try doing something else,” Markus said, his words sounding mean to on lookers but Fennesz knew what he was trying to say.

“W-what are you talking about?” Fennesz said, a blush spreading across his face as he fumbled with the book in his hands.

“[Name],” Markus said in that monotone voice he always spoke in. And somehow that made it worse.

Fennesz could only sigh, “is it that obvious?” His embarrassment burning on his face.

“Yes,” Markus said with an expressionless face and throwing up a thumbs up, “at least to people on the outside.”

“Outside what does that mean?”

“Oh nothingggg,” Markus hummed, turning around and walked away. Leaving Fennesz there to wonder and draw his own conclusions.

“Markus-“

“Fennesz?” He froze. The book in his hand bumbling to the floor and he scrambled to catch it.

“[Name]! Hey uhh… have you been there long?” Yes, he could save himself with this line, was all he could think. Because obviously as a caring person he’d never want to keep you waiting-

“Nah, I just was looking for you,” you said casually, opening your backpack on the side and rummaging in it. “I actually was looking for you.”

Okay Fennesz was soooo not normal about you.

Because the idea of you looking for him on your day off was enough to make his knees weak. Suddenly he wished he was sitting at that stupid front desk.

He couldn’t bring himself to say anything as you pulled out a keychain. It was one of those plushie key chains you kind in the mall. This one was a red fox wearing gold rimmed glasses while holding berries in its mouth.

“Look! I found you on my day off!” You said happily holding the key chain out to him. And Fennesz could only stare for a moment.

“You… think it looks like me?” His words, he couldn’t even think of how he sounded. Maybe bewildered? Hopefully nothing suspiciously love struck.

“Just like you!” You said, zipping your bag up, “it’s cute isn’t it!”

Fennesz stared down at the studious fox who had was placed in his hand with such care, “thank you [Name]… I’ll cherish it.”

“Of course Fennesz,” you hummed and opened your phone, “ah! I’ve got to go to class! I’ll see you tomorrow if you work Fennesz!”

And with that you left, like your words were nothing but small things you did for everyone. And Fennesz couldn’t help but wonder if you thought of everyone while they weren’t around.

Acting like he was going to pick up the book he had long forgotten about when you first appeared. He let out a sigh and held his forehead.

Because Fennesz physically could not be “normal” around you.

-

"Hey! Fennesz!" Fennesz stopped dead in his tracks, fork lifted halfway to his mouth. His eyes fell on the voice he knew so well, you, tray in hand, once again smiling at him. Fennesz quickly lowered his fork and greeted you with a smile, "Ah, [Name]? You have lunch during this time?"

The sound of idle chatter and plates against table was overwhelming, but your voice came through with ease, his ears picking up on it immediately.

Fennesz steadied himself, trying to make himself seem as casual as possible. You nodded at him, "Yep! I had to get my schedule changed so now this is the only free time I have before work. Mind if I sit?"

Fennesz worked fast to clear more of the table for you to sit at, his papers and books spread across it like a mad scientist. He quickly organized them in his hand before shoving them into his bag, "Yes, please help yourself. Sorry about the mess-"

"You’re so cool Fennesz," You said, bringing a bit of your mashed potatoes to you mouth and chewing happily. Fennesz stiffened and looked a little sheepish, "Ah.. Thank you for the compliment, but I don't really know what you mean." His laugh was nervous as he tried to control his feelings, trying his best to seem casual. But he was so not normal about you.

"I mean," you swallowed your next bite, "You study so hard even during lunch time, I wish I could focus half as well as that."

"Ah no, this is really just me being bored-"

" I think that proves my point even more," you spoke quickly, "Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, but you should really give yourself more credit. You're more exceptional than you think."

Munching your mystery meat you seemed unbothered by the things you were saying. Fennesz wondered if you even knew how your words made him feel.

Fennesz who had low confidence, had actually began to believe he could be something more. And one day he hopes he can tell you just how you helped him see that.

"Oh that's right!" you hummed, pulling out your phone and scrolling to a text message, "My friend is having a going away party and said I could bring anyone I wanted. Wanna come with me?" Your face was a little red, but there was a distinctive grin spread across your face as you held out the party information to him.

"Are you sure I wouldn't make things uncomfortable I'm not much of a party person, and don't know too many people.-"

"Fennesz, please relax, you're invited and that's all that matters," you hummed, and although your words were straight forward they weren't mean.

Looking down at his textbook, Fennesz though back to the confidence you had given him, the kind of person he wanted to be. "i'll go, send me the information when you get a chance please.

"Yay!" you cheered and quickly began typing at your phone, not long after his phone dinged.

Fennesz took a deep breath, wondering what he would even do with himself at a party.

Maybe he had cooked himself

-

the cold air nipped at Fennesz's ears, but he felt nothing but warmth.

With you drunkenly clinging to his arm Fennesz felt like he was going to die. You giggled happily as you wrapped both of your hands around his arm, holding him tightly against your chest.

Tonight had been far too much for Fennesz. The party wasn't like a house party, more of a small getting together of friends. But even if he wasn’t the best with people, Fennesz was overwhelmed by you mostly.

First of all, Fennesz has only ever seen you in casual clothes like jeans and t-shirts. So seeing you dressed up, hair done, and that same bright smile on your face was almost too much for him.

You spent the entire night by his side, introducing him to your friends. Fennesz blushed at the idea of it feeling like you were introducing him as partner.

AND THEN, he was told to take drunk you home safely.

He didn’t know where you lived.

"[Name]?...do you have your wallet on you? a License or.." You could only drunkenly giggle at him, pulling him closer and Fennesz tried not to hold his breath.

"Oh dear..." Fennesz's voice came out stressed, not sure where to take you or what to do. His mind wandered into what to do, and you took this moment to slip away. Releasing his arm you started running ahead, "[Name]?!" Fennesz called, voice laced with stress as he easily caught up with you. Despite how he looked, Fennesz had been in good shape for a few months.

(definitely not to impress you-)

"Nope!" you giggled out and Fennesz wrestled with himself, not knowing if it was okay to grab you, or stop you, or anything.

"If you catch me i'll tell you a super secret!" You laughed, drunkenly stumbling as your running slowed down, almost as if you wanted him to catch you.

"Please be careful!" he said, the secret being the last thing on his mind as he was more worried about this overly stressful situation. And as if on queue, you managed to stumble a bit, body swaging as suddenly you were headed straight for the cold hard ground.

But Fennesz would never let that happen, and you knew that. So you weren't scared at all.

After all Fennesz was always going to be your shinning light in the dark night, whether he knew it or not.

Your cheek was pressed flushed against his chest as he gently held you, breath rising and falling even though he wasn't out of breath....you weren't a very fast runner.

"Maybe we should get you home soon [Name], are you sure you don't have an ID on you-"

"The secret," you huffed, voice mumbled into his sweater. the plush fabris smelling so strongly of him.

"Ah-..well that wasn't really on my min-"

Reaching up you him. His cheeks were cold against your warm hand and vaguely you wondered if just maybe you were good enough to be his shinning like just like he was for you.

"I'm in love," your words were light and airy. And incredibly heavy..

Hitting Fennesz like a truck he went still, a thousand things running through his head as he processed what you had just said. Something he had begged for in his mind, and suddenly he was anxious. Because you were in love, and maybe not with him.

Your grinned, smile bright and happy are you returned yourself to snuggling into his sweater,mumbling something Fennesz couldn’t hear. Something he didn’t think he wanted to hear.

In the end, Fennesz invited you back to his apartment, quickly putting you to bed in his bed, before returning to the living room. Blanket and pillow in hand. But he knew he wouldn't be sleeping, he knew like many nights he would stare at his room in thought.

Because to Fennesz you were brighter than the sun, a star shinning through his mind.

And he wondered if it was okay to still want that light for himself.

Even if you didn’t love him

-

You whined heavily as you shoved your face into the unfamiliar pillow, head throbbing.

Bits and pieces of the night flooding your mind, making you cry internally from embarrassment.

One of the few things you remember is muttering your confession into Fennesz’ chest. YOUR CONFESSION!!!

Whether Fennesz heard you, you weren’t sure.

Because now you didn’t know where you were and your head was killing you.

Finally lifting your head you looked around you, taking in note of the simple room. A bed, desk, bookshelf, and closet. You didn’t want to snoop so you tip toed over to the door. Taking a deep breath you slowly twisted the nob and looked out.

Choking back a gasp you stared at the legs hanging off the edge of the couch, clothes from the night before still on you recognized those shoes. Because this shoes and outfit looked damn good on him.

Fennesz seemed to be asleep on the couch. And suddenly you felt curious, curious about how cute a sleeping Fennesz could even be. Because a yawning Fennesz was one thing, a singular layer of cuteness.

Unable to hold yourself back you peeked over the couch to look at him, and then you were sure you could never be happy again.

Fennesz was so cute.

Really, really cute.

Even if he looked slightly uncomfortable on the small couch with his tall figure. His sleeping face seemed so peaceful, and you knew right then that you were so screwed. Because in your mind Fennesz was the ideal guy, so being the ideal guys and handsome was overkill

Seeing this you suddenly felt bad. Because you slept comfortable in his bed while he laid out here with a blanket and couch that were both too small.

Guilt began to build up in your chest, but all you could think to do was leave.

Because if Fennesz woke up and you were here he would be taking care of you, and you knew that.

Not to mention you didn't think you could face him knowing how you embarrassed yourself the night before.

Especially the possibility of being rejected was enough to make you run.

-

Fennesz couldn't face you, and honestly he didn't know exactly why.

He'd like to say it was just the embarrassment that kept him from you.

He'd like to say he was doing it for you, thinking about your feelings and how you might feel.

But Fennesz knew himself

And he knew better than to believe his own lies.

The “not sure” and “uncertainty", was what he was telling himself but he knew.

Because the truth was he was scared.

The idea that you, his star, would possibly choose to shine your light one someone else mad him jealous, insecure, and everything under the sun.

But he couldn't avoid you at work, especially when the two of you worked the desk. The two of you sat not even four feet away from each other.

What's worse is that you seemed to not remember anything that happened. You seemed completely normal.

"Are you going to the school bonfire?" You asked him one day, during a normal conversation. Or at least as normal as Fennesz could be.

"Ah, you mean the one they hold ever year?" Fennesz said, seemingly on edge but also trying to get used to this. Trying to get used to being no closer than four feet from you.

"Yes!" you said excitedly, "The love bonfire!"

Fennesz choked on his spit, "The what?"

"That's what it's called! well....at least not officially that is," you explained excitedly. You swiveled your chair to face him, “so basically there’s a tradition of asking out the person you like at this festival! Apparently every couple that’s gotten together at this festival has stayed together through life!”

Fennesz nodded along, going along with a conversation that he knew was leading to a road he was scared of.

“It’s like, so amazing,” you gushed, eyes sparkling as you showed him the poster for the festival on ur lap top, “Confessing your feelings takes so much courage! “

“Yeah,… it does,” Fennesz mumbled, setting his own pencil down now, fully looking at you, “are… you going to confess to someone?”

The words felt sticky in his mouth, because he didn’t wanna ask, and didn’t want to know.

He saw you blush.

That was all he needed to know.

“I think…. I think I’ll try,” you said, your voice low but your eyes sparkling. The same eyes he fell in love with. The same sparkle that gave him the strength to get Through the days. The same sparkle that had slowly been changing him since he met you.

“Then…. I will too,” Frnnesz said, after a moment. He wasn’t confident, that feeling was still foreign to him. But you made him feel different.

“Thank you, [Name],” Fennesz managed to say, his words heavy as he spoke.

“W-what do you mean?” Your words were scrambled and confused, and honestly, Fennesz couldn’t tell what you were feeling. He had spent so much time with you, but sometimes your emotions were just something he couldn't read.

“I’m not a confident person,” he started, steeling himself for everything he was about to say, “I don’t know if I ever will be, but.. I think I want to try, because, even if I get rejected I think I’ll look back thinking I’m glad I did it.”

Finally showing a smile Fennesz looked at you before speaking, “because you’ve helped me so much [Name], I can do this.”

Your expression was unreadable, or at least you hoped it was. Because the ten layers of hurt you were feeling were so strong.

You gave him a nod, “I’m glad I could help.” Your voice was calm and collected. Trying hard to play the role of supportive friend.

But the truth is you weren’t, how could you be happy when the one you love just told you that you gave him the courage to confess to someone else.

You weren’t that nice.

You were greedy.

So greedy that you heart aches because you wanted Fennesz.

You wanted to be his shining light, but not in the way he had saw you.

You wanted Fennesz to love you the way you loved him.

Because you were greedy.

You had a feeling Fennesz liked someone, so you shouldn’t have been upset.

You should have prepared yourself for this.

So why didn’t you?

“We should meet up some time at the festival,” you hummed, tapping away at your key board, “we should hang out more outside of work.”

Fennesz frowned. Because this didn’t sound like you. Maybe to some random on looker you sounded like a friend wanting to spend more time with another. But Fennesz wasn’t some on looker.

“Yes,” he said, eyes scanning over your features, “we should.”

And that was where the conversation ended. The rest of the shift being quiet.

The same quiet that allowed thoughts and feelings to run rampant.

And now it was the same quiet that killed the shine of a bright star.

-

you didn’t want to come. The seemingly enormous bonfire in front of you flicked in the wind, lighting up the night sky. But the stars seemed few and far between, not very bright.

You would have stayed home actually, if it hadn’t been for Fennesz’s words. He said you gave him courage, that even if he was rejected he wouldn’t regret it. So you came with the idea that you’d do the same thing. However, life seemed to have other plans for you.

You had caught a glimpse of Fennesz’s tall stature twice since getting here, and each time your heart swelled and your throat felt heavy. Because you loved this man so much, seeing that shy but determined look on his face was something you couldn’t handle.

Thinking back on every interaction the two of you had, maybe Fennesz was a little shyer than other people. Or maybe you were just too pushy.

Maybe you shouldn’t have bought that stupid key chain that reminded you so much of him.

And maybe you should have just eaten lunch on your own.

And maybe you shouldn’t have invited him to that stupid party.

Because now it all hurt so much more.

Seeing Fennesz smile hurt because you weren’t the one making him smile.

Grumbling you drew in the dirty with a stray stick you had found. Half-hazardly drawn frowny face spread out in the dirt around you.

“Is it okay if I sit ?” You heard a voice above you, and looking up at Fennesz you thought back to that day in the cafeteria.

You once again felt your chest swell and your throat felt heavy, but you nodded. Because running would only make things harder.

Femmes took a seat next to you on the ground, and you wondered if someone as tall as Fennesz could comfortably sit in the ground. Even now you worried for him.

You felt like throwing up. Because here it comes.

“I've been looking for you,” he said front beside you. You could feel his eyes looking at you, but you focused your eyes on your drawing in the ground.

"Really?" you hummed, trying to keep your voice light and airy as your stick dragged against the dirt. Because you wanted Fennesz to always see the best version of you, and the embarrassment of not being able to show him that stuck with you.

It was so hard to not look at him, but seeing that smile from yesterday would have been too much for you. Because Fennesz looked perfect tonight. His usual anxious expression as gone and replaced by a seemingly calm smile, his clothes where different too. Contrary to his usual sweater button up combo he was wearing a v neck shirt that dipped down, showing off a little of his chest.

Normal you would be inserting yourself into his line of sight, trying to keep his eyes on you, and trying to keep your cool. Because Fennesz made it so hard.

But this wasn't normal you, this was heartbroken you, and this version of yourself didn't feel like you were allowed to look at him.

The bright glow of the fire was something you chose to focus on, silently waiting for whatever it was he was waiting to say.

"Do you still plan on confessing tonight?" Fennesz asked from beside you, eyes now trained on the fire as well. The deep red and orange flames dancing in front of the two of you.

You only shrugged, "I... I don't know, i don't think I'll be able to take the rejection very well.."

"You must really like this person then," Fennesz hummed, and you glanced over, trying to read his emotions the best you could. His eyes were soft like they always were, but there was a tired air lingering around him.

"Did you sleep much last night?" You asked without thinking, because even if it was wrong you still worried about him. Fennesz smiled softly, "Yeah, i got caught up in my own confession and couldn't sleep much.

Okay, maybe you shoudln't have asked.

"Hey [Name], what's this guy like?" Fennesz said after a moment of silence, the tense air seemingly not planning on going away anytime soon.

You thought about lying, giving him some bullshit answer to get out of the conversation. But then you thought about it, about how much you loved Fennesz. And how much strength he gave you. Taking a deep breath you spoke.

"He's like a star, but one that shines brighter than the sun," You said, letting your words hang in the air before going deeper, " I don't think he knows how much strength he gives me. He's so kind, so helpful, and he honestly makes it hard to act normal. I want him to look at me, I want to shine brightly with him-"

You looked at Fennesz for the first time tonight.

"I want to be good enough to stand by his side."'

Fennesz was quiet for a second before nodding, "Yeah, honestly i feel the same way-"

"Would it be okay?" You asked suddenly, "If i loved him. Even if he wont choose me, can i still love you Fennesz?"

That last part was a mistake, a slip up. But how could you not tell him when your heart swelled up by just looking at him? How could you not love the clumsily cute man in front of you?

"[Name], w-what do you mean," He seemed frazzled, face immediately flushing red and suddenly you felt so embarrassed. You frowned, and looked down at the stupid faces you had drawn in the dirt.

"Fennesz," you spoke, voiced filled with all the emotions you were holding back, "Even if you don't love me, can I still love you?"

You were scared

So scared of rejection that you hesitated too much.

But this time was different, because Fennesz gave you the courage to face rejection. Because you couldn't regret this moment, even if it hurt.

A soft thud sounded as you watched Fennesz slowly fall backwards, his back making contact with the grass below him. His arm covered his face, and he took deep breath after deep breath.

"Fennesz?"

"I need a second," his voice came out strained, and you felt bad for thinking it sounded cute.

"I-..I didn't know I could be this happy," He said softly, finally moving his arm to his forehead, letting you catch a view of his blushing face. The soft smile on his lips making your heart flutter.

"[Name], how could you steal the words right out of my mouth?" He asked softly, and you felt light headed. Because this wasn't how this was supposed to go. You had spent days preparing for rejection, and anything besides that seemed so foreign it was almost scary.

"Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Hod on!" You sputtered, whipping your body around to look at him, You're saying you and me feel the same way."

You dramatically pointed between the two of you, mouth agape as your brain tried to process everything going on.

Fennesz nodded and you felt your heart beat faster, with a loud whine of happiness you fall beside him, hands covering your face as you tried to calm down. You peeked through your fingers and was startled to see Fennesz was staring at you, making you whine again.

"Stop looking at me! I so happy right now you might make me die!' you cried out, and Fennesz laughed.

"[Name]?"

"Hmmm..."

"Will you be my partner?"