#feminismfail

Women Who Choose Bear

The Checklist

Ah yes, the modern feminist warrior—loud, independent, full of rage against men, yet somehow found time to get folded in a dirty club bathroom by Chad with a sleeve tattoo. But men are the problem, right? Right?

Fast forward: she’s suddenly a wilderness expert. She's choosing bear. Why? Because the idea of a strong, violent beast mauling her is somehow more appealing than a nice guy who’d actually text her back. And we’re supposed to take this seriously?

Let’s break it down. If you check three or more of these, congrats—you’re a walking 3-hole punch, pre-stamped for bad decisions and a grizzly fate.

✔️ THE CHOOSE BEAR CHECKLIST

✅ Screams "Men Are Trash" but Had More Bodies Than a War Zone

Ah, yes. Men are evil, but you’ve let half the tri-state area hit raw like they were breaking in a rental car. Now it’s time to "reclaim" yourself… by fantasizing about being gutted by a wild animal.

✅ Posts About “Leaving Society” but Can’t Change a Tire

Baby girl, you’re gonna “go feral in the woods?” With what skills? You can’t even make scrambled eggs without burning the pan. The bear isn’t gonna be your “protector.” It’s gonna be your executioner.

✅ Says "I Hate Men" but Hopes the Bear is a Male

Let’s be real. You don’t want just any bear—you want a big, hulking, dominant bear. Daddy Bear. You're not choosing a bear, you’re choosing a bigger, furrier version of the toxic men you already chase.

✅ Fantasizes About a Violent Death Like It’s a Kink

The idea of being dragged into a cave and torn apart? Suddenly, it’s poetry. You don’t want safety, you want danger with a fur coat. Just say you have a destruction fetish and go.

✅ Wants Wilderness, But Can’t Survive Without a Phone Charger

“I’m leaving society.” Are you? Because the second you lose signal, you’re crying. The second your oat milk runs out, you’re contemplating cannibalism.

✅ Thinks She’d Be “Different” from Other Prey

You genuinely believe a bear wouldn’t maul you because you’d “understand it.” Girl, it doesn’t care about your Instagram aesthetic. You’re a snack, not a soulmate.

✅ Went From Party Hoe to Survivalist in a Week

One week it’s “F*ck men, let’s get drunk.” The next? “I belong in the wild, men are obsolete.” You belong in therapy, not a bear’s digestive tract.

✅ Has a Death Wish, But Only for Aesthetic Purposes

It’s not real wilderness desire. It’s Lana Del Rey lyrics, a soft fade filter, and a vague TikTok caption. You don’t wanna die, you just want attention and an excuse to avoid accountability.

✅ Thinks She’s “Healing” by Running into the Woods to Get Eaten

Babe, that’s not healing. That’s called suicidal ideation with extra steps. You don’t need a bear to end your suffering—you need a psychiatrist and some accountability.

🐻 CONCLUSION: CHOOSE LOGIC, NOT BEAR

At the end of the day, "Choose Bear" is just another way to avoid accountability. A bear won’t ghost you, won’t ask you about your past, won’t tell you to get your life together.

It’ll just rip your throat out, no questions asked. And for some of y’all? That’s the fantasy.

Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief. At the ripe old age of 33, I have finally proved that I have worth in and to society. I have gotten engaged, which means that by society rules I can now engage in societal activities like buying a house, cooking for my husband, nagging him to pick up after himself, complaining to my married friends about said husband, telling my single friends how lucky they are to be single but also being smugly happy behind their backs that I am no longer a single loser because marriage is where the “real happiness” lies (at least until I have a tiny human baby birthed from my loins). Basically, I have now been deemed worthy to exist in adult society with real people who “know what really matters.” 

I love my fiancé and I’m so proud to be marrying him but no more proud than I expect him to be of marrying me. I expect us to be equally up each others’ asses with love and admiration that we can hardly stand each others’ company but this is not exactly some superhuman feat that we’ve accomplished here.

Am I wrong to think that this isn’t something I should be lording over all of humanity? Should I be touting this as an achievement that only the worthy can obtain because it seems like a lot of people do it. Like, millions every year. Like, billions in the history of the world. Literally, any mouth-breathing idiot can obtain a license and get married, so what’s so special it?