#felinefrenzy

Syd kicked their legs up on the chair in front of them, Xena beside them with Lola attached to a harness on the neighboring chair. The sun had finally popped out from behind the clouds, and though it hadn’t pushed above 70 degrees, the warmth from the rays was more than welcome. A huff from beside her made Syd tilt her head to the side as she reached out, threading her fingers through the tufts of fur at the top of Xena’s head. “They coming to check in already?” Syd leaned up and pushed her glasses down the bridge of her nose to get a better look at who was coming up the walkway. 

“Oh, Felix! What’s up?” She swung her legs over the edge of her chair and grabbed Lola gently, propping the bearded dragon up on her shoulder as she shoved off of the beach recliner. “It’s been a while, right?” Weeks, maybe. She had been used to seeing them more as kids, them and their whole family. Now, it was just the two of them left behind in this godforsaken place. Lola climbed from one side of their shoulder to the opposite, little front leg extended to try and climb over to Felix. “Did you bring her grasshoppers?” 

—

There weren’t many people left in Wicked’s Rest who knew Felix in the before. They knew they’d been different back then, in more ways than one. Before their mother died, they’d been happier. Before Leo, they’d been more confident. Sometimes, they thought it was a good thing that there weren’t a lot of people who could vouch for that; most, they thought, would be disappointed to know the person Felix was now, would be dismayed that he’d turned out worse instead of better. That was how they felt, so how could anyone else feel differently?

Because of this, Syd made them… not uncomfortable, per say, but nervous. Uneasy, unsteady, unsure. There were parts of him that they could understand better than most, given the balam of it all, but other parts? Felix worried she’d only end up disappointed. Still, Felix wasn’t one to give up on a friendship. They’d kept in contact with Syd as much as they could, visiting as often as their schedule at the Pit would allow… which was less and less, these days. It meant that, when Felix did have time to visit, they had to make sure they were bringing something to apologize for the absence that preceded the trip.

Which meant grasshoppers, usually.

They held up a small box at Syd’s question, smiling and reaching out a hand to assist Lola in her climb. “Only the best,” they confirmed. “I picked the fattest ones.”

—

Syd leaned towards Felix as Lola crawled down her arm onto Felix’s, beady eyes trained on the box that could only mean one thing. “I’m pretty sure she has the shape of those boxes memorized.” As Lola crawled up Felix’s arm and to their shoulder, Syd was quick to grab the hanging leash and drape it over Felix’s free hand. “I’m starting to think you only come around here to see her.” Xena whined in protest, huffing as she got up from her spot next to the chair to trot over to Felix. 

“You want anything to drink? Got limeade, water…” She paused as she opened up the bright pink cooler, disappointed by the lack of contents. “That’s all, actually. Think I might have some cold brew inside if that’s more your speed.” Syd knocked the cooler top down, pressing it with her knee to ensure it closed entirely. The more she looked at them, the more she realized they looked like a hollowed out version of themselves. These days, it wasn’t hard to feel that way, herself. “You look like you could use some food, too. I have extra fixings for sandwiches, if you want one. Almost out of dijon though.” 

—

Felix ducked a little to accommodate the height difference between themself and Syd, allowing Lola more ease with which to make the transfer. They laughed as the lizard began making her way towards the box, shifting so that the leash could be properly secured to ensure Lola’s safety. “She’s smart,” he agreed, holding the box out of Lola’s reach. “We need to get you inside before you can break it open,” they told her seriously. “The bugs would all hop away out here.”

Leaning down as Xena trotted over, Felix gave her a scratch behind the ears. They ached for Penelope, still at their old apartment with Luci. Bringing her with him to the boiler room would have been cruel, but he missed her all the same. They flashed Syd a small smile. “I come to see you, too! You’re just way less excited about grasshoppers.” Glancing to the cooler, they let out a little laugh. “Limeade sounds good.” He shifted, a little guilty with how easily they had noticed his state. Was it that obvious? “Sure. A sandwich sounds good.” It would be rude to refuse, wouldn’t it?

—

“They’re right,” Syd hummed. They glanced behind them towards the winnebago, door propped open with a cinderblock. The enclosure that Syd had custom built for Lola took up half of the trailer. She wasn’t about to be flamed for improper care of a reptile. Not when she’d done so much research. “Sometimes I put her in one of those kiddie pools– empty, obviously, and dump some crickets in. She has a fucking blast chasing them down.” The only thing normal at this point in her life were the two creatures beside her, both varying in disposition, but the right kind of companion she needed when it felt like her life was falling apart. 

“Don’t think it’s really in our nature to want them, y’know?” Syd cracked their own grin before motioning for Felix to follow them into the winnebago. From there, Felix would be able to give Lola her crickets. They were quick to grab a bottle of the homemade limeade they’d made before, placing it on the table in the small kitchenette. “What do you want? There’s uh…” They peered inside of the fridge, leaning slightly to the side as they moved some of the condiments around, “salami, turkey, roast beef.” There were lactose free cheeses inside, too. She held one of the packets up for them to inspect. “You like this stuff?” 

—

“I’d like to see that,” Felix laughed, imagining the chaos that must have come from a lizard on the prowl. It was clear that Syd had a good setup here; Felix would wager that Lola was one of the most well-taken care of lizards on the planet, and they liked that. It was nice to see. He’d always heard that you could tell a lot about a person by how they took care of their pets, and Syd’s treatment of hers spoke volumes. 

Following Syd to the winnebago, Felix carefully deposited Lola in her enclosure while Syd retrieved the limeade. They put a few crickets in the enclosure — not the whole box quite yet — and grinned as Lola began chasing them. “Oh, uh, turkey sounds good!” They glanced back at Syd, flashing a grin at the cheese she held up. “Oh, hey, yeah, that’s great!” Lactose free cheese was one of Felix’s favorites — all the flavor of cheese, without the upset stomach. “So, how have you been?”

—

Xena didn’t come in after them, but instead curled up next to the small metal stairway, head draped over one of her paws. Syd tore a piece of turkey from the package and threw it to her, hearing the dog immediately snap it up off of the ground. “You and her both.” She grinned down at Xena as her big, droopy eyes blinked upwards, willing to somehow control her owner for more. “Later,” Syd assured, then turned to the cabinet to grab a plate. 

“How have I been,” Syd hummed, delicately positioning the pieces together on the bread she’d just gotten from one of the town’s bakeries. “You know, so-so.” She could probably be honest with them about what happened, or what was happening. The abnormality, the inability to control her shifts– the way the jaguar seemingly had a mind of its own at this point. “Parents are in New Mexico, I think. Postcards are on the fridge.” Syd motioned towards them with the knife as she slathered some mustard onto the opposite side of the bread. “So it gets lonely except with these two, it’s a bit better.” They slapped the bread over top of the rest of the sandwich and turned the plate towards Felix. “How about you? You look real fucking tired.” 

—

“I must have good taste, then,” Felix replied, smiling fondly as Xena snapped up the turkey. There were worse comparisons to be made, they knew, especially from Syd. It was clear just in the way she looked at the dog that they loved her entirely, obvious from the look shining behind her eyes. And it was nice to see, really. There was something undeniably heart warming about seeing something, even a dog, be loved so entirely.

He nodded as Syd repeated the question, wondering what level of honesty they’d find in the reply. It was give and take, sometimes, especially in this town. Strange things happened all the time, and Felix was never entirely sure what to do with any of them. Sometimes, the whole world felt heavy. He had no doubt that it was the same for Syd — it was the same for everyone. There was no one alive who wasn’t struggling under some kind of a weight. They nodded along as Syd explained a little further, glancing to the postcards on the fridge. “At least you’ve got good company,” he said with a smile, looking down at Lola. She’d made quick work of the grasshoppers they’d given her and was demanding more now. Felix complied, emptying a few more from the box. 

Of course, it was inevitable that the question was turned around on them. Wasn’t that always how it went? You asked someone how they were doing, they asked the same of you… Felix shrugged, rubbing their face absently. The truth was, they were tired. Exhaustion clung to their very bones these days. It was hard to sleep in the boiler room. It was hard to do much of anything, really. But none of that should be placed on Syd’s shoulders, so he shrugged. “I’m okay. I moved into a new space, and my neighbors are kind of loud. It makes it hard to sleep, you know?” The lie came so easily that it scared them a little. They never used to find it so simple to stretch the truth.

—

Syd looked over at Felix as they emptied a few more grasshoppers into Lola’s enclosure. “You’re such a lush, Ols.” The reptile did not have a care in the world, and she couldn’t blame her. “But yeah, you’re right. Could be worse.” There was a constant fear that she might wake up one day covered in the blood of Xena, or that Lola’s enclosure would be busted through, glass scattered around the trailer. But she had faith in her jaguar to know that above all, Xena and Lola were what kept her at her calmest, and though mutual respect had flown out the window, she needed to believe they would be safe. 

“You should get an air horn, start sounding it off every time they get too loud mouthed.” Syd took a seat at the small table, kicking their leg up to the side on an empty dog food bin. “Or you could move into one of the empty cabins here. Won’t charge you shit, you just gotta walk Xena when I’m not here.” She flashed a grin at them, knowing well enough that they wouldn’t take the offer. “The cabins don’t have a lot to offer, so before you get all misty eyed at the suggestion, know you’d have to use one of the fire pits to cook literally everything.” There were only three cabins on the entire grounds– the rest were typical tent sites, with a few hookups for trailers like her own. It was modest, but it brought people closer to nature, and that was what her parents had always aimed for. 

—

Lola seemed happy, and it was easier to focus on that. Felix didn’t want to think about the weight on his chest or the looming dread that seemed to hang over everything lately. They would much rather laugh at the way Syd’s lizard chased grasshoppers, and the way Syd spoke to her like she understood everything. “I’m glad you have them,” Felix said, watching Lola still. “And that they have you. You guys are all pretty lucky, I think.” Was anyone, in this town? 

The laugh that slipped through their lips was genuine, and they tried to imagine using an airhorn any time someone in the Grit Pit made too much noise. They didn’t think it would end particularly well for them, but it was a funny mental image all the same. “Maybe I’ll try that.” There was a warmth in his chest at their offer, though Felix knew they wouldn’t be able to take it. If money were the problem that drove them into their current living situation, it would be one thing. That problem would be far easier to solve. Felix knew there were plenty of people who’d take him in in that case, Syd included. But, as it stood… “I couldn’t do that. Thank you for the offer, I really appreciate it. But… I’m stuck where I am for now.” In a pretty literal sense. “But if you want tips for cooking on the firepits, I’m actually pretty good at it.”

—

“I’m going to definitely take that as a compliment.” Because it was one, wasn’t it? All things considered, Syd still existed, despite the circumstances. Despite the blood and sinew that ran across the roof of her mouth, Syd had pushed through, had decided that while the jaguar had all the say, there was little to no room for it to puncture holes in her day to day. Well, despite the whole quitting her apprenticeship thing, but that didn’t count. Enclosed spaces meant harm could be done, and it was better out here, anyway. 

“Let me know how it goes. Maybe I’ll try it for those fucking squirrels that hang out here and eat all the bird seed.” Syd nodded towards the open window which, on the other side, revealed a bright orange bird feeder with ornaments hanging from the bottom, all of which were filled with sugar water, prepared especially for the ruby throated hummingbirds that meandered around the area. “Fuck being stuck, Felix. Hope you get out soon. Shit sucks, feeling like you can’t leave.” Her fingers twitched, itching for the vape pen under her pillow. Even though Lola couldn’t speak, she knew that as soon as she unearthed it, the dragon’s beady little eyes would bore into her in disappointment. “But if you ever need it, it’s always here. The bed’s are actually pretty comfortable. Had to stay in one when this thing was getting patched up.” Syd pointed to the ceiling of the winnebago, revealing a different section of material that had been installed to prevent further leaking from rainfall. Syd studied them for a moment, leaning forward, dropping the leg that was propped down. “Everything good?” 

—

“It was meant as one,” Felix clarified quickly, smile half-apologetic. They weren’t always good at making things like that clear, but they liked to think that Syd understood. Maybe it was because she’d known them longer than most, or maybe it was the spirits that lived within them. Other shifters could understand a bit, of course; Anita and Wyatt both tried, Mona put forth more of an effort than most. But at the end of the day… They couldn’t perfectly understand Felix’s plight any better than Felix could understand theirs. Syd had more of an inside view on things. There was some comfort in that, even if Syd’s inside view only really gave them insight on the jaguar parts of Felix’s issues.

The idea of Syd blaring an airhorn at passing squirrels drew another laugh from Felix’s lips, and they nodded their head. “I’ll be sure to give you a full report,” he promised, offering a sloppy salute. They looked to the birdfeeder, feeling something stir in their chest at the way it hung so freely there. It was stupid to be jealous of birds, but Felix was. Felix was jealous of anything and everything that seemed freer than he could be. Syd was right in their distaste for being stuck. It wasn’t something meant for people like them. Felix wondered if her jaguar struggled with the idea as much as theirs did. “Thanks, Syd,” they said softly. “I’ll let you know, okay?” Maybe someday. Maybe if Leo ever let him move out, maybe if Luci didn’t want him back in the apartment, maybe if living here seemed better than living there. “Everything’s okay.” It was a lie, but it wasn’t Syd’s problem. “Uh, are things… good with you?”

—

Syd grinned at them, grateful for the compliment, even if it seemed Felix was uncertain about it being one to begin with. Things had changed with time, especially between their two families. What once had been mutual respect had been usurped by the weaving of time and grief, etching different marks into them. Syd couldn’t blame Felix for disappearing, or for his siblings doing so– even if at the time, there’d been confusion. Her parents had explained it in simple terms; life did not always turn out the way that one had hoped. Felix’s mother’s passing had sent tremors through their community, and though Syd had things she wanted to say about it now, the time had since passed for such a thing. 

But still, Felix was in front of her now, faux smile pulled at the corners of their lips. She could see the pain in his eyes, the exhaustion, but it wasn’t for her to mend. If he decided he needed help, he’d come to her. Besides, she had enough of her own shit to deal with without tearing him down with her. Syd saluted Felix, a grin tugging at the corners of her lips. “Hope you do. Want full explanations. Or abbreviations is fine. Give me a key.” The look on Felix’s face as they watched the bird feeder stirred something in her chest, but she pushed it down. These days, she wasn’t sure if it was her own set of feelings, or if it was the jaguar doing it for her. “Yeah, no problem. No pressure, either. Figured I’d offer since it’s here.” Would it be better to have somebody like her in proximity should the jaguar run its weight through her? Or would it be worse? Syd couldn’t be sure. At his question, she shrugged, own fake smile plastered on now, only she was sure hers was more convincing. “Oh, you know. Apprenticeship got busted, budget cuts.” It was a lie. The owner of the shop was still trying to convince her to come back. “So now I’m doing this full time.” She pointed to the clipboard of check-ins hanging next to the fridge. “It’s not bad though. Could be worse.” It was as bad as it was going to get, but she knew she needed to hang on to the little things. “Hey, finish your sandwich and we can take Xena on a walk, yeah?” 

—

There were people who wanted to help them, and maybe that should have come as a relief. Maybe Felix should have been happy for it, should have accepted their assistance with open arms. But all he could think about were the most recent attempts at help, and what they’d resulted in. Zane and Wyatt’s good intentions had only dug Felix into a deeper grave, and Charlie’s attempts at assistance had made him worse off. Felix didn’t think they’d be able to forgive themself if anyone else ended up in a bad situation because of him, and they didn’t think they could handle their own situation growing worse. It was better, he thought, to swallow it all. To pretend nothing was wrong at all and hope that, this time, the person they were speaking to would respect them enough to accept it. With Syd, he didn’t think it would be much of an issue. There was an understanding there; Felix needed that.

They respected Syd enough to return the favor, too. There was something going on, he thought, something hiding behind her expression, but if Syd wanted to talk about it, Felix would let them do it in her own time. His good intentions wouldn’t make things worse for his friend — Felix would make sure of it. “I’m sorry,” they said with an apologetic smile. “You can still do my tattoos. I’ll pay you more, anyway. Better to have someone who gets it doing them, right?” They offered her a nod, absently dropping a few more grasshoppers into the enclosure. At Syd’s suggestion, they turned back towards her and brightened a little, stuffing the rest of the sandwich into their mouth and swallowing. “I want to hold the leash,” they said eagerly.