summary: months after breaking up, you run into alex at jasonâs birthday party. seeing him with tara brings back feelings you thought youâd moved past
the invitation to jasonâs second birthday came about two weeks before the party.
not because you didnât want to see jason. you loved jason and youâd known him long enough that not showing up wouldâve felt weird, especially when heâd specifically invited you and your friends.
the only problem was alex. or, as everyone online knew him, adapt.
you and alex had been broken up for a couple months now.
it hadnât ended badly. neither of you had cheated, there was no huge fight, no betrayal that made it easy to hate each other.
youâd just gotten tired.
and heâd gotten busy. youâd gotten busy. little things started turning into arguments, arguments turned into distance, and eventually you both reached the point where neither of you knew how to fix it anymore.
looking back, you honestly thought you probably couldâve. but you didnât.
and after a couple months, youâd gotten used to not having him around.
at least, that was what you kept telling yourself as you stood in front of the mirror, fixing your hair while maru sat on the edge of your bed.
âyouâre thinking too much.â she said, leaning back on her hands.
you looked at her through the mirror, pretending to be confused. âiâm literally not. iâm just getting ready.â
âyouâve changed your outfit three times.â
âmaybe because i didnât like the other ones.â you said, reaching for your purse from the dresser. âthat doesnât mean iâm thinking about anything.â
maru gave you a knowing look. âmhm. whatever you have to tell yourself.â
you rolled your eyes and grabbed your purse, checking your reflection one last time before turning around. âiâm going to have fun tonight. thatâs literally all i care about.â
âi know you are.â she said, standing up from the bed. âi just think youâre making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.â
âiâm not making anything into a big deal.â you insisted. âand if alex is there, i donât care. weâve been broken up for months.â
maru smiled, clearly trying not to laugh. âi didnât say anything about alex.â
she laughed as she grabbed her own things. âokay, fine. maybe my face did, but youâre the one who brought him up.â
âbecause i already know what youâre thinking.â
âand what am i thinking?â
âthat iâm going to see him and suddenly lose my mind.â
âi wasnât going to say that.â she said, opening the door. âbut now that you mention it, iâm definitely thinking it.â
you shook your head, laughing despite yourself as you followed her out. âyouâre annoying.â
âand youâre taking forever. come on. devinâs already asking where we are.â
the two of you left together, and by the time you met up with devin and nick and were on the way to jasonâs, you had mostly managed to convince yourself that you were right.
you were going to have fun.
alex was going to be there, but that didnât mean anything. you had moved on.
when you arrived at jasonâs house, the party was already in full swing.
music was playing throughout the house, people were packed into the living room and kitchen, and there were cameras moving around everywhere as people filmed clips and interacted with one another. the energy was loud, and almost immediately, the nervous feeling youâd had on the drive over started to disappear.
you walked in with maru, devin, and nick, staying close to them as you looked around the crowded room.
âthis place is already packed.â devin said, looking around.
âi know.â maru replied, adjusting her bag on her shoulder. âi told you we shouldâve gotten here earlier.â
âand i told you we werenât getting here earlier.â he retorted.
you laughed, shaking your head as the four of you made your way farther into the house. you hadnât even made it very far before jason spotted you.
his face immediately lit up as he walked over, looking between all four of you.
âyo, whatâs up? hi, guys.â he said, pulling devin into a quick hug before greeting nick and maru. âiâm glad you guys made it.â
âhappy birthday man.â nick said, giving him a quick pat on the shoulder.
âthank you, bro.â jasonâs attention eventually landed on you, and his expression shifted into a genuine smile.
âhey.â he said, pulling you into a hug. âlong time no see.â
you laughed softly as you hugged him back. âyeah, itâs been a minute.â
âseriously.â he said as he pulled away, looking at you for a second. âi didnât think you were actually gonna come.â
you raised an eyebrow, pretending not to understand what he meant. âwhy wouldnât i?â
jason shrugged, a small smile still on his face. âi donât know. i just didnât.â
you laughed and shook your head. âwell, iâm here.â
âi see that.â he said, grinning. âiâm glad you came, though. itâs good seeing you.â
âitâs good seeing you too. happy birthday.â
âthank you.â someone called jason from across the room, and he glanced over his shoulder before looking back at all of you.
âi gotta go deal with something, but iâll come find you guys later.â
âgo.â maru said, waving him off. âitâs your birthday. jason laughed before disappearing back into the crowd.
once he disappeared back into the crowd, you turned your attention toward your friends again, trying to push the interaction out of your mind before you could start overthinking it.
for the next hour or so, everything actually felt normal. you stayed close to maru, devin, and nick, bouncing between conversations and laughing over things that probably wouldnât even make sense the next morning. you took pictures together, stole some of devinâs food when he wasnât paying attention, and ended up arguing with nick over something completely stupid that neither of you actually cared about.
the more time passed, the less you thought about alex.
you started to relax, letting yourself get caught up in the party instead of worrying about who else was there. the music was loud, everyone seemed to be in a good mood, and you were actually having fun without thinking about the fact that your ex was somewhere in the same house.
then, while maru was in the middle of telling you a story, your attention drifted toward the other side of the room.
alex was standing near the kitchen, talking to a few people with a drink in his hand. you hadnât seen him properly in months, and for a second, everything around you seemed to become slightly quieter.
you had seen him online since the breakup. youâd come across his streams, clips, pictures, and random posts that occasionally found their way onto your feed. sometimes youâd watch them longer than you meant to, while other times youâd scroll away almost immediately because you didnât want to give yourself a reason to think about him.
but none of that prepared you for actually seeing him standing in the same room.
he looked familiar in a way that made your chest tighten.
the way he stood, the way he laughed, the way he moved his hands when he talked. little things youâd forgotten you remembered seemed to come back all at once, and before you could stop yourself, you found yourself staring.
you could tell by the slight pause in her story and the way her eyes flickered briefly in the direction you were looking.
but she didnât say anything.
she didnât tease you, didnât ask if you were okay, and didnât make some obvious comment about alex being there. she simply continued her story as if she hadnât noticed you zoning out at all.
you were grateful for that.
you forced your attention back to her, giving a small laugh at something sheâd said even though youâd completely missed the last part of the story.
âsorry, what did you say?â you asked, trying to sound casual.
maru looked at you for half a second, clearly knowing you hadnât been listening, but instead of calling you out, she just repeated herself.
âi said devin was literally about to fall asleep standing up earlier.â
you glanced toward devin, who was busy talking to nick and completely unaware that he was being discussed.
âof course he did, heâs such a grandpa.â you said, finally letting yourself laugh.
âi know.â maru replied, continuing the conversation without making you explain yourself.
you looked down at your drink for a moment, taking a small sip before letting your eyes wander around the room again.
you told yourself you werenât looking for alex. you were just looking.
but when your eyes found him again, you quickly turned back toward maru before she could notice a second time.
you managed to get through the first part of the night without letting yourself think too much about alex. you knew he was there somewhere, but the house was crowded enough that you could go a while without seeing him, and honestly, that made it easier.
eventually, you ended up in the kitchen with a drink in your hand, talking to lacy and ron.
âi havenât seen you in forever.â lacy said giving you a respectful, side hug. âhow have you been?â
âgood, honestly. iâve just been doing my own thing.â
ron leaned against the counter beside him, smiling as he listened. âthatâs what everyone says when theyâve actually been busy.â
you laughed. âi have been busy. iâve just been trying to stay out of everybodyâs business.â
âthatâs hard to do around here.â lacy said, looking around the crowded kitchen. âthereâs always some fucking drama going on.â
you stayed there with them for a while, talking over the music and laughing about old stories. it was easy, familiar, and exactly what youâd wanted from the night.
then, while ron was talking, your attention drifted past him.
alex was standing on the other side of the kitchen. and tara was with him.
you didnât mean to stare, but you watched for a second before forcing yourself to look back at lacy.
there wasnât anything going on. they were just talking.
still, seeing them together in person felt different than seeing a random clip online.
especially because youâd started noticing them more over the last few weeks.
it wasnât like you were searching for them or keeping up with whatever they were doing, but their collabs had become hard to miss. youâd seen clips of them together popping up on your feed, little moments from streams that people would repost, and then the edits started getting more obvious.
people were shipping them.
there were compilations of their interactions, edits making their conversations look more romantic than they probably were, comments talking about how good they looked together, and even jokes about how they were definitely together privately.
youâd never thought much of it at the time. at least, you tried not to.
youâd usually scroll past and tell yourself it was just the internet doing what it always did, pitting two people of the opposite sex into a whole epic romance.
but now you were standing in the same room watching them laugh together, and suddenly all those little clips felt a lot less harmless.
you looked down at your drink and took another sip.
you reminded yourself that alex wasnât your boyfriend anymore. he was allowed to have friends. he was allowed to collab with whoever he wanted. and he was sure as hell was allowed to be close with another girl without it having anything to do with you.
you just didnât particularly like having to remind yourself.
you turned your attention back toward lacy and forced yourself into the conversation again, laughing when he finished his story.
âwait, no, because you wouldâve done the exact same thing.â you said, nudging him.
âi absolutely would not.â
âyou absolutely would.â
ron laughed between the two of you, and for a few minutes, you actually forgot about what youâd seen.
then you glanced over again and they were still together.
this time, she said something that made him laugh, and you immediately looked away.
you finished your drink without even realizing youâd been doing it. once the cup was empty, you set it down and reached for another.
you werenât drinking because you were upset.
you were at a party. you were having fun. you were allowed to drink.
and if drinking made it a little easier to stop thinking about who alex was talking to, then there wasnât exactly anything wrong with that.
you took another sip and turned back toward lacy and ron, letting yourself get pulled back into their conversation. for the next few minutes, you focused on them instead.
you just laughed and acted like you hadnât just spent the last five minutes reminding yourself that your ex was allowed to move on.
as the party continued, you tried to let yourself enjoy it.
you found your way back over to maru, devin, and nick, who were by the entrance of the living room. maru immediately looked you over when you walked up, like she was trying to figure out how long youâd actually been gone.
âthere you are.â she said, nudging your arm. âwe thought you dipped
âi was in the kitchen.â
nick looked at you for a second before glancing at the drink in your hand. âhow much have you had?â
you looked down at it, then back at him. âi donât know.â
âthatâs not a good answer.â
devin laughed and shook his head. âthatâs exactly what someone who isnât fine would say.â
you rolled your eyes, but you smiled anyway. âcan you guys just let me have fun?â
âthatâs what weâre trying to do.â maru said, linking her arm through yours. âcome on, weâre going to dance.â
you let her pull you toward the living room, deciding that maybe this was exactly what you needed. if you stayed around your friends, kept talking, kept laughing, and kept yourself busy, eventually youâd stop thinking about alex.
you danced with maru when one of your favorite songs came on, laughed when nick nearly spilled his drink all over himself, and took pictures with devin that you already knew were probably going to end up in someoneâs photo dump. they kept you involved and made a point of keeping you laughing whenever you started getting quiet.
you appreciated it more than you let them know. the problem was that you were already drinking more than you normally would.
youâd started drinking before you even came back from the kitchen because you were trying to make yourself stop thinking about alex, and now that you were back with everyone, you kept reaching for another drink whenever your thoughts started catching up with you.
âslow down.â maru said at one point, gently taking your cup from you before you could take another sip.
you immediately reached for it. âgive it back.â
âyouâve had enough.â
âi didnât say you were.â
she stared at you for a moment before handing it over with a sigh. âfine, but iâm watching you.â
you smiled like youâd won and took another sip.
the alcohol was slowly making everything feel less serious.
you were warmer, more relaxed, and less interested in filtering what you said, but it wasnât actually making the jealousy go away. if anything, it was making it harder to ignore.
every time you looked across the room, you seemed to find alex again.
and, more often than not, tara was somewhere nearby.
sometimes they were talking. sometimes they were standing beside each other while other people talked around them.
you kept telling yourself there was nothing to it, but the more youâd been drinking, the harder it was to convince yourself.
at one point, tara leaned closer to say something over the music, and alex bent down so he could hear her.
you watched them for a second before looking away, your expression falling without you even realizing it.
âi hate this.â you muttered.
maru, who had been standing beside you, heard you clearly. âthen stop watching them.â
âyouâre not trying very hard.â
you gave her an annoyed look, but there wasnât much fight behind it anymore. âi just donât understand why i care.â
maruâs expression softened when she saw how genuinely upset you looked.
âbecause you were with him for a long time.â
you looked down at your cup, turning it slowly between your fingers. âweâre not together anymore.â
âso i really shouldnât care.â
âthatâs not really how feelings work.â
you swallowed, trying to keep your expression neutral. âi know.â
maru squeezed your arm. âyou donât have to pretend youâre completely over it just because you broke up.â
you looked at her for a moment, your eyes starting to sting from a mixture of alcohol and emotions you were trying very hard not to acknowledge.
âi donât want to be jealous.â
you laughed quietly. âthatâs not how it works either.â
âi know.â she said, smiling softly. âbut try not to let it ruin your night.â
you nodded, even though you werenât sure you could promise that.
to distract you, devin suddenly stepped between the two of you with nick behind him.
âweâre taking pictures.â devin announced. âyouâre coming.â
you groaned. âright now?â
âi donât want pictures.â
nick grabbed your shoulder and pulled you into the group before you could argue. âjust smile and pretend youâre having the best night ever.â
you laughed despite yourself. âi am having a good night.â
you let yourself get pulled into the conversation again, and for a few minutes, you actually forgot.
until you looked toward the other side of the room. alex was already looking at you. your smile slowly faded.
everything around you seemed to blur into the background as your eyes met from across the room.
he didnât immediately look away. neither did you.
there was something different about the way he was looking at you now. it wasnât casual, and it wasnât the same look heâd given you earlier in the night. he seemed completely distracted by you, like heâd forgotten about everyone around him.
you couldnât hear what anyone was saying anymore.
you just stood there staring at each other. then tara said something beside him.
alex didnât respond. she said it again, this time touching his arm lightly to get his attention.
he finally blinked and looked toward her.
she said something else, and he turned away from you to answer her. the moment broke.
you looked down, suddenly feeling embarrassed that youâd been standing there staring at him.
âyou okay?â devin asked.
you nodded quickly. âyeah. iâm fine.â
maru looked between you and alex before looking back at you. âmaybe you should get some air.â
you nodded, already feeling the emotions youâd been trying to suppress start to catch up with you.
âyea ill be right back.â you said.
maru looked at you immediately. âdo you want me to come with you?â
âno. iâll be quick.â
she hesitated, clearly not loving the idea of you going outside alone, especially after watching how much youâd been drinking.
âokay.â she finally said. âbut donât disappear.â
you gave her a small smile. âi wonât.â
you slipped through the back door before anyone could stop you, leaving the music and the crowded room behind.
the cool air hit your face as soon as you stepped outside, and you immediately took a deep breath, hoping it would clear your head. you walked farther from the back door before leaning against the railing, looking down at the drink in your hand.
you knew you were jealous and at this point there was no point pretending otherwise.
youâd spent most of the night watching alex and tara together, telling yourself you didnât care every time you caught them talking. then youâd take another drink, turn back toward your friends, and somehow end up looking at them again a few minutes later.
especially because you knew you didnât have a right to be jealous.
you and alex had been broken up for months.
the back door opened behind you, and you heard footsteps before turning around. alex stopped when he saw you.
âoh, i didnât know you were out here,â he said, glancing toward the house. âi just came outside because itâs getting too loud in there.â
âyeah.â you muttered. âi needed air too.â
he nodded and stayed a few feet away from you, leaning against the railing.
for a moment, neither of you said anything. then he looked over.
his eyes moved to your drink. âyouâve had a lot tonight.â
âiâm not judging you.â
âi didnât say you were.â
he nodded, but then he went quiet again.
you waited but he didnât say anything. you looked at him, already annoyed.
âare you seriously not going to say anything?â
alex frowned. âabout what?â
âi donât know. anything.â
âso iâm not trying to have some huge conversation with you when youâve been drinking.â
you scoffed, looking away. âright. you can talk to tara all night, though.â
alexâs eyebrows pulled together. âwhat?â
you shrugged like you hadnât just admitted exactly what had been bothering you all night. ânothing.â
âno, what did you just say?â
âi said you can talk to tara all night.â
he stared at you for a second, clearly trying to figure out where that had come from. âwhat does tara have to do with anything?â
you laughed under your breath, looking down at your cup.
ânothing. forget it.â
âno, seriously. why are you bringing her up?â
you shook your head, taking another sip even though you knew you probably shouldnât.
âbecause youâve been with her all night.â you finally said, the words coming out more bitter than you intended. âevery time i look over, sheâs there. you two are talking, laughing, standing together, and iâm just supposed to sit there and pretend i donât notice.â
alex looked at you for a moment, then glanced back toward the house.
âi didnât realize you were paying that much attention.â
you gave him an annoyed look. âi donât know, alex. maybe because i can still see you from across the room?â
âthatâs not what i meant.â
âi know what you meant.â
he was quiet again, and that silence only made you more irritated.
âsee, youâre doing it again.â you said, pushing yourself away from the railing slightly. âyou ask me why, and then you donât say anything when i actually tell you.â
âbecause youâre drunk.â
âi know iâm drunk.â
âthen you know why iâm not saying much.â
âbecause you think iâm going to regret it tomorrow?â
âbecause i donât want you saying something because youâre emotional right now and then feeling like i took advantage of that.â
you stared at him, your frustration slowly turning into something more emotional. âbut what if i mean it?â
alex didnât answer immediately.
âwhat if i mean everything iâm saying?â you continued. âwhat if iâm just drunk enough to actually say it out loud?â
he looked at you carefully.
âthen we can talk about it tomorrow.â
you scoffed and looked away. âthatâs so easy for you to say.â
âwhat do you want me to say tonight?â
âanything.â you said, turning back toward him. âjust say something that isnât âyouâre drunkâ or âweâll talk tomorrow.ââ
alex sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. âi donât know what you want from me.â
âi donât know either.â you admitted, your voice cracking slightly. âthatâs the problem.â
you looked down at your cup, blinking a few times before continuing. âi just know that i hated seeing you with her.â
alexâs expression softened.
âi know tara and i were talking a lot tonight, but thereâs nothing going on between us.â
âthen why does it bother you so much?â
you stared at him for a few seconds, almost offended that he was actually making you say it out loud when you both already knew the answer. âyou know why, alex.â
he held your gaze, but he didnât say anything.
you shook your head and looked away, taking another sip from your drink before continuing. âdonât make me sit here and explain it to you like you donât already know. you know exactly why it bothers me.â
âi want to hear you say it.â
you let out a frustrated laugh. âof course you do.â
âiâm not trying to make you upset.â
âwell, youâre doing a shitty job.â
alex looked at you for a moment, his expression softening when he realized how genuinely upset you were.
âiâm not trying to make you upset.â he said again, quieter this time. âi just donât want to put words in your mouth.â
âI get that but you know why iâm jealous. you know why i keep looking at you. you know why seeing you with her has been pissing me off all night.âyou replied, your voice getting sharper.
alex stayed quiet, and somehow that made you even more frustrated.
âsay something.â you muttered, wiping underneath your eye before the tears could fall. âyouâre making me look fucking stupid.â
âyou donât look stupid.â alex said quietly.
âit feels like i am.â
your voice cracked, and you looked away, embarrassed by how quickly everything was getting to you.
âi shouldnât even care this much.â you continued. âweâre not together. you can talk to tara, you can like someone else, you can do whatever you want. i know that. i just hate that it hurts me anyway.â
alexâs expression softened as he watched you, clearly bothered by seeing you this upset.
âi donât want you hurting over me.â he said.
âand youâre just standing there.â you tried to say before he cut you off.
âbecause i donât want to say something tonight that you might not mean tomorrow.â
you looked at him, tears finally slipping down your cheek. âbut what if i do mean it?â
alex took a small step closer, his voice staying gentle.
âthen you can tell me tomorrow.â
you shook your head, frustrated. âwhy canât you just tell me what you feel right now?â
âbecause youâre drunk, and i care about you too much to have this conversation like this.â
you stared at him, hurt by the answer even though you knew he was trying to do the right thing. âso you donât want to talk to me.â
âthatâs not what iâm saying.â
âi do want to talk to you.â he said, his voice firmer this time. âi just want you sober when we do it. i want you to remember what you said, and i want to know that you meant it because you actually feel that way, not because tonight got to you.â
you looked down, quietly wiping your face. âi hate you right now.â
alex gave a sad little smile. âi know.â
âmaybe not.â he admitted. âbut i know this is hurting you, and i donât like seeing you like this.â
you swallowed, trying to steady yourself.
âi still care about you.â you finally whispered. âand i hate that i do.â
alexâs face softened, but he didnât try to turn it into anything more. âthen tell me again tomorrow.â
you looked at him through your tears.
âand if i still feel the same?â
âthen weâll talk about it.â
the back door opened behind you before you could respond, and maru stepped outside, immediately noticing your face.
âthere you are,â she said, her voice softening when she saw you. âcome on, letâs get you some water.â
you nodded, wiping your cheeks before looking back at alex one last time.
he didnât say anything.
he just looked at you with that same expression heâd had all night, like he wanted to say more but knew better. and somehow, that hurt even more.
by the time you got home, the night was mostly a blur. you barely remembered getting into bed before passing out, but the second you woke up, everything came rushing back.
the conversation with alex. tara. the jealousy. and everything youâd admitted.
you groaned, reaching for your phone. there were messages from maru and the group chat, but one name immediately caught your attention.
alex: you make it home okay?
you: yeah. iâm just really hungover.
a moment later, another message came through.
alex: do you remember everything from last night?
you: unfortunately, yeah.
alex: even what you said outside?
there was a pause before he replied.
alex: okay. i just didnât want to push you last night. you were drunk and already pretty sad, and i didnât want to overwhelm you or make you say something you werenât ready to say.
you stared at the screen, remembering how frustrated youâd been with him for barely responding.
you: i thought you just didnât want to talk to me.
alex: no. i wanted to. i just didnât think it was fair to have that conversation while you were drunk.
you: i still meant what i said.
the typing bubble appeared.
alex: i know. and i still care about you too.
you stared at the message, your heart sinking a little.
you: then what about tara?
alex: weâre friends. thatâs all.
you nodded to yourself before typing.
you smiled faintly despite yourself. then another message appeared.
alex: can we talk about all of this in person?
you stared at it for a moment.
alex: because i donât want to have this conversation over text. i think we both deserve to actually talk about what happened between us.
you looked at the screen, your heart beating a little faster.
alex: iâll text you later and weâll figure something out.
you set your phone down, staring at the ceiling.
youâd spent months trying to convince yourself you were over him and now you werenât so sure anymore.