Voldemort: I decided that I needed an heir.
Bellatrix: Really, Master? What for? Youāre immortal.
Voldemort: Because Iām immortal, Iām not allowed to have a descendant?
Bellatrix: I mean... whatās the point? Your legacy is forever secured.
Voldemort: Yes, but what happens when you all die and Iām left alone? Youāre all getting old. So many of my followers have turned traitor. The younger they are, the less attached they are to me. I need a loyal, powerful follower who will outlive all of you.
Bellatrix: I definitely agree. The younger they are, the less attached they are to you. Snapeā
Voldemort: Stop it, Bella. I should procreate as soon as possible. Children grow slowly, and you all age quickly.
Bellatrix: You could adopt.
Voldemort: Are you implying my blood isnāt pure enough?
Bellatrix: No, just... whoās going to give you a child?
Voldemort: Well... I thought...
Bellatrix: Iām married, my Lord.
Voldemort: It has never been a problem before. Youāre talking to me as if to a lover at the dinner table in full view of your husband. You want to touch me all the time. And you do.
Bellatrix: Can you even have sex?
Voldemort: What?! Whatās wrong with you?
Bellatrix: After your rebirth, your... instrument is still working?
Voldemort: Yes! You should know something about that! I can walk, breathe, fuck. Have you been hit by a Bludger?
Bellatrix: Some people say youāre asexual.
Voldemort: Me? I talk about sex all the time! Iām having nightmares about mating with werewolves, I compare my huge cock to every wizard alive, Iām obsessed with pruning my family tree and legitimising my legacy, and I love my perfect body.
Bellatrix: Youāre the most beautiful of all. But Master, if Iād wanted children, Iād have had one with Rodolphus. (Even though I actually said to my sister many times that I would have happily given you my sons to serve you.)
Voldemort: But now Iām asking you. Doesnāt that make a huge difference?
Bellatrix: It does, but Iām in my forties. I could have given you ten sons before Azkaban.
Voldemort: You know, as wizards, we live much longer. We age much more slowly than disgusting Mudbloods, and in any case, I know a hundred potions to help with that. Did I mention Iām the most powerful wizard ever?
Bellatrix: What about a cauldron baby?
Voldemort: What the fuck is that?
Bellatrix: Well, you put your baby self in a cauldron and emerged as an adult man.
Voldemort: ...You understand nothing about the Dark Arts if thatās what you think happened. Do you really think babies appear out of thin air and can simply be brewed in a cauldron? Do you know Gampās Law of Elementary Transfiguration? Are you fucking dumb?
Bellatrix: Dumb? Yes, people say that about me... As though I wasnāt the only one who sees clearly whoās loyal to you. As if I wasnāt your most valuable Death Eater, personally trained by you.
Voldemort: Yeah... why are you talking like youāve turned into Wormtail?
Bellatrix: Have you considered a younger witch?
Bellatrix: One of the Greengrass girls, whatever.
Voldemort: You want me to fuck a teenager?
Bellatrix: We could use magical IVF, my Lord. Itās such a common thing in our world.
Voldemort: But... why would I inseminate a Greengrass girl when I have a Black woman?
Bellatrix: Do you want to proceed with magical IVF on me?
Voldemort: Why? Weāve been having sex for thirty years. Why are you making so little sense, woman? Whatās going on with you? Donāt you want me?
Bellatrix: Iāve shown my desire for you in a hundred different ways, Master! Some people even say Iām an erotomaniac!
Voldemort: You really need to stop reading the trash press, Bellatrix. Itās beneath you to think like that. You know how misogynistic Mudbloods are.
Bellatrix: I canāt believe the Dark Lord is less misogynistic than self-proclaimed feminists... But youāre right. I think Iāve been hit by a Confundus Charm, my Lord.
Voldemort: Obviously. Iām starting to get offended. Do I have to beg you to give me a child?
Bellatrix: Of course not, my Lord. But we should get on with it now. Who knows how many months itāll take me to get pregnant?
Voldemort: Well, given that we live under the same roof at Malfoy Manor, share the same bed, Iām the most powerful wizard on this planet, and youāre madly in love with me, Iād say we should manage to procreate rather quickly, Bella.