To be fair, youโre always somewhat nervous, Alice says thatโs kind of common place for people with an anxiety disorder, but this is a different kind of nervous.
Youโre standing in the hallway of a college dormitory, in front of a white door with student names on cute little papers taped to it. One is the name of your Beheld human.
Your hand rests in your hoodie pocket, and you rub one of Aliceโs ears between your thumb and forefinger. Somewhere, a door opens and closes, and voices drift indistinctly from somewhere else in the floor. If you could sweat, you would.
Your phone buzzes; with a free hand, you check it. A text from Tulip, in your group chat with her and Alex and Davey.
well did u do it yet, it reads.
go ur gon be fine, she replies.
you talked to the president once, interrupts Daveyโs message. and that wasnโt even someone you liked; this is someone you like.
Thatโs the problem, you think, and put the phone away. Espeonโs voice from where she is tucked into your hoodie against your form whispers against where a ear would be: โChicken, bawk bawk bawk!โ
โYouโre an jerk,โ you say.
โYouโre a fucking baby,โ she answers.
Aliceโs voice, then, calm and metered: โHe has GAD, Espeon. Not that wouldnโt perfectly normal for him to be afraid even if he didnโt, this is just hard for him. This goes against everything we know. Against our entire society.โ
โBut heโs still gonna do it because heโs a big human boy now!โ
โI will, I will,โ you insist. โJust... give me another minute.โ
โChicken,โ jeers Espeon again, but thankfully falls quiet. You feel Alice brush a paw against the palm of the hand that remains with her, and are grateful.
Your hand is shaking as you knock.
Your Beholdenโs voice answers, a quick โIโm coming!โ followed by the sound of bare feet padding on wood. They open the door.
(If you had real eyes, there would be tears in them.)
โKeep it together,โ whispers Espeon.
You swallow hard. A facsimile of a heart thuds heavy in your chest. The Beholden blinks at you from behind thick glasses rimmed in black. โCan I help you?โ they ask.
โI, uh, hi,โ you say.
โHello,โ they say, eyes narrowing. You remember theyโre hesitant around men. Right. Youโre... a man. Sort of. Gender is not as tight a concept for you. They should relate to that, theyโre nonbinary themselves.
โAre you lost?โ they ask.
โI was,โ you say, and thatโs not a lie. The hand rubbing Aliceโs ear gently grasps her around the mid and pulls her from your pocketโ you offer her to the Beholden, whose jaw drops a little.
โThatโs Alice,โ they say.
โI, um, I found it,โ you say. โAnd this too.โ You reach for Espeon, who lets herself fall into her natural form and into your hand, passing her to the Beholden.
They hold the pair with shaking hands; you see them blink back tears.
โHow the fuck,โ they say, and itโs more a proclamation then a ask. The two are held to the Beholdenโs chest, tightly tightly tightly, and you feel a twinge of jealousy.
Their watering eyes run across you, searching. You know what they look for. But you donโt say anything. You just look away, a lightheaded dizziness making you feel like youโre floating a little. Not even in a pleasing way. It makes you feel a little sick, actually. False heartbeat thunders and blood roars in ears consciousness insists are real and there.
โThank you,โ the Beholden says. Their voice is hitched, breaks as the tears come falling out. โLike, really, thank you. These two mean a lot to me. I thought I lost them forever somehow. I honestly canโt imagine how anyone managed to find them.โ
โYouโre welcome,โ you say. Your voice squeaks a little as they tuck the pair into their own hoodie and then lean toward you.
โCan I hug you?โ they ask. โYou know, as a shitty thanks for finding my plushies. Pretty stupid Iโm so emotional about it.โ
โItโs not stupid,โ you say. โI think itโs cool. That you care that much.โ Another hard swallow. โAnd, uh, sure, you can.โ Your own voices catches, putters out into nothing as they wrap their arms around you and squeeze you gently.
(You think, somewhere in the part of you that has not short circuited, that youโd like to stay like this forever.)
The Beholden breaks the hug, looks back into their dorm at you and back. โHowโd you know where I was? Or who they belonged to?โ
โI asked them,โ you say.
The Beholden looks skeptical for a moment, and then nods. โYeah, ok, with witchcraft and divination conduits and intuition I can see that happening,โ they say. โI guess youโre a weirdo that talks to objects too.โ
Iโm a weirdo who is a talking object, you think, but you donโt say that. Instead you say, โYeah, I guess.โ
โWhatโs your major?โ they ask.
Oh. โUh, uh...โ What do people go to school for? Whatโs the most common thing people go to school for here?
They look you over again. โOut of state student? Youโre gonna overheat.โ
โSkin condition,โ you say. โAnd a - a - I have temperature regulation issues.โ
โOh shit Iโm sorry,โ they say. โDidnโt mean to be an ass.โ
โItโs ok,โ you say. โI know it looks weird, given where we are.โ
โYeah, full snow gear in Texas is pretty weird,โ they say. โYou look very soft and huggable like that though. Like some kinda teddy bear. Maybe even a pillow.โ
They go quiet after that, looking distant for a moment. Then: โIโm a journalism student.โ
โThatโs cool,โ you say. You know this already, know so much about them already, but itโs nice to hear it, from them. โWhat do you want to do with that? I mean, like for work?โ
(You know the answer: something something newspaper, something something copy editor.)
โWork on a local paper, maybe; hopefully do copy editing of the other reporterโs stuff,โ they say. โYou said you were undecided, right?โ
I didnโt say anything, you think, but you nod at that.
โCommunications is pretty cool,โ they say, giving you a wink. Your heart skips.
โIโll consider it,โ you manage to say.
The Beholden has pulled Alice and Espeon from their pocket, is studying them strangely. Something is turning in their brain, youโve seen the same expression before. Suddenly the two are being pushed back into your hands. You blink in surprise. โWhat are you doing?โ
โI already have over a hundred of these soft fuckers, and youโre a newbie to the state, you probably donโt have many friends,โ they say. โYou can keep them. Consider it a welcome gift. And a โthanks for being a nice person and trying to return themโ gift.โ
โAre you... sure?โ you say, gingerly taking the offered pair and tucking them away.
โYeah, Iโm sure. I like you. Whatโs your name?โ
You hesitate. โIโm John.โ
The Beholden extends their hand, and you shake it as they say their name to you.
โYou live on the hall?โ they ask.
โIโll see you around then,โ they say.
They smile, and you smile back, and then the door closes, and you are leaning against the wall, legs weak.
Espeon pops her head out of the hoodie pocket. โAww, look, heโs flustered,โ she says.
โEspeon!โ Alice chides.
โBoth of you stop talking, I need to breathe like ... like a person for a second,โ you say. Deep breaths. False lungs inflate deflate. False oxygen to a false brain. Itโs fine. Youโre good. Youโre good.
โHow does it feel? You are treading where no member of our world has gone before. That I know of anyway,โ says Alice as you walk (well, more stagger stumble out the dorm and back into the parking lot where Tulip and co are waiting).
โI think Iโm going to throw up,โ you say.
โImpressive, since youโve got nothing to do that with,โ says Espeon.
โYou know what I mean,โ you say, sliding into the back seat next to Alex, ignoring Tulip as she peppers you with questions. Alex reaches past you to pull the door shut, and the car leaves the front circle.
โSo,โ says Davey from the passenger side front seat once a few moments of driving has passed, โhow did it go?โ
โThey gave them back,โ you say. Your voice is faint.
โWe can see that,โ says Davey.
โDid they think you were a student?โ asks Alex.
(You can still feel their arms around you.)
โDid they ask how you found Alice and Espy?โ asks Tulip.
(You can still see the disappointment in their eyes.)
โHey, are you listening to us?โ asks Espeon.
(You want to tell them. You want to break every rule, because youโve done it once, what does it matter? But it does matter, because thatโs your Beheld human, and - and - and - )
Aliceโs voice, steady as ever, cuts through the haze. You blink, look down. Sheโs sitting on your lap; Espeon sits on Alexโs shoulder.
โAre you ok?โ she asks, gentle.
โI think I need to ... sleep or something,โ you say, shoulders sagging as you finally relax by a margin.
Alice nods. โAdrenaline. It makes sense.โ
โWill you ever do it again? I mean, will you ever try to talk to them again?โ Alex asks.
โYes,โ you say, and you are breathless again. โI would do anything for them.โ
โThatโs really gay, and really cute,โ says Tulip. Espeon is snickering.
โYeah,โ she says, โyouโve got a little crush!โ
Your consciousness insists youโre blushing. You insist youโre not. No one in the car believes you, of course, least of all yourself.
(But itโs true, you think.)
You would do anything for them.)
