#exhilarated

I feel all eyes on me.

Not in the way I always dreamed

But as if I were a wicked thing.

Some abomination accursed of god

Defiant

Apostate

Resolute before all creation.

I feel scared,

Naked,

Raw,

Some tiny thing in the middle of a field

As the wolves do prowl.

Before,

I'd have run away.

Locked myself in my room

Hiding who I was.

I'd have cried

Loathing how wrong I felt

How off my body was

To the vision I held in hope.

Not now.

Yes I am scared.

Yes

I get nervous

But I don't care any more.

I want to dress how I want to dress

Flaunt the beauty I recognize in me.

Show too much leg

Wear sheer blouses

Take pride in my curves and lack there of.

I want to live and love freely in the open.

Be seen and acknowledged as existing.

I have already spent years hiding from myself.

I'm done giving in and lying down.

.

And each day it gets easier.

Not that the struggle loses its bite.

I just love myself more

Take pride in myself more

And grow steadily more incapable

Life is too short to be spent on the couch watching Family Guy. And I'm not saying that as if it's an insult- Family Guy is great, don't get me wrong. But in 20 years, will you remember? Will the taste of takeout food on your tongue, the buildup of oil and dirt on your skin from your days of not doing self care, the scratch of fabric on your thigh mean anything in those 20 years to come?

I know it's hard right now. The turn of the earth seems endless. We circle the sun. We do it again. Depression, anxiety, a variety of mental illnesses with which I've become well acquainted, can just make it all meaningless.

I'm telling you to fight it. You don't need money, physical things, fancy houses or clothes or hair or nails to feel that you are YOU. You don't need to be the center of the world. You simply need to be. In doing so, you become something greater, even if you don't recognize it yet.

I know it might be hard to take that leap, but you can. Take care of yourself. Take care of others. Find pleasure in the little things and be graceful in your grand gestures. Live and be humble.

pairing: louis/harry

word count: 99,234

Rereads:

1. In This Light (exhilarated) -  Harry is a wardrobe stylist who likes to live in the moment, and Louis is a popstar who looks dreamy in double breasted jackets. Harry never stood a chance.

2. Don’t Tell The Gods (We Left A Mess) (bottomlinsons (grimgrace)) - After a misunderstanding with Liam’s mother, Louis agrees to accompany his best friend to a family wedding and pretend to be the world’s best boyfriend. But their simple plan goes awry when he learns that Harry, ex-boyfriend/ex-love of Louis’ life, will also be in attendance.

3. Don’t Look Down (zarah5) - In which Louis is a solicitor at one of London’s most prestigious law firms and Harry happens to apply for the position as his trainee. And everyone else is around, too.

New Reads:

1. This Shifting Ground (zarah5) - In which Louis, law student, is the cheeky waiter to Harry’s dates. This is how it starts.

2. That Dimpled Smile (phillipa19) - Harry is Marcel's big brother and he loves that he looks out for him, especially since he sucks at taking care of his own bullies, but when Harry's tattooed friend takes an interest in him, he'd really rather Harry just backed off. Marcel had accepted his sexuality a while ago, but he'd never actually been able to . . . test the theory, and that's what he really wants to do with this blue-eyed boy.

3. Your Mess Is Mine (amory) - Louis is the father to the most brilliant little boy in the world who is all Louis really needs, or at least that's what he tells himself. Harry is a gorgeous boybander fresh off a two year break and a massive scandal that's left him a little broken and more than ready to move on.

4. Now I’ve Got You In My Space (stylesforstiles) - Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson almost met on X-Factor. They meet on Dancing With The Stars instead.