#executive functioning issues

Like today I noticed that I’d worked about an extra hour over the last few days, and instead of doing overtime I was like “ok, it’s payday and the ‘get your oil changed, bitch’ light has been on for a while, let’s clock out at the 40 hour mark and go do that before it’s time to pick my wife up from work so I don’t have to try to make that happen this weekend”

Which meant not just the actual task of taking the car to the oil change place, but also sheepishly explaining to the folks there that a) I did not have the financial means to be upsold on anything that was not likely to be a life or death issue before tax refunds come in so please don’t bother unless you are literally afraid for my life if I don’t get the additional service, and b) I actually already know about the headlight that’s out and the old-ass air filter but please don’t replace them, I have the replacements in the car and just keep forgetting to install them myself and only remembering about it when I don’t have time or the engine is too hot for me to go feeling around for where the fucking headlight bulb goes

And to add insult to that injury, they finish up and I’m like, oh. Right.

I lost my debit card like 2-3 weeks ago (yay, absolute garbage perception of time) and KNOW it’s on the floor of the car or maybe in my apartment somewhere so I haven’t reported it lost to get a replacement I just need to find it but the car’s a huge mess and I keep always being too tired or busy when I think about it. And also it’s hard to not be underemployed when I don’t have the spoons to look for a better paying job on top of holding down the job I have, and my wife has similar issues, and the cost of living these days, guys, am I right?? And we’ve got a little windfall coming soon that will help us pay off our debts, but crucially. That is still ‘soon’ and hasn’t happened yet. Anyway so the credit card is apparently maxed out from us having to use it to get around not being paid a living wage the last couple of years :))))))) And the “emergency use only because the bill goes to my parents’ house and I don’t want to abuse the privilege of having parents who can afford to and are willing to help financially when I really need it or to keep being a burden on them, and also they WILL judge me if anything unnecessary is on there” card in my wallet is expired and the new one is somewhere in the kitchen (or living room?) mess at home so I can’t use that right now either

So I had to explain in front of the other customers that I just straight up forgot that the only functioning card in my wallet was maxed out and like, stand there while she looked at records to confirm I was a regular client who’d never pulled shit like this before and also put a note on my file so they could like, know about it and refuse service in the future if I didn’t make good on my promise to come back and pay once I pick my wife (and their debit card) up from work in an hour and a half

And the embarrassment of all of that so thoroughly outweighs whatever minuscule satisfaction my brain can derive from “but I got the task done!” that it feels like I didn’t accomplish anything and also like I put myself through a shitty awkward experience for (what feels like) nothing. And it’s that, but with like…. every fucking thing that I have to deal with when I get home from work and I’m tired and my meds have worn off. So I just have to keep powering my way through a wall of experiences telling me “you will have all of the suffering and experience none of the reward, OR you could not bother and do something that does make you feel nice instead because wow fuck that” for EVERY GODDAMN LITTLE THING.

you're not stupid

you're not lazy 

you don't have to compare your best to others'

Your brain is made in a certain way and it's not lacking. It's just different. 

body: FUCKING EAT ENOUGH FOOD

8 Ways To Strengthen Executive Functions In Children With Autism

I immediately needed another cup of coffee to process this information. That’s...a lot of archiving. A lot. A whole lot. A whole, whole lot. Maybe I should have added a shot of something to that coffee.

I guess I know what my summer project is! Boy, are my readers on AO3 who don’t follow me here on Tumblr in for a big fucking surprise.

I know that feel guys, when you’re trying to get stuff done and you’re watching the time slip away, and other people just cheerfully tell you to “just make a list!”

Lists do help, yeah, but having a checklist of stuff to do never really helped me, because i’d only manage to do one or two things on the list and then i’d feel useless.

One thing i do find useful though - with all big tasks you need to do, split it up into as small tasks as you can. Then jumble them up into lists with one small task from each thing per list.

I find it helpful to take one of those lists per day, but you can choose the time frame - instead think “which of these things do i find the most fun/interesting/least difficult” and do that thing. (if you’re having trouble starting, don’t picture yourself starting, think of what you’ll have to do after you start, and focus on that. if you find yourself procrastinating, try and think what it is that’s stopping you from doing that task. it may be that you don’t feel prepared yet, it may just be that you need to move on to another task and come back to this one).