Truly one of the more frustrating recurring experiences of trying to navigate life as a grown-ass person with ADHD is that like⦠itās so goddamn hard to keep my brain (which is, yāknow, diagnosably deficient in Reward Self for Accomplishing Task juice) motivated to put forward the effort to take care of chores and errands and shit, because I have so many unpleasant memories of failing at that sort of thing and I feel so little sense of reward (or even relief) when I do get things done that itās this huge effort to not just⦠ignore tasks until they develop into a Bullshit Avalanche that I can no longer ignore? And when I do force myself to Do Something, running into obstacles can make me feel so frustrated and embarrassed that itās almost as if Iām being punished for trying to accomplish the task and it would have been better not to try in the first place
Like today I noticed that Iād worked about an extra hour over the last few days, and instead of doing overtime I was like āok, itās payday and the āget your oil changed, bitchā light has been on for a while, letās clock out at the 40 hour mark and go do that before itās time to pick my wife up from work so I donāt have to try to make that happen this weekendā
Which meant not just the actual task of taking the car to the oil change place, but also sheepishly explaining to the folks there that a) I did not have the financial means to be upsold on anything that was not likely to be a life or death issue before tax refunds come in so please donāt bother unless you are literally afraid for my life if I donāt get the additional service, and b) I actually already know about the headlight thatās out and the old-ass air filter but please donāt replace them, I have the replacements in the car and just keep forgetting to install them myself and only remembering about it when I donāt have time or the engine is too hot for me to go feeling around for where the fucking headlight bulb goes
And to add insult to that injury, they finish up and Iām like, oh. Right.
I lost my debit card like 2-3 weeks ago (yay, absolute garbage perception of time) and KNOW itās on the floor of the car or maybe in my apartment somewhere so I havenāt reported it lost to get a replacement I just need to find it but the carās a huge mess and I keep always being too tired or busy when I think about it. And also itās hard to not be underemployed when I donāt have the spoons to look for a better paying job on top of holding down the job I have, and my wife has similar issues, and the cost of living these days, guys, am I right?? And weāve got a little windfall coming soon that will help us pay off our debts, but crucially. That is still āsoonā and hasnāt happened yet. Anyway so the credit card is apparently maxed out from us having to use it to get around not being paid a living wage the last couple of years :))))))) And the āemergency use only because the bill goes to my parentsā house and I donāt want to abuse the privilege of having parents who can afford to and are willing to help financially when I really need it or to keep being a burden on them, and also they WILL judge me if anything unnecessary is on thereā card in my wallet is expired and the new one is somewhere in the kitchen (or living room?) mess at home so I canāt use that right now either
So I had to explain in front of the other customers that I just straight up forgot that the only functioning card in my wallet was maxed out and like, stand there while she looked at records to confirm I was a regular client whoād never pulled shit like this before and also put a note on my file so they could like, know about it and refuse service in the future if I didnāt make good on my promise to come back and pay once I pick my wife (and their debit card) up from work in an hour and a half
And the embarrassment of all of that so thoroughly outweighs whatever minuscule satisfaction my brain can derive from ābut I got the task done!ā that it feels like I didnāt accomplish anything and also like I put myself through a shitty awkward experience for (what feels like) nothing. And itās that, but with likeā¦. every fucking thing that I have to deal with when I get home from work and Iām tired and my meds have worn off. So I just have to keep powering my way through a wall of experiences telling me āyou will have all of the suffering and experience none of the reward, OR you could not bother and do something that does make you feel nice instead because wow fuck thatā for EVERY GODDAMN LITTLE THING.
Anyway I love my brain for so many things, but goddamn it would be great if the āpositive reinforcement machine brokenā issue impaired me as little as ableists seem to think it should















