Munch:  I've been wanting to do this one since I first watched it because of the absolutely batshit amount of plot holes and fakey science involved. It's got decent production value and the acting isn't great but it's way better than a lot of the movies we've watched. Regardless...this one takes suspension of disbelief and just throws it over the side of the boat like it's the mom in Funny Games. Bonus points if you get that reference.

Biscuits: Riverstone pictures! Have you ever heard of them? No? They made a movie.

M: Whoo...these margaritas might be a BIT strong.

B: Here comes the booooooy......hello boy! There he issss....he is here.....

tHe BoOoOyYy~

M: SO anyway...Keanu Reeves is on the screen doing important sciencey things in his science guy lab and there's some helicopters and they're bringing in a motherfucking android and a dead dude. They're gonna science the hell out of this dead dude, even tho he's been dead for seven hours. How can his cortex be viable? He's been dead for SEVEN HOURS.

B: Well you know...it's only seven hours. His cortex is fine.

M: So they're gonna brain transfer the dead guy's brain stuff into the robot. I put the brain in the robot, okay? What do you want from me.

B: Plankton already did this, we don't need to watch this. Extracting neural data?? So they mapped his brain and now they're gonna...put the brain map in the robot?

M: Through a HUD, that Keanu Reeves is wearing.

B: Some Star Wars hologram shit. Oh he's manipulating a big brain hologram. Very cool. What exactly is going on? They're just spouting a bunch of fake science shit. They 3d printed a brain inside the robot??? This looks like a parody of a sci fi movie. How many quandills do we have!?? We have too many bringbrongs, destabilizing the matrix!

M: This is exactly why we had to watch this. Margot...energize the body. So now it's time for all the stuff they just...manipulated or whatever to go into the robot. He's movin! Keanu is trying to talk to the robot with the dude's brain but it's freaking out a bit because it's in a fucking robot now. Why would they ever think this was cool? The dead guy was not at all warned about this. The robot is fucking destroying itself now because well...that didn't go well.

B: I wrote a long angsty poem about an android who destroyed itself. This reminds me of that. This is progress! They don't understand my massive brain! This is my life's work! I'm so close! We've heard this spiel in literally every movie ever.

M: There's a couple of tropes here! Keanu's boss is mad because he can't make the robot brain thing work well so Keanu goes home to his nuclear family and his very nice house. And now his nerdy coworker is here because he's house sitting.

B: Daddy? Me too, little girl.

He’s a wholesome family man doing top secret evil science

M: And cue the thirst! Actually it already started.

B: Maybe you shouldn't be doing that at all! Maybe the question shouldn't be should we bring back the dead until the science is good enough, but maybe whether or not it's morally wrong to do it AT ALL!!

M: Keanu says - how many times have you had a patient flatline in the hospital and brought them back. That is NOT the same thing, my guy. Putting a dead guy's brain in a robot without his express permission is not like hitting somebody with a defibrillator. 

B: I don't think we're gonna see any new ground covered here with any interesting moral quandaries we haven't heard before. 

M: Just making sure we're on normal speed here. 

B: His wife's acting, wow. I know Keanu's not always given the best performances but wow. Her acting is like syfy and not like science fiction, like the channel. Maybe you should stop doing morally dubious science and spend time with your family.

M: This dialogue is so heavy handed. I'm just dying over them not having ever had this conversation in the entire history of his working for evil science co. They leave their mansion in the care of coworker guy. To go driving in the rain at night.

B: I SURE HOPE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS. I'm really glad we got all this time to get attached to these characters. I had time to really feel the connection before they instantly got killed. You've heard of the woman in the ice box trope? We're putting them all in there! All three kids!

M: Magically...his entire family dies horribly in this tragic car accident except Keanu who is now slowly sinking in his death car full of dead family.

B: If this happened in real life they would've immediately suspected him for killing his entire family. I wanna offer a bit of writing criticism and suggest that if the evil company had a hand in killing his family it would've been more interesting.

M: Keanu takes the time to drag every single member of his dead family out of the car and onto land and lays them out in an artistic pattern before calling 911.

If I wanted to watch Keanu Reeves be sad about his dead wife I’d just go watch John Wick.

B: Maybe he was trying to see if anyone was alive.

M: It doesn't take that long! And now instead he's...oh nevermind...he called his coworker. Not 911. He says NO QUESTIONS. We're gonna do some science shit on my family's corpses.

B: This would be a lot better if it was just Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. A wonderful novel about the moral dilemma of creating life from death.

M: You could've just...called the paramedics or something. Instead of just going yeah okay I'll help you do fakey science on your dead family. Have you even considered the legal implications of this decision? Leave him there, coworker guy. Leave the sad man in the rain with his dead family.    

B: I like how the neural mapping device is just a headband.

M: We just won't make a mistake, Keanu says. Okay.... but we're missing some major plot points here because now they suddenly have an entire cloning facility at Evil Corp, which is super handy for the plot and now instead of just putting the brains into a robot, they're gonna clone his family and put the brains in there.

B: Okay but like...cloning...okay....they're just gonna clone his wife and she's gonna come out as an adult human...? Wait, let me not tell you, movie, how science does or does not work! This is some super big brain Elon Musk technology that we haven't figured out.

M: And now we gotta get rid of the real bodies because that's fine. Coworker guy will take care of everything. We haven't been given like ANY heads up on ANYTHING in this movie. It's just suddenly everything is here RIGHT NOW. Hey they do crazy science, hey family is dead, hey cloning lab. 

B: BARRELS OF AMINO ACIDS???!? WHAT?!? This motherfucker did NOT just come in here and say he's got an entire keg of genetic material?! A bunch of primordial ooze?! They're throwing so much shit at you at MACH SPEED. 

M: Keanu needs four pods for cloning his family and they only got three pods valued at 1 milllion dollars a pop which they stole from Evil Corp. Nobody will notice.

B: I don't know what the company's name is. I don't even know what the protagonists name is! And coworker guy just...took all this shit. We had entire barrels of human goo!

I am...looking respectfully 👀

M: Now Keanu has to decide which of his family he's gonna clone and who gets left behind. He does this the only rational way by putting their names in a bowl. And tells coworker guy to pick one. Coworker is once again reluctant but he also fucking keeps going along with all this shit and he's in too damn deep now.

B: Just make the kids. Or just clone your wife and make more kids!

M: The clones are of course, gonna mature at an absolutely irresponsible rate. And they're just doing this at Keanu's house. It's fine. 

B: So they don't need a host...that's what the pods are for? Not any more unreasonable than any other bullshit in this movie. I'd love an entire keg of Keanu Reeves’ genetic material. 

M: Gross. Now they're doing fakey math to try and speed up this process before anyone notices that Keanu's entire family is dead. How the fuck is he gonna explain why one of his kids isn't there??!? They're gonna do this in SEVENTEEN DAYS. Yeah what about your other kid, Keanu. 

B: I feel like it would be less complicated to just try and revive their dead corpses than create clones and put their brains in the clones. 

M: He's gonna make clone family forget that Zoey existed. Okay great but what about literally every other person who knew her?? 

B: This guy seems like an asshole.

M: Like you've never tried to clone your dead family in your basement. 

B: This isn't no way home where he's doing Dr. Strange magic! He just like googled Zoe and he's destroying all their memories of her!? OKAY. It keeps escalating. I can suspend my disbelief for a lot of things but you can't just type in ZOE and erase all their memories. I'm starting to think the people who made this movie aren't scientists. 

We’re not even kidding.

M: It gets worse. It gets so much worse. Keanu is getting mad but it's a normal stage of grief that he is not at all dealing with. Now the police are here. Someone stole the car batteries out of every car on the block and you wouldn't happen to know who that was, EH? Why they fuck would they need car batteries?? Car batteries don't have that much juice, they run with an alternator that keeps them charged...

B: Coworker guy has to come in now and explain why Keanu isn't there even tho they fired him but they gotta get him back to work I guess. Fuck dude, can't you just show your tits or something. I don't mean that in a sexist way.

M: Just a horny way. I'm also in denial that all this Evil Corp stuff only cost 8 million dollars. Now Keanu has to get back to work so coworker dude has to come watch the pods. Why do they need to be watched? 

B: In case something goes wrong. 

M: We still haven't explained the Zoey thing. Keanu is back at work now tho and nobody has noticed the huge amount of missing stuff. Keanu is now sad about the kid he didn't clone but it's fine. We'll just clone her afterwards. After the other ones are done brewing or whatever. 

B: Yeah Matt's been out of school and you couldn't get his wife on the phone because they're DEAD IN THE BASEMENT. This guy is suffering from a serious lack of consequences. 

M: Suddenly Keanu realizes that he can't explain ANY of this because coworker guy lied about his kid staying with his dead grandparents. Keanu has called literally nobody to offer a cover story about his dead family. What could possibly go wrong? At this point in the movie, I was waiting for some horrible clone catastrophe to occur. That would've been cool. It doesn't happen. 

B: The clones are zombies or all mutated or something and try to kill him. But this isn't a horror movie. Dude! Dude. My man is trying now to cover his ass by texting everyone and making up lies about his family. They're gonna shut a lot of shit down when they find out what Keanu's been doing. 

Co-worker guy is way too gung-ho about all of this

M: And what IS Keanu doing? He's running a simulation of brain imprinting and it keeps failing and he really should have thought about this ahead of time. He checks in on his clone family who are now all moving around and squiggly and shit but it's fine. 

B: Our leading man is kinda unabashedly evil at this point. We're not conflicted about whether or not we're rooting for him. We're not. 

M: I think we're supposed to be though. And the thing is we're not even halfway through so we got a whole other plot to get through. And so we can't leave the family in the tanks because even if he doesn't get the brain imprint thing going they're gonna age like crazy because that's how this works. Keanu is gonna sedate them into a coma once they're born so he can get the brain thing going I guess. This seems like a good idea.

B: We're way past questions of ethics at this point, coworker guy. White dad frankenstein guy does not give a shit.

M: Hello clone wife! Welcome to the world! Have a coma!

B: IT'S A GIRL!

M: So I guess they're all born and shit now and he's got 3 days to get their brains sorted so it's fine. We've only seen the wife so far tho. Keanu reviews his past failures and touches clone family softly in their comas. Keeps lying to everyone. Gets sad about Zoe. Suddenly everything is going very slow. Can we have the major brain breakthrough already.

B: They didn't even establish this guy as being that smart. They just established that he works for an evil corporation. I guess he's a super genius or whatever. A movie about a bad man who does stupid things but it's still very boring.

M: Keanu figures out that if he touches his wife her brain wakes up. So this is the big breakthrough. The soul or whatever is hosted in the body, not the brain. So what the fuck is the point of all the BRAIN SCIENCE then?!

Insert ‘neuron activated’ meme here

B: NOBODY THOUGHT ABOUT THIS?! None of these big brain super genius scientists realized that putting a brain in a synthetic body would make it freak out?? Dude, Ed (coworker) is a ride or die motherfucker.

M: He's also the only person in this movie with ANY common sense.

B: I can't get over this hologram interface he's using. It's like Iron Man but it's just Bad Man. He just did bad shit but he was still hunky. He's not even like a good villain you can root for, he's just kind of a bastard.

M: I'm wondering why nobody has figured out what they're doing, or why he still has a job at all. I also don;t get why we had this massive body/brain breakthrough and then still did the brain imprint and now it's fine. Keanu sedates her again because as he says while she's still awake, he can't have her notice that anything is weird. Like that one of her kids is missing but she won't notice because he deleted those specific memories and it's okay.

B: HOW ARE WE ONLY HALFWAY?!! WHAT ELSE HAPPENS!

M: An unbelievable amount of chase scenes.

B: Is this an action movie?

M: The second half is. So now the entire family is waking up and he's erasing all memories of Zoey and shit and he's sad but we don't care because he's an asshole.

B: Sleeping in bed next to your baby brain comatose clone wife is creepy. Oh no, she woke up! MY WIFE!

M: And everything is fine. They're all perfectly normal. Which is honestly weird. I was expecting something super weird.

B: None of them are slobbering zombies or anything, they have all their memories. They're all just completely fine and normal.

M: Oh no, clone wife is having some pains in her chest or gallbladder or something.

B: How is the milk expired but all your other food is fine? And now a donor guy is showing up and they still want him to come in even though he hasn't shown up to work in what...three weeks!? You are extra fired! He doesn't feel like his family are eerie hollow simulacras of their former selves?

M: He doesn't think ahead. We've established THAT much.

B: His boss is like oh hey you're back from your fucking pneumonia or whatever for a month. Ed is right, he's always right. Someone is gonna notice all this shit.

M: Where are these soldiers coming from?? Is there a war going on??

B: They're in some non descript south american country so...maybe. 

M: Keanu is gonna inject something in the Evil Corp bathroom and put it directly into his brain. This seems totally legit. His boss comes in and he's like well you keep fucking things up but it's fine. Continue to work for us. And Keanu has just injected some nonsense into his eyeball and into the brain and he'll be fine.

An average afternoon in the men’s room.

B: ......what....

M: Meanwhile back at Casa De Clone, none of his family have noticed anything is amiss either. Ed sees Keanu bleeding from his eye and goes oh my god did you do the brain thing on yourself and he's like yeah it's fine. He's gonna put HIS brain in the robot. It's totally fine. 

B: Dude....uh...(groans) But WHY....

M: So he can keep his job. 

B: In the context inside the movie, okay yeah but in the context of this BEING a movie, why is this the plot? Why is it THIS? I just don't understand at all. I'm sorry. They couldn't just go with the whole dead family plot they've been doing? Oh that makes the movie too short so we gotta make a whole other plot because we couldn't possibly have put some exposition in there. 

M: Keanu now magically has figured out the whole brain/robot thing because he's a super genius but clone family appear to be having some problems. And remembering things that they should not possibly be able to remember as they are CLONES and not real people. 

B: He did take the neural scan after they were dead. Maybe he forgot to cut that part out. 

M: But then why wouldn't they just...remember it and not just be having nightmares or whatever. Oh he’s gonna do it NOW. Just sedate them and scramble their brains again a little bit while they're sleeping. 

B: You fucking.....I'm sorry....

M: Clone Wife shows up while he's scrambling his teen daughter's brain and is amazingly calm about the whole situation.

B: He's just gonna explain all of this to her right now!??! Guilty conscience?! This SHOULD be the climax of the movie! His family figures out they're clone and he has to kill them again. Sometimes dead is better.

M: Nope. CloneWife is taking this all shockingly well. It's okay Keanu, I forgive you for letting us die and cloning us and scrambling our brains and doing dangerous illegal science that so far has had no real consequences.

Hey sorry I cloned you. Anyways wanna have sex?

B: I want a divorce. Single female clone with two clone children seeks roomate. Enjoys long walks on the beach. Hates fake Christmas Trees. 

M: That would at least be interesting. The CloneKids are having some issues with remembering Zoe and he's like well there might be some things happening with the thing that happened. 

B: MY GUY. His boss is here. Is that apple pie I smell? Or a CORPSE like my daddy. Keanu, did you clone your entire family? Did you happen to steal 8 millions dollars worth of science machines? 

M: Oh he knows everything. He wants Keanu's family because they're technically Evil Corp property. 

B: I know you took all of our stuff, you didn't do much to cover your tracks. We're gonna have to euthanize your family. His evil corporate overlords were lying to him! WOW.

M: We're not a biomedical corporation???

B: You should've fucking known! These guys are doing really dubious science?! OH MY GOD. 

M: I'll get the stuff, Keanu says.

B: No, your family SHOULD die, my guy! This is the comeuppance part of this story! I feel like literally every time this man is presented with a dilemma he makes the wrong decision. 

M: And now for the action part of the movie. Keanu sedates his boss and kicks his ass and now he's gotta get his CloneFamily out of dodge. But first he's gotta microwave the algorithm. 

B: This movie is both balls out insane and somehow really boring. 

M: CloneWife's eternal underacting is killing me. She does not have an appropriate response to anything. She's just like yeah okay. 

B: Nobody except Ed has reacted correctly to anything in this movie. THE ALL NEW 2018 CHEVROLET CUNTSNATCHER. So many car promos. PERFECT FOR RUNNING OVER YOUR ENEMIES. His boss woke up really fast from an injection that put Keanu's family into a coma. Some good job you did of microwaving that data, dude.

Perfect for late-night drives with your clone family.

M: And now for a vigorous chase scene. 

B: OKAY OKAY, PAUSE. LET'S TAKE A FUCKING MOMENT. Okay. Evil Corp puts tracker markers in their experimental animals. But they didn't make these animals, Keanu, YOU DID. When...exactly, did they put tracking chips in your clone family??? And if this happened automatically in the cloning process....then wouldn't you have KNOWN? Shouldn't you have thought about that? That they would KNOW that you cloned them because their tracking markers were in them?? And you DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THIS?? You fucking figured out how to cut memories out of your family's brains and you couldn't figure out how to take A TRACKING MARKER OUT?!? Okay Mr. BigBrain Big Muscle Super Genius. I need a minute. I feel like the screenwriter was making this shit up as he went along. 

M: Come on we only got half an hour left!

B: Are you FUCKING kidding me?!? Keanu Reeves is gonna have to take a lot more clothes off to redeem this movie. 

M: You're gonna be really disappointed. The tracking chips are attached to their spines or whatever so they're gonna go to the clinic to just...remove them. It's fine. Keanu literally just said they can't be removed but his CloneWife was a nurse so she's gonna fry them with a defibrillator. And this somehow works. 

B: Okay compared to the other bullshit that’s fucking plausible. Whatever. Okay. 

M: So now they're on the road again but without the tracking chips so now they can't find them or whatever. They're gonna go get on a boat. 

B: They're taking Ed's boat I guess. A real homie will help you clone your family and let you steal his boat. Ed took a bullet for him. 

M: And does he care about all the consequences for Ed? NO. He doesn't care about the consequences for anyone. 

B: Man who can figure out how to remove memories can't figure out a boat. 

M: But the bad guys are here somehow and they have Keanu's family of clones so now he's gotta go confront BossDude back at Evil Corp where Ed is pacing the floor and he's sold Keanu down the river! But to be fair...he had it coming. I would've done it ages ago. 

B: I guess this corporation is more evil than him but...like...

M: Keanu tells him he'll give him the algorithm but only if they let CloneFamily go. But he shoots Ed instead, what the hell did Ed do? 

B: He's evil big boss man he doesn't care about anybody so he had to shoot him. 

M: You don't love her, she's not even your wife! You wouldn't have done any of this if you actually gave a damn. And now Keanu has the Iron Man headband on and he's doing more brain science but he's not doing what evil boss thinks he's doing!

B: Of course, he's one step ahead of everybody. Like he totally has been the whole movie. Keanu has one moment of forethought in his entire life. 

M: He puts his supermassive big brain in the robot at Evil Corp and now it's gonna go kick some ass for him. He gives Boss the big important information but now ROBOT TIME. Robot Keanu comes in and starts just kicking ass everywhere and killing all the bad dudes so Keanu and his CloneFamily can escape.

B: The robot effects are straight out of a Harryhausen movie. 

M: Keanu gets everyone in the car but then he's like...no...I gotta go back.

B: The robot clone just obeys him?? He's just like, I can't have my robot self exist. 

M: He gotta talk to the robot. Stop him from killing evil boss even though he totally deserves to die. He's like, we can still work this out, evil boss. Just give me your brain. 

B: This man is a supervillian at this point! 

M: Robot Keanu is gonna do the evil guy brain transfer and stick around and run evil corp I guess. They could also steal Ed's brain too. 

B: Tell me this is not how the movie ends, right?

M: It is. 

B: (unholy screeching) This is just bad man does a ton of bad things and has absolutely no consequences for it!! He didn't even have to question his own moral choices!?

M: And look, they cloned Zoe. 

B: No, his wife shoots him and all his kids and that's how the movie ends. 

M: That would've been more interesting. Instead Keanu literally just becomes a rich evil dude who sells cloned bodies for a living and gets really rich. 

B: You don't have to describe anything, it's pointless. NO. 

M: SO......anyway. It's a bad movie. I'm not sure I have anything to add at this point. None of this makes sense. Whatever character arc they were going for failed miserably. The plot is so full of holes it makes The Core look like a well thought out movie. 

B: Okay...for fucking real?? I mean maybe they were trying to play it that he 'turned into the villain' at the very end but the problem was he was the villain from the very start! Maybe they were trying to fuckin' 'subvert expectations' or whatever but subverting expectations doesn't automatically make something good!!! I wish fucking hack fraud filmmakers would get that through their fucking three-foot-thick neanderthal craniums! This is fucking nonsense! It has no establishing action and just follows the story of a man doing literally the wrong thing at every passing moment and he never even has to confront the immorality of his actions. And yeah, you can root for the villain in a story, but there has to be some *reason* to root for them! They have to be interesting! Or charismatic! Also, the writing is terrible, the acting is terrible, and the pacing is utter nonsense! What is it with these bad movies and having no concept of pacing??

M: I don't know. I can't believe most of these ever pass the pitch meeting. Munch and Biscuits out, yo.