#etchvent

No, because you're not the one who was there when I was dealing my ED.

No, because you're not the one was there when I was praying to a God I didn't believe in to "please fix my family. Make us happy so then they would love me" or when it changed to "why?"

No, because you're not the one who was there when I was staying up night after night, crying my eyes out until I completely shut down and went numb.

No, because you're not the one who was there when I had to suppressed parts of me to be better liked

No, because you're not the one who was there when multiple times I could have ended it all and almost did.

No, because you're not the one who was there to help me mourn.

No, because you're not the one who was there when everything fell apart.

No, because you're not the one who was ever there for me.

I was. Me.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

Example: someone gets mad at you or you said something that hurts someone else's feelings. You don't care but somewhere within yourself you feel that someone does, that they're upset by the turn of events.

This also happens with the body. I will recognize the signs of anxiety and feel anxious but I'm not at all anxious and it doesn't feel like my anxiety.

As an autistic person, I no longer know how to take things at face value because no one tells you shit and I can't trust anything. I don't know when things go wrong and can't even trust when things feel right because people don't tell you when they don't like you, when you do something wrong, when you were rude or mean, the problems they have with you. They don't tell you that they don't want to be around you or that they hang out with you out of guilt, convince, pity, etc.

Too many times did I think that we were friends and that maybe I mattered to them when in reality, they couldn't care less or there were other people who held more importance over me. Too many times did I try my best to do everything right, to be exactly what they wanted at the expense of myself only to be thrown away without word or reason. Even when people do fulfill those roles, seeming so genuine, even going as far as to do kind things for me, to spare me some gentle words, even telling me how they supposedly think, I can't trust it. People always find ways to be cruel despite some goodness they display, to leave when they promise they won't.

How am I supposed to trust when everything seems like a lie? When people aren't always honest and open, keeping their intentions hidden at all times? Even seeing others be betrayed by the ones they trusted, the one they thought they knew; I don't know how to believe anyone.

I realize that the reason I struggle to connect to myself and to regain who I was in terms of healing, is because I still feel like "who I was" is still within the body as their own person but it's not who I am so I can't be them. Even trying to get back into the hobbies they did before, it feels invasive like I'm intruding on smth they liked, what they did. And while the body might hold the memory to pull off the hobby, I feel nothing for it because it's not my thing.