Star Wars: Episode II â Attack of the Clones (2002)
As I began marathoning the Star Wars films in production order, countless friends told me Episode II - Attack of the Clones was the worst of the prequels. Really? I remember enjoying it with the big armies, grown-ups actors (goodbye Jake Lloyd!), no Jar-Jar Binks, and addition of Christopher Lee as the villain. Having seen it again, I'll call it a better Star Wars movie than Episode I but purely as a movie, it's rough. Tin-eared dialogue, countless moments of âsequel-itusâ, and a romantic subplot so poorly handled it comes off as genuinely creepy often make it hilariously bad.
Ten years after The Phantom Menace, Annakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) is nearing the end of his training under Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). When the Jedi are assigned to protect Senator Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman) she and Skywalker fall in love - a forbidden infatuation. Meanwhile, an assassination attempt on Amidala reveals the secret construction of a clone army and an impending attack by a Separatist movement seeking to topple the Galactic Republic.
Nothing can prepare you for the abhorrent performances but don't blame Hayden Christiansen, or Natalie Portman. Their dialogue sounds like the romantic letters I wrote when I was in high school. Everything's melodramatic, forced, and artificial-sounding. The blame must be forwarded to writers George Lucas and Jonathan Hales.
Assuming you overlook the dialogue and miss Christensen's creepy glares, youâll still have to contend with the film's obsession with references. Why are C-3P0 (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) in this film? Their origins were unnecessarily told in the last movie, and now they just HAPPEN to participate in what turns out to be one of the most important events in the universe? And then, they'll go on to help destroy the Death Star? It makes this galaxy feel like a neighborhood. You could forgive their inclusion if it wasnât for an origin story to Boba Fett thrown in as well. I get that he's a cool-looking character and a fan favorite but in-universe, heâs just some random mercenary. He isn't important. Except now he is 'cause we get to meet him as a kid. Does this give you more insight into his character? No, so what's the point?
Attack of the Clones has plenty of scenes that evoke the movie serials that inspired Star Wars. There's an immense gladiator coliseum complete with weird monsters, dizzying chases, exotic locations, and cliffhanger scenarios with multiple plotlines and our heroes being taken prisoner or awaiting their doomed fate. On paper, the movie sounds like it should work. It's the sloppy execution that's at fault.
Despite the mountain of problems I still kind of like this movie both ironically and earnestly. As a movie thatâs so bad itâs good, this is great. The wooden, stilted performances make the bad dialogue more memorable and quotable. There are some cool moments throughout like an insane assembly line gauntlet no one should be able to traverse⊠unless they are as lucky as our heroes. Itâs a mix of visual razzle-dazzle and coincidences so ludicrous youâll be howling. Itâs a fun movie to discuss because of the strange decisions made throughout and most importantly, itâs never boring. The monster and character designs are great, the action scenes keep getting bigger. There's also something comforting about seeing the series moving towards much better material. This is a much worse film than The Phantom Menace but as a Star Wars movie, Iâll take this sequel over its predecessor.
As The Clones Wars began, I wondered how I could have ever thought this was a good film. The dialogue kept getting worse, the plot holes kept getting wider until I reached serenity and enjoyed it. Not as it was intended but that's fine. If you ever get a craving for Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones, get some of your friends together. Set aside ample amounts of time. Youâre going to need at least a half-hour to discuss what you just saw, and then, to cleanse your pallet (and restore some faith into the franchise) youâll need another 2 hours to view the follow-up micro-series: Genndy Tartakovskyâs Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Itâs the only way to do it. (On DVD, December 4, 2015)
