#ep 21

Wei Wei loves rubbing his face against his boyfriend's

they're both actively trying to revive their love story, but on grounds that completely shifted underneath them

when they chose to go to ganlin town together, they were tied together as a unit for survival both conceptually and materially. her work in the village helped him make connections and win social approval; he had to save her life again and again from jealous women and leering men. though zhao ling struggled the entire time with feeling inferior class-wise, he also knew that he was bringing in his military pay, helping her (like with advice for how to get along with the military wives), and protecting her. there's emotional security in all of that. and likewise fu tingyun knew that she was taking care of him, feeding him, making clothes for him, helping him win connections. in the five intervening years, each has built their own support network and can truly survive without the other, having done so for the past five years. the big picture has changed drastically. her many enemies who were truly out to get her are gone, and she's financially secure with shops to bring her money. he's in a risky political position, but he's still a fourth-ranked official backed by the emperor with crazy amounts of military merit from the war and his own military network in the northwest. (and i want to point out: if they actually split, his political problems with the yus might evaporate)

so neither of them needs the other person now, except emotionally, where they each know inside that they need the other a lot -- both the actual person and the idea of the other person that they've built their dreams and identity around

they have to renegotiate their relationship anew, this time on totally different grounds. what material things tie you to me, and what do i bring to the table? the answers are no longer obvious. he has class and power and gender and status and subordinates to handle his daily needs, so what is she giving him? (what made her able to confess directly at ganlin town but unable to explain directly what's angering her in this episode? if she truly were afraid he had no feelings for her, would she be ready to pretend to move away?) and she can survive just fine without him, so what is he bringing her, really? zhao ling thinks a lot about protecting those he loves and how it's necessary (his trauma!), but he hasn't actually felt that she's in danger from being away from him for a long time

when they were poor, a gift of the last candies or ham at dinner meant a lot. now it's not a big deal. zhao ling seems to kinda realize this with the chestnut cakes, and then he decides to do a huge romantic act -- to try to reconcile her with her family so she can be with her mother openly. she has a need - he thinks he can fill it for her. see what i can give you? please love me

zhao ling and fu tingyun can't go back to their simpler times, when developing affection on top of their entwined logistical and material concerns was straightforward. this time they have to figure their love out without the crutches, without the desperation of having freshly experienced near-death together repeatedly, without the shared material needs of fighting for food and shelter and basic respect

last time they were always fighting for their lives, but they were tied together, a cheat for falling in love. this time, they're secure from day-to-day, but they're separated by the complete power imbalance between them, the people they -- especially he -- became in the meantime, and the stiff social roles they're finding themselves inhabiting in the capital