i was so fond of you

this confession contains of 89% love, 10% stupidity, and 1% sin. which of being said i will write many, and really many things that i probably couldn’t say it to you properly.

to remind you, meeting you was the best thing that ever happened in my life. i could feel something i thought i couldn’t. i could meet someone i thought i couldn’t. i could be someone i thought i couldn’t. if i haven’t told you that you’re a dream comes true, i’d like to remind the world and you a thousand more times that you are one. you were one. you truly were the one. i couldn’t get enough of you.

someone like you supposed to stay in my dreams. you weren’t supposed to talk to me, to make me laugh, to make me fall. you weren’t supposed to be true. you were too good to be true, and i wish you didn’t exist. i wish i didn’t find you. i wish we have never met so that i wouldn’t break this bad and fall too hard.

but we did, and i couldn’t turn back time. 

why did you want to be with me? i asked you one time, and you replied that you were lonely. aren’t people supposed to be with someone because they’re lonely? aren’t you lonely too? you made me realise that i was too. but that wasn’t the reason why i wanted to be with you. i’ve been lonely my whole life. i wanted so because i loved you, only you didn’t. i repeatedly pondered about your true feelings for me and in words, it was in words you affirmed to me the truth. i never loved words as much as i do when you expressed them to me. only for me.

i should’ve known i was difficult to love. you acted so subtle. you tried and succeeded. somehow you made me feel loved. you made me feel like i was worth something. you made me feel everything. i wish everything that i did made you feel how you made me feel. it wasn’t as special, but i hope it was enough to make me stay in your mind.

the time that we had together was evidently temporary, but to cherish every second of it was my purpose. i wanted to make the most of it until everything shattered. 

i told you one time that i didn’t need much, until i wanted more. i was getting too attached and your days of absence were too tough to bear alone. i wanted more of you, but at the same time, i didn’t know much of you. if there was a chance to get to know each other deeply, i would ask you more than what your favorite movies and music were. you were a mystery i couldn’t solve. mysteries weren’t my thing until you became one.

time passed by and with you, i realised i can’t always have my deepest desire, something i really long for. something i’m fond of: you.

i was so fond of you, until i realised i was never really yours. we were only a speck of hope.

we were then as one.

we only loved the idea of each other’s and that was what break us up. we hung on to that, hoping something would bloom again upon us - but we were wrong. we didn't try; that’s what tore us apart. giving up doesn’t suit us, but it ends up you say that’s what the best for us. maybe it really was, though my heart was far from okay.

time passed by and you still lingered in my mind. i knew that i shouldn’t, but i did anyway. i thought i hated you by the way you used to treat me, but i couldn’t lie that the love was far too strong than anything i felt toward you at the time. i wondered if that was the same for you too.

no - impossible. 

too impossible as i stumbled upon someone who regretted something about a former lover. i thought it was you. i reckoned it was you. everything about us came to mind in a flash. it all made sense that you would regret everything that happened between us. it was ugly, sure - we had many ups and downs, but i have to be honest that it meant something to me. i was unaware that it had a different meaning for you - if everything i read was true. with every possibility that lay upon, i still hope that was merely a misunderstanding - i hope it wasn’t true because i don’t want to see what you told me as utter nonsense. you told me you wouldn’t regret anything that we’ve done. i hope what you said to me was the sole truth. i hope you remember about us like i always do.

at the end of the day, we’re done, and that’s all that matters.