#encourager

When we started going out, I was like 280 or something. I thought I was fucking huge. You remember? And you’d take me out to dinner. Come by after work with dessert, or wake me up with breakfast in bed. My friends all warned me. Showed me pictures of me before and after I met you. Six months of dating you made me 80lbs fatter. And now… fuck, they were so right… it’s been barely two years, and look at me now! I can’t believe what you’ve done to me. Did you know this whole time I was going to be a fucking blob? I used to be scared I would end up like this, but even when you’re not around, I can’t stop eating. 

I stuff myself before bed, but I’m down in the kitchen in the middle of the night… I feel my rolls of fat jiggling with every step down the stairs, and it just gets me even hungrier. I’m ploughing through whatever I didn’t finish at dinner, and I hear you on the stairs. I see you looking at me. Looking at what you’ve turned me into. Does it make you proud? I see you smiling at me, stuffing my face even though I’m so full I’m in pain and can barely breathe. I know it gets you hot. Please, I’m begging you… Please, I can’t stop eating. You gotta promise. You know how much this scares me, but you gotta push me. I can’t stop eating. I need to be fatter. I need to be heavier. I need to push myself every day. And you need to push the food into me if I say I’m full. I can’t stop eating. I gotta eat all the grease. Drink all the sugar. Just like you said, as much as I can. Every day. 

I can’t stop eating. It’s not enough. I need to drop more muscle too, I know. Get weaker. I need to really tank my stamina. I’ve seen you watch me struggle to get up the stairs. Do you know how that makes me feel? I feel like crap that I can still do that. I hate disappointing you. I promise, that’s gonna stop. I need to be way too fat to do shit like that. And I want people to know it when they look at me too. They should hear me huffing and puffing… see me sweating and out of breath just standing there talking to them. That’s who they need to see… But I’m too small now. Too strong. That’s why you gotta keep pushing me. Please. I can’t stop eating.