#enchive

Park Sunghoon hasn’t been himself ever since you died in winter.

Not that there’s much left of him to be.

Most of him perished when you did, and the other part that remained became a lifeless body trying to pass the time day by day. The color disappeared from his life once you did, and now all that’s left of him are bleak, monochromatic snapshots of his grief weaving into his everyday routine. Time became indistinguishable without you. Two years of his life were structured around your dates, your classes, and spending time with you. But now, his life became a repetitive cycle of waking up, going to class, and going home, where he rotted with your visage behind his closed eyes as he lied in bed until the next day broke.

Winter left, and Spring came, yet Sunghoon still felt like he was stuck in the cold season. 

In your shared apartment, your things were still there as if you never left. Your puffer jacket was still hanging on the coat rack, unwashed and chilly to the touch. Your toothbrush was still right next to his in the bathroom, the bristles bone-dry from the lack of use. There was an empty space on the full-sized bed, a perfect fit for where your body was supposed to lay right next to him. If Sunghoon closed his eyes and breathed in hard enough, he could still smell the remnants of your lingering, sweet shampoo clinging to the fibers of your pillowcase. 

His friends tried hard to help him move out of his cycle of grief. Sunghoon loved them for it, but he couldn’t help but remain where it was safe, in the little domain where your presence was missing, but your life was still there. Where your pictures hung on the walls, your bright smile lighting up the darkness of each room. Where your lucky pendant mocked him as it hung off the backpack you left on the stool of the kitchen island. Where you still were alive, even if you weren’t physically there.

Jake came in first after you died, letting Sunghoon have his peace for two weeks. Jake was the type to worry so much that it was overwhelming. For the past two weeks, he had blown up Sunghoon’s phone everyday, not letting him have a moment to himself on the device. (Sunghoon was grateful, honestly. Because he had spent the past two weeks looping every video of you until he could memorize the timestamps of every action you took.)

Jake checked on Sunghoon by knocking on his door and bringing him food. “Sunghoon, I brought pyeonyuk from your favorite place…” He gently breached the silence with a careful lilt to his voice, afraid that Sunghoon would snap if Jake said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sunghoon begrudgingly got out of bed, clutching his phone tightly in his hand, and met Jake in the living room, his hair flying on his head and body dragging across the floorboards.

“I’m not hungry…” Sunghoon muttered in response, the same answer as the day before and the day before that.

“You should eat something, Hoon…” Jake frowned, setting the food on the dining table anyway and opening the takeout bag. Sunghoon didn’t respond. He knew Jake was right, but didn’t have the energy to say anything back. “She wouldn’t want you like this–”

“Don’t talk about her like you know what she wants,” Sunghoon snapped, his voice coming out sharper than he intended. The words stayed in the air, with regret settling into Sunghoon’s guilt-adled mind. But Sunghoon didn’t take them back, he couldn’t.

Jake was your friend before Sunghoon even knew you, so he knew that Jake was still mourning. Sunghoon knew it was wrong for him to say that, but he couldn’t help himself. Jake didn’t know you like he did. He didn’t know the soft murmurs of your sleep and the look of affection in your eyes.

Sometimes, he was angry at Jake for being able to smile after you passed. Other times, he was envious that he could move on so easily and continue living as if you were never there. But in the privacy of your apartment, Jake’s sniffles would merge with Sunghoon’s as they recounted the sides of you only they knew.

Jay came in after to help organize your apartment, more persistent than Jake. “You can’t keep staying like this, Hoon. You’re gonna get bugs, or something…” He murmured, bending over to pick up stray debris on the wooden floors. When your death was still fresh, and your messes were still around, Sunghoon loathed Jay’s help. How dare Jay come in and taint the memories of your existence by cleaning up what you had left behind?

“Jay, stop…” Sunghoon murmured as he helplessly watched his friend reach for the zip-up jacket that you had left on the couch, the cotton material still holding onto your perfume.

“It’s just a jacket, Hoon. It’s gonna smell if you leave it here–”

“I said stop! Just– just fuckin’ leave it where it is, Jay!” Sunghoon’s voice cracked as the volume rose. He stood up without realizing, in Jay’s space, and gripping onto your jacket like it was a lifeline. Jay startled, the jacket slipping from his hands and into Sunghoon’s protective grasp.

“Why does it matter?” Jay had shot back, frustration finally slipping through. “She’s not coming back to wear it, Sunghoon.”

Sunghoon’s heart steeled, and he could only whisper back to Jay as tears slipped down his cheeks.

“Get out.”

Sunghoon was still embarrassed about the amount of screaming and sobbing he did to Jay, but he’s sure that they’re fine now. Apologies flew between them, but Sunghoon had already let go of the anger in his chest. After all, it was only swallowed up by the grief he was feeling for you.

When both of his friends noticed it wasn’t helping, they would take him out on the town, shoving milkshakes in his hand and laughing louder than they usually would. They talked about everything and nothing all at once, carefully avoiding your name as if he would break upon hearing it in public. After a while, Sunghoon didn’t want his friends to feel like their efforts were in vain. So he learned to force a smile, puffing up his cheeks and curling up his lips as Jake made a stupid joke to Jay like he always did. (When Jake and Jay looked triumphant about their victory, turning away to silently celebrate, Sunghoon would let his smile falter.)

The night was like the others. Jake and Jay took him to this diner far out of the way, with an American retro vibe. Red and white stripes lined the walls, and the tiles gleamed in the bright overhead lighting. There were only a few patrons in the restaurant, as it was late. The smell of meat cooking on the grill wafted through the air, permeating the atmosphere with smoke and seasoning. The three men were munching on burgers, updating each other about their courses for the next semester. But mostly, it was just Jake and Jay speaking to Sunghoon. The youngest of the three remained silent for most of the meal, only responding when he felt like he really had to.

But the sight of the cheeseburgers and fries on his platter only made him think of you even more. Even if he knew his friends were trying to distract him from you, he could only be reminded of the countless dates you had at the burger joint next to campus. Reminded of the way you used to get ketchup on the corner of your lips, and how he would wipe it off with his thumb. He used to complain about how you always ate so messily, but he couldn’t help the wide smile from growing on his lips. Can’t you come back? He’d never complain again…

“Guys, it’s getting late. I think we should go now…” Sunghoon spoke up after a while. Truth be told, he was spacing out for most of the time and just wanted to bury himself under the covers. Jake looked at him and smiled, not wanting to push anything.

“Sure, man, we can go back now.” He stood up, dusting off the crumbs from his thighs. He looked at Jay, who simply nodded and stood up to let Sunghoon out of the dining booth they were sitting in. Jay drove them back home, not forgetting to tell Sunghoon to text him in the morning. Sunghoon only nodded in response before going back up to your apartment.

When he opened the door, the silence greeted him as always. Not your cheery voice yelling his name or your padding footsteps eagerly running towards him. There was only a suffocating absence waiting for him. The wooden door clicked shut behind him, and with that sound, his composed act dropped.

Sunghoon’s shoulders slumped. He tried. He really tried. But when his breath hitched, his emotions began to unravel uncontrollably, unfurling like a roll of ribbon. His keys slipped from his fingers, clattering against the floor. His vision blurred as quickly as he blinked, tears filling up his eyes, and his throat closing up as a sob threatened to rise from his chest.

“Fuck–” His word broke apart as soon as he let it out. He collapsed to the ground, his body not strong enough to carry him and the weight of his emotions anymore. He felt ugly– so ugly. His figure practically folded into itself as his knees hit the ground, his chest pressed against his thighs and his arms awkwardly crossed. He uncurled his body, crawling like a baby as he thought to the only thing he wanted.

You.

But you weren’t here. So his hands desperately sought out the closest thing he could get. Your jacket, the one that he still hadn’t moved even though Jay tried to many, many times. He bunched up the fabric in his fingers, the cloth wrinkling under the force of his tight grip. He buried his nose into the fabric, inhaling the sweet smell of your perfume– from the bottle that was still at your vanity, macerating as it went unused. A choked sound tears from his throat as he inhaled sharply, like maybe if he breathed your scent in deep enough, he could fill the hollow space you left behind.

“Please…” His voice was barely there now, worn thin from crying. “Just—just come back.” He squeezed his eyes shut, and the memories came flooding in. Your bright laugh that lifted any weight off his shoulders, your warm eyes always seeking to stare into his, and your heavy hand that slipped effortlessly to slot into his. Then, the quiet moments that you both lived, the meaningless ones, the ones he never thought he’d have to remember like this. They all hit his brain at once, bringing on a throbbing headache for him. But even though it ached to think of you, he still clung to these memories desperately, replaying them over and over on loop.

If he stopped and let them fade even a little, then it would be like losing you all over again.

Your voice wasn’t there to comfort him like it always used to be, and if he took out his phone to play a clip of your sweet voice messages that used to encourage him, he wasn’t sure how he would react. His sobs eventually silenced, faltering into desperate gasps of air. Exhaustion pulled him down as his breathing became uneven. He curled into himself on the floor, still clutching what little of you he has left as his body tumbled to the side. The last thing he felt before he passed out was the faint scent of your perfume and the hollow ache in his chest that never seemed to go away.

Winter had long passed, allowing flowers to bloom over the frigid grass. Yet, Sunghoon remained frozen in the cold weather, trapped in the season you left him in.

Sunghoon didn’t remember setting his alarm, but the shrill sound of it woke him up from his deep sleep.

He kept his eyes closed as he pouted, squirming around as he patted around for his phone. But, instead of meeting the cold floor, his hands brushed up against warm bedding. He shot upright, eyes wide and head throbbing. Who the hell moved him from the floor to the bed?

For a moment, Sunghoon sat still, disoriented and trying to piece together the puzzles of last night through his dazed head. He remembered having a breakdown and the sweet aroma of your perfume. His vision was blurry, and he thought that it was from his tears from last night, but even after blinking for a few seconds, his eyesight didn’t gain any clarity. His hands shot up to rub his eyes, but his sight was still fuzzy. He remembered passing out on the floor, holding your jacket. But he surely didn’t remember this.

He looked down, realizing he was on a twin XL bed. He squinted his eyes as he stared at the bedding. It looked way too familiar. The way that the blanket hung off the edge, and the striped pillow was resting up against the wall, compressed into a flat piece of cotton. It looked all too familiar, too similar to the navy blue set that he used during his freshman year of college.

A chill ran down Sunghoon’s spine as he realized where he was. He was in a freshman dorm.

As he glanced around, his bleary eyes still didn’t clear, but the room around him became a little more concrete. The cheap white paint peeling on the ceiling, the shaky frame of his wooden bunk bed, and the pile of unfolded laundry sitting right in the middle of the floor in a blob of mixed fabrics. The mini-fridge was humming next to his closet. It was all there, exactly the way he remembered two years ago. He would’ve mused at the fact that it looked so identical if he wasn’t so freaked out about being in some random freshman dorm.

Fuck, what did I do last night? I probably look like a creep! In the dorm of some random freshman kid when I’m a junior… He nearly sprained his ankle trying to jump off the bed, scrambling to leave as soon as possible. But as soon as he jumped down from the top bunk, the door opened, revealing Jay.

“Dude, you good? You jumped off the bed mad hard.” Jay snickered, running a hand through his wet hair. Sunghoon blinked. This had to be a dream, a prank, or a grief-induced hallucination. Maybe he cried himself so hard that he lost his fucking mind. Because there was just no way he was staring at freshman year Jay in his freshman year dorm.

Jay was supposed to have short black hair with a strictness that only college and a two-year unpaid internship could instill into him. He was supposed to be wearing button-ups and polos with tight trousers and a fancy belt. But this Jay had longer, dyed silver hair with his teenage features still ghosting his face. This Jay was wearing a soccer team jersey with baggy shorts and his silver conch piercing still looped through his ear.

“Sunghoon, are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost…” Jay nervously laughed, throwing the towel around his neck into his hamper. “Did you have a nightmare or something?”

Sunghoon’s throat was dry. He tried to swallow, but instead he broke out into a coughing fit. Jay scrambled to pat his back, grabbing a cold water bottle from the shared mini-fridge. “Th– Thanks…” Sunghoon wheezed as he greedily gulped down the entire bottle. “Uhm, I’m– I’m okay…” He whispered, trying to find his voice. Jay frowned, concerned.

“Are you sure? You sound weird as hell, man.” Jay smiled again, his expression dry and one of concern. Sunghoon cleared his throat and nodded again, turning around to look at himself in the mirror. He was faced with the younger version of himself from two years ago, too. Instead of his ripped figure, his muscles were just beginning to bulge with the beginnings of his consistent workouts. His hair was dark as usual, but he could see the overgrown appearance framing his eyes.

“I– I think ‘m gonna be sick!” Sunghoon gagged, before running to the communal bathrooms and flinging open the closest stall door. He yakked in the toilet, sick to his stomach. The sour smell of vomit filled the claustrophobic space of the stall, and Sunghoon nearly threw up again as chunks of undigested food sputtered out from between his lips. Jay came in a minute later, standing awkwardly next to the open door.

“Are you good, man? You’re worrying me… Did the dining hall fuck you over, too?” Jay snickered. Sunghoon flushed, leaning heavily against the wall as cold sweat clung to the back of his neck. His whole body felt wrong. Jay lingered outside for a moment before speaking again, voice softer this time. “Seriously, Hoon. Did something happen?”

Sunghoon stared at the tiled floor for a moment before flushing down his puke. Everything had fucking happened. You were dead, and he had buried you. But he couldn’t say that to Jay. So instead, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and forced out a weak response.

“Bad dream.”

Jake had been talking about you for weeks before Sunghoon met you.

The puppy-like boy had been yipping his ear off about you, but Sunghoon didn’t even know what you looked like. All he knew you as Jake’s hometown friend who’s known the man since high school. Yet Jake talked about you like Sunghoon was already integrated into your friendship, like you were apart of their routine too.

“Yuck, this dining hall food sucks.” Jake scrunched his nose as his fork penetrated the dry chicken, the metal tearing into the strips of meat. Sunghoon snorted as he dug his spoon into the “soup” that had animal fats coagulating on the surface of the bowl. “Should we take the bus downtown and get sushi?” Jake licked his lips, eager for the change of meal.

“We already used a meal swipe, Jake. I don’t want to waste it.” Sunghoon frowned, but he himself was about to lose his appetite as he stared into the abyss of the tomato soup that bubbled and popped, spurting tiny droplets of thick tomato onto the table. When Jake didn’t respond, Sunghoon assumed that Jake had conceded and began eating his dry chicken, but when he looked up, Jake’s eyes were somewhere else.

Sunghoon followed his eyes to see that Jake was staring at a girl grabbing a cookie. “Ohh, you think she’s cute?” Sunghoon teased. Jake’s lips then curled up in disgust, his entire face contorting to express his repulsion to Sunghoon’s words. The younger boy frowned, disappointed. “Jake, don’t look like that. She may not be your type, but she’s a cute girl.”

“What? Dude, that’s Y/N. My friend from home.” Jake snickered. “So you think she’s cute, huh?” The chestnut-haired boy leaned across the table immediately, grin widening like he had just been handed the greatest entertainment of his week.

“No, Jake, I didn’t say all that.” Sunghoon groaned, knowing that he had just walked himself into a trap.

“Nah, don’t lie. You think she’s cute, huh? She’s single, I can set you up…” Jake smirked, wriggling his eyebrows. Sunghoon groaned, the tip of his pale ears turning red from the embarrassment he was feeling. He covered his face to hide his expression.

“Stop, Jake…” He whined. Jake snickered and pushed Sunghoon’s elbow.

“Be cool, man, she’s coming.” Jake winked, biting his lip at Sunghoon. The pale boy’s face was so red, he was sure he looked like a stop sign at that point. Behind Sunghoon, he heard the steady sounds of footsteps against linoleum. It was when the footsteps were directly behind him that he decided to turn around, not wanting to look too snappy or weird.

Sunghoon was blown away. He thought you were cute from a couple of feet away, debating whether to grab either the cookie or the brownie as you tapped your foot in a rhythmic motion. But you were even more breathtaking up close. You had a soft, warm smile gracing your lips, making you look approachable. Your cheeks were dewy from the humid air that resulted from the smokiness of the chicken charring behind the dining hall bars. You were wearing sweats and a hoodie, dressing warmly for the cool temperatures that began to settle in the atmosphere during September. He absolutely couldn’t hide how smitten he was with you, so much that Jake began lightly kicking his foot under the table.

“Hi, Jake.”

God, even your voice was like honey. Smooth, silky, and thickly sweet. “Hey, Y/N. Did you finish eating, or did you just get here?” Jake asked you, not bothering to hide the wide, mischievous grin that began to spread across his lips.

“Mmm, I ate with my classmate, Chaewon. She left to go back to her dorm already,” You answered, circling the table to stand behind Jake. Your face came into full view of Sunghoon, and he had to remember to swallow so that he could prepare his mouth to speak.

“H– Hey.” Sunghoon’s voice cracked as he greeted you. Jake pursed his lips, biting them to stifle his laughter. He cleared his throat and looked down, embarrassed.

“Hi, I’m Y/N, Jake’s friend.” You giggled, melodic and charming. Sunghoon shyly smiled up at you, gathering the courage to look up at you directly. You took the seat next to Jake, maintaining your friendly grin as you stared at Sunghoon. “Aren’t you in my CS class?” You asked, tilting your head. Sunghoon gulped. He didn’t even realize, but you remembered him so easily. He felt a little guilty.

“Uhm– Uhm, yeah, ‘m– ‘m in CS 1010… Monday, Wednesday, Friday lectures from 12:15 to 1:30… You– you too?” Sunghoon stammered out his question. You giggled again, seemingly amused and endeared by his bashful demeanor.

“Yup, that’s me too! Hey, sit next to me in lecture next time! I sit in like, the middle back. And I’m going to be honest with you, the guy who usually sits next to me… he’s a bit obnoxious…” You leaned in to cheekily whisper to him, as if letting him in on a secret only you both knew about. (And Jake, he guessed…)

The conversation began flowing into a natural river of meaningless talks about dorm life, classes, and unshared stories of Jake that you both had. Honestly, Sunghoon barely remembered what you guys talked about. All that was stuck in his mind was the way you kept glancing at him with your bright, wide eyes that squinted with your cheeks as you smiled and giggled.

At the time, Sunghoon thought it was just a lucky afternoon, stumbling upon a pretty girl and even scoring a friend in a class. He didn’t know then that it would become coffee dates and late-night study sessions, shared bus rides, first kisses, and apartment keys. He didn’t know that one day, he would be whispering “I love you” to you every night before you both fell asleep after long days of cramming for Data Structures and Algorithms. He didn’t know then that you would become home.

And he definitely didn’t know that one day, years later, he would sit on the floor of that very home, begging the universe to let him have you back.

Back then, all he knew was that you smiled at him, and for the first time, he was excited to attend CS 1010.

Sunghoon had finished hyperventilating twenty minutes ago. Or maybe thirty. Time felt fake now, so he honestly couldn’t tell.

All he knew was that he had woken up in his freshman dorm, thrown up in the communal bathroom, cried for a little bit more until Jay awkwardly told him he had to leave, and then kneeled down on the (very disgusting) floor of the stall trying not to pass out or cry again. Either grief had sent him into some form of delusion or psychosis, or genuinely sent him two years in the past. Neither option was looking like an optimal answer to his question of why the hell he was in his freshman year self.

After managing to get up, he went back to his dorm to search for anything that could help his predicament. (As if his dingy gaming laptop could send him back into the present…) He entered his room to grab his morning essentials, splayed out in a cup on his white dorm cart. His vision was still blurry, and it finally clicked to him as to why when he noticed a foreign object on the same cart. He picked up a glasses case and opened them to reveal a pair of glasses. He put them on and stared at himself in the mirror secured on the front of his closet door. 

They were black, wide, and thick-rimmed, pressing up against the sides of his nose and nudging into the fluffy skin of his cheeks. But Sunghoon never wore glasses– he had perfect 20/20 vision. Sunghoon freaked out– who wouldn’t freak out after losing their after a night’s sleep?

He took his cup of essentials to the bathroom, cringing at the loadout. He had a dingy, plastic toothbrush and a cheap tube of toothpaste. He didn’t own his usual mixsoon skincare, so he couldn’t wash his face with cleanser. He brushed his teeth, rinsed his mouth with purple Listerine, and splashed his face with water.

“God, this is sick. This is actually so sick,” he muttered to himself, patting his face dry with his sleep t-shirt and putting on the glasses. Now that he could properly see his reflection in the dusty and streaky mirror, he was staring at the younger version of himself that had softer features, longer, dark-brown hair, and a pair of fucking glasses now.

He looked like a loser, and his present-day brain wanted to fight himself for not taking care of himself properly until he began talking to you. He checked the time on the old and unnecessary clock hanging over the door of the communal bathroom, whispering a curse as he realized that it was almost 8:30AM, his class was at 9AM, and the walk was 20 minutes away from the dorm. 

He ran back to his dorm room to change, throwing open his closet door with a resonating slam against the wooden sideboards. Instead of the expensive and sleek monochrome clothes he meticulously spent two years curating into his fashion style, he was greeted with vibrant colors overtaking any monotone hue that could have hidden in his hangers. He pulled each hanger back, revealing neon green, a bright yellow, and a shirt with Detective Conan on it. He groaned, internally cursing his freshman-year self for buying whatever he could get his cheap hands on. He picked out a green sweater and a clean pair of blue denim jeans. He wanted to accessorize, but when he dug through his other drawers, he couldn’t find anything. There wasn’t even a watch or necklace or bracelet. He shook his head and exhaled in frustration.

Sunghoon checked the calendar on his desk promptly, throwing on a jacket and grabbing a random apple on his desk. It was November, three months after university had started for him. But when his eyes landed on the color-coded events, he was confused. Because instead of CS 1010 and CALC III, the usual courses he took on Monday, he was looking at CHEM 1010 and BIOL 2100. He remembered taking the chemistry course his freshman year, but he definitely remembered not taking anything biology-related in his college career. Hell, he was a Computer Engineering major. What would a CS student need Biology for?

Ignoring the weird nostalgia blooming in his chest and the odd discrepancies that just continued to pile up, Sunghoon went out to go to his classes. Instead of the green trees and blossoming flowers welcoming him outside, he was met with the warm leaves and moderate temperatures of Autumn. Students passed by in a haze, chattering about their classes and walking way faster than Sunghoon remembered. The cold breeze drifted through the campus, inflating his sweater as it crept under the fabric. Jay had already left to attend a mixer for his pre-law frat, leaving Sunghoon to try to stimulate his own brain so he could ignore his weird time flashback or time-travel or whatever the hell this was…

He checked his phone, inhaling a big breath of air and holding it in, as if bracing himself for the impact that he was seeing his screen two years in the past. When the screen brightened, Sunghoon was greeted with Patrick Bateman laughing maniacally at him with blood splattered across his face. He instantly shut his phone off out of embarrassment. “Hell no.” He grunted.

He inhaled again and opened it to check his text messages. He expected to see your name at the top, but instead, it was Jake followed by Jay. He scrolled through, expecting to see your name at least somewhere. After all, it’d been three months since you’ve met. You should’ve at least talked about the CS midterm by now, right? But instead, he scrolled through to see his parents, his sister, and some random high school friends Sunghoon hadn’t thought of in years.

He squeezed his eyes shut. He felt a headache coming on, and his heart was twisting into itself, wringing out all of his worries about his time-travel to soak up the anxieties of you. If he was here—if this was really freshman year, really November, really two years ago— then where the hell were you?

Sunghoon stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk, students brushing past him with annoyed mutters, enunciated scoffs, and eyerolls. His fingers trembled around his phone as he opened your contact again, except… there was no contact to open. Your name didn’t exist in his phone, and there was nothing to remember you by. His stomach dropped to his feet, and from his feet, crept up the nauseous nagging of… what if you didn’t exist at all now, these two years ago that he was in?

“No, no, no…” he muttered under his breath, swiping faster like your name might magically appear if he looked hard enough. But it didn’t. All that stared back at him was the image of fucking Christian Bale laughing at him, jeering at him as if making a mockery out of Sunghoon.

Could… this not have been his timeline entirely? Instead of going back to the past, did he somehow fall into a world where you never even existed?

Even the beginnings of the thought was enough to make Sunghoon keel over, steadying his body on a nearby tree and focusing his eyes into the nearby bush. Was this world not the version where you sat next to him in CS 1010 and whispered gossip to him during lectures? Because if so, then this wasn’t the version where he walked you home after late-night study sessions and fell in love with you under fluorescent library lights. This wasn’t the version where he kissed you outside your apartment in the snow for the first time.

The version of him that had met you.

Sunghoon’s breathing started to shorten again. He had one hand pressed flat against it the thick and textured trunk of the tree, as if it could keep the world from tilting. The autumn air began feeling suffocating instead of crisp, and the stray threads inside his stupidly bright green sweater began scratching at the hairs on his arms, penetrating through to itch his skin.

think think think think think

Jake? Jake knew you first, didn’t he?

He couldn’t give less of a fuck about his stupid CHEM 1010 class, not when the idea of you not being in his life again was wrapping heavy hands around his neck and choking him. His thumb fumbled as he opened Jake’s contact and scrolled through his messages. Most of it was stupid nonsense, with the most recent text being Jake begging him to skip class for food. Then, buried between them, secluded amongst the sheer amount of back-and-forth texts, was a diamond in the rough.

jake: bro r u coming to the library tmrw nite? jake: y/n’s gonna be there too jake: bro please be normal this time 😭🙏

Sunghoon choked out a broken sound, a cacophony of laughter and sobbing. His knees nearly gave out from the release of tension in his muscles. He pressed the heel of his hand against his eyes, digging it into his eyes to steady himself. Sunghoon didn’t care that he looked like an idiot in the middle of campus while students walked around him. After all, they were ignoring him like his spectacle was an everyday occurrence. He couldn’t care less.

you existed here you were here alive breathing here here in this world not six feet under but above ground walking talking breathing living

Sunghoon stared at the message until the words blurred.

y/n’s gonna be there too

alive alive alive

You were no longer trapped inside of the pictures hung up on the walls. Not reduced to old voice messages and the lingering scent on the piles of clothes you left around the apartment and in your hamper. Not a mere name carved into stone and buried under the solid, winter dirt.

alive.

Sunghoon’s chest caved in on itself. If he had not met you like he did two months ago in the dining hall, then would you both be starting from square one now? Does that mean that he had another chance to start from the beginning? To love you again, wholeheartedly, and make sure that you wouldn’t die? That instead of two measly years, he could love you for an entire lifetime? Or were you destined to meet the same fate again?

He didn’t hesitate to decide. No matter what lifetime he was in, he would make the same decision. He would choose you again, every time, even knowing how it ended. Grief this devastating could only exist because love had once been so kind, and now that he had a chance to experience your living love again, he wouldn’t pass up the opportunity.

Sunghoon: r we still on for the library?

“I didn’t think making a grade calculator would be this fucking hard, oh my god.”

You and Sunghoon were both deep into three Red Bulls, eyes bloodshot and accessorized with grey and purple bags hanging under them. Sunghoon exhaled and slammed his laptop shut, before immediately pulling it open again to reveal the same piece of coding that had been mocking the both of you for hours. Meanwhile, you were slumped over your own laptop, fingers tapping away at your keyboard meaninglessly. Honestly, you weren’t even trying to fix the code, you were just typing a bunch of bullshit into the program.

“Seriously, why did I choose CS?” Sunghoon sulked, about to begin reflecting on every decision that led him there, before you snapped him out of it with a few delicate taps to his arm.

“How about we take a study break, hm?” You tilted your head, smiling up at him. Even though you look exhausted, you still managed to muster up a warm grin on your lips that instantly quelled his anxieties about your project. “Where should we go… it’s pretty chilly outside…” You thought aloud. The way your eyes flicked up and your hand dramatically stroked your chin endeared him, blossoming an aggressive affection in his chest. He squeezed his hands into a fist, trying to resist pinching your cheeks.

“What time is it now? 2AM? Is anything even open?” Sunghoon yawned. You thought about it for a second before gasping. Sunghoon could almost visualize the lightbulb flashing above your head.

“Let’s eat ramyeon at the convenience store on the main road!” You suggested. The brown-haired boy hummed in agreement, standing up abruptly to stretch before putting on his coat. You both abandoned your things and put your trust in student honor as you began your 10-minute walk down the street, leaving the warm and humid library in favor of the chilly autumn weather.

“Sunghoon, have I ever asked you about your lore?” You suddenly asked. Sunghoon furrowed his eyebrows.

“Lore? What does that mean?” He responded, confusion puppeting his eyebrows into a furrow. You puffed up your cheeks as you thought about how to explain the term.

“Like– your cool anime backstory, or whatever…” You answered, embarrassed at the way you chose to describe it. Sunghoon snickered, shaking his head.

“Uhm, I don’t think I have a cool anime backstory, or whatever…” He started to think. “Well… I have a younger sister and then I used to figure-skate. Nothing really interesting, I don’t think…” You gasped at his downplaying of his abilities.

“You used to figure-skate? That’s so cool! When did you start?” You smiled, eyes sparkling at looking up at him with wonder. Sunghoon’s face flushed even harder.

“Uhm… when I was pretty young… I was pretty good at it, other people tell me. But I didn’t have many friends when I was a kid because I was the only guy who did figure-skating,” he continued. You tilted your head curiously.

“Do you have any pictures, Hoon?” You perked up. He tried to ignore the flutter in his heart with the usage of your sudden nickname, instead opting to fumble for his phone. He hid away the Patrick Batemen lockscreen he forgot to change before flashing you a photo of his younger self.

Child Sunghoon was round and soft, with a cute and awkward smile on his face. He wore a flashy costume, a white button-up with silver glitter lining everywhere that it could trace. In his hands was a trophy and a bouquet of flowers. A coo immediately erupted from your throat as you took it in. “Sooo cute, ohmygod!” You gasped. His shining pupils disappeared as he smiled, bashful as he looked away. He turned off the phone, causing you to whine.

“Nooo~ Hoon, send me the photo! I’ll make it your contact!”

As much as he didn’t want to give in, ultimately, he did. He airdropped the photo to you, which you received with a delighted squeal. Sunghoon peered over your shoulder, trying to subtly look at what you were going to do. Just as you said, you immediately went to change his assigned contact photo to the child version of his picture. But as you opened his chatbox, his heart stuttered. His number was saved under ‘hoon <3.’

He immediately jerked his head away, blushing profusely as he tried to ignore the steady and rising thumping in his chest. You looked up at him, oblivious to the motions his body was going through.

“Soo, what ramyeon should we eat?”

Sunghoon didn’t know shit about biology, so he left his lab as soon as the class ended.

His labmates were very obviously frustrated, not-so-subtly glaring at him as they passive-aggressively shot their DNA samples into the wells of the gel electrophoresis. One of his lab mates, a nice boy named Sunoo, leaned in to whisper into his ear, “Are you okay? You’re normally never this slow?” And after a reassuring nod, Sunoo pouted and looked away. Sunghoon guessed that meant he was actually skilled in biology, but he knew for sure that this Sunghoon, the one who wanted to pursue cybersecurity, didn’t know jackshit about DNA, RNA, and whatever the Central Dogma was.

Sunghoon was hungry, his brain was overloaded with too much new information, and all he could think about was the thought of seeing you. Breathing, alive, and here. So as soon as the TA dismissed everyone, he sprinted out of the lab and across campus to the library. He didn’t care if he looked stupid, clutching his backpack strap and punching his shoulders backwards and forwards in order to gain more momentum as he ran for his life. All he cared about was you. you you you

As he neared the library, waiting for the crosswalk to turn green for pedestrians, he whipped out his phone to text Jake.

Sunghoon: Hey Jake. Where are U sitting. Sunghoon: What floor are U on? Sunghoon: Where R U located. jake: ???? jake: were on the fourth floor in a cubby jake: why r u texting so weird LOL when dod u use punctuations n caps? Sunghoon: Uhhh trying out a new style of texting. jake: wtv man just dont act like a weirdo with y/n LOL jake: dont tell her i said this but she said shes excited to see u

Sunghoon’s heart was pounding, and he was sure it wasn’t because of the intense cardio. He looked back and forth on the road, tapping his foot impatiently as the crosswalk was still red. As soon as the street was cleared of cars, he began rapidly walking across the road, ignoring the protests of the crossguard with an embarrassed expression on his face.

He practically bolted across the small lawn in front of the library in order to enter it, panting as he climbed up the large flight of stairs leading up to the main entrance. He pushed the doors open, his feet rapidly clicking against the tiled floor as he raced to find you and Jake. He rounded around the entirety of the fourth floor, ignoring the pointed and obvious stares of the other people trying to study. Soft chatter and giggles filled the wide floor, as well as the sounds of keyboards clicking under pressure and Apple pencils tapping against screens. But one particular sound stood out to him.

The sound of your sweet, sweet laughter.

He nearly tripped as he rounded the corner, only to see the glorious sight that his heart had been searching for forever.

You.

You were sitting cross-legged on one of the seats in the cubby, your laptop balanced on your thighs and a Red Bull cracked open beside you. The same, sugar-free flavor that you always liked when you both studied together and that Sunghoon conditioned himself into loving, too. Jake was next to you, saying something dramatic with his hands, and you were laughing at him– your head tipped back slightly, eyes squinting, your smile so bright that it was the only thing he could see.

For a moment, the entire world went silent until his ears began ringing. There was nothing else in the world except you.

Just you.

Alive.

Not framed in a photograph, not buried under frozen dirt, and not simply reduced to a voice memo he replayed at three in the morning because he was afraid he’d forget the exact cadence of your laugh.

You were here.

You were breathing, laughing, smiling, moving, existing. Alive.

Sunghoon stopped walking.

His body forgot how to function, rooted to the tiled floor as if one more step would shatter the fragile miracle in front of him. His vision blurred almost instantly, tears gathering so fast it embarrassed him.

Because you were there, right in front of him after the seasons had changed and months had passed since he last saw you.

Wearing some oversized hoodie he recognized from years ago, sleeves covering half your hands. Your hair slightly messy, your lips wrapped around the straw of your drink, your foot absentmindedly bumping against Jake’s chair.

You were so alive.

Sunghoon’s throat closed as the tears wouldn’t stop. He hurriedly brought up his sleeves to wipe his eyes. He had spent months begging the universe for this. Whether he was in the kitchen, pleading to have you back so you could wash your dirty dishes. Or buried in the side of your bed, his face smothered by the scent-heavy fabric of your pillow case. At your grave, where your name engraved into the stone mocked him and the dates of your birth and date blending in together. In every quiet second where grief became too heavy to carry, and Sunghoon’s body would collapse from the sheer weight of it all on his back.

Yet now, here you were, as if no time had passed at all and Sunghoon was back to day one. 

Jake noticed him first, standing outside the cubicle like a weirdo. To be fair, Jake thought Sunghoon was a weirdo until he recognized the vibrant fashion choice. “Dude, finally—” Jake started, the beginnings of a laugh about to escape his throat, but the words died in his throat when he saw Sunghoon’s face, because Sunghoon looked like he was seeing a ghost.

Your eyes followed Jake’s, landing on him, and Sunghoon’s breath hitched. He had your eyes on him, and they hadn’t changed from the last time he saw you. They were as bright as he remembered, with the stars of the night filling them with a shine so breathtaking that Sunghoon couldn’t believe that this was real.

And then you smiled, the same smile that always instantly calmed him down, alleviating him of any negative thoughts. You smiled like you hadn’t fucking died, and Sunghoon was almost angry at how naive you looked, oblivious to the suffering that he had gone through for months without seeing that beautiful visage. But as soon as your lips curled, they faltered.

“Sunghoon?” you said, tilting your head a little. “Are you okay?”

God, your voice was as melodic as he remembered. So softspoken per usual, with a tune that was like angels were singing. A broken sound left his throat before he could stop it— a half laugh and a half sob mixing together to produce something ugly and raw. His hand came up to cover his mouth like he could physically shove the emotions and sound back inside of his throat. But he couldn’t. because you were looking at him finally after months of going without it.

alive alive alive youre really alive and youre really here and youre smiling so pretty so beautiful my sweet girlfriend my y/n mine mine mine youre mine

Tears spilled over despite every humiliating attempt to stop them. Your expression immediately shifted, your weak grin fading into a concerned look as you stood up too quickly, chair scraping against the floor.

“Dude— are you crying?” Jake asked. You hissed at him, silently scolding him for his dumb question. Sunghoon couldn’t help but laugh because that was such a you thing and you were doing it like you always did before and he can’t stop crying you’re you you’re you you’re you

“I’m fine,” he lied instantly, voice cracking so badly it made Jake wince.

You took another step closer. You were so close, so close that he could smell the same sweet perfume that you always wore. The one that he kept on your nightstand to let macerate after you died. The one that was masked by the putrid smell of formaldehyde at your funeral. The one that he spent the last couple of months trying to get a whiff of out of your dirty clothes and unwashed pillowcase.

This was torture. You were standing there looking so beautiful but so painfully not his. Because at this point in time, you didn’t know him yet. Not the way his you did. No, this you didn’t know the shape of his hands in the dark, or how he took his coffee, or the way he only liked sleeping if the weight of his leg was thrown over his. You didn’t know about the apartment that you both lived in until it was just him, alone, with the broken promises of forever and eternal love left to remember you by.

Sunghoon’s fingers twitched at his side. He wanted to reach out to at least brush his fingertips over your arms. He wanted to hold your face. He wanted to hear your heartbeat to make sure that it was beating. He wanted to bury himself in your arms and stay there until the last few months faded until it didn’t exist to him anymore, so he could at least pretend like your death had never happened and he finally got his happily ever after. But he was scared. So scared that if he touched you, he was afraid he would never let go, or you’d vanish and disappear, or he’d wake up from this beautiful dream that was your world.

So instead, he just stood there sobbing and shaking his head like an idiot in the middle of the library.

Sunghoon was inconsolable for an hour.

He honestly thought that an hour was too short for his whiplash of relief and anguish to stop, but he was fine.

Nope, he wasn’t. You patted his back and he began sobbing again.

“Dude, are you okay? What’s wrong, man? I’ve never seen you like this before…” Jake asked, worry laced in his accent-heavy voice. You looked at Jake, your eyebrows knitted in concern for the poor boy sobbing his heart out in front of you.

“Are you having a hard time because of midterms? It’s okay, Sunghoon, it’s okay to cry… let it out, you’ve probably had a stressful week… don’t worry, you’ve worked hard…” You tried to comfort him, but he only sobbed harder because this was something that you would definitely say. Sunghoon sniffled, but let out a few coughs instead. Jake unsuccessfully stifled his snickers as the younger boy began to cough excessively, before crying harder.

“Jake…” you silently hissed, thwacking his shoulder with a heavy hand. His mouth opened as he flinched back. Sunghoon finally calmed down after a while, staring at you with wide eyes. Your hand was still resting lightly against his back, warm through the thin fabric of his sweater, and he thought he might start crying again just from that alone. It was after he processed your body heat that he realized you were touching him. You weren’t a memory or a dream anymore, and most importantly, this is real. Not some cruel hallucination his grief-ridden brain had conjured to keep him from completely falling apart.

Jake looked between the two of you like he was watching a live drama unfold in front of him. “Okay,” he said slowly, dragging the word out. “So, uh, what happened, man?”

Sunghoon opened his mouth.

Nothing. Because what was he supposed to say? Sorry, I watched the love of my life die, spent months rotting in our apartment, cried myself to sleep holding her jacket, and then apparently got thrown backward into freshman year like some sick cosmic joke?

He knew Jake believed in the idea of multiple universes. He knew that from his constant rant about physics and the laws of the galaxy or whatever the hell Jake yapped about– it wasn’t like Sunghoon didn’t care about Jake’s interests. He just didn’t understand. But Sunghoon wasn’t sure that Jake would be so open-minded to find out that he had time-traveled two years into the past from a future that you died in.

Sunghoon simply swallowed hard and just looked away. “I just…” His voice came out hoarse. “I had a really bad dream.”

Jake blinked. “Dude, that bad?” He grimaced.

Sunghoon nodded with a small frown. Your expression softened immediately, and Sunghoon immediately noticed the shift in your face. Because you were giving him that unbearably gentle look you always gave him when he was trying too hard to pretend he was okay, the same look that Sunghoon got when he failed his CSO midterm in sophomore year and when he almost flunked Prob Stat. It made his chest ache with a comforting nostalgia.

“Sunghoon,” you said softly, pulling your chair out beside yours, “you should sit down before you pass out or something. You look like you ran here.” You giggled. Sunghoon sniffled, his plump bottom lip jutted out in a pretty pink pout. His cheeks were now streaked with the dried-up stream of his tears and his entire face was flushed and puffy. You sounded so pretty when you said his name. Sunghoon let out a weak, embarrassed laugh and sat where you told him to, because your voice still had the same authority over him that it always would.

Jake shoved a tissue packet toward him across the table, the plastic messily torn open, as if Jake didn’t care for tabs that instructed him. “For our sobbing Sunghoon…” he snickered. You and Sunghoon both smacked his arm.

“Shut up,” Sunghoon croaked, his voice still ruined from crying. You laughed softly at that, and the sound nearly made him start all over again. He pulled off his glasses and dabbed uselessly at his face while desperately trying to act like a normal person and not a man whose entire soul had just been resurrected by the sight of you alive. When he put back on his glasses, his vision clear from tears and poor eyesight, they landed on your laptop.

The screen was still open beside you, but instead of lines of code and an unfinished project like he expected, he caught sight of anatomy diagrams and a color-coded set of notes. Organs, labeled veins, tiny handwritten mnemonics in the margins. On another tab, a link to register for CNA classes. Sunghoon blinked, confused.

“…You’re not in CS.”

The words slipped out before he could stop them. Jake snorted immediately. Your eyebrows lifted in confusion before you laughed. “No? Definitely not.” You turned your laptop a little toward him, showing him the mess of biology notes even though you didn’t really have to prove it to him.

“I’m a nursing major, unfortunately,” you sighed dramatically. “Heavy emphasis on the unfortunately this week. I have a poster presentation due for chem lab this week, and my group partners suck… They keep ghosting me… but what can you expect from engineering majors?” You joked lightly. “Hey, did you think I was a CS major ‘cuz I keep hanging out with this stinky loser?” You pouted.

“Hey!” Jake protested in the background, but Sunghoon didn’t care. His word was tilting even more on its axis, and he felt like the laws of the universe were rewriting themselves.

“No– No, sorry… I guess I mistook your major for someone else’s…” Sunghoon nervously laughed. “Uhm… Is– is it hard– Nursing, I mean?” Sunghoon meekly gulped. You smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, but, I guess everything is hard, right? I don’t think I could ever take discrete or linear or anything of that sort.” You giggled. Sunghoon swallowed dryly and nodded. What would you think if you knew you were his tutor in those classes when you guys dated? Would you laugh him off in disbelief, or would you brush it off and claim yourself as a genius…?

Jake rolled his eyes at how awkward you both were. He distracted himself with his Calc III homework, trying to ignore the very obvious attraction looming over the both of your heads. He thought to himself as he made a very hard point to not stare at the both of you guys speaking.

“Man, I hope I don’t have to third-wheel.”

Your number was in Sunghoon’s phone now, saved under your name.

You had input your own contact name, a simple formality of your name, and in parentheses (jake’s friend). But you were more than just Jake’s friend to him, so he changed it as soon as he got back to his dorm, replacing the parentheses with a sweet and simple ‘<3’ instead. He resisted the urge to text you as soon as all three of you left the library.

Sunghoon took a shower as soon as he got back to his dorm. It had been so long since he stepped foot in a communal shower that he almost stepped in barefoot. He almost freaked out when he realized he forgot his shower slippers. He stepped back in, feet now clad in slippers and his shower caddy in hand. The water pressure was harsher than he remembered, the shower spray hitting his scalp like bullets. His caddy only contained a simple shampoo, conditioner, and bar soap, which made him grimace internally. When he did his skincare, he tried to ignore the oily feeling that sat like a film over his skin.

Jay greeted him when he entered his dorm again, his wet hair dripping a pathway into the shared space and his slippers flopping against the wooden floor. “Hey man.” Jay briefly looked up, staring at his laptop as he softly strummed his guitar. “You going to bed soon? I can stop playing.”

“No, you’re good, Jay…” Sunghoon replied, taking off his glasses and setting it back into the case, the magnetized plastic snapping shut. Sunghoon grunted as he climbed onto the top bunk of his bed. Jay smiled and nodded, before going back to playing around with his acoustic guitar.

Sunghoon tucked himself under the covers, letting out a small sigh of relief. His back was aching, and his eyes felt a bit sore. He rubbed at the sides of his cheekbones, trying to relieve the puffiness in his face. Suddenly, his phone pinged, causing the black-haired boy to flinch. He reached for his device, tucked under the pillow, opening it only to see your name in his notification center.

y/n <3: hii sunghoon! did u get back to ur dorm yet? i just got back y/n <3: r u feeling better now? Sunghoon: I got back safe. Sunghoon: Thank U for today. Sunghoon: Sorry for being weird. y/n <3: LOL its okay y/n <3: honestly i was kinda flattered Sunghoon: Flattered??? y/n <3: yeah y/n <3: imagine crying that hard after seeing me y/n <3: my ego is huge now y/n <3: but seriously are u okay?

Sunghoon stared at the message, unsure how to respond. Too many answers began to crowd his throat, and he was certain he was about to start crying again. But instead, he typed:

Sunghoon: Bad dream. Sunghoon: Thats all. y/n <3: aw man i’ve been having weird dreams too… but i hope u have a good dream tnt… y/n <3: come study w me again tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow. There was going to be a tomorrow with you.

y/n <3: OH y/n <3: and dont cry again when u see me pls y/n <3: what if i get bullying allegations…

Sunghoon covered his face with one hand, laughing weakly into his palm. God, you were just like how you were back in freshman year of college. Always so approachable and kind, so sweet and patient. Sunghoon bit his lip to stifle his tears, not wanting to interrupt Jay’s peaceful strumming.

Was this a chance from the universe to win you back? To have you back in his arms where you were supposed to be? Were the stars realigning for your love to reconcile? To give you a chance at the life that was taken away from you too early?

Because if so, then who was Sunghoon to deny the universe’s gift?

He vowed it there and then– that he would make you his once again.

The next few weeks blurred together for Sunghoon. Time did feel fake, after all.

At first, he thought being around you again would continue hurting. He’d thought that every time he’d seen you after your first encounter, he’d start crying over and over again. He thought every glance at your face would reopen the wound inside his chest until he bled out from the sheer amount of grief that had welled up in his hollow chest since that fateful winter morning.

But instead, Sunghoon got used to you again.

Between your late-night study sessions and meaningless unproductive chatter in the library, you slipped into his life as naturally as you did the first time around. And now, you managed to sew yourself into the knittings of his daily life cycle again. Your “study nights” turned into convenience store midnight snacks. You invited him to your dorm to “fix the wallpaper” which ended up with you guys reminiscing about your high school days. Your texts became routine too, and every single notification still made his heart jump. Some nights, you’d call him instead. (But your sleepy voice through the speaker sounded too much like the nights in your shared apartment when you’d mumble nonsense into his chest before falling asleep.)

Sunghoon didn’t realize it until late, but he began to notice he was listening and watching you pre-emptively. When you told him about the guy you had beef with for talking back to the teacher back in high school, Sunghoon already knew that. Before you told him you had a bad habit of chewing on the sides of your fingernails when nervous, Sunghoon had already told you to stop. He already knew everything about you. From the way you’d subtly eye the way he took bites of food even after insisting you weren’t hungry to the way your nose would twitch before you started crying– Sunghoon knew every single minute detail about you.

You never commented on it. Sunghoon hoped you just chalked it up to him being observant rather than looking like a creepy stalker who cried whenever he saw a pretty girl. 

“Hoon? Helloooo? Earth to Hoon?”

Your hand was waving in front of his face, a pout on your lips. “Zoning out again?” You huffed. He smiled, cheeks puffing up as he looked at you. You both were in the convenience store again, looking for a late-night snack amidst your endless studying for finals.

“Yeah, just thinking what to get,” he replied, following you around as you scoured the aisles. You kept whipping your head back and forth, scanning each item meticulously as you thought about what you were craving. Absentmindedly, you rubbed your tummy over your hoodie, pouting slightly. 

“I dunno what to get either. Should I get a drink too? ‘M kinda thirsty.” You hummed, pinching a drink pouch between your fingers as you examined the flavors. Sunghoon watched as you looked around. He suddenly reached out to give you a green grape flavored drink pouch. You looked at him, confused but still smiling.

“Thanks, Hoon, but I don’t really like green grape.”

What?

Sunghoon furrowed his eyebrows, confused. “Really? You don’t like green grape?” His tone was wavering, and you were puzzled. He sounded so torn up about the fact that you didn’t like green grape.

“Are you a green grape superfan, Hoon?” You laughed, reaching for the lychee pouch instead. Sunghoon’s face remained confused, his eyebrows knitted and lips twisted up into a weird pout. He shook his head, making you laugh.

“You’re so weird sometimes, Hoon…” you said, giggling as you picked up an ice cup. Sunghoon followed you, still perplexed as you continued to pick your late-night meal.

Because you loved green grape and hated lychee.

He remembered when you told him about how you hated lychee. It was too sweet, but green grapes were just right for you— a perfect balance of sour and sweet in a small fruit. He remembered laughing at you about it, teasing you for being so nitpicky with your fruit, so why were you here eyeing every sweet fruit flavored pouch?

Your fingers skimmed across all of the ramyeon cup noodle packages, your head tilting as you tried to find the perfect one. Sunghoon was still behind you, but his footsteps became slower and more mechanic as his brain was racing. “What about this flavor?” Sunghoon picked up your favorite, Carbonara Buldak. You scrunched your noise and picked up the 2X Spicy Buldak instead.

“I like really spicy things, Hoon! The carbonara isn’t spicy enough for me!”

His mind was clipped, as if everything he had been thinking of suddenly disappeared. Sunghoon could excuse the change of majors— hell, his own major changed when he woke up in the past. But the few little things that he had grown to love were even changing in front of his own eyes.

“Ah? Really… this flavor is good too…” he mumbled, nearly incoherent. You laughed, furrowing your eyebrows before going to pay for your food. He followed behind, mindlessly tapping his card to pay for your things, his racing mind drowning out the sounds of your whined protests.

It was after that when Sunghoon began watching you closely.

During movie nights, you happily stole bites of Jake’s mint chocolate chip without even batting an eye, but you hated mint chocolate chip ice cream because your cousin threw it up on you when you were seven. You sucked at chemistry and nearly cried over memorizing all the molecular orbital structures, but now you could solve a retrosynthetic analysis question with a single glance, as if you were adding one plus one. You told him one late night walking back to the dorms that you became a nursing major because your mother was a nurse, but Sunghoon remembered his “future-mother-in-law” actually worked in an IT department, which led to your passion for computer systems.

This version of you didn’t scrunch your nose at sickly sweet candle scents anymore. This version of you didn’t like wearing cute pieces of jewelry that framed your body like an art piece. This version of you didn’t like dogs. This version of you hated rom-coms. This version of you wasn’t exactly his.

The more time Sunghoon spent in this world, the more wrong everything felt. You were still here, and that’s all that he believed he cared for. But everything felt wrong enough to keep him up at night, recounting all of the true memories he shared with you. This place looked like his world, his universe, but every day, more tiny differences revealed themselves like cracks in glass to the point where the fragile world that Sunghoon wanted to believe in was about to collapse.

You’re still Y/N. Sunghoon couldn’t deny that. But you didn’t feel like the same Y/N that he fell in love with sometimes. Still, he couldn’t stop himself from loving you again. Sunghoon could ignore the minor changes in your life if it meant having you all over again, right?

“You’re staring again.”

Sunghoon blinked, immediately looking away from you across the table. Where was he again…? He glanced around, taking in his surroundings that was the study area on the first floor of your dorm building. Sunghoon briefly looked at the multitude of formulas you had written on the whiteboard of the small room before directing his gaze back at you.

“I am not,” he muttered.

“Soo we’re lying now…?” you laughed, spinning the whiteboard marker between your fingers. “You always stare at me, Hoon. Do you know that? It’s like you know something I don’t… like you know everything, or something, or whatever… You’re so suspicious sometimes….” Sunghoon shrugged awkwardly and looked back down at his laptop screen.

“It’s not that, promise. You’re just hard to look away from,” he mumbled before he could stop himself, the reply coming easily to him. It was something that he used to tell you all the time.

Your face flushed immediately, and Sunghoon felt warmth crawl up his own neck too. But unlike before, he didn’t panic under your gaze anymore. Sunghoon used to be scared of moving closer to you. Was it too bold to constantly sit next to you? To comfortably lean into your space as if it was his too? He was itching to have you be his again.

But over the past month, you had become comfortable around him too. Comfortable enough to lean against his shoulder during late-night bus rides. Comfortable enough to nab food off of his dining hall plates. Comfortable enough to text him first thing in the morning and last thing before sleeping. Comfortable enough that sometimes, when you laughed too hard, you’d instinctively grab onto his arm.

You’re too cruel. You were unknowingly becoming his again. But Sunghoon didn’t know what to think. All his mind could conjure was the question of how fast you could be his again– should he confess now? But instead, he continued to stare as you worked through your chemistry practice exam questions.

One evening, the three of you ended up stuck in the library until nearly midnight because Jake refused to finish his Calc assignment anywhere else. Sunghoon had long stopped pretending to study. Instead, he watched you again. He couldn’t care less if you thought he was staring again. To be fair, you were half-asleep beside him, cheek squished against your folded arms while pretending to read anatomy notes. It’s not like you could exactly call him out when you were on the verge of passing out.

Your highlighter slipped from your fingers. Sunghoon picked it up before it rolled off the table. Your eyes fluttered open tiredly. “…Thanks,” you mumbled softly. Even exhausted, you looked beautiful. A dangerous tenderness spread through his chest so intensely that it almost scared him. He felt like he was falling harder this time, especially knowing how you both would end up anyways.

“Sunghoon.”

He blinked out of his thoughts. You were staring at him again, your hooded lids fighting to stay open to look at him properly. “Yes?” He replied softly, not wanting his loud voice to puncture you out of your sleep-filled daze.

“You were zoning out...” You frowned slightly, your voice slurring slightly from how exhausted you were. “You’ve been doing that a lot lately.”

Every time he looked at you for too long, memories overlapped. You laughing in the library became you laughing in your apartment kitchen. You falling asleep beside him at a study table became you sleeping on his chest during thunderstorms. Your warm fingertips caressing his soft cheeks before leaning in to press your lips against his–

Sometimes the timelines blended together so badly he forgot which version of you he was seeing. But Sunghoon couldn’t say that, so instead he lied, “I’m okay.”

You looked unconvinced. Then, after a moment, your hand slowly slid across the table toward his. It was a decision that you carefully made– Sunghoon could tell by the way you suddenly spaced out and looked left to right as if physically weighing the choices between touching and not touching him. It was barely anything– a pebble of physical touch that pebbled in comparison to the boulders of love that he used to share with you. It was just your pinky lightly touching his, tentative and careful. You looked shy immediately after doing it, eyes darting away. But Sunghoon felt love blossom in his chest nonetheless.

“…You don’t have to tell me if something’s wrong,” you murmured. “But I hope you know you don’t have to deal with everything alone.” The warmth of your skin against his nearly killed him.

Fuck, so what if some things changed? You were still you in every universe. So kind and gentle and always reaching for him, noticing almost intuitively when Sunghoon was about to lose himself. He carefully hooked his pinky around yours under the table, sending you a reassuring and small grin. Your breath caught slightly, not expecting him to so confidently touch you back.

Jake looked up from his homework. “…Am I interrupting something,” he deadpanned, already knowing the answer despite still asking.

“No,” both of you answered immediately. Jake narrowed his eyes, but didn’t reply. He just let out a quiet sigh before going back to scribbling on his iPad again. You finally closed your eyes to go back to sleep, a subtle and content smile lingering on your lips. Your pinky was still tightly interlocked with his while your other arm relaxed.

Maybe the universe had rewritten details. So what your majors changed or your histories changed? Who cares if this wasn’t his original life?

Because all that mattered to Sunghoon was that you still found your way back to him anyway.

“Hey Hoon!”

Jay entered the dorm in a ruckus, hissing as his guitar case nearly slammed the doorframe and cursing when he stubbed his foot against the wooden plank of the actual door. Sunghoon rushed to hold the door open for his roommate, wincing as Jay slammed his backpack to the ground.

“You okay, Jay? I haven’t seen you in awhile.” Sunghoon took note of the slightly older boy’s appearance. He looked disheveled, with eyebags accessorizing his face and sunken-in cheeks.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve just been busy looking for internships and studying for finals— shit— and these networking events are kicking my ass. They’re like, ‘oh, you need at least 3 years of experience!’ But it’s a fucking entry-level position!” He ranted. Sunghoon smiled softly at the familiar ramblings— at least Jay didn’t change.

“What a tough life you live, Jay.” Sunghoon sighed.

Jay dropped face-first onto his bed with a loud groan, one arm dangling off the side dramatically. “I’m serious, Hoon. If one more recruiter tells me to ‘circle back next semester,’ I’m actually gonna lose it.”

Sunghoon huffed out a quiet laugh from his desk, spinning a mechanical pencil between his fingers. He had chemistry notes spread out in front of him, though he hadn’t processed a single word in the last couple of hours. His brain had been occupied by you since the moment he woke up. “Whatcha doin, man? Homework?” Jay peered over the railings of his bed to look down at Sunghoon’s desk. The younger boy ran his fingers through his silky hair, tilting his head.

“Yeah, just reading the textbook for my Chem discussion. I’m not going to lie, I don’t really understand anything right now…” Sunghoon laughed. The side of Jay’s lips crooked up into a teasing smirk, like he knew something that the other boy didn’t.

“Oh? Chem discussion, huh?”

“What does that mean?” Sunghoon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Jay wriggled his eyebrows suggestively, licking at his bottom lip in a weird display that made Sunghoon squirm with discomfort.

“OKAY, don’t tell Jake that I told you this but… he’s been texting me about you and Y/N…” Jay let out, sounding exasperated as if he just lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. Sunghoon raised an eyebrow. He didn’t expect Jay to say this to him, but he was sure that Jake was telling at least some other person about the rapid development of friendship between you and Sunghoon.

“Really? What is he saying?” Sunghoon acted nonchalant, trying to appear relaxed to coax Jay into spilling more. Jay looked around briefly, biting his lip before leaning in closer.

“Okay, basically.. he’s saying that you and Y/N have been hanging out a lot like— one-on-one without him…” Jay excitedly rolled. Sunghoon nodded. “But you know how Jake is– he tried asking Y/N about you and she thought he was acting weird because he sucks at being subtle… so can I ask you about it? Like, are you guys talking or…” The silver-haired boy trailed off awkwardly, waiting for Sunghoon to finish his question.

The raven-haired male tilted his head. “Uhm… I guess so…” he sheepishly replied. What else was he supposed to say? “Nah, I’m actually trying to get my girlfriend back after she died in another universe???”

“I’m happy for you man, really.” The sincerity in Jay’s voice was almost worrisome.

“Oh, uh, thanks, Jay…” Sunghoon smiled awkwardly, unsure how to respond to the genuine pride that Jay had carried in his tone. The silver-haired man nodded, seemingly content before rolling back into bed. But seriously, what the hell did he mean by Chem discussion?

“I never expected you to make the first move, honestly. I heard from Jake that you were the one who initiated your first hangout together, right?” Jay spoke, his eyes glued to the ceiling that had white paint falling off the bone. Sunghoon hummed in agreement, but was getting impatient. Couldn’t Jay get to the point already? “Man, I remember when you first talked about her to me. They grow up so fast,” he continued to ramble, his speech slurring as sleep began hitting him. Sunghoon furrowed his eyebrows. When did he ever talk to him about you?

“Jay, I think I just met the love of my life in Chem discussion!”

Sunghoon froze. He shot up in his seat, nearly tripping as he ran to the side of Jay’s bunk. His fingers curled into the railings protruding from the frame of the bed, his warm skin cooling against the frigid metal material. “What? Jay, what? When did I tell you this?” He rapid-fired at the older boy. Jay yawned, rubbing his eyes.

“Remember? When school started? You went to Chem discussion annoyed with the readings and came back like a lovestruck idiot.”

“What? When school started back in August, Jay?” Sunghoon sputtered out. Jay nodded with another yawn.

“Yeah, man, remember? You woke up so annoyed about all the readings you did, but when you came back you were like, head-over-heels. You said it was love-at-first sight.” Jay snorted quietly at the memory, rubbing sleepily at his eyes. “Dude, it was actually kinda insane. You came back to the dorm and wouldn’t shut up about her.”

Sunghoon stared at him, pulse beginning to pound against his ribs.

“…What did I say?” he asked carefully.

Jay grinned immediately, already amused by the memory. “You were acting crazy, man. Like genuinely gone.” He pushed himself up slightly on his elbows. “Jay, I think I just met the prettiest girl ever. Jay, I think I’m in love. Jay, she smiled at me and I forgot what I was saying!” He exclaimed, trying to imitate Sunghoon’s unique tone.

“You’re exaggerating,” Sunghoon muttered weakly, but his head was slowly began to pound with the thought of him gushing about you before he met you. As if his consciousness existed before he woke up in the past.

“Swear, I’m not.” Jay laughed. Sunghoon’s stomach twisted. “You told me she sat two rows ahead of you during discussion, that she had these little charms hanging off her pencil case, that she kept pushing her hair behind her ear while talking to her discussion group—” He suddenly paused, staring at Sunghoon suspiciously. “Wait, why are you acting like you don’t remember this?”

Sunghoon’s throat tightened immediately. He didn’t. This wasn’t the right beginning or the right way of meeting you. He could’ve excused the minor changes about your preferences, discrepancies in your life, but now there were too many that his head couldn’t keep up. And now, your entire story was beginning to collapse in front of his eyes, through his ears, even if he wasn’t there to experience it.

“I dunno,” he lied quickly. “I think I’m just tired. I– I have a headache…” Sunghoon stumbled to his side of the bed.

Jay looked unconvinced for a second before shrugging. “Well, anyway, after that you started acting weird as hell,” he continued.

“Weird how?”

“You kept dressing up for Chem discussion.” Jay barked out a laugh. “Like suddenly you cared about your appearance. You asked me if your hair looked okay before class.”

Sunghoon nearly recoiled in horror. “I would never ask you that. I always look good.”

Jay furrowed his eyebrows, but barked back accusingly, “You did. And then after discussion ended, you’d come back looking all devastated because you never talked to her.”

Sunghoon’s chest ached strangely. He felt as if he could picture it so vividly. Him sitting in chemistry discussion secretly staring at you. Getting nervous. Fixing his hair in the reflection of his phone screen. Trying to work up the courage to speak to you. Falling in love slowly and naturally without grief or death or memories of a future that already happened clouding every rational thought in his brain.

Jay continued rambling, oblivious to the way Sunghoon’s expression had begun to fall. “And then one day Jake mentioned his hometown friend named Y/N and you literally interrupted him mid-sentence.” Jay laughed harder now, fully awake from recounting the story. “‘Wait— Y/N? Nursing major? Chem discussion on Thursdays?’ Dude, your face was priceless.”

Sunghoon felt sick. He didn’t know you were a nursing major until that fateful night he had seen you in the library. “Oh my god, dude I feel like I’ve been holding this in. Remember the first time you guys talked?” Sunghoon’s heartbeat was thudding loudly in his ears, and he’s sure that they were about to ring. He remained silent, and Jay took it as a sign to keep rambling.

“You said she asked to borrow an EXPO marker during discussion because hers was out of ink or something.” He snorted. “You kept replaying the conversation like a loser, saying that her voice was like descending from the angels.

Sunghoon’s grip tightened around the railing of Jay’s bunk. He agreed, but he wouldn’t ever verbalize is like that so shamelessly. He honestly thought saying something like that was a little corny, and then the realization began to sink in.

He wouldn’t say that. No, not him. Another version of him.

It was then when it dawned about Sunghoon. God, he hadn't even considered the possibility that another version of him existed before he became conscious. But that meant something that Sunghoon didn't even want to even think about considering– some empty timeline where he had conveniently slotted himself into a vacant life, or where he went back into the past two years with just a few butterfly effects changing the outcomes. This universe already had a Park Sunghoon who liked you before future Sunghoon ever woke up here. And Sunghoon had stolen it.

Jay kept talking, unaware of the devastation crawling across Sunghoon’s face, like a spider mapping out its web of a trap. “Then.” Jay cackled. “You literally flopped face-first onto your bed and said– hold on, I remember this exactly–” It seemed like talking about you energized him or woke him up, because he cleared his throat dramatically, trying to imitate Sunghoon’s voice again.

“Jay, I’m actually gonna marry her.’”

Sunghoon’s breath hitched. He had said that before, two years into the future, when he was drunk off two bottles of Original Soju as he was eating barbeque with a much more mature Jay and a burnt-out Jake. He had never brought up marriage before until that night, a few days after you guys moved into your apartment together.

But apparently, this version of him had said it too before any of that happened, even with only knowing your name and that you were Jake’s friend.

Was loving you inevitable in every universe?

Jay blinked suddenly, his teasing grin faltering slightly as he finally noticed how pale Sunghoon looked. “…Hoon?” Sunghoon looked away quickly, swallowing hard. “You okay?”

No. No, he really wasn’t.

Because Sunghoon’s entire world and entire universe was collapsing. His fate was twisting, and the red string that threaded it together was tangling within itself. Was the universe fucking with him now? After giving him so much hope with your presence in his life after losing you? What’s the point of him going back in time if not to reclaim his love story?

Because now, it felt like he was interrupting someone else’s.

“It’s snowing!”

Your voice was cheery, lilted so lightly that it instantly spread a feeling of warmth across Sunghoon’s body despite the cold air penetrating through his heavy puffer. You were both outside the library, about to trek to the convenience store when the sudden weather inclement put a hole through your plans. Delicate snowfall began raining upon the campus, fluttering down beautiful in a flashy array of flakes.

“It is,” he acknowledged, following after your hyper footsteps that began tracing a circle in the translucent sheet of snow that had already fallen onto the ground. You ran around, whooping and cheering as you basked in the icy sensation of snowflakes landing on your skin. Sunghoon could only watched, endeared by how excited and energized you suddenly were.

Suddenly, you ran up to him, burying your open fingers under his arms and around his waist. He laughed, caught off-guard by your abrupt hug, stumbling back a little. “What’s with you, hm?” He softly crooned, wiping your hair out of your face. You smiled up at him, eyes shining despite the overheard dark sky looming over you.

“It’s so pretty, Hoon! I didn’t think it’d snow this year!” You cheerfully exclaimed, eyes curling into crescents as your mouth parted with the sheer excitement coursing through your body. He pulled you in closer on instinct, and you let out a small “oomph!” from the impact of your bodies colliding into a tighter embrace.

“You know what they say, Hoon? If confess during the first snowfall, your love will last forever!” You spoke up. Your speech was murmured, but Sunghoon had heard every word perfectly.

“Yeah? Do you believe in that?” He looked at you fondly. You nodded.

“Sunghoon, I like you so much, let’s go out!”

His mouth fell agape as your confession rang through the snow air. You looked horrified immediately after, but Sunghoon had pulled you in impossibly closer, tight enough to where you almost couldn’t breathe. “Hoon,” you whimpered miserably, hiding your face inside your scarf. “This is so embarrassing…”

“You like me?” he breathed out incredulously before bursting out into laughter. Snowflakes landed in his dark hair as he laughed, falling off as quickly as they came from how hard his body was shaking.

“You’re so mean!” you accused.

“I’m not laughing at you,” he insisted between breaths.

“Then why are you laughing?!”

“You’re just so cute,” Sunghoon confessed, his voice so tender and blossoming with the unsurmountable affection he had for you. “I like you too,” he admitted softly, “ever since I saw you in the dining hall.”

You smiled, but when he blinked, suddenly he was in the middle of his apartment. The cold air dissipated, bringing in the warmth of the heater he left on in the living room. His arms were still wrapped around something, no, someone. No.

Nothing.

His hands clenched around empty air, and the snowfall transformed into the city lights outside of the apartment windows. Your scarf that was in between his fingertips disintegrated into the dust that he never cleaned. Your laughter was still ringing in his ears, so elated and bright and it was mingling with something so sharp jarring annoying–

His ringtone?

The sound grew louder and louder until it drowned out everything else, until your smiling face started blurring at the edges. You were still standing in front of him beneath the snow, cheeks dusted from the cold with flecks of flakes littering your face.

“Hoon?” you laughed softly. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

His phone kept vibrating.

“Hoon?”

The screen lit up across the dark apartment with an unknown number, and under the bold white digits in grey was the name of the university hospital. His breathing turned ragged instantly. His body moved before his brain could catch up, fumbling for the phone with trembling hands. But when he looked back up, you were still there. Snowflakes still landed in your hair. You were still smiling, cheeks puffed up and smile lines indenting your skin.

“I like you too,” he heard himself saying again, the memory replaying against his will. “Ever since I saw you in the dining hall.”

“Hoon?”

But this time your voice sounded farther away. His thumb shook over the accept button, and  when he pressed the green button, everything crashed together all at once, creating a collision in his mind. Your confession beneath the snowfall. Your wet toothbrush beside his in the apartment bathroom. Your warm hand in his while crossing the street. Your cold hand dangling under the white sheet in the morgue. Your voice whispering goodnight. The casket being lowered six feet deep in a hole that seemed too big for you.

Sunghoon doubled over violently, nearly dropping the phone as nausea twisted through him. It felt like someone had reached into his skull and ripped every memory apart before shoving them back in the wrong order. His head was pounding, throbbing violently as each memory churned in his head like butter. Then it curved into a dull ache, static on a television screen. 

“Is this Park Sunghoon?”

And just like that, the snow was gone, and the only cold he felt was the absence of your warm body.

“Sunghoon, you’ve been acting weird lately.”

“Oh, hm?”

Your face was suddenly in front of his, and you had a concerned pout on your lips. “You’ve been zoning out so much, it’s really worrying me… I know it’s just your personality, but you’ve been doing it so much…” You frowned, leaning forward, your shoulders hunching into your sides.

“I’m sorry– there’s– there’s just a lot going on…” He weakly replied. You let out a soft sigh.

“You know you can tell me anything, right? Me or Jake… I care for you a lot, you know. I hope you really know, Hoon…”

Sunghoon forced a tight-lipped smile and nodded. “I know,” he responded, his words sharper than intended. Your eyes were staring right into his, and before, Sunghoon would’ve felt the warmth. But now, all that he felt was the chills that Jay had instilled into his body. You stilled, before pulling away from the conversation, instead opting to grab your straw. Instinctively, he picked it up before you could, punching the plastic out of the wrapper and puncturing your drink for you.

“Oh, thanks Hoon. You really didn’t have to do that.” A sweet giggle escaped your lips, and the sound instantly grounded him.

“It’s not a big deal, let me do these things for you,” he easily said in response, the reply leaving his mouth naturally as it used to do.

“Sunghoon, do you act like this with everyone?” You suddenly asked. He looked at you, confused. “I mean– like, do you always act so sweetly towards everyone? Or is it just me…” you almost seemed embarrassed asking him this. 

“No, it’s just you?” He retorted, as if it was common sense that he would treat only you with the utmost care. Your face was warming up, and he could tell that you were flustered by his response.

“Really? So like, uhm, there’s no other girl that you’re, uhm… acting like this with, right?” Your voice was timid as you asked another question. Sunghoon scoffed, taken aback by how ridiculous your inquiry was. From the future and now in the past, you were the only girl for him, so why were you being so ridiculous now?

“Of course not,” he nearly snapped. He regretted it as soon as he saw your face falter and your posture shrink. No, what was he thinking? You didn’t know that. Of course you would ask. “I’m– I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me ba…” He trailed off as the nickname nearly slipped from his lips, so naturally that it was like calling you by your name. “Uhm, Y/N. I’m sorry. I think I’m just having a tough week. I promise you.”

You nodded, so patient as always, as you sipped on your drink. “It’s okay, Hoon. I hope things get better.” You smiled. He nodded, biting tentatively into the pastry. He didn’t like this cafe, and he knew that you didn’t like it either, but he didn’t want to ruin your first experience here. He half expected you to actually like the cafe if the past weeks were anything to go by, but he was pleasantly surprised when you instead scrunched your nose.

“This matcha is too milky…” You whispered. He smiled and nodded.

“Yeah? This pastry isn’t too good either. Wanna try?” He lifted up the dessert to your mouth, letting you take a bite right where he had previously taken one. You bit into it, lips curling into disgust.

“Should we just go and toss our stuff somewhere else? I don’t want to waste it, but it’s really not that good…” You whispered. Sunghoon laughed and nodded, holding out his hand. You hesitated, but took it, letting him lead you outside the cafe. You threw your drink and his pastry into the nearby trash can, just as you did before in Sunghoon’s original universe.

“Are you still thirsty? Should we get something from the convenience store instead?” He asked. You shook your head.

“No, I’m okay. Can we just walk a little?” You asked. Sunghoon nodded automatically.

You both began walking side-by-side down the sidewalk, your shoulders occasionally brushing together from how close you were. Autumn had left too soon, now bringing in the frigid weather of winter. The city was quiet, with everyone buried inside of their comforters during the early chilly morning. Some joggers and dog-walkers passed by, but it still only felt like you two were the only ones existing in that peaceful morning atmosphere. For a while, neither of you spoke. Sunghoon shoved a hand into the pocket of his coat while the other was still holding yours. He was trying not to stare at you again, but it was difficult when you were right there beside him, looking so soft beneath clouded skies.

“What I said back in the cafe… you’ve been treating me so differently,” you murmured suddenly. His stomach tightened.

“…Differently how?” He carefully asked back.

You slowed your pace slightly, looking down at the pavement. “I don’t know.” You laughed nervously. “You just… take care of me a lot. I remember when I first met you in Chem discussion, you were so shy. It was like you were scared of me. Then, you started crying in the library when you saw me… and now… it’s like you’re so much more mature than me… Does that make sense?”

“Is that bad?” he asked quietly.

“No– no, of course not. But, I don’t know Hoon. You stare at me… kinda weird,” the words carelessly slipped from your lips, and it was obvious with the way you let out a gasp and a flurry of apologies, before stumbling onto what you mean to say. “God, that’s not what I meant–! I meant… I don’t know. Like you take care of me so naturally, and you seem to already have a good sense of like–” you laughed nervously, rubbing at your face in embarrassment, “I don’t think you’re weird or anything, Hoon. I actually really like how caring you are.” Your voice softened at the end. “It’s just…” You slowed to a stop beneath the awning of a closed convenience store, your joined hands swinging slightly between your bodies.

Sunghoon turned toward you quietly, and you looked conflicted, with your mouth screwed and lips pressing up against each other so hard that the skin was jutting out uncomfortably. “Sometimes I think you’re so confident about knowing me that you forget there are still parts of me you don’t know yet? Is that too deep?” His chest tightened instantly, and he inhaled before he knew it, trying to regain the breath that you had just knocked out of him.

You kept talking before you lost the courage. “Like… you always know what I need before I say it. Like when I’m cold, when I’m tired, when I’m not feeling well…” You smiled faintly. “And it makes me really happy. It does.”

“But?” He pressed on, trying his best to hide his impatience.

“But sometimes it also feels like you’ve already decided who I am, in a way? Like, you seem to expect something differently than what I give you, Hoon. And sometimes…” you continued hesitantly, “I’ll say something that surprises you, and you get this look on your face like I said the wrong thing or something– and it’s kind of… okay, I’ll be honest, it’s kinda weird…” You laughed again, and the noise seemed like it was punched out of you like a soundboard.

“Like, you always try to guess what I like or what I don’t like or what I prefer– and at first I thought it was endearing, but it’s almost always wrong. And that’s fine, I guess. But sometimes you sound so confident that it’s– I dunno. That’s why I asked if there was another girl. Like, I don’t know, are you thinking of someone else?” You breathed out.

No, no, no, never. He always thought of you. He could never stop thinking about you. He inhaled and opened his mouth, wanting to defend himself, but you sputtered out something else so rushed like you were forcing it out of your throat, “I– I really want you to know me, Hoon.”

Sunghoon wanted to throw up. He had spent so much time trying to preserve the memory of the girl he lost that he had started overlooking the girl standing right in front of him. His skin was itching with the lovebugs crawling up it. He felt selfish. And suddenly, the image of him, nerdy and lanky and gushing to Jay with a flush on his pale cheeks struck his mind, hitting him bluntly on his noggin.

His fingers loosened around your hand before tightening again like he was afraid you’d disappear if he let go completely. You looked nervous after your confession, eyes darting away from your intertwined hands immediately. “Sorry,” you laughed weakly. “That sounded way harsher than I meant it to.”

“No,” Sunghoon answered as soon as you stopped speaking, his voice coming out rough. “No, you’re right.” Your eyebrows furrowed slightly. He looked away before he could see your expression fully. “You’re right,” he repeated quieter this time. 

I really want you to know me. Not her. No. You? This version of you, the one standing beside him now. He looked at you, but was met with the sight of your side profile. The side profile that belonged to the same woman who he met at the dining hall, who moved in with him, who cooked him soup in the shared kitchen when he fell sick– memories hit him so violently he almost staggered, and he couldn’t tell where the lines were anymore.

Your favorite drink, your laugh, your habits. Were they yours? Hers? Was he loving you because you were you, or because he was desperately trying to keep the you that he remembered, alive?

Sunghoon felt sick. He felt saliva rapidly rise under the muscle of his tongue, and he kept swallowing and swallowing to keep it down. He felt like he was going to throw up.

“Hoon?” Your voice softened instantly at the sight of his face. Concern replaced your apprehension immediately. 

“You don’t have to apologize,” he muttered. You blinked. “You were honest.” He swallowed hard, nearly gasping for air as he opened his mouth to speak. “I think… I needed to hear it.” Your expression slowly softened, though puzzlement still lingered behind your eyes. Sunghoon stared down at the pavement.

For the first time since waking up two years in the past, his brain turned to mush, soft enough to let a thought penetrate his mind that he had been avoiding. Was loving you here ever supposed to be about getting his old life back with you? What was he here for? Images of him– not him, the him that you knew, came crawling back into his neurons.

Things wouldn’t have been like this if he had come. You and the right Sunghoon could’ve been where he was. The guilt began creeping down his throat and accumulating in his chest, weighing down his lungs with every shortened breath he took in.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, though he wasn’t sure who he was apologizing to anymore. To you? To the girl he loved in the future? To himself? Or the other version of himself that he was living through?

You shifted slightly beside him, worry crossing your expression. “Hoon…? Sunghoon…?” You quietly spoke up, hesitant as your palm gently brought itself up to cup his cheek. He instinctively leaned into your warmth, but squirmed as his face rested in his palm. The ink of his guilt began to spread further as if his body was just dipped into water. He tightened his grip on your hand again on instinct, but it felt wrong, like was still trying to anchor himself into an ocean with waves that were too crashing upon each other.

“I didn’t…” his voice broke. “I didn’t mean to–” He couldn’t even finish the sentence. What was he trying to say? What was he even freaking out for, apologizing for? Because as much as he wracked his brain, he couldn’t grasp onto an answer still. For loving you wrong? For loving another version of you? For erasing you because you were right here, all alive and happy and oblivious? Sunghoon exhaled sharply, almost choking on it.

His hand finally loosened. “…I’m sorry,” he said again, but softer this time. You gently stroked his face with your thumb.

“Hoon, please don’t cry on me again.” You tried to lighten the mood. His eyes were shimmering with tears that built up in his ducts, but he simply shook his head, whispering out another apology.

“I’m not okay,” he admitted finally. You flinched, and the honesty honestly surprised him too, but you didn’t pull away. You just continued to comfort him, just as you always would. No. Sunghoon closed his eyes for a second. He shouldn’t think like this anymore. When he opened them again, he was looking at you. Just you, standing there, as you were.

“I think…” His voice cracked slightly, so he paused, forcing air back into his lungs. “I think I’ve been… confusing things.” Your expression softened, but you didn’t interrupt. “I thought I came back to something I lost,” he continued vaguely, “But I think I’ve just been standing in front of someone I never took the time to understand.”

His feelings felt like it finally had somewhere to go, not onto you, or even to him, but somewhere where Sunghoon couldn’t reach. It felt freeing, unraveling a tight knot of emotions that he didn’t have the energy to release before. Your hand lowered, as if drawn to pull off of his face. He let go of your other hand, finally loosening his grip.

“So then let me help you,” you whispered. His heart dropped. “Hoon…” Your voice trembled slightly now, heavy with the weight of the emotions pulsating between the both of you. “I know you’re confused right now, but I–"

He already knew what you were going to say, because you had the same hopeful look on your face that fateful winter night when you confessed under the snowfall. And before, selfishly, he would’ve let you. He would’ve let you pour out his feelings to him, accept them as easy as reciting ABC, and live without the burdens of the future weighing him down.

But this time, the words felt too important to take from you and from the other him that had been waiting for you.

“…Don’t,” he whispered. The hurt on your face was immediate, and he had to will himself to not take back his words. “No, no– not like that,” he corrected quickly, voice cracking. “I just… I don’t think I’m ready to hear it yet.” Snowy breath escaped your lips slowly into the cold air. “You deserve someone who can listen to you properly,” he said quietly. “Someone who can know you for who you are now. And I don’t think…” He inhaled shakily. “I don’t think I’ve been doing that.”

“Hoon…” You softly spoke up, but he interrupted you as soon as your mouth opened.

“I want to,” he admitted immediately. “I really do.” He wasn’t lying. Every part of him still wanted to hear you confess, to keep you close, to selfishly pretend like nothing was wrong. But loving you like this was beginning to feel cruel, so instead, he took a small step back.

“Will you…” He paused. “Will you meet me again another time?”

Your expression crumpled slightly in confusion. “When?” You whimpered. Sunghoon pondered for a moment, before he felt like he found the right answer.

“When I’m finally able to see only you.” He smiled. He had walked you back to your dorm, letting the silence loom over the both of you. He left you with an adjustment to your scarf and an endearing pat on your head.

That night, when he slept, he dreamt of your funeral.

The sky had been gray that day, with cumulonimbus clouds blocking any trace of sun. Just as your death had obstructed the access to the light of his life. People were crying around him. Jake had been sobbing openly beside Jay, shoulders shaking violently as he kept wiping at his face with trembling fingers, but Sunghoon remembered standing there completely still.

He hadn’t believed it yet.

Even as your framed photograph sat in front the altar. Even as your parents bowed their heads. Even as people whispered about how young you were. Even when he received consolations from everyone, telling him about how much you loved him. He remembered thinking absurdly as he stared at your altar.

How could you look so happy when his entire world had just ended?

The question echoed through the dream as Sunghoon stood frozen before your altar. Then slowly, memory after memory began surfacing around him. The first night you basked in your love after moving into your apartment, cuddling together so tightly that separating you guys would’ve been like pulling magnets apart. The night where you comforted him after his research symposium when he felt like he was the biggest failure in the world. The mundane moments where you laughed at him after burning rice and the soft moments where you whispered “I love you” so much that it was like you were reaching a quota.

The memories came so quickly that they stopped hurting individually. Instead, they melted together into something warm and alive. And suddenly, Sunghoon understood something he had been too devastated to realize before, that your death wasn’t the biggest thing about you. Your life was.

Not the funeral or grief, but just you as you were. The way you smiled, laughed, cried, and loved. The way you existed so brightly that even now, after death, you still filled every corner of him. Tears finally slipped down his face in the dream, but he wasn’t drowning in them anymore.

And standing there in the stuffy funeral home, Sunghoon quietly laughed to himself. “You’d be so mad that everyone’s crying this much,” he murmured. And he could hear the echoes of your voice scolding him for being so torn up when he should be moving onto better things because he was so young (just as you were.) The thought made him smile through his tears. Your memory no longer felt like a wound splitting open inside him. It felt like hands pressed gently around his heart. 

And when Sunghoon finally opened his eyes, he was no longer standing in the funeral home. He was home, in his apartment. Morning light filtered weakly through the curtains, warm gold spilling across hardwood floors and untouched, uncleaned furniture. The silence was familiar now. It wasn’t as sharp and reverberating against emptiness like it used to be, but quiet in the way winter mornings were quiet.

For a long moment, he just layed on the couch. The blanket you used to complain about because it “shed fuzz everywhere” was still draped over his body. One of your hair ties still sat around his wrist from weeks ago. The apartment still carried traces of you in every corner, soft remnants of a life that had once intertwined with his so naturally that even death couldn’t fully unravel it. Sunghoon slowly sat up after a while. For the first time since you died, the ache in his chest did not immediately make him want to chase after you. It only made him miss you.

A framed photo caught his eye from across the room. A snippet of a beach date where you both were smothered in sand and shattered seashells. He remembered that day now without feeling like his ribs were caving inward. He remembered it and smiled.

The sunlight continued pouring into the apartment little by little, warming spaces that had long felt frozen over. Sunghoon looked toward the empty side of the couch beside him. Then quietly, he whispered your name into the stillness, but for the first time, it wasn’t a plea to the Heavens. 

Winter took you from him, and Sunghoon spent the cold months treating his grief like something sacred, afraid that healing meant betraying you. But Spring came quietly, melting ice from sidewalks and blooming flowers through the cracks, and he finally learned that acceptance didn't mean loving you less.

You’ve been having strange dreams lately.

They felt so vivid, so clear to your vision that it felt like you could reach out and touch them. In these dreams, Jake’s cute nerdy friend, Sunghoon, was in them. He was in all of them, actually.

Visions of Sunghoon and you, on a date sipping on cola floats together. Visions of you both curled up in the library cubicle, giggling and sharing secrets instead of being productive. But oddly enough, he wasn’t wearing his thick-rimmed glasses and features grew into a more mature version, with a stronger jawline and deeper eyes. In these dreams, you could see the warmth in his eyes, hear the sounds of his soft laughter, and feel the intimacy of his affection.

Sometimes, the dreams were absurdly specific. Like mundane captures of you both arguing in the grocery store over what meat to buy, snapshots of an apartment you’ve never stepped foot in, and images that you don’t remember taking.  Sometimes, the dreams hurt. They echoed with the sound of anguished cries that made your chest ache when you woke up, made you feel empty like something was hollow from inside and like you were missing something that mattered so dearly yet you couldn’t remember. 

All he was to you was a boy in your Chem discussion and Jake’s close friend, so why did your dreams think differently, as if he was the most important person in your life?

You went to the library one night with Jake, and Sunghoon came later, only to end up crying as soon as he saw you. And for some reason, your heart signaled to your mind that, maybe he was, for some reason, because your chest began to ache with an odd sense of familiarity and endearance. So, it was only natural that you began to form a crush on him. But sometimes, your feelings felt deeper than just a mere crush, as if your feelings had roots that stretched somewhere your thoughts couldn’t reach.

You began hanging out with Sunghoon so much that you barely saw Jake anymore. Not that the Australian boy complained– after all, he was too busy trying to survive whatever war engineering majors had to go through that he didn’t even have time to hang anymore. But the more frequent your hangouts were, the more frequent the dreams were. You dreamt of tiny domestic things, like him stealing bites of your food and folding laundry terribly while you laughed at him. Falling asleep on his shoulder during movie nights. Listening to him hum quietly in the kitchen while making late-night ramen.

Eventually, you stopped trying to suppress what your heart already accepted. You liked him. (Maybe too much for someone you technically barely knew.)

So when the wintry season hit its peak, you saw Sunghoon again after texting him to meet you near the cafe where he initially rejected you. You both still hung out, but after that morning when you failed to confess properly, he seemed different. He looked lighter and full of life. Before, he seemed like a shell that was carrying an invisible burden that you couldn’t begin to understand. But now, he acted naively, as if there was nothing in the world that could dare drag him down.

“Hoon?” you called softly. He turned toward you immediately, expression warming the second he saw you approach. He smiled widely and adjusted his glasses. It was obvious he took some time to look good, with his hair styled up and his fashion seemingly taken from another closet. (Jay’s, you presumed. You heard his roommate had good fashion taste.)

“Hey, Y/N! Why did you want to meet me here?” He asked cheerfully.

You smiled as your fingers tightened around the straps of your bag before you finally blurted, “I’ve been having dreams about you.” His expression froze, and his eyebrows knitted together so adorably. You swallowed hard as you continued abruptly, realizing how bad that could’ve sounded. “Not wet dreams– shit, I mean, like– They’re weirdly specific. Like… really specific.” You laughed awkwardly. “Like dreams of us. Together. Dating…” You shyly trailed off.

Sunghoon stared at you silently, kindly waiting for you to finish as he listened intently.  “And sometimes,” your voice softened, “they’re sad.” Something flickered painfully across his face. You continued carefully, “In one of them, you were crying. Really badly.” Your chest tightened at the memory. “And I remember thinking that I wanted to comfort you more than anything, like that day you cried to me in the library…”

The breeze carried the scent of frost between you both. Sunghoon’s eyes began glossing over as he watched you, looking conflicted and a bit more confused. “I don’t really understand why this is happening.” You smiled faintly despite your nerves. “So…” You laughed softly.

“Maybe this is crazy, but I think I like you, Park Sunghoon. Do you want to go out with me?” You shyly asked. His mouth fell agape as his eyes widened.

“You– You like me? Like me, as in Park Sunghoon?” He sputtered out in disbelief, pointing a gloved hand at himself. You giggled and nodded.

“Yes, you idiot,” you laughed, cheeks warming from how genuinely stunned he looked. “How many Park Sunghoons do you think I know?” You teased, tilting your head to the right. His lips parted as stutters spilled from them unintentionally. And then, to your complete shock, his eyes immediately began watering.

“H-Hoon?” you gasped. “Oh my god, are you crying again?!”

“A– Again? When did I– snnfffh– When did I ever cry in front of you?” He choked out, sniffling away the snot that began to run down his philtrum, his voice cracking into two. He ripped his glasses off quickly, furiously wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. You burst into laughter at how offended he sounded despite the tears visibly collecting on his lashes. Sunghoon groaned softly under his breath, embarrassed, before hiding his face behind one hand.

“This is so humiliating,” he muttered miserably, “Yes– God, a million times yes– I want to go out with you. Please go out with me,” his voice curved into a plea. You giggled, slotting your body into his to form a warm lock of an embrace.

You looked up at him, and it began to snow.

PARK JONGSEONG is busy lecturing you about your messed up sleep schedule. it started off as a cute scenario, a caring boyfriend gently reminding you to take better care of yourself— with you on his lap and his hands gliding softly through your hair. but that soon turned into a lecture by one of your comments, “okay, dad”, was something he was definitely not looking for.

“you can’t keep staying up so late, it’s not good for you,” jay says, his voice soft but firm. “you need to take better care—”, actually now, the lecture is too much. you sit up straight in his lap and kiss the corners of his lips, cutting him off. jay's eyes widen, completely caught off guard by you, but he still leans in for another kiss, hands wrapping around your waist.

“okay, okay, i get it. but this lecture was boring,” you say with a smile, your forehead resting against his, “i'll get to bed soon.”

“now, that's better,” jay chuckles, placing a kiss on your forehead, “but did you just call me boring?”

SIM JAEYUN jealousy is a disease, and you hope your boyfriend gets well soon. the darkest of clouds overshadows his face as he watches you chatting away with a male friend from across the room. the drink beside him is left untouched, still and too cold. this evening is a lot to take for him now.

when you finally return to his side, he huffs, crossing his arms. “do you really have to be so friendly with everyone?” you sigh, trying to keep your patience. “jake, it was just a harmless conversation.”

“harmless? he was clearly flirting with you,” jake mutters, his jealousy evident, staring down the said guy across the room, who probably doesn't know your boyfriend is planning on his downfall, “does he think he can steal you away from me—?”

on your tiptoes, you deliver jake a chaste kiss on his lips, his hands instinctively wrapping around you as the kiss deepens, and melts him away. the other guy is not important now. “i'm only yours, jake,” you smile at him.

“fuck, baby, that was so hot, do it again,” he chuckles, cupping your face as he bites his lower lip in a teasing smile, “this time let's kiss infront of him.”

PARK SUNGHOON is mid laugh, just a moment ago he was enjoying his time teasing and making fun of you and your antics, and no matter how much you'd pout and swat at his forearms, it's of no use. he goes on to imitate your pout and whines anyways, and pulls you back in his embrace whenever you try to leave, continuing this activity.

“you're so fun to mess with!”, sunghoon laughs, his arms wrapping lazily around your shoulder as he leans against the sofa, “look at you all pouty!”

“yeah i know, it's so funny, ’hoon,” you roll your eyes at him.

“aww, is my love all shy and irritated? am i disturbing you, hon—”, it's not that you hate this behaviour of him, it's just that it's too cute of him to imitate you, and never take your smallest, cutest gestures for granted. but right now, it's kind of disturbing, so you sling your arms around his neck and pull him in a sweet kiss. he immediately melts into it, leaning forward and pulling you into his lap, never letting go of your lips.

but when he does, that smug smirk is back on him, “damn,” he whispers. “it was just to shut you up, hoon,” you sigh.

“i know, i know, i think i have to tease you more often now.”

KIM SUNOO looks a little too ethereal right now, expressing his thoughts while the topic is something you hate— mint choco. you don't know how on earth he's still going on, but it's the way that he feeds you a little spoonful of mint choco from time to time, even though you try to gulp it in one go without cringing, and the way he smiles down at you— you're falling in love with him again.

“have you ever tried mint choco tteokbokki?,” sunoo smiles, pushing another spoonful of that filthy thing. 

“no, and i don't want to sunoo. it's gonna be really bad i can guess it,” you sigh and nod your head ‘no’, shifting closer to him. “what?!”, sunoo almost sounds offended, “it's the sweetest thing in the world—” 

and then you decide to lean forward and press your lips on him. a sweet kiss, the taste of mint choco still lingers on him but you don't mind. he pulls you closer, smiling into the kiss. 

“sweeter than my kiss?,” you ask, eyes forming little crescent moons when they meet his. 

“no,” sunoo chuckles, pressing a small kiss to your forehead, “your kiss is the sweetest in the world.”

YANG JUNGWON rolls his eyes at his phone screen, going through the photos of you and your friends together. one of them, who really bothers jungwon— with his arm slinging around your shoulder, his cheek a little too close to yours. 

jungwon throws the phone on the bed, “why is he trying to perceive you so bad like, you literally have a boyfriend?”, he acts extra sassy now, it must've really hit his nerve. 

“and he's the best!”, you laugh, giving him a quick hug, placing yourself on his lap. 

but jungwon isn't satisfied just by this, he needs a higher level of confirmation. “i should've been there with you too, that guy is really—” 

and you give him just that. you pull him in a long, chaste kiss as you giggle into it, and jungwon pulls you in closer to a warm embrace. 

you're the first one to pull away, “got rid of jealousy now?” 

“not yet,” he laughs, “i need to kiss you in front of him.”

NISHIMURA RIKI is hyperactive at times, to the point that he just can't stop talking rubbish with you. you love that part of him, eyes shining the brightest and cheeks flushed. but just not now. it's middle of the night, and you just want to get some sleep.

“..and like i told jake hyung about it, you know?”, riki’s enthusiasm is at its peak as he wraps his arms around your sleepy figure, “so what do you think?”, he grins.

“niks, i think we should sleep—”

“but this is also very—”, you don't give him a chance to finish, pressing a small kiss on his lips and turning to your side, finally dozing off to sleep, “good night, niki.”

niki couldn't process what just happened, so he jumps over to your side to meet your cute face, smothering it all over with little kisses, “hey, so uh i'm disturbing you again, can you kiss me again?”

“riki, go to sleep!”, you whine, yet a giggle comes out of you as he kisses you again.

a/n — not satisfied with this at all but i hope you guys enjoy this TT please do lmk your thoughts & feedbacks ^^ CLICK ME

© bywons, 2024. do not copy, translate or upload any of my works without my permission.

📌 :: PERM TAGLIST IS OPEN ( the tags are rebloged ! ) nets. @/k-labels @enchive

and you groan again while he continues to hold onto you stubbornly. he holds you even closer when you try to resist, a sigh falling off your lips as you seem to give up. “lunch is not going to make itself,”

“lunch can wait,” the words are muffled against your chest but you can hear him smiling. it’s only a few seconds until he looks up at you, stealing a quick peck before shooting you a grin. “let me hold you for a little longer, darling,”

JONGSEONG

he said it would be just a few kisses but it has been quite a while since you’ve been on jay’s lap, and his arms only seem to wrap tighter around you. you lift your head up from his shoulder, looking at him with a slight pout. “how long are you going to keep this up?”

“dunno, sweetheart,” he whispers against your lips, tilting his head to the other side to go in for a few feathery kisses on your cheeks and lips before looking at you longingly. “can’t seem to get enough of your lips today,”

and the club room is not the most ideal place to kiss since a student— or worse, a teacher— could walk in anytime. usually he’s the responsible one, making sure you two don’t get caught during your sneaky kisses and meetups between classes. however today, his mind is far away from thinking about anyone else but you.

“your new chapstick—” he speaks between the kisses, fingers drawing soft circles on your back as he pulls you closer. “is it cherry?”

you nod, one hand on his chest while the other on the back of his neck. “yep, i got it yesterday,”

“forgive me for taking up a little more of your time,” he chuckles, leaning in and capturing your lips in another kiss. he kisses you for longer this time, a bit slower, savouring the taste of your chapstick and the feeling of your lips moving against his. he pulls away reluctantly and lowly chuckles under his breath. “gosh, i can never get enough of you.”

JAEYUN

“sorry for being too clingy, angel,” he whispers, nuzzling his face deeper into the crook of your neck as his arms tighten around your waist, pulling you closer. “you’re so warm, it’s nice,”

“you’re always like this,” you giggle, reaching out to brush his hair with your fingers. it’s always nice to have him spooning you as if no worries exist and it’s just you, him and your bed in this entire world.

you feel his lips trailing over the back of your neck down to your shoulders, planting soft and tender kisses in their wake. it doesn’t take you much to melt in his embrace— just a few kisses with his arms around you usually do the job.

“i hope you don’t mind it,” he says with a quiet laugh, turning you slightly towards him to look at your face. “you’re my sweetheart, the love of my life. i can barely spend an hour without you,”

and all you do is laugh at his words, a sound so melodious that it makes his smile grow wider. jake shifts a little, propping himself on his elbow before leaning in and smothering your face in kisses and whispering sweet nothings in between, his heart fluttering at the sound of your giggles. 

“watching you being clingy is my favourite thing in the world,” you manage to speak between his endless kisses and pecks, cupping his cheeks tenderly. 

the smile never leaves his lips, only growing wider as he presses his lips against your cheeks and gives you a few pecks before his lips are back onto yours. “you are my favourite thing in this world,”

SUNGHOON

“don’t you dare move,” you freeze at his words, surprise evident on your face. he doesn’t give you a chance to speak, pulling you closer with your back pressing up against his chest. “you’re not going anywhere,”

it’s new, almost rare for sunghoon to be this clingy. usually, he prefers you sitting next to him, arms linked or fingers intertwined, your head on his chest with his head on yours, kissing it every few seconds. but this— his arms basically engulfing you from behind and making it hard for you to focus on the movie with the way his chin rests on your shoulder, breath tickling against your neck— is usual, and you like it. 

“let me go get more popcorn,” you stifle your laugh, gazing at him from the corner of your eyes. you try your best to sound convincing, even though his arms only wrap tighter around you. “i’ll be back in a minute,”

“i said, no,” he tries to sound firm, although you chuckle at how cute he sounds and looks, his lips pressed together, brows furrowed. he catches you looking at him and narrows his eyes at you before shaking his head, kissing your forehead. “you’re not going anywhere until i say so, princess,”

you end up laughing, giving up on your request and relax in his arms, leaning back completely against his chest. “you’re so cute when you’re clingy,”

sunghoon only hums with his face against the crook of your neck. you can feel him leaving a few kisses there before he looks up, kissing the top of your head, whispering softly. “you feel too good in my arms for me to let you go,”

SUNOO

the silence and dim lights in your room almost lull you into sleep, the warm comforter only making the process easier before you hear sunoo whisper in the dead of the night, although not long after you’ve come to bed to sleep. “come closer,”

your stay quiet in your position for a few seconds before shifting closer to your boyfriend, arms slithering around his waist. “you okay?” 

and it’s not really rare for sunoo to ask you to sit or lay close to him. in fact, he would trade anything to cuddle with you and have you all nice and snug against him. although, the fact that he likes his own personal space while sleeping stands false for now, because he pulls you even closer, your body basically pressed up against him completely. 

he nods, burying his face in your hair while his hands trace up and down on your back, his soothing touch making you smile at the sensation. “i just want to hold you,”

your smile only grows wider at his words and you swear your can feel the thumping of your heart that paces as he starts leaving fluttering kisses on your cheeks. “you can hold me as much as you want,”

it only takes him a few seconds before he pulls you even closer, positioning you on top of him and enjoying the way your head rests on his chest. his hand continues to caress your back while the other fixes the comforter over you two. “this is better,”

JUNGWON

“baby,” you hear his voice as soon as he enters through the door, quickly shuffling out of his shoes and making his way to you before wrapping you in his arms. “gosh, i’ve missed you, my love,” 

it’s cute, especially the way he’s almost lifting you off your feet while hugging, having you on your tippy toes. a few seconds in and he’s swaying you left and right, mumbling something against your shoulder that you can’t quite catch. “you’re squeezing me, wonie,”

“can’t help it,” he gives a quick response, lifting his head up slightly to look at you. it’s quiet for a few moments, just him admiring you as if taking in your face and remembering every little detail about it. you smile simply at the lack of words, finding his expression utterly sweet before he continues. “i missed you so so much. so damn much, you have no idea.”

you giggle at his words, poking his nose gently with your index finger, his arms holding you by your waist. “i think i do. those voice messages everyday give me a slight idea,”

he can’t help but laugh sheepishly, looking away briefly. it’s true he spammed you with texts and voice notes, and they were about everything— the weather, what they had for breakfast, the poor joke some member made or the way a cloud looked like you— everything.

“i’m never going on tours again,” he whispers between the quick kisses he plants all over your face, your eyes squinting at the act, something that, according to him, makes you look even more adorable. “too much for my heart,”

NI-KI

riki positions himself on top of you, basically burying you under himself on the couch and engulfing you in his embrace. it’s warm and nice— you can barely breath, trying to wriggle your way out before he mumbles against your shoulders. “stop moving,”

“i can’t breathe, ‘ki,” you manage to muffle out, your arms encircling around his much larger frame. he knows you are going to slip out from under him if he moves, probably laying on top of him— which he loves just as much as this, but laying on top of you is way more fun.

“so spoiled,” he grunts from your neck, although not moving for another few seconds before he shifts slightly and switches to a position where you can breathe properly. “better?”

you huff when he calls you spoiled as if reminding him of the postion you two were in. riki had practically begged for cuddles while you were working on a project, saying he’ll help you with it later. although, you two are more likely to end up sleeping in each other’s arms than getting up to work on the project.

if laying on top of you was not enough, he nuzzles his face even further in your neck as if he isn’t already close enough. you squint your eyes at him, poking his cheeks with your finger. “you are spoiled,” 

“well push me off yourself if you have a problem,” he says with a scoff, raising an eyebrow up at your silence. he wonders if you’re contemplating in silence, but when your arms wrap around him a bit more tightly, making him chuckle as he leans down to press his cheeks against yours. “thought so,”

Having enough human decency, he glanced at you briefly before turning the volume up and pretending not to hear you, an action you had grown accustomed to as it was in his nature to ignore everyone. Moving your hand to his headphones; you slid them off his head, brushing his soft hair against your fingers. Finally turning to look at you, you shot him a toothy smile. “Hi, ki.” You chirped, greeting him in your usual perky personality.

He mumbled what you assumed was a reply and lessened the volume of the music he was playing through his headphones. Moving back to his food, you watched him inhale half of his food at once, barely breathing between each bite.

You watched him without touching your own food, a grin growing on your face. Feeling your eyes on him, he stopped to look at you, angrily mumbling, “What now?”

“Want some of mine?” You motioned to your lunch, watching his face squint disapprovingly before shaking his head. “Eat your food.”

Huffing in irritation, you shot a playful glare in his direction causing a small smile to spread on his face. “Cute.” He mumbled, maintaining his aloof mask and looking out at the darkening sky.

At his request, you began eating and tried to hide the very visible tint on your cheeks by catching him up on your day which he never asked to hear but listened as you talked every day.

“Do you ever stop talking?” He cut in; eyes glued to his phone. “Only if you ask really nicely.” You teased, shooting your signature grin and glancing at him just in time to see him scoff.

“Where are you going after this?” You asked to fill in the silence, which was something you were used to when you were around him. “The skate park.” He mumbled.

“Can I come?” You piped up, turning to meet his hair that was blocking his face like a curtain would to a window. “No.” He replied, finally looking up at you.

A small pout pressed on your lips even though you knew it had no impact on the boy who kept his gaze glued to your lips. Picking up a clean napkin on his table, he placed a hand on your cheek and softly wiped away the remnants of the food on your face. His eyes bore holes into your own as he held your stare, his usual emotionless eyes disappearing and being replaced with a look you couldn’t interpret.

Scrunching the napkin in his hand, he packed up his stuff, pulling out of his chair. You watched him, still flushed from his act of affection minutes before. Dragging his bag over his shoulder, he turned to look at you, still acting nonchalant despite the pink tint on his ears. “Aren’t you coming?”

“Dry spell” was an understatement to describe what you were experiencing.

It’s been three weeks since you last had an orgasm.

You had broken up with your bum excuse of a boyfriend around a week before the dry spell hit your body, kicking him out once you found a series of text messages to his ex-girlfriend begging her to hook up one last time before he “fully committed to you.” Apparently, he didn’t think an 8-month-old relationship was long enough to commit.

But to be honest, you didn’t suffer that much of a loss. In fact, you felt like you kind of made a profit by breaking up with him. Dongmin was practically squatting at your apartment without paying rent, and even when you nudged the idea of him at least paying a minuscule portion of the utilities, he’d leave for a couple of days, then return as if nothing had happened. But before he left, he didn’t leave you empty-handed. Nope. As he stumbled to the door with his backpack haphazardly packed, he yelled a vulgar wish at you before slamming the door shut.

“I hope nobody makes your prude-ass cum for the rest of your damn life!”

You didn’t think much of it at first. I mean, to be fair, he never made you cum once while you two were dating. And you figured he was probably upset because you guys only had sex about a handful of times, with your last sexual session about a month ago. Whatever sexual issue he had going on, you were glad that it was out of your life.

But you never realized that his wish would come true for you.

A week after your breakup, feeling like you deserved some stress relief from work, you prepared yourself to have a steamy night with your Hitachi wand.

You charged the device while you took a long, hot shower. You washed your hair, shaved your body, and even used the expensive body oil that you saved up only for special occasions to moisturize your body. You slipped into your soft cotton sheets, freshly washed and smelling like clean linen. You tossed your comforter aside and laid down a towel beneath your body, nerves buzzing with the sheer excitement of gifting your body a much-needed orgasm.

You lubed up your bare cunt, biting your lip as you turned on the vibrator to a low setting before pressing it against your clit. You gasped at the cold sensation, thighs twitching as your body thrummed in pleasure. You turned up the setting gradually, until you were at the max, and you were writhing around with soft whimpers escaping your mouth.

But after a couple of minutes, you grew concerned.

Even after tweaking at your nipples and grinding your hips up to the vibrator, no intensity built up. The initial pleasure dwelled down and sullied into a flat rate, leaving your pussy sulking lube and your arousal. You removed the vibrator and switched it off, settling it on the towel. You gently eased a finger into yourself, your face scrunching up as you gently pumped yourself with the digit.

Even after adding in a second finger, your body wouldn’t respond to the pleasure you were trying so hard to bestow upon it. You whined and cut your self-sexcapade short, a pout permanently etched into the seam of your lips as you begrudgingly cleaned between your legs and the towel on your bed.

Over the course of the next couple of days, you would try again and again to give yourself an orgasm, to no avail!

The next day, you humped your pillow, only to end up having to wash your pillowcase with crossed arms. A couple of days after, you turned your showerhead setting to high pressure, rushing the water against your clit. You just ended up wasting away at your water bill. Then the next week, you made a bold decision to use a dildo. But even after getting your cardio workout in with the sex toy, you just ended up with sore thighs and the silicone flopping over as if it were moping around with you.

You couldn’t take it anymore!

One day, over a classy brunch with your friend, under hushed whispers, you communicated your girl troubles to your best friend. Yunjin was open-minded and like a TMI book, so you didn’t have any second thoughts when you told her about your unwanted three-week chastity period. 

“I haven’t cum in three weeks— do you think Dongmin put a curse on me?” You sniffled, nearly on the verge of tears, as you explained your problem to Yunjin. Your best friend held your hands firmly, clasping both of them within her grip to anchor you.

“Babes, I think what it is is that… maybe Dongmin was so bad at sex that it jinxed your orgasms...? ” She tried to find a reasonable explanation for your orgasmless ordeal. She moved her hands around, trying to showcase that she was slotting the last missing piece into a puzzle. You furrowed your eyebrows at her wavering voice. It sounded like she wasn’t entirely convinced of herself. 

“This genuinely can’t be scientifically possible,” you tried to reason back. Yunjin only offered you a shrug in response. You slumped forward onto the table with a groan, pressing your forehead dramatically against the cool surface. “I’ve tried everything, Yunjin. Everything. I even bought a dildo off of some suspicious online sex shop because I was so desperate! At this point, I’m starting to think my body just… forgot how to function. And what if going without cumming for so long is fucking up my body even more!” You rambled off, a bit too loudly. The elderly ladies next to you shot you a dirty look at your vulgar waffling and shifted their bodies away from your table.

Yunjin stared at you with pity in her eyes before exhaling and leaning in close to you. She seemed to contemplate for a bit before she eventually relented and spoke up, “Look, girl, there’s this guy I know, and we went to college together… He was pretty nerdy in college. We were both in the same classes ‘cus we were both Psych majors. I heard he got his doctorate after he graduated and has an interesting practice now…” Yunjin sucked in a breath through her teeth. “Apparently, he’s a… well… a sex doctor.”

“A what?” you whisper-yelled, staring at her wandering eyes that decided to glance everywhere except back at you. Was that even a real thing? A sex doctor? Sounds like a scam ran by a pervert! 

Yunjin exhaled the same breath and smiled reassuringly, noticing your clearly disinterested and disgusted expression. “Well, a sexologist, you know? They call him… Dr. Feel Good.” She winked. Your mouth fell agape, your eyebrows scrunching down with the wrinkles appearing on the bridge of your nose.

“Th– that sounds like a shitty porn title…” you mumbled, cheeks heating up at the mere thought of seeing a man called Dr. Feel Good for your personal and sexual issues. She sighed and began rummaging through her purse upon noting your hesitance. 

“Babe, I know it sounds like a scam, but trust me. The guy did his thesis on how ‘pleasure is a learned response shaped by reinforcement’, or something like that... He’s the real deal.” She finally pulled out a business card and slid it to you, which was decorated with cheesy, bright lettering and, to be honest, looked like a complete scam. You don’t think you would’ve batted an eye at the “business” if Yunjin’s validation, verification, and your desperation weren’t mixed together in a dangerous cocktail you were tempted to sip. You picked up the cardstock to get a better look at it.

“Cum… over to Dr. Feel Good… to feel real good…” You read in a bashful tone. “This– this can’t be real, Yunjin, right?”

“Shit, I mean, he may sound like a lunatic, but he’s a good guy, I could tell you that.” Yunjin shrugged. “Just give it a try! What’s the worst that could happen?”

──── ⚕

The website name, printed in a white bold blocky font, was glaring at you despite its minuscule size on the business card.

It was like it was enticing you to open your laptop and type it in. It had only been a couple of hours since you received the very suspicious-looking business card, yet it kept appearing in your mind like a pop-up ad that you couldn’t get rid of. No matter how many times you tried to press the “X” button in your mind, the advertisement just wouldn’t go away.

So, to satiate your curiosity, too hungry to be suppressed, you opened your laptop and typed it in.

The site looked like it was straight from the dark web, with a black-and-white, outdated template and weird fonts encompassing every textbox. Hell, there was barely even anything on the website. There were just simple elements with basic links to the homepage, services, and reviews. There were even some banners with phrases, such as “Rediscover YOUR pleasure today!!!” and “results you can FEEL instantly,” which somehow made you trust it even less.

However, there was a directory of all the employees who worked at the practice as well as pictures of the location, soothing your suspicions over just a tad bit. (But honestly, the pictures looked like stock photos.) You scrolled around to see his secretary, Park Sunghoon, and his medical assistant, Park Jongseong, listed on the site with real emails, yet no headshots. Their certifications were even listed, which settled your nerves a bit more than you would like to admit. 

The thought of actually booking an appointment exploded in your mind, poofing in like a cloud of smoke with a devil on your shoulder.

You gave in to the temptation and clicked the “Services” button, scrolling to see what this Dr. Feel Good had to offer. 

This part looked even more suspicious, with a pulsing and blaring “BOOK NOW!!!” button obnoxiously in your face, as if it were a telemarketer trying so desperately to sell you something. You ignored every warning sign, trying to prove to Yunjin (even though she wasn’t there) that you had some semblance of trust in her recommendations. You clicked the book now button, but there was only a list of appointment days. No services were offered, just times and dates on a calendar.

You easily secured a booking for 10:30 AM the next day, as there were barely any previous appointment slots secured. Having a few people with pre-booked appointments was trustworthy enough, right?

The realization that you seriously and genuinely booked an appointment for a sexologist named Dr. Feel Good then settled in.

God, what if he were a pervert? Shit, he probably was a pervert! You then panic-scrolled to read the list of reviews on his site, your eyes widening to see the sheer number of 5-star reviews. Even though the appointments booked were minimal, almost all of the reviews were 5-stars. The only one-star review that was prevalent on the site was an old one from someone you could just tell was a Karen, shocking you. Even the 4-star reviews held minimal criticism for this Dr. Feel Good, only noting things such as what could be improved slightly, rather than things that were outright wrong.

You meticulously sifted through each review, trying to spot anything that looked like it was generated by a bot or something. But everything checked out, and somehow that made it feel even worse because now, you didn’t really feel like you had a valid excuse to cancel. And with the appointment being less than 24 hours away, you would’ve been subjected to a late fee. Your eyes drifted to the appointment confirmation sitting neatly in your email inbox before you switched back to the website that presented you with the same confirmation.

10:30 AM.

Your stomach twisted, a strange mix of dread and curiosity settling in your chest before falling into the pit of your stomach. “I must be insane. Or crazy. I can cum by myself, right?” you muttered to yourself, furrowing your eyebrows.

But with the feeling of apprehension bloomed a strange anticipation that you couldn’t suppress.

──── ⚕

You walked into the practice the next day at 10 AM sharp, nervously skittering inside of the building with your purse and car keys tightly tucked in your hands.

The building was tucked away in some plaza that barely had any traffic in it, raising the anxiety levels even more. But you didn’t want to chicken out. Yunjin was already on speed dial on your phone, just in case, so you felt a bit reassured by that. You proceeded to walk through the empty hallways, your shoes clicking against the tiles as you made your way deeper inside the building. His practice was nestled inside the complex filled with other suites, also with medical practices labelled on the other doors. They looked legit enough, and through the frosted doors, you could see people waiting for their other doctoral appointments inside the other suites.

You opened the door nervously and were greeted by a white and black, sterile-looking waiting room.

At the receptionist desk, a handsome man was typing away. On his black scrubs, a shiny golden nametag was pinned to the chest, reading, “Park Sunghoon.” You remembered the name from the site, and the consistency eased your mind just a tad bit. He looked up upon seeing you enter, his face nonchalant and lips pursed into a line.

“Do you have an appointment?” He bluntly asked you. You nodded your head rapidly as you slowly stepped forward to stand in front of him. “Name and time?” You gave him the information easily. He clicked around with his mouse before giving you a clipboard that had a thick packet of papers pinned to it. “Please fill this out.” You sat down closest to the exit as you sifted through the papers.

The first couple of papers were just basic registration information, with things like your name and address being asked for. The next few comprised of your medical history, which you finished in a breeze. The first couple of papers took longer. They were more in-depth questions regarding your sexual history and personal experience thus far with your pleasure. You answered them honestly, albeit feeling a bit ashamed.

However, the last couple of papers had a dizzying amount of words compressed into the 8.5x11 sheet. The top of the paper read “Informed Consent Form.” You tried your best to focus while reading the overwhelming paragraphs, not wanting to risk anything as you delved deeper into this sexologist appointment. There were multiple signature lines, too, making your heart race with anxiety. Your eyes were drawn to the simple bottom portion of the paper, and your breath hitched in your throat as you comprehended what you read.

Does Dr. Feel Good have your consent to the removal of personal garments for the purpose of treatment?

Huh?

Does Dr. Feel Good have your consent in being positioned as necessary for optimal therapeutic outcomes?

What?

Does Dr. Feel Good have your consent to repeated stimulation until satisfactory results are achieved?

Your wavering eyes read over the questions again and again, the countless number of them making your heart palpitate unusually. Was this even real? God, you should’ve left at that moment. But you couldn’t control your shaky hand as it signed your name next to each question, providing this Dr. Feel Good with ultimate autonomy over your body under his treatment.

You returned your clipboard to Sunghoon, hands trembling even worse than before. As he took the clipboard back, he noticed your tremors. A soft sigh escaped his lips as he finally took in your state. A complete nervous wreck. “You don’t have to worry too much. We act in the best interest of the patient, and consent can be revoked at any time.” His deep voice turned soft. You smiled shyly at the reassurance and kindly thanked him before taking a seat once more.

After ten minutes, your name was called.

You looked up to see a guy wearing the same set of scrubs as Sunghoon. The man was also handsome, with a chiseled jawline and narrowed eyes that seemed to stare into you as if he could read your inner thoughts. He was holding a clipboard, and on his golden nameplate, it read, “Park Jongseong.”

You stood up to approach him, and he straightened his posture upon seeing you. A soft smile unexpectedly crossed his lips. “I’m Jay, I’m the medical assistant. I’ll take you to your room and do a few preliminary checks. Is that okay?” He asked. You nodded silently, trying your hardest to screw your jaw shut so that it wouldn’t fall agape. He led you inside the clinic, into a hallway with a simple nurse’s station and an array of black doors. The entire vibe was gloomy, which only seemed to heighten your senses.

He opened a door for you in a good area, not too far inside the clinic to where you weren’t that far from the exit door. When you stepped into the room, the white overhead light was dimmed. It wasn’t the same blinding light in your usual practitioner’s office, but it was white enough for you to wince. There was a black examination bed with a thin strip of parchment paper rolled over it and a few medical knick-knacks lying around. Soft music was playing in the background, and you’re sure it was there to soothe you, but instead, it only made you even more nervous. The music was soft, but sounded a bit too sensual for a clinic.

You settled on the bed, and the next few minutes passed in a blur of routine. Jay took your vitals, promptly explaining that they needed a baseline due to how elevated patients’ heart rates got during treatment as he wrapped a blood pressure cuff around your arm. He double-checked your paperwork, skimming through each sheet of paper for a couple of seconds before landing on your consent form. He hummed for a bit before speaking up.

“On a scale of one to ten,” he said next, handing you another couple of sheets pinned to a clipboard alongside a pen, “please rate all of the following.” You glanced down at the paper. There were multiple scales, such as stress level, hours of sleep, and behavioral questions. You answered them easily before flipping the page, and the next set of questions made your breath hitch.

“Body awareness?” you read aloud, as if trying to confirm what your eyes were seeing.

“Yes.”

“And then, uhm…” Your eyes moved lower. “…‘responsiveness to external stimuli’?” He nodded once, like that was the most normal thing in the world.

“Circle what applies,” he simply said. You stared at the paper. There was a diagram. A full-body diagram, with multiple circles surrounding certain body parts. Those certain body parts are your most sensitive areas. 

“You must be kidding,” you whispered under your breath. Unfortunately, this keen medical assistant heard you easily.

“No. There are no jokes to be made about your pleasure,” he said, his voice still clinical despite the warm tone. You exhaled slowly, dragging your pen across the page with far more hesitation than you’d like to admit, tilting your clipboard as if you were trying to hide your answers from Jay.

“Alright,” he said after collecting the papers, glancing over them briefly. “Thank you.”

You crossed your arms. “That didn’t feel normal,” you said, bottom lip jutting out as you shakily spoke up with your concern. Jay didn’t even flinch. He just nodded once, offering you a kind smile.

“It is for this practice,” he responded. He shuffled the papers into the initial packet you filled out before leaving promptly and returning with something. It was a towel and a robe. “You may undress to your comfort level,” he said, gesturing toward the two articles of cotton fabric. “You could get completely naked, or wear your same articles of clothing as of now. Most patients proceed with the robe, if it helps,” he added as he moved toward the door, hand resting on the handle.

“Before I step out,” he said, “I need verbal confirmation.” You looked up, tilting your head. “You’ve reviewed and signed the consent forms,” he continued. “Are you comfortable proceeding with today’s session?”

The question hung in the air.

Comfortable?

How could one exactly find comfort in this suspicious-looking clinic?

“…I guess so,” you responded timidly.

Jay let out a sigh, catching you off guard. “There is no guessing when it comes to your consent. It is a yes or no. Please answer accordingly. Your consent can be revoked at any time, and if you say no now, you can leave without ever seeing Dr. Feel Good. There is no harm.”

The seriousness in his tone surprised you. You whispered an apology, to which he waved off.

“I consent…”

A phantom of a smile haunted his lips before he opened the door. “Dr. Feel Good will be with you shortly,” he said, before leaving. The door shut with a click that resonated throughout the entirety of the small room, leaving you feeling more vulnerable than you’ve ever felt in your entire life. You stared at the robe before looking all around the room to see if there were any hidden cameras. Once you couldn’t identify any, you made work of stripping down into your inner garments. You neatly folded your clothes and placed them on the counter before grabbing the robe and tying it securely around your body.

The soft material sank into your skin, wrapping you in a fluffy embrace of cotton. You sat on the examination bed, waiting patiently as you swung your legs. After a couple of minutes, someone knocked on the door.

“Come in…” you meekly spoke up. There was a tense beat of nothing before the door swung open.

The most handsome man you’ve ever seen in your life entered the room, wearing a white coat. Embellishing it was a golden nametag, reading, “Dr. Feel Good.” The man had straight black hair that looked shiny and fluffy, and somehow, his entire appearance seemed sterile. He was clean, well-put together. There wasn’t even a wrinkle in his white coat, and his black trousers seemed ironed down onto his legs.

“Hello,” he greeted you simply, his face void of any emotions as he approached the examination bed. “I’m Dr. Feel Good. But if you are more comfortable, you can address me as Doctor or Dr. Jake,” he said. “You are a new patient?” He asked. You nodded shyly, cheeks heating up as you realized he had a thick accent laid on top of his words. And to put it simply, his voice was hot. It wasn’t deep, but it was mature and controlled.

You watched as he meticulously went over your forms, his eyes scanning each sheet of paper with sharp intent. The room felt quieter with him in it despite the soft ambient music still playing somewhere in the background. But now, everything in the room felt contained, as if the air itself had straightened its posture the second he walked in.

“Hm.”

That was the only sound he made for a while. Just a low hum, barely audible, as his gaze moved line by line, page by page. His fingers adjusted the papers into a perfect stack after each one, aligning the corners with an almost obsessive precision. Was this the same nerdy guy that Yunjin talked about just yesterday?

“Three weeks,” Jake finally spoke up.

“Pardon?” You helplessly responded, clearly caught off guard by him speaking up.

He didn’t look at you yet, eyes still on the page. “You reported an inability to reach an orgasm for approximately three weeks, following the termination of a relationship, it seems?” The way he worded it felt so clinical, talking about your sexual experiences as if it were just a normal doctor’s office check-up. You felt vulnerable, as if every face of yours was being seen by him.

“Yeah…” you mumbled, shrinking slightly. Another quiet hum escaped his mouth.

“And prior to that,” Jake continued, flipping a page, “you haven’t had an orgasm from sex, including penetration?” He raised an eyebrow. You gulped, swallowing the build-up of saliva that had accumulated in your mouth with how anxious you were.

“Y– yes…” You answered, nodding your head alongside your words. He set the papers down on the tray beside him, aligning them with the edge before folding his hands neatly in front of him.

“Do you believe your condition is physical or psychological in nature?” he asked, tilting his head. You blinked before taking a couple of seconds to ponder over your answer.

“I—I don’t know,” you admitted. “I– That’s kind of why I’m here…” You fiddled with the tie of your robe. He nodded once more, remaining silent before speaking up.

“Then I’ll ask you more specific questions, I suppose,” Jake said. “Please, tell me about your sexual experiences with your ex-boyfriend in more detail.” He sat down on the rolling chair next to the computer monitor that laid in front of you. You were silent, mouth opening and closing as you tried to find the proper words to explain your situation.

“Uhm, so before my problem occurred…” You spoke up. He leaned in further, intrigued as you began to speak. “I was dating this guy… I don’t know why I agreed to date him. I think I just needed to feel wanted by someone else, I guess…” Jake didn’t interfere as you spoke. He just continued to listen, his hands clasped and his eyes thoughtful.

“We had sex only a couple of times, but I never uhm…” Your cheeks and neck heated up at the vulgar words you were about to say in such a professional setting. “I never came…” You whispered. He nodded once more, encouraging despite his steel stare. “And then we broke up, and I’ve been trying to masturbate for a while, but I can never get myself to, uhm, orgasm…”

“I thought it was just stress at first. To be fair, the first day that it happened, I was looking for a reward after a stressful day,” you continued, your voice a little more stable and confident now. “Or like, I don’t know, maybe I was just tired, or I was just poor at it after so long. I mean, my ex hated it when I masturbated because I ‘only needed him.”

“Are you comfortable with telling me what it feels like when you masturbate?”

For some reason, even if the question was intended to be professional, it shot a jolt of heat in between your thighs. You shifted your body, which didn’t go unnoticed by the doctor. “Uhm.. sure…”

“Well, it starts off feeling really good…” You shyly murmured, mouth twitching into a sheepish and embarrassed upwards curl. “I do feel something, but uhm… it’s just–  Like it starts, and then it just… plateaus out smooth,” you continued. “And then nothing ever comes…”  You glanced up at him, a little unsure now that you’d actually said it out loud. “…I don’t know if that makes sense,” you added nervously.

“It does.”

He spoke with utmost confidence that it took you aback. You blinked and let the silence linger for a minute before you hesitantly spoke up once more, “It does?” you asked, clearing your throat with surprise woven in your voice. He nodded once, leaning forward just slightly, his tone still calm and grounded. Your shoulders dropped just a bit more as your body finally relaxed. God, you felt like you were going crazy. But now, this Dr. Feel Good sounded so sure of himself that you were reassured in feeling like he had the solution to your problem.

Jake’s expression shifted into a more focused state, his eyebrows knitting together and plump lips getting swept by his pink tongue. It was the first showcase of emotion you’ve seen on his expression. It was as if he were piecing something together in real time, like a detective in the process of solving a cold case.

“Can I ask you something a little more specific?” he said.

You nodded, a bit wary but now way more trusting. “Yeah…”

“Before this relationship,” he continued, voice steady, “did you ever have difficulty finishing? On your own or with someone else?” You shook your head. Jake leaned back slightly, crossing one leg over the other, fingers tapping once against the armrest as he looked up for a second. “Okay,” he said. “So what we’re looking at isn’t physiological, but most likely psychological. Something in your little brain is interfering with the process. This seems to be my area of expertise.”

Your stomach tightened a little. “What’s interfering with my brain?” You asked.

“Sexual response is heavily tied to the brain,” he said. “Arousal, pleasure, climax… just because it all starts at it, doesn’t mean that it’s just physical stimulation. It’s also about safety, attention, and feedback loops.” You frowned slightly, trying to follow with all of this psychology lingo. He could tell that you were a bit confused, so he explained even more.

“Okay, so… when there’s a repeated pattern,” he continued, “where your needs aren’t being met, such as situations where you’re not cumming, which I am also going to assume that you’re not being checked in on and not really being seen in that moment as well, your brain starts to adapt to these circumstances.”

“Adapt?” you echoed.

“Precisely. Your brain will start to adapt protectively,” he clarified. “It starts deprioritizing your own pleasure because, in the past, it hasn’t led anywhere.” Your brows pulled together as you finally understood what he was trying to say. “And over time, that can turn into performance pressure.”

Your eyes flicked up. “Really? How?” You asked curiously.

“If you’ve gone through multiple experiences without cumming,” he explained, “you might start going into those situations expecting it not to happen. And once that expectation unconsciously kicks in, your attention starts to shift. At first, it goes slowly. But then, after a while, it’s an automatic thinking response. Instead of being present in your own pleasure, you’re monitoring yourself.” He made a calm and controlled array of gestures with his hand.

“Am I close? Why am I not close? Is something wrong with me? How long has it been? Should I try something new? Is this method not working?” He spoke, attempting to mimic your voice. You swallowed at the accuracy in his impersonation of your thinking process, but continued to remain silent as he instilled more of his analysis into your ears.

“That kind of self-monitoring activates the more analytical parts of your brain,” he said. “Which… unfortunately, are the exact parts that inhibit orgasm.”

You blinked. “You’re kidding, no way!” You gasped.

“Nope.” He let out a quiet breath, tone softening just a touch. “Your brain has learned to associate those experiences with disappointment. And now, when you’re trying to reach that goal of orgasm, even by yourself, your brain has already generalized all sexual experiences with the initial failure.” Your fingers tightened slightly around your kneecaps as you tried to self-soothe through rubbing your legs.

“So… I basically trained myself out of it?” you asked. Jake shook his head immediately, eyes widening at your slightly self-deprecating words.

“No, no, no. Not at all,” he corrected, firm but not harsh at all. You looked down, processing.

“Uhm, so… so what do I do now?”

“It’s not what you do now, sweetie, it’s what I do now.”

His sudden, dangerous words made you flinch. You watched, mouth falling agape as he began to wash his hands. “Before we proceed, I will need to evaluate your current level of responsiveness.”

“And, uhm, what does that exactly entail?” You asked, your voice shaking.

“Everything will be conducted within the boundaries you have consented to,” he said. “Nothing more.” Your fingers tightened slightly against the fabric of the robe. The vagueness of his words made you frown. He ignored the unpleasant expression on your face in favor of pulling on a pair of gloves on his hands.

“Lie back,” he instructed. You hesitated, but ultimately complied with his order. “You may stop at any time,” he added, voice just as even as before. “Verbal or nonverbal indication will be sufficient. I take the word ‘Stop’ as an immediate safe-word.” You shifted onto the bed, the fabric beneath you smooth. It was nothing like the crinkly paper you expected and had seen before at other clinics. Your body felt hyper-aware, vulnerable, as every small movement was amplified under his gaze. Your legs were shut together, screwed tight to ensure the last bit of your dignity left.

Jake rolled the chair over beside the bed, sitting with the same perfect posture, hands resting neatly on his knees. He then suddenly hooked his arms under your legs, pulling your lower half closer to him. The unexpected movement made you yelp. He didn’t apologize for inconveniencing you. This was his routine, and you were expected to follow. Your body slid forward, the distance between you and him disappearing far too quickly for your liking. Your legs instinctively pressed together tighter in a last, desperate attempt at control and dignity preservation.

“Relax,” he said. Your mouth snapped shut, lips pressing together tightly in a thin seal to prevent yourself from talking back. Realistically, how were you supposed to relax? His gloved hands slowly pulled apart the top of your robe, revealing your bra-clad breasts to him. He furrowed his eyebrows at the clothing obstruction, but proceeded normally. He groped your breasts suddenly, prompting a surprised gasp to fall past your lips. He squeezed your mounds before massaging them. Your breathing became ragged and uneven as your arms tensed to your sides. 

“Breathe normally,” he instructed. Your breath came out even more uneven.

“I am—” you started, only for your voice to betray you halfway through and crack between the two words. He then pulled down the cups of your bra to reveal your bare chest to him. He circled your areolas, similar to feeling you up for a breast check. He then pressed his gloved thumbs into your nipples, the peaks hardening nearly instantaneously from the cold air and his confident touch. You let out a whimper. 

“S– Sorry…” you apologized, embarrassed at the sound.

“That’s okay, it’s natural, sweetheart,” He mumbled. The petname made your legs twitch once more. He then rubbed your nipples, flicking his thumbs up and down to see how your body reacted. God, you were a quivering mess, all shakes and tremors. The parchment paper on the examination bed began to crumple and crinkle with your body’s jolting. He then pinched your nipples, first gently and then more tightly. You squeaked.

“Your chest is quite sensitive,” he noted. His gaze dropped briefly to where your legs remained locked together before glancing up back to your face. His hands then shifted, one resting lightly against your knee while the other was at your ankle. You froze completely, your breath stuttering. 

“Your muscles are tense,” he said, gently rubbing at both points on your legs. 

“I just met you,” you blurted, face heating up at your unintentional sudden outburst. Unexpectedly, he breathed out a quiet laugh. His hand at your knee applied the slightest pressure, a steady insistence that guided your body. Your body reacted before your brain could catch up, and your leg shifted just a tiny bit. But it was enough for a small gap to form.

“There we go,” he murmured, low and praising. “There’s no need to take control,” he continued. “You’re in a controlled environment.” Yeah, a controlled environment under his control. He took advantage of the small gap and pressed his hand in between your knees, effectively parting your legs to reveal your inner areas to him. “Good…”

He gently slid the robe up over your thighs, letting the cotton drape over the top of your hip. He then slowly pressed his two fingers over your panties. Your knees twitched, nearly bumping into each other at the feathery touch. He prodded around, pressing up against your clothed folds before slowly making his way to your covered clit and hole. A low moan escaped your mouth, causing you to apologize once more. He brushed it off again. You pulled up your shirt to cover your mouth in an attempt to muffle your sounds. Jake cooed, stopping his movements to press up against your clit. He hummed upon feeling your panties beginning to get wet.

“You’re aroused. That’s good,” he simply said. The pressure on your bundle of nerves made you gasp. You whined out in protest, but your body was responding to him with the most truthful answer to his movements. He hooked his fingers into the edge of the panties before pulling them down, revealing your glistening folds to him. He grunted, a masculine and throaty sound that made your hole clench. He spread your legs to expose your anatomy to him. His reverent gaze made you shy, causing you to try to hide your entire face in your shirt. “Don’t hide, sweetheart. It’s pretty down here…”

God, this definitely wasn’t right. But you were so wet that your hazy mind didn’t even think of the moral and ethical implications of whatever you were doing. He gently blew air on your exposed hole, making you gasp with a jolt of your hips. “So responsive, good.” He nodded.

He toyed with your clit, pinching it gently and rubbing it to see what made you feel good. But to be truthful, everything he was doing was making you feel good. You were sure that he didn’t actually even have to touch you to make you feel good. You were sure you were desperate enough that even hearing another word of his accented voice was enough to make you finish. Were you always this desperate?

His fingers were slipping from how wet you were, clit drenched in your arousal. “Relax now…” He crooned, slowly sliding a finger into your soaked hole. “I don’t need to use lubrication because you’re sufficiently wet,” he explained, still maintaining a steady professionalism in his voice. You gasped, body jolting almost upright at the intrusion. He gently eased you back down onto the bed as he inspected your hole, prodding around as if searching for something inside. His fingertip pressed around, nudging at the inner muscles. You felt every movement of it.

“It’s like your finger is sucking me in deeper.” He tried to suppress a groan from escaping his lips, trying to pump his finger in and out of your channel. He pinned your right ankle to the bed, forcing your legs open so he could observe your pussy as he moved his finger inside. You squirmed around, letting your inhibitions loose as he continued to finger you. Fuck all of the moral and ethical codes. He was making you feel so good.

The way he spread your legs further gave way for his finger, allowing him to move with less restriction as his digit pumped into you faster. You swallowed, trying to produce saliva in your dry mouth. You hiccuped as he joined another finger inside of your opening. Your legs were twitching, trying to resist his tight hold, but he kept your ankle within the small prison of his free hand and the examination bed. His thick fingers scissoring you open was your last straw.

Your orgasm crashed down on you embarrassingly fast, finally letting loose after your body had been repressed for so long. A symphony of whines and whimpers was directed within the room, led by Jake as the conductor of your melodic sounds. He kept his fingers still inside of you, letting your body calm down from your orgasm before sliding them out.

His brows pulled together slightly, gaze sharpening in a way that wasn’t just observational anymore. No, now he was just plain confused. His eyes flicked briefly to your face, then back, like he was trying to reconcile what just happened with everything he thought he understood up to that point.

“I thought you said you couldn’t cum,” he said slowly. You stammered, now feeling like you were a pervert for coming during his inspection.

“I– I can’t… D– Did you do something?” You whimpered, screwing your legs shut in pure humiliation.

“Nothing outside standard assessment,” he replied. Your head jolted back, confused.

“F– Fingering your patients is standard assessment?” You squeaked, voice cracking. He nodded and shrugged.

“Don’t feel embarrassed. I’m not disgusted. It’s a natural bodily reaction to orgasm after being stimulated like that, and it happens during other assessments. I’m just a bit lost now. This case is quite common, but I've never experienced this exact situation before…” He said, looking down at his soaked glove. He disposed of both of them before washing his hands. “Allow me to escort you to the bathroom so you can relieve yourself.” He held out his clean hand for you to take. You did, and he led you to the restroom so you could pee. When you were done, he was waiting outside for you.

“Truthfully, now I don’t understand what to do. But I’m not saying I don’t believe you. I don’t think you’re a pervert with a medical fetish.” He ran his fingers through his hair, puzzled. “Please just continue masturbating to see how it is at home, and come back to me in maybe a week. We’ll see what goes on then, alright?”

So then, your next appointment for Dr. Feel Good was in the books for next week.

──── ⚕

The next night, your body was glossed in the same expensive body oil you were wearing that eventful night, leaving a thin sheen of shine across your skin.

Your bedroom was filled with the aroma of sensual rose and warm vanilla, and your lights were dimmed into a warm color that eased your eyes. Your cotton sheets were, once again, freshly washed and holding onto the fresh scent of linen from your detergent. You breathed out slowly as you descended upon your bed, biting your bottom lip as you grabbed the lube from the nightstand to keep on hand.

You felt shyer than you usually would, but you didn’t let your nerves deter you from trying to cum by yourself for the first time.

You let your left hand caress your torso, feeling the soft, clean skin. You squirmed around at your own featherlight touch, biting your lip as your fingers trailed upwards to cup your breast. You kneaded at your boob, purposefully avoiding your sensitive nipple to tease yourself.

Your right hand slowly crawled towards your inner thighs, and you skimmed your fingertips across your legs to enhance your senses. “Mmm…” you whimpered slightly, legs twitching ever so slightly as you danced nearer and nearer towards your core.

You finally granted yourself some semblance of relief as you circled your clit, but still continued to avoid directly touching the concentrated bundle of nerves. Your hips bucked desperately as it prayed for a closer touch, but you didn’t answer your body. Instead, you teased and teased and teased.

Your toes were curling in anticipation, figure shaking like a leaf as your mind began racing with the multitude of pleasure-filled combinations you could give yourself. You granted your body liberation as you finally pressed two fingers against your clit, eliciting a dainty gasp from your lips. You slowly began to rub tiny circles, earning jolts from your inner thighs as your body got accustomed to the slow build-up of pleasure.

Your brain was foggy, and truthfully, orgasming was the last thing on your mind as you touched yourself in that moment. It was as if you were mapping out your body again for the first time, trying to discover what you like after replaying the same cycles of masturbation. Soft mewls breathed from your lips as you continued to rub your clit, suppressing your desire to hasten your pace. “F– feels good…” You let out a shaky gasp, unlike yourself. 

As before, the feeling of your orgasm built up, but flattened, as if maintaining a steady energy and not going anywhere. “Hngh, fuck!”

God, your fingers were so soaked in your arousal, it felt like you were dipping them into a fountain of slick. Your brain wasn’t thinking of cumming, no. In fact, your nerves were thinking for you, your body jittering with how rapidly your fingers were moving, building up stacks of pleasure after pleasure on top of each other.

“No, no, fuck…” You whimpered, gasping as your hole twitched. You spread your legs to reveal your glistening clit, folds soaked and smearing your secretion across your thighs. Your inner thighs were fluttering, jolting closer and further apart like magnets repelling and attracting. You wiped your soiled fingers across the skin of your stomach, licking your lips as you took in your body’s feelings for a moment.

“I was so close…” You helplessly whined to yourself, devastated. You continued to rub your clit, not having pleasure in mind. It was more to self-soothe and anchor your body back to your mind, letting the physical aspect of you know that you were still there mentally. And within that daze of comfort, for some reason, your senses were now being filled by Dr. Feel Good.

God, he’s the only method that has helped you cum for the past 3 weeks.

Your hips bucked instinctively as your silly brain unconsciously began conjuring images of Jake, looking so stupidly sexy in that plain doctor’s uniform. A whimper slipped out of you as your eyes fluttered shut, and through the darkness, you could see vivid flashes of Dr. Feel Good during your appointment. Groping you, dominating you wordlessly, and fucking fingering you. And if you clenched your ears hard enough, you swear you could get a melodic hint of his strong accent whispering into your mind.

You were right on the edge, fuck, one more touch and you were so close—!

Your orgasm washed away as soon as it crashed on the tide of your body, escaping from your fingers like sand slipping from your palms.

“Fuck!”

──── ⚕ ────

You were restless as soon as you stepped into the office. You politely greeted Sunghoon, legs trembling as if you had finished a big workout. You could tell he noticed by the way he eyed your legs, but he didn’t comment.

Your legs were shaking in a mixture of nervousness and anticipation, eyes quickly darting back and forth between the clock and the door. Your wish was answered when the door opened to reveal Jay. You greeted him, trying to sound levelheaded as you followed him into the room. It was the same room as before, and as soon as Jay allowed you to, you stripped and changed into the robe.

However, this time, you took off your undergarments.

You tucked them inside the pile of your clothes, nervously propping yourself on the bed. Dr. Feel Good walked in, looking composed with his previously slicked back hair now carelessly resting on his forehead in the form of bangs. Your thighs clenched, eager and already wet from seeing him.

“Hi, Doctor…” you meekly greeted him, bouncing up and down slightly with excitement.

“Hello,” he responded. “How have you been faring?”

“‘M okay…” You mumbled. He nodded and looked over at you as he washed his hands.

“Tell me how it’s going with your masturbation, sweetheart. Any changes?” He asked. You shook your head rapidly, as if trying to get everything over with in a haste. “No changes?”

“I tried masturbating by myself, and I still can’t cum,” you whined, “I was really, really close! I felt it, but then it just slipped away!” You sniffled, your eyes blinking harshly in frustration as you relayed your experiences to Jake. He looked at you properly, body turning and eyes softening around the edges with pity clouding them.

“So you haven’t cum since your appointment last week?” He asked. You nodded your head to confirm your troubles as you sniffled even more. He gently placed his warm palm on your kneecap, rubbing at the bone to soothe you. “Oh, sweetheart…”

“Is there something wrong with me, doctor? It feels like there is… I don’t know if it’s a brain thing anymore…” You buried your face into your palms, shoulders trembling like a leaf.

“You don’t think it’s psychological?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at your pained statement. Your lips parted, but nothing came out for a moment as you contemplated.

“I… I don’t know,” you admitted, voice small. “It felt different this time. I was close, I swear I was, but—” Your breath hitched. “I just couldn’t cum… It was like I was getting to the good part of a show and then my television cut off…” You tried to put your physical experiences into words that made sense. “B– But it was different because… normally it flattens out and it feels dull… but this time, it felt really good…” You spilled the truth from your lips, yet still suppressed the fact that you were thinking of him during your escapades. He seemed to ponder for a moment, but you could tell there was something brewing beneath his dark eyes.

“Since you responded well last week… it might be beneficial to you to approach the same way, then,” he spoke up. The implications of his words made your breath hitch, and you had to bite your tongue as your body began to quiver in anticipation. He tilted his head slightly, watching the way you reacted, his keen eyes noticing the desperation in your cues immediately. He suppressed his smirk as he continued, “Since I was able to help you reach that point… Would you like me to relieve some of that frustration again?”

Fuck yes.

You would’ve moaned out loud with how desperate you were if it weren’t for his sharp gaze boring straight holes into your head. “Y– yes, please.” You gulped, trying to answer slowly to hide your eagerness. A smile stretched across his lips, almost predatory in nature as he made a movement to spread your legs.

He untied the robe fully this time, exposing the entirety of your front body to his wolfish eyes. His pupils dilated as they raked down your body, his pink tongue licking his bottom lip in appreciation for the sight he was taking in. “No bra, no panties?” He asked. You shook your head, not trusting your voice in the moment. “Do you want me to touch you more? Is that it?”

“Mmm…” You hummed shyly. He clicked his tongue as he pulled you closer to him, hooking his arms under your legs and leaving your feet dangling in the air at a right angle. You yelped at the sudden proximity, the scene reminiscent of your prior visit a week before. He spread your folds to reveal your clit to him, shining like a diamond with how drenched you were.

“Pretty little thing…” he said, sounding like more of an observation than praise with the way his voice was clipped. “Such a shame you can’t make her cum,” he murmured, pinching your clit to elicit a gasp from your lips. You whined, adjusting your butt on the parchment paper.

“Doctor… please…” You begged. He bit his lip, looking up at you through his bangs. He remained silent as he continued to rub at your sweet spot with his thumb. The lack of gloves made it feel more intimate to you, with his fingerprint stamping onto the bundle of nerves as he toyed with it. Your legs squirmed around, prompting him to pull you closer to him so that your calves would sling over his shoulders.

“Doctor…” you breathed out, his simple and light touch already bringing you to the verge of your climax. Your hand reached to grope your breasts, massaging the supple skin. You were, to say the very least, a sight for sore eyes. Your body was laid out so lewdly on the professional examination bed, legs spread so easily, and skin flushed and heated while a hand was touching yourself.

You were so fucking sexy, and for (surprisingly) the first time since he began his practice, Jake got hard.

With how worked up you were, a whole week of sexual desire finally being liberated from your nerves, your orgasm approached in no time. You gripped his wrist to slow his movements, but he wouldn’t let you. Instead, he pushed two fingers into you slowly, letting out a silent groan at how your body instantly tightened around him.

“D— Doctor!” You squeaked. He grunted, curling his fingers upwards. The motion made your knees knock against each other, hips jostling side to side as overstimulation was settling in. “Hngh, Doctor, Hngh…” you mewled.

“Shh, sweetheart. Don’t you feel good?” He purred, watching as your hands tried to shield your cunt from his prying eyes. You gasped and nodded, tears beginning to well up in your eyes.

“Mmm, feels good…” You slurred, blinking slowly. Your sluggish speech contrasted with the sharp twists of your frame, contorting around as if you were stretching. You didn’t have the energy to muster up laughter at his corny reference to his “professional” name. All you could think of was how thick his fingers were and how good they felt pressing around inside your pussy. The constant pressure against your walls made you clench so tightly around his fingers, it was like your insides were trying to trap them forever. He hissed, feeling your muscles contract around your digits. Your hands desperately tried to find purchase anywhere, but your body was moving around so much and the parchment paper was just too thin. You ended up gripping his wrists with your hands, whining out as they made you feel just so good that it felt like your brain was melting out of your ears.

“Doctor…” You wailed as you came around his fingers, pulsating around his digits and giving him what your body desperately asked for. You were so sensitive, every nerve of your body set alight. And it didn’t help that he continued to gently push his fingers in and out, slow languid movements that made you whimper and whine as a couple of tears slipped down your cheeks.

“Did that help?” He asked, still maintaining his professionalism as he wiped his wet fingers dry with a paper towel. You swallowed and nodded, blinking as if each fluttering of your eyes would adjust your head straight one tick. When your mind finally became clear enough to speak, you opened your mouth.

“Th– thank you, doctor, for treating me…” You shyly said. He seemed amused at your gratitude, the left corner of his lips curling upwards wryly to form a smirk.

“Shall we continue with gauging your personal self-pleasure sessions to see if you can make any progress now?” He asked.

Thanks to Park Sunghoon, your next appointment was booked within the next week.

──── ⚕

You spent the next six days with an uncontrollable and insatiable heat licking at the flame in your lower stomach.

Whenever you felt the urge to pleasure yourself, you would lie in your bed, and then play with your body until you were wracked in tremors with sweat cascading down your skin. Sometimes, if you felt riskier, you’d switch up. Instead of the bedroom, maybe you’d opt for your shower or your living room couch. If you were feeling especially naughty, you’d maybe bust out the old reliable vibrator.

And every time, it was like mindlessly playing with your pussy until it ached even more to the point where it physically hurt.

However, your body responded more easily now. It was less resistant to your nimble fingertips. The heavy frustration that built up within you thinned out into a flat sheet that you could manipulate with your own digits, then peaked before it went downhill. It was torture, and you’re not sure which was exactly worse. Touching your pussy until it was even more sensitive, or going a couple of hours without masturbating and having your clit desperately throb like a heartbeat in your underwear. It was like you were put in an avoidance-avoidance conflict, having to choose between two options that were equally shitty.

This has to be a curse, you thought. Your body didn’t feel normal anymore. At this point, you would gladly go without any sexual pleasure if it meant that you didn’t have to be subjected to the torture of uncertainty with how your body would respond to itself.

But with these thoughts came the only anomaly in your life.

Dr. Feel Good.

The way he worked around your body felt like dark magic. His fingers, although moving normally in front of your eyes, seemed to configure your pleasure as if it were his own. Just the mere thought of him popping up into your mind made your hole pulsate with need, and your panties drenched in distress. For sure, he was undeniably sexy. But now, to your helpless mind, he was undeniably sexy and the only solution to your orgasmless adventures.

Was seeing him a mistake? Because now, you thought that the only way you could gain any sort of release was in the form of him.

Throughout the six-day period until your appointment, your hazy mind could only conjure up the thought of him. The thought of him finally setting your body free from the shackles of confinement left your body trembling, no matter where you went. Your thoughts kept circling around him like a predator encircling its prey, like a dog worrying a huge bone. You had to stay at home up until the appointment so you wouldn’t get any weird looks in public when you had to ease the heat in between your thighs by pressing them together. God, it was like you were going through withdrawal or something.

When you finally got to the office on the seventh day, you greeted Sunghoon politely and sat in the chair closest to the door that led to the clinic. Your knee was bouncing in quick and jittery movements, the rhythm matching the impatient pulse beating irregularly in your stomach. You tried to force it still so Sunghoon wouldn’t, pressing your foot flat against the tile, but it only made the ache in your body feel even more blaringly obvious. When Jay finally took you to the room, he left immediately, as if sensing your carnivorous desire. He left you the robe and towel per usual, but this time, you stripped down completely and wrapped the towel loosely around your body.

When Jake came in, you let out a sigh of relief. “Doctor…” you whined, high in your throat and erupting from a place of need. Your knuckles turned pale as you gripped the parchment paper on the bed. “Doctor, I– I can’t cum, need you to make me feel good…” Your hooded eyelids lazily blinked, eyelashes fluttering as you tried to contain your body from expressing its desperation. Your eyes were glassy, the tears forming a pool of both embarrassment and neediness that your brain was swimming in.

“I— I can’t…” Your words faltered, dissolving into a shaky exhale. Your body shifted restlessly on the table, like you couldn’t quite settle into your own skin. Your gaze dropped for a second before flicking back up to him, ashamed. You felt like a patient begging a doctor for morphine after a minor scratch. “Please, please… you’re the only one who can fix it.” Your grip tightened on the paper again as another restless tremor ran through you. “You said you could help last time.” Your voice dipped softer, coaxing and coy now, shamelessly hopeful in a way that tipped onto humiliating. You swallowed hard.

“Please, doctor…”

Jake wasted no time in washing his hands. He seemed to contemplate whether or not he should wear gloves before deciding to pull a pair over his hands. You whimpered, squirming relentlessly as you readily parted your legs. The towel began slipping down to your torso, exposing your breasts. Your nipples were already hard, pebbled, and sensitive.

“Sweetheart, what happened to you?” He murmured, immediately inserting two fingers inside. You gasped, throwing your head back as his thick digits filled you up. Jake scissored them, stretching you out. “You’re so aroused, I didn’t even need to lubricate you,” he observed, tilting his head.

“Yeah…” you dumbly responded, watching the way Jake’s fingers disappeared into your body. Your chest heaved, inflating and deflating as you took in heavy breaths. “Mmm… feels good…” You babbled, spreading your legs wider. “Doctor…” you licked your lips, gazing up at him with practically hearts carved into your pupils. He hummed, enjoying how verbal you were.

“Doctor, I’ve been— been a good patient, right?” You panted, whimpering and acting cute. Jake raised an eyebrow, curious as to what you were babbling on about now. “M— May— Hngh— may I have your cock, please?” You slurred. The situation you were in, getting fingered by your sexologist for the third time, turned you hungry and utterly brazen. You didn’t care what you looked like to Dr. Feel Good, as long as you and your body got what it wanted. No, what you and your body desperately needed. 

He froze, his fingers still and crooked upwards in your pussy. You shifted up your hips, trying to seek out friction as you fluidly grinded into his fingertips.

“You want my cock?” Jake swept the sides of his white coat to reveal his prominent bulge in his black trousers, straining against the elegant fabric. He squeezed his hard-on, really showing you the mass of his cock. Your mouth fell agape, hips moving even faster. “That’s not an answer. I need a ‘yes’ or ‘no.” He clicked his tongue.

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes!” You chanted, gasping for air as you came on his fingers. Your hips twitched, soft breaths leaving your lips as you kept your legs spread. The sound of Jake’s belt clinking left you drooling, your intent eyes watching keenly as he unbuckled his belt and threw it on the ground. He unzipped his trousers, barely pulling them down as he slung out his cock from the fly front of his briefs.

“So– Soo big…” You gasped, tentatively reaching out to hold it. The heavy weight in your hand made your heart palpitate. “Doctor, ca– can you put it inside?” You jutted out your bottom lip, lashes fanning as you blinked rapidly to appeal to him. Jake poked his cheek with his tongue, the skin protruding in a manner that was so sexy, your thigh muscles clenched in place. He rustled around a random drawer below the counter to pull out a bottle of lube. He set it right in between your legs, nestling the flask against your drenched pussy while he rummaged in his personal wallet for a condom.

“You really want it?” Jake asked, voice gravelly. His composed demeanor was slowly breaking apart with each needy whine that escaped your throat, his tone now laced in its own drug of desire. You nodded eagerly, tongue lolling out of your mouth as you watched him roll the latex over his erection. He uncapped the bottle of lube with a loud “pop!” before squirting a generous amount on his dick, as if spurting ketchup and mustard over a hot dog.

Jake stroked his cock before lining it up to your entrance, his eyes locked in on the way you were clenching around air and the anticipation of his intrusion into your insides. He pulled you in close, throwing your left leg over his shoulder while your right leg was dangling over the examination bed. He held his heavy cock by the base as he slowly pushed his fat tip into your hole. You threw your head back with a gasp, the sound raw and throaty.

“S– stretching me out so much…” Your speech became slurred, eyes squeezing shut as he breached your hole. Jake’s girthy cock was expanding your muscles, which in turn, contracted around the circumference of the organ. He cursed under his breath, muttering something that your ringing ears couldn’t quite comprehend.

Feeling good was an understatement.

Fuck, he should rename himself to Dr. Heavenly Sensation or something along those lines.

His dick was throbbing inside of you, eager to fulfill your requests for pleasure. His veiny hand was keeping a dominating, but not painful, grip on your hip to keep you steady as he filled you up inch-by-inch. You were so conked out, eyes nearly crossing from how fucking full you were. “D– Doctor…” You bit your lip, eyebrows knitting together upwards. He stilled once he bottomed out, the tip of his cock hitting a spot so deep inside of you that you didn’t even know it was possible to reach.

“Doctor– Doctor, please move, please please please…” You pleaded urgently, gripping onto his white coat so you could anchor yourself to anything in order to ground your dizzy mind. Your vision was getting blurry due to the tears glossing over your eyes and how unfocused your optics were becoming. “Doctor– p– please…” You sputtered out, trying to inch your body further down his cock until your ass was touching the hairs decorating the base.

“Stay still. If you’re overeager, you’re going to hurt yourself…” He chided, fondling your clit with his thumb as he eased himself out to juuust the tip before slamming into you in one fluid motion. A broken cry left your throat, tearing your vocal cords raw. He set a slow, yet punishing pace. He withdrew his cock just enough to have you begging for him to put it back in, only for him to pound into you hard enough to jostle your insides around. The room blurred at the edges, heat rushing up your spine as your breath began to come out in uneven gasps, your throat too sore to make any noises louder than your exhalations.

“Doctor—please…” Your imploration fractured in your throat as another wave of sensation crashed through you, stealing the rest of the sentence before it could form.

“You want to know something?” He murmured, his breathing shallow and shaky as he continued to fuck into you hard. You gulped and nodded, trying to intake as much air as every thrust of his knocked you breathless. “If I angle–” He shifted his hips, fucking up into you hard. “Like– fuck, this… then…”

An expulsion of fluid came from your pussy, the force of your gushing pushing his cock out from your hole. He groaned as he watched your juices spurt onto him, soaking his cock and the lower half of his clothes. Your hips gave out, body flopped onto the examination bed. Your legs dangled off the edges, sweat rolling off your skin and soaking the parchment paper with your natural scent. Jake entered back into you, not letting your sensitive pussy rest as he fucked you with vigor this time. His hips slammed into yours, unforgiving and cruel as he intended to chase his own release. You whined, voice dying off somewhere inside your chest as you tried to squirm away.

“You beg for me to fuck you because nobody else can make you cum, not even yourself, yet you’re running from it? How ungrateful,” he lowly spoke in your ear, pulling you so close to him that there wasn’t even room for atoms to squeeze between your bodies. You whined, shaking your head. You didn’t know how to respond otherwise. “Let the doctor treat you, hm? I’ll prescribe you my cum.” He growled, hips stuttering as he pressed his cock so deep inside you that you swore you could feel him in your stomach. You felt the temperature of his cum warm the condom, and you couldn’t deny the twinge of disappointment you felt knowing that you wouldn’t be able to feel it directly. He slowly removed himself from your orifice before taking proper measures to dispose of the condom.

Jake stared at you for a moment, blinking to himself as if his mind was still racing to catch up to the situation at hand. He cleaned both of you up in almost a robotic fashion, moving slowly as he wiped you down and dressed you. You giggled as you watched him, still catching your breath and trying your best to fix your hair. Your legs were still experiencing tremors, nearly vibrating as you sat yourself up. A weak smile formed on your lips as you waited for his attention to fixate back onto you again.

“Sooo, doctor, when can I make my next appointment? I’d prefer to see you again as soon as possible, please.”

──── ⚕

Your legs still felt weak when you stepped out of the clinic.

The hallway lights were too bright, and the world outside the office felt dull, even in comparison to the gloomy insides of that clinical room. You steadied yourself against the wall for a moment before pulling your phone from your bag. An email notification banner swept down the screen.

APPOINTMENT CONFIRMATION: DR. FEEL GOOD

Your stomach dropped. A week away felt impossibly far away now that you knew what relief actually felt like. The thought of going back to the restless nights, the pacing, the unbearable tension sitting in your body like a coiled spring. It made your teeth chatter and grind against each other. Your eyes were glued to the phone screen as your shaky legs guided you back to the exit doors of the clinic. You collapsed on a nearby bench, huffing and panting.

No. This simply wouldn’t work.

Your thumb hovered over the email before you clicked the link at the bottom.

RESCHEDULE APPOINTMENT

The clinic’s booking page loaded slowly, revealing the same suspicious calendar filled with neat little white boxes with dates inscribed within them. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. You stared at the screen for a moment before selecting the earliest slot.

Then another.

And another.

Your finger moved quickly now, tapping through the week until nearly every open space was filled with your name. When you finally stopped, the confirmation page looked almost ridiculous.

APPOINTMENTS SCHEDULED: Monday – 4:00 PM Tuesday – 10:30 AM Wednesday – 10:30 AM Thursday – 4:00 PM Friday – 4:00 PM

Your shoulders relaxed instantly, a sigh of relief escaping your lips. You picked later times for the first time, knowing that it’d be best to receive a treatment closer to the end of the day. You knew once Sunghoon saw the bookings, he’d think of you oddly. But you didn’t care anymore. All you cared about was feeling good, and if you needed to book an appointment every day of the week, so be it!

You slipped your phone back into your bag and started toward the exit, feeling lighter than you had in weeks. Really, when you thought about it, all of this was practically medical. Your body clearly had a condition. A rather serious one, if the last few weeks were anything to go by.

And Dr. Feel Good was the only effective treatment.

You pushed open the door to the outside world, already looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment.

After all, treatment worked best when taken regularly, of course!

The lights in your apartment were dimmed when you entered.

The smell of ramen permeated the air, as well as the humidity that could only be brought upon the area with the poor ventilation of the stove hood. You pulled off your shoes and threw your backpack onto the couch, making your way further into the floor plan to see your precious boyfriend sitting at the kitchen island, slurping down a bowl of Neoguri.

Upon hearing your footsteps, he perked up, making eye contact with you whilst noodles fell from the seam of his lips. He lowered his chopsticks, eyebrows raising and doe eyes sparkling as he made eye contact with you. It was 3 AM, yet he still somehow looked like the most dazzling person in the entire world. His hoodie was haphazardly pulled over his head, leaving tufts of ash blond hair to lie over his forehead in messy bangs. The oversized material swallowed him whole, barely allowing his sweatpants-clad long legs to breathe from under. His slippers encased his feet, which were tapping against the island stool.

“Hi, baby,” you breathed out, so utterly enamoured by the sight before you. Heeseung finished slurping his ramen and offered you a tired, yet warm smile.

“Hi… how was studying at the library?” He asked, soft-spoken as ever. You smiled and hugged him from the side, pressing a kiss to his squishy cheek.

“It was okay, per usual. I kept getting distracted by other people, though.” You pouted, trying to hide your slight annoyance. “Why even go to a library if you’re being loud?” You complained, trying to keep your voice steady so you wouldn’t whine. “But I missed you…” You tucked your head into his hood-clad neck, breathing in slowly to take in his scent. You just needed to feel him in all of your senses so your coding-filled brain could register that he was real and that he was here.

He melted into your touch, biting down on his bottom lip. “I missed you too… You should’ve stayed home to study, then. When’s your exam?” He murmured, leaning his head to slot himself into the crook of your neck. You let out a sigh, the exhale heavier than you intended. He pulled you closer to him by the waist, fully leaning against you now. You hugged him back, your right arm slung loosely around his shoulders.

“5 PM tomorrow,” you answered. He frowned, checking his phone to see the time.

“Babeee, you should go to sleep already.”

“I might pull an all-nighter, I dunno. I tried this new energy drink called Alani.” You pulled out the hot pink can to show off the beverage. Heeseung sulked even harder at your words. “What have you been up to today, baby? Hm?” You crooned. He pouted.

“Just playin’ on my Switch. No more exams until Spring break rolls around, so I’m just waiting around for you.” He sighed loudly, trying to be overdramatic. You rolled your eyes playfully, but cupped his face to tilt his head up in order to kiss his nose and forehead.

“Ugh, I hateee being a jobful college student, unlike my cute boyfriend.” You groaned, teasing him for the contrast in your schedules. He huffed at your words, taking offense to being called jobless even though he knew you were playing.

“I don’t want to hear you complain when I choose to be your househusband, then,” he grumbled. You laughed, so utterly endeared by how absolutely cute your boyfriend was.

“Yeah? I like the sound of that. My cute husband.” You purred before pressing your lips down to his. He let out a surprised squeak, but melted into the kiss immediately, his body relaxing and mind going hazy as your lips tangoed in an intimate showcase of love and devotion. You pulled away, leaving him whining and tugging on your zip-up jacket that began to fall off your shoulders.

“Can we kiss again?” He whimpered, trying his best not to sound too pathetic. But with the way his eyes were shimmering, and his chest was panting, you could tell that the mere single kiss had already gotten him worked up. But of course, you couldn’t deny your sweet boyfriend, not when he looked delicious enough to eat. Not when he was so shy and bashful, as if he didn’t belong to you already.

You kissed him once more, letting out a satisfied hum. You gently bit down on his bottom lip, earning a gasp from him. When you pulled away, it left him trying to chase after your lips with his pouty mouth. “Baby, more…” He whined. “More kisses.”

“More? More kisses?” You hummed, caressing the soft plane of his cheek. He nodded eagerly, tilting his head up with puckered lips. You giggled at his cute and needy display, granting him his wish as you held his face in the palms of his hands, bestowing sweet pecks on his mouth. You could tell how giddy he was getting, body thrumming against yours and a grin stretching across his face. “If you keep smiling with your teeth, baby, I can’t kiss you properly,” you chided. He frowned at your remark.

“I think your kisses re-energized me, baby. So sweet, I think I can stay up all night, now,” you chatted on. He smiled shyly, looking down briefly to avoid eye contact with you. You tilted his head back up, beaming at the blush that began to color his face. “Hee, do you want me?” You coyly asked. He gulped, eyes widening at your sudden question. He stammered out unintelligible blurbs of sounds, but never answered your question directly.

He caught onto the seductive glint twinkling in your eyes and let out a shaky exhale. “Y– Yes, baby, I want you so bad… b– but it’s late, and you should sleep…” A high whimper escaped from his lips. Your hands trailed down from his face and down to his thighs, gently squeezing his firm muscles through his sweatpants. He let out a faint gasp, cock already hardening from beneath the confines of his pants. Your boyfriend was always so considerate, always looking after you. It made you want him even more.

“I don’t want to sleep, Hee. You wanna know what I really want?” You purred, leaning it to gently lick at the shell of his ear. He sniffled and nodded, not trusting himself to say anything. “I wanna suck you off. Would you let me, baby? Let me suck your cock?” You cooed.

Despite the small movement, you could clearly see the twitch of his erection in your peripheral. “Yes, please… please, baby, please, you can do whatever you want to me!” He gasped, body shuddering and back straightening as you squeezed his thighs again. You gently guided your hand to the waistband of his sweats, pulling them down enough to reveal his hard dick to your eager eyes.

His long cock was leaking, dripping pre that glided down his length. His tip was blushing a pretty pink, flushed, and needy. You dipped your fingertip down, pressing it delicately to trace the fluid around his head before gently enclosing your hand in a fist, slowly sliding your hand down his cock whilst simultaneously spreading his precum down his length. He choked at the feeling of your cold hand skating down his erection, the dry feeling making him squirm. “You’re so hard, baby…” You crooned. His apple Adam’s bobbed up and down as he gulped, eyelids hooding over his precious doe eyes as he stared at you. You pulled your hand away to gather saliva in your mouth before letting it drip down your open palm.

Heeseung watched you, eyebrows knitting and mouth agape as your hand encircled his cock once more. You slowly began stroking up and down, finally granting him a steady source of pleasure. “Mmmm!” He whimpered, his hands gripping the sides of the island stool. He wanted to look away, too shy to watch his cock jump at every stroke of your skilled hand. But he always wanted to look at you, look at how beautiful you were, and look at how much you cherished his pleasure above your own.

“Baby, look at me,” you chimed sweetly. He squirmed, letting out a series of whimpers. “Good boy…” You crooned, your stroking gaining pace as you became obsessed with the sweet little sounds he was singing into your ears. 

He gasped, hips jerking up. “I’m– Hngh, don’t– don’t say that!” Heeseung sputtered out. You faintly squeezed his cock, earning yourself another loud squeal.

“Why not, baby? You’re my good boy…” You whispered. He sniffled and wailed. “You’re so sweet, Hee…”

“Mmm…” he shyly responded, unable to absorb the praise that you were soaking him with. Your thumb came up to rub at the side of his head whenever your hand stroked upwards. “Good boy…” Heeseung babbled off, more to himself than you. His sensitive body jerked, unable to take the combination of your sweet words and the feeling of your cold hands acclimating to his cock. He gripped onto your zip-up, scrunching the fabric between his palms as he held onto you for support.

“Mmm, b– baby!” Heeseung cried, burying his face awkwardly into the crook of your tricep. Weak spurts of his cum burst from his tip, raining upon your hand like drizzling rainfall. You shushed him as he quietly whimpered, panting so so adorably like a puppy. You patted his hair, gently caressing down his locks as his hood fell down to his back. You eased him through his orgasm, still continuing to slowly stroke his cock. He let out a few pained sounds, weakly pushing away your hand.

“There we go– that’s my sweet boy, there’s my sweet Heeseung…” you crooned. He whined, blinking away the tears that began to accumulate in his ducts. You gently rubbed his cheek with your clean hand, smiling and pressing soft kisses to his temple.

But of course, with Heeseung looking up at you with those sparkly, big eyes, you couldn’t resist giving him more pleasure.

You slid down to your knees, pumping the stool to lower his body down. He let out a squeak, hands shooting to cover his cock that began to harden once more. He was throbbing, tip still oozing his fluids with every twitch of the organ. “B– baby?” He stammered, confused. You gently pushed away his hands to reveal his erection, licking your lips at the pretty sigh before your blessed eyes.

“Wanna suck you, Hee, you’re just so pretty…” You mumbled, mouthing at the side of his head. He gasped, eyebrows raising and a cute whine escaping from his throat. Your lips were slick with your saliva, mixing in with the secretion from his slit. The lubrication made your mouth slide against his sensitive tip so filthily, making Heeseung nearly wail from the stimulation.

“Se– sensitive…” Heeseung blubbered, hands gripping uselessly by his sides. Your mouth enclosed around his tip, lowering down and down until your mouth completely engulfed his long dick.

“Fuck!” He cursed, gasping loudly. His cock was completely immersed into your wet and warm orifice, the opening swallowing him whole. You gagged as his tip prodded against the back of your throat, his girth completely filling your mouth. You looked up to see his expression, and it nearly brought tears to your eyes.

Because this was your precious boyfriend, your Heeseung.

The boyfriend that spent countless all-nighters with you when you were down in the dumps about your Computer Systems and Organization exams. The boyfriend that boasted about you to his friends (even when they thought he was hallucinating a girlfriend). The boyfriend who showered you in silent love and affection to the point where you didn’t know you were drowning in devotion until you couldn’t breathe. The boyfriend whose intimacy became your oxygen.

Your Heeseung, who you spent years falling in love with over and over again.

“Is– does it hurt, baby? Y– You don’t have– ack!” Heeseung’s words of concern were cut off as you guzzled down his cock down your throat, your surge of endearment motivating you to pleasure him to the best of your ability. His eyes were mirroring yours, tear-filled and dazed. And it was the most beautiful sight that your eyes could’ve laid upon. He looked at you like you hung the stars, and it made your chest ache. If anything, it was the other way around. In your eyes, he had put up all the stars, the moon, and even balanced the sun on his pretty fingers.

You pulled off, swallowing any amount of air you could get. “Feels good, Hee? You doing okay? Not too much?” You murmured, moving your hand that was resting on his thigh to hold one of his. You rubbed the back of his hand gently, trying to reassure him that you were there for him. He nodded eagerly.

“F– feels really good… Mmm…” Heeseung shyly responded, nodding his head so fast that it looked painful. You tenderly squeezed his hand in an attempt to calm down his movements. You went back to business, swallowing down his cock that was twitching incessantly in the absence of your mouth.

Heeseung’s lashes fluttered against his cheeks as you went down on him once more, and all you could think about was how they looked the same way when he fell asleep on your shoulder during finals week. And when he bit his lip a little too hard to the point where you could see his teeth indent his skin, you remembered all of the times he told you not to do the same when you were suffering over your sorting algorithm. Your throat convulsed around him as you gagged, too caught up in your love daze to realize that his cock was choking you. His hand flew to your hair, trying to steady you and make sure you were okay, but you simply swallowed the feedback and began bobbing your head.

Heeseung tried his hardest not to thrash around, but it was so difficult with the way your mouth expertly worked on him. From the plump and smooth skin on your inner cheeks sliding against the sensitive head of his cock, to the way your tongue kept lapping at the underside of his base, everything you were doing was stimulating to the point where he could cry.

Oh. He was crying, he realized, as a tear dripped down his cheek and landed on his hoodie. You looked up as you heard Heeseung sniffle, and your eyes softened around the focused edges that they previously held. You stretched your arm to cup his cheek, patting it gently as you swept your thumb across his heated skin to wipe his tears. But they didn’t stop. A barrage of droplets from his eyes rained down his face in succession, a cause for concern. You pulled off once more, causing him to shake his head rapidly.

“Mo– more, please, don’t stop…!” He pleaded desperately. “Feels– feels guh— good, please don’t stop, ‘m a good boy…” Heeseung babbled off, making your heart wring around itself with how endearing he was. You listened, of course. When did you ever deny your precious boyfriend?

Your mouth lowered back onto him, hopefully for the last time that night, as you suckled on his sensitive tip, lapping at the copious amount of pre that began to accumulate. Your lips were tight around his cock, creating a vacuum around his shaft that brought him so much pleasure, he swore he was beginning to see stars dazzle about in his vision. Your eyebrows knitted together as you sucked his cock, determined to bring him to his climax. His fingers threaded through your hair, trying to hold onto you without causing you pain.

“Hmm– hmm!” Heeseung wailed, pursing his lips together to hide any loud noises. You frowned, pinching his thigh gently so his melodic sounds of pleasure could escape from his throat. “Mmm, gonna– gonna cum, please, please, baby, please!” He cried out, thighs tensing and legs lifting up from the stool, his knees nudging up against your breasts.

Thick ribbons of cum decorated your throat as you held your lips all the way down to his base, nestling his girth comfortably within the confines of your mouth. Heeseung’s legs twitched upwards, kneeing your breasts almost painfully, but you ignored the sharp digging in favor of allowing Heeseung to ride out his climax. He was quivering badly, his body now limp like a noodle after his tense orgasm.

You pulled your mouth off slowly, showing Heeseung the pool of cum that he filled your mouth with. He blushed, wanting to avert his eyes from how shy he was, but he couldn’t pull them away. You giggled and swallowed, making him squeak and cover his eyes.

You stood up and gently peeled his hands off from his face to see him properly. There were still tears gathered around the corner of his eyes, and you could see the faint, dried streaks of the waterworks that had dried up. “My precious Hee…” you muttered, gently caressing his cheeks and wiping away at the dried tear marks. Heeseung whined, body jolting as you gently tucked his cock back into his sweats. You cupped his face and peppered it with gentle kisses.

“My Heeseung.” mwah! “My baby.” chu! “My Hee.” kiss!

“Stoppp…” He whined, slithering his arms around your waist to steady both of you in an embrace. You giggled and pressed one last kiss to his lips. The simple showcase of affection made him melt into your body, head nuzzling into the undersides of your breast while his shoulders still shivered from the aftershocks of his intense climax.

God, you loved Heeseung so much that your body was overwhelmed with how much adoration was coursing through your veins. You couldn’t help the uncontrollable tremors that began to affect your own body.

“I love you, Heeseung.”

You thought those three words would never be enough to encapsulate the vast universe filled with your affection that centered around him. It felt too small, paling in comparison to the devotion that consumed your body, entirely dedicated to him. Loving him wasn’t a feeling anymore. It wasn’t the same, simple realization that you had three years ago when you first started dating. It became an instinct that your body adapted to and evolved around as you grew together.

The way your eyes always scanned his entire body, observing if anything was different from the last time you saw him. (Even if it was mere minutes ago.) The way that your body would begin to ache if you had gone even a couple of hours without him. The way your whole world began to realign just in favor of him, schedules changing and needs and wants prioritized differently, like he was the sole planet in your galaxy. You basically orbited around Heeseung, and honestly? You were right where you wanted to be.

Right here, with his arms wrapped loosely around your waist while his breathing slowly evened out against you in soft little puffs.

You tightened your hold on him just a little, pressing your cheek to the top of his head. He let out a satisfied sound, and you could feel his eyelashes fluttering slowly as if he were exhausted and tired out. “I love you,” you whispered again. Heeseung smiled, looking up at you, his eyes now rimmed red from how tired and spent he was.

“I love you too…” he mumbled, voice slurring from the mixture of his high coming down and his fatigue hitting him.

You checked the time. It was 5 AM, and that all-nighter was looking like a cuddle session for your boyfriend at this point. So you both turned in, burying yourselves under the covers and exchanging kisses until drowsiness kicked in. But before the final round of sleepiness hit your aching head, you couldn’t help but say one last time…

“I love you…”