#emu rambles

But now nearing 22, I’ve been reflecting more on how I used to act, and how I am now.

I know I have done things I’m not the most proud of, some still even haunts me.

It’s beyond Tumblr. It’s back when I was in FrameCast, an animation / art community app. All the way back to being on a kid’s coding app called Hopscotch, where thanks to some coders, a small art community formed and grew.

My online presence was all the way from elementary. I literally grew up on the internet, for better or worse, for a lonely, ADHD autistic kid, with a very stressful, irl living situation.

This is not to gain sympathy, or to excuse any negative feelings I caused to others beforehand, but I know I made lots, and lots of mistakes. I know I said a lot of shit that would make me explode (of embarrassment) today.

The worse part is, I don’t think I’ve changed much. I don’t feel like I’ve changed yet, I’m told I have matured and gotten better when it comes to communication and online etiquette behavior.

It’s a weird feeling. Bc you feel awful about those small hiccups and fear what you’ve done mightve impacted someone more than yourself. But you can’t call yourself a bad person… bc that version of you was a kid.

And I can’t even be fully upset at that kid. Because I know what they went through to survive. I knew who raised them. I know the internet was their only safe space to thrive and discover themselves… and it still is.

I know I can’t fix or resolve everything. But I hope accepting who I was and, who I am now, I can still grow into the someone I wanna be. And that starts with understanding I was a bit of a shithead teen with a lot of insecurities

And if I had ever done something that has affected you negatively, I’m sorry.

But also… thank you. Because it’s from this reflecting that, I realized a lot of people must’ve liked me?

CoM and Bridget… all the feedback and encouragement, fanart. I’ve had a very emotional revelation that, a lot of people loved Bridget… and CoM. I know I said thank you in the last chapter of CoM’s first fic, but looking forward to now, I don’t think I ever thanked everyone enough for it.

I reread CoM lately. Man Gwen really saved my ass am I right?

And looking at all the fanart and comments gifted, I cannot express the gratitude I feel for those who not only gave the fic a chance, but ended up loving this spunky freckled character I created for it

So yeah. I’m sorry I sucked. I think I’m getting better. And thanks for liking my stuff, because it encouraged me to keep on and improve at my passions

And if you reached the end, this is why I don’t do posts regarding my feelings. It’s messy and long and probably dumb. But thank you for reading it if you did.