#empty life

Studying? No motivation nor concentration.

Reading? No concentration.

Drawing? No inspiration.

Writting? No inspiration.

Playing ukelele? (I recently started to learn how to play it) I don't want to annoy my neighbours.

You wake up in a familiar bed, in a familiar room, but you have a sense of emptiness, a dark void. You’re not sure what this dark void is, but you feel its presence. Its been there for some time, and it seems to be getting deeper and darker every day.

The early morning sun is just beginning to peak through the curtain. Like a computer program, the brain activates. “Get up on time, don’t waste the day”, is your first comment to yourself. You need to eat, get dressed, shower and get out the door. You reach over to your charging phone beside the bed. Check the time, and inadvertently give yourself five minutes to brief yourself on news, social media, and any missed messages. Beside the reminder email that your dentist appointment is scheduled for tomorrow and your favourite jeans are on sale again, nothing in particular phases you. And then, as if an automatic switch flips, you are reminded to get up and get going; you don’t want to run behind.

As you take a minute to sip your coffee, you feel connected to life. The moment is brief, a nagging feeling quickly triggers urgency to get out the door. You quickly re-connect with your phone to reassure yourself you have all the information you need for now. With that out of mind, you quickly get ready.

Your ride to work is familiar, so it allows you to think about everything you want to accomplish. You dream of the day when you have enough time and money to do it. These thoughts bring you joy and hope. Right then and there you decide that enough is enough and you are going to make a change. Two minutes later the excitement and joy has evaporated as you remind yourself that you’ve tried before, and failed. You move past the negative thoughts and place the dreams in a safe spot for now.

Before you know it, you are parking at work. Your chest gets tight as you think to yourself how little you like working here. The people are ok, but you don’t really connect to them on a personal level. Your boss is fine, but always seems to upset you in some way. You remind yourself, that you need the paycheck and you’ll be done before you know it and be back home safely.

You find your desk and sit down heavily. Glancing at your empty desk, you have a moment of hope. “This may be a good day, it’s up to me”, you say. As you dive into the daily to-do list, that hope quickly fades and becomes clouded by an ugly and negative reality you’ve been fighting. You begin reminding yourself about your predetermined life limitations and work becomes nothing more than work. As the day drags on, you convince yourself that this is what you want right now. This is your purpose, or at least a means to a purpose. 

Throughout the day you continue to check in with our phone. After all, it’s the only thing you can really count on to be there and give you unnecessary but wanted information. In the back of your mind, you know it’s never worth it, but you also feel a need to pick it up anyway. It’s as if you’re driven by an unconscious addiction to seek an experience that will give you a dopamine hit, or just fill the dull moments with information that will trigger an emotional connection to life. 

Its five o’clock, you did it! Thank-fully the day went by quick. “Easy money”, you say to yourself.

You arrive home, tired because you worked a long day, but it’s ok, you have the weekend to look forward to. Your family is there, they give you a moment of joy as they look up from their phones and greet you with a smile. Your dog greets you with enthusiasm and you feel needed. 

As if you were driven by a motor, you quickly get through your early evening as if it was a chore. If you were to review the movements recorded, you would see yourself moving through routines robotically. Suddenly you find yourself on the couch alone. Everyone has gone to bed; the dishes are done, and the house is clean. The TV is showing a commercial you’ve already seen six minutes before. As the next commercial starts you question why you’re still sitting there. You pick up your phone and click on your favorite social media app and effortlessly find yourself looking at carefully curated photos of beautiful places and people. An advertisement catches your attention briefly, but you continue swiping and feel a brief sense of accomplishment for not making an unnecessary purchase.

The seemingly endless montage of commercials ends, and your show is back on. You can put your phone down now, its time to take a break. You’re not sure why, but you enjoy the reality show you’re watching. You look forward to the connected feeling it gives you to a “reality”. You are the audience, the commentator, the judge. As the people on the show struggle, it makes your reality feel more manageable. After all, you aren’t driving a semi truck on icy roads in Alaska.

Your show ends and you responsibly get ready for bed. Tomorrow is a big day; you have a dentist appointment. A short feeling of anxiety sets in until you re-assure yourself you gave notice to work that you will be away during the appointment. You reconfirm the appointment with your phone calendar and make sure there is a reminder set. You don’t want to miss it.

A quick snack before bed consists of some fresh nuts and a glass of water, which you eat as you stream a new show. You brush your teeth as you think about the day and what the future holds. You acknowledge you haven’t exercised this week; you feel guilty as you tell yourself to do better. Why does it seem that everyone else can manage their time and motivate themselves to keep healthy and active? The idea of the future gives you a bit of anxiety, the recent past brings unproductive guilt, but you don’t let those thoughts dominate and turn your focus to positive future ones. You move toward bed, quickly glancing at your phone during the short walk from the bathroom to the bedroom. No messages, although you know its unjustified, you feel slightly lonely and forgotten.

Your bed is comfortable, and the room makes you feel safe. Against your better judgement, you look once more at your phone glancing at your friends’ profile. They’ve posted a picture that makes you feel shallow and jealous. You quickly remind yourself that you don’t know the whole story behind the post and make yourself feel secure. You continue to fight off the uncomfortable feeling and move on to another media sharing app where you watch pointless silly videos of strangers seeking attention. You like a few videos and feel slightly better about yourself. When you see one that has a million views, it makes you feel insignificant and unaccomplished for a second, but you mange to shake the negativity - “your just not them, if you wanted the attention you could do it to”, you tell yourself.

You put your phone away for the night, close your eyes and do everything you can to turn the brain activity off. Its as if you’re a mind ninja fighting off the thoughts that want to keep you awake. One thought sneaks its way through. You jump up and grab your phone one last time and check to see if your alarm is set correctly. It is… OK now you can rest easy.

After a few minutes you drift off only to be greeted by dreams that make no sense at first, but you jump on for the ride. 

You only wake once, the bright light of your phone glows in the otherwise dark room. You remind yourself that you need to set some boundaries with your phone and quickly go back to sleep.

It’s 7:00am and the alarms gone off. Time to think about today…  

Today is cloudy and only a grey glow is coming through the edges of the closed curtain. You immediately feel disappointed, labeling the day as a bad day. As conditioned your brain notifies you the day starts now. “Get up on time, don’t waste the day” is your first comment to yourself again. You need to eat, get dressed, showered and out the door. You reach over to your charging phone beside your bed. Check the time, and inadvertently give yourself five minutes to brief yourself on news, social media and any missed messages. The news is particularly bleak today, but you only read the headlines. In your email there is reminder that your dentist appointment is scheduled today, and your favourite brand is having a shirt sale, but there also an email from your boss asking for an update on a project that’s past due. Suddenly you feel overwhelmed by life but it somehow pushes you to get out of bed.

You sit down on the couch, breath in deeply and realize you want a change, your not sure what that change is, but the prospect of change excites you and you all of a sudden feel better.

As you pick up the phone, you look at the time, you have to leave in twenty minutes to arrive on-time and maintain your perfect attendance record. You assure yourself that change is around the corner, you are going to stay committed to the effort, but now isn’t the time. With in a few minutes, as if on que, you begin to feel anxious and negative thoughts begin to dominate your emotions. It isn’t a good feeling as you question if your life will really ever get better. You calm yourself by thinking out lout “maybe my life isn’t that bad”. You question your decisions and put them back in the safe place for later thinking.

Your ride to work is again familiar, but this time you want to plan how you’re going to change life. Exciting thoughts bring you joy and hope, but these thoughts are quickly dismissed as dreams as you realize the amount of work that needs to be done and that you will likely fail, just like you did before and many have before you. You decide to calm down and pick up a coffee and doughnut from the drive thru; you deserve it.

Before you know it, you are parking. This time you do everything in your power to suppress the negative thoughts about your unenjoyably work because it might be this way for a long time. “The people are OK and your boss is fine, I’m just over thinking it”, you convince yourself. You remind yourself of the paycheck and the freedom it gives you the rest of the time and that settles the internal argument for now.

The day seems to be going slower than usual, even your phone doesn’t appear to offer much needed company and support, but you stay committed to finding something in it. Finally, its time to go to the dentist, a break at last.

Coming straight home after the dentist feels like a gift. You’re still tired, but you’re one day closer to the weekend. Your family is there, they give you a moment of joy as they look up from their phones and greet you with a smile and a hello. Your dog greets you with much needed enthusiasm and you feel needed again.

As if driven by a mortar, you quickly get through your evening again without even thinking about it. Again, you suddenly find yourself on the couch alone. Everyone has gone to bed; the dishes are done, and the house is clean. The TV is showing a commercial you’ve already seen six minutes before. As the next commercial starts you question why you’re still sitting there. As if by auto-pilot, you pickup your phone, and open your favorite social media app. You find yourself looking at carefully curated photos of beautiful places and people. An advertisement catches your attention. You remind yourself how last time you didn’t make an unnecessary purchase, so you kind of owe yourself.

An hour has gone by since your show has ended, and the TV is now showing the next scheduled show. You normally wouldn’t watch this show, but you’re more focused on the shirt you’ve chosen and that is now sitting in your virtual shopping cart. $49.00, but shipping is free, and you know you need a new shirt, and its been a while since your last purchase. As your finger hovers above the “complete purchase” button you are filled with mixed emotions, but as always you convince yourself you need and deserve it. You further remind yourself that you work hard at a job you don’t overly enjoy; you might as well enjoy spending the money. You push away any guilt easily and tell yourself its time for bed.

A quick snack before bed consists of a cookie and a glass of water. You brush your teeth as you think about the day and what the future holds. You acknowledge you still haven’t exercised this week; you feel guilty as you shame yourself to do better. You question if you will ever get life right. The idea of the future gives you a bit of anxiety, the past shirt purchase brings guilt, but you don’t let negative thoughts dominate as you force positive thoughts in. Although you believe these positive thoughts are artificial, you ensure they remain in focus for now.

You move toward bed, quickly glancing at your phone during the short walk from the bathroom to the bedroom. Still no message from your boss about your finished project submission. Your mind begins to wonder unintentionally as unanswerable and unwarranted questions start coming - you shut them down swiftly.

Once in the comfort of your bed, the room makes you feel safe again. As if driven against your will and better judgement, you look once more at your phone glancing this time at your own profile. You see a picture of yourself that makes you feel insecure. You quickly delete the photo and feel instantly better but remain unsettled and move on. Once again you find yourself watching, unproductive, silly videos of strangers. You like a few but unfortunately still don’t feel any better about yourself. As you’re reading comments on one particular video, you see a troll saying some hurtful things. Without hesitation, you make your opinion known only to delete it shortly after, as another person disagrees with you and attacks your integrity. You recognize the toxicity of social media and tell yourself that one day you will delete it and be happy. However, today you will just focus on turning the Do Not Disturb function on the phone so it doesn’t disturb your sleep tonight. Although it’s a bit risky that an important call might come in, you know it’s the right call for tonight.

You put your head down, close your eyes and do everything you can to turn the brain activity off. Your brain ninja seems to be weak today and random thoughts seem to take over, enticing anxiety, but you know to keep your eyes closed. Suddenly, like clock work, you jump up and grab your phone one last time and check to see if your alarm is set correctly. It is, you shake your head and put your head back down and start the process of falling asleep from the beginning.

After a few minutes you still haven’t been able to fall asleep. You feel yourself getting agitated at the fact and quickly find yourself self medicating with melatonin and calming down by listening to a sleep story on your phone. You don’t even feel yourself drift off as you fall asleep.

In the middle of the night you wake. Your unsure what caused it but you turn over and try to fall back asleep. Within a couple minutes you give up and grab your phone to check the time; it’s 5:20 am. You still have an hour of sleep to go. Without giving it much thought, you’ve checked your messages and noticed a missed text from your friend asking if you are still up. They sent it at 12:10 am, and you wonder what they wanted. You sent a “?” text back without anticipating a quick reply.

Now you are up, no sense trying to sleep now. Even with the exhaustion from the week, stress, and lack of sleep, your brain is too active to shut down. You quickly find yourself mesmerized by your phone while being bombarded by a sea of information you never thought to think about. Who knew you could plant your own avocado?

You stop looking at your phone for a moment and look up. You’ve come to a realization, the dark void you feel isn’t your life, its your addiction to technology and the emptiness it brings.

Find a #altrock song

Swine Tax - Empty Life