#emmadex

it’s one of the great cosmic mysteries. how it is that someone can go from being a total stranger, to being the most important person in your life.

Emma was so much more than just his wife or the love of his life. She was arguably the only person that he could talk to honestly. And when she died, he had no one to talk to about his feelings about his grief. Because she was the one he always went to with that and now she’s gone.

I think this relates back to his relationship with his mom, who is probably the only person he saw himself in. And when his mom died, he didn’t know how to handle it. This is the same with Emma.

Emma was the most intimate, deepest relationship he had. And when he lost that relationship, he lost himself. When he lost Emma, he lost not only his past or his present, but the future they were building together, the future he envisioned for them.

When the night was full of terrors And your eyes were filled with tears When you had not touched me yet Oh, take me back to the night we met

But to me, the portrayal of Dexter's grief in 2004 was more heartbreaking. Everything leading up to the box room scene was nerve-wracking. You could feel his pain simmering right under the surface. He didn't want to socialize with their loved ones on her death day. They try and try to engage him in the conversation and yes, you can feel his guard fall down for a moment and he relaxes. They joke around about his loft but he closes himself back up the moment he hears himself say her name out loud. That's when he remembers. They all can see it and he knows they can see it but he's not comfortable sharing his feelings with the others again. I think he was tired of being pitied and coddled when all he wanted was to be alone with his thoughts because that way, he could feel closer to her. He could see her and talk to her even in his imagination. He was barely holding it together during the entire conversation. That's why he ran for the bottle the moment the door closed.

2004 Dexter and 2003 Dexter are one and the same except he got better at masking his pain. Not for his own sake but for the others, and most definitely for his daughter. (edit: He even repeats the line “It’s just a day” when Sylvie and Ian ask him how he’s doing) That makes me terribly sad for him. How do you move on from such a great love without feeling guilty? How do you move on when all you want to do is live in your grief so her memory never leaves you?

DEXTER, EMMA & JAZZ