#emin-san's vents...

I apologize everyone for not telling you all this earlier when I came back from school and work four hours ago, but I have to state this out again...

That IRL girl best friend and I that have gotten into a fight, we have again talked normally and hung out nicely again for two or three weeks now, but suddenly today?... She just changed her mood completely with me, and when I asked her is she mad at me, she told me she isn't mad but doesn't want to hang out with me, which genuinely confused and hurt me...

I also know I've deleted those vent posts about her, but it's cause I thought she would want to hang out with me again... But I get it, some people even after they've gotten over what happend, don't want to hang out with you, but why change your mood so suddenly?... Yesterday she was all happy and laughing with me, having good time with me, but then she suddenly turned cold on me... I literally thought that this end of school year and work was gonna be good, and I don't know if I can trust her anymore... TT_TT;

I've already woken up, and I have to tell you all something I've kinda been overthinking about yesterday after I came back from school and last night..

I have honestly been thinking about how my sensitivity is always making me so sad and upet and even how I overthink small stuff and how when I make a small mistake that's not a big deal can make someone angry and upset, to the point where you have to apologize a good lot of times until you know they have genuinely forgiven you... T_T

I feel like I'm getting worse in drawing some stuff like what I've felt like before... I feel like 5th graders would be better at drawing than me at this point, and I'm now getting a bit insecure at this point. I was also stressed these few days for my personal and physical reasons, both with being a people-pleaser, feeling pressured by so many 'jumping to conclusions' questions, and wanting to draw so badly, but then ending up feeling horrible... *clutching my head* I thought drawing was supposed to be fun, and not something that makes you feel worried on every small mistake or detail... 💔

Just came at my nana's house an hour ago, and I can't help myself from thinking... do I annoy or anger the people around me on here? My friends and close mutuals?... I don't know why do I feel this feeling that I make some mad....

One of the reasons why I think like this is also because I saw a post by one of my friends who I won't name for privacy reasons, saying that they hate when someone makes gifts for the people they consider their 'friends' but not them, which I felt like I'm that person... *clutching my head* I don't mean to ignore anybody... I want to make everyone happy all equally and give them all my equal love...

I want to mention that I hate it when I don't respond to somebody's (one of my friends, who I won't mention for safety reasons) multiple messages in DMs on here or even asks on the ask box, they automatically make a vent post saying they feel ignored by everyone and even how they get pissed off when a friend of theirs makes gifts for their OTHER FRIENDS and not them... And I constantly feel like those posts are targeted towards me in particular... Am I seriously a bad friend?...

I also don't like how some get intense mood swings towards me... like, one moment they're all happy and fine with me and suddenly the next moment they send me some vent posts that almost seem like guilt trips to get gifts from me... Obviously, I feel bad that they go through some stuff IRL on their side, but you can't just guilt-trip like that...

And to say, whenever that friend wants comfort, I tried to comfort them, but then I feel like I will just get pushed away... I try to help. I try to comfort. I want to give you my genuine support as much as I can. But I can't give everybody at the same time so many gifts and comfort and then in the end my help gets crashed down like a ton of legos...

Note: I still love that friend of mine as my friend, but seriously... they need to understand that I have other friends too, and even my own matters to attend to as they do too. And I can't respond to their 40+ messages in DMs... T_T

I feel like my feelings and wishes don't matter to some. Ah feel like I'm close with a self-centered person that I won't name for privacy reasons, who only cares about their own wishes and wants me to full-fill them with them... For example roleplays. That's something that has been happening recently and even ever since this summer... Now these few days I was recently telling her that I don't want to roleplay now cause I'm not in a mood, and yesterday, she was a slight bit pushy about it before she finally let me be for the rest of the day... And we constantly did their roleplays and their ideas this one month or so. And they don't even bother asking me what I would like to roleplay with them, like, my ideas...

*clutching my head* That's also even with art ideas.. I don't care if they're Hero 108 related, I only take them when I ask for them and even from my friends and bffls I genuienly full-on trust. And even a couple of times, we did art trades together, but they would make something for me that I didn't even tell them to do... And especially automatically started an art trade with me without asking me first... I feel like I'm with a little child, and not someone who's in their teens and has already should've known better how to treat others, if they want to be treated the same...

I also feel like she's kinda clingy to me, and she even unhealthly, obssesively loved me... Now they don't really, but still, it's like I'm a robot for creating joy for them.. I'm also still trying to give her some advices and lessons to change, but I'm not sure if she'll seriously take them serious and important, but I get that she's also scared on losing me as her bff.... But still.... I have my limits.

And again... I truly want to also be asked about my ideas, my wishes, my desires... Especially when in a friendship with someone, or a lot of people in my Big Group... Is that too much to ask for?...

Am sorry everyone for so suddenly having this mood swing, but I had to vent this out what's been going on to me lately... I wanted to vent this yesterday, but I didn't want any of y'all my brave heroes and friends to see me so sad, upset, and even angry to say, so suddenly... T_T; 💔

Forgive me everyone for making another vent post today, but I have to vent another thing that happend today with my nana right now since she and I are alone in the house... -//-

I was just having a talk to her about my school and work and other stuff, with everything going well, until she then started to smarten up to me about religion and how I should focus on islam more, which I do infact do... but I sometimes get stressed when talking about islam. I love my religion as a islamic man, but some stuff and rules stress me up a bit, especially when someone forces it down my throat on some stuff... T_T

I then just got upset that she was comparing me to some people a very good lot younger than me who know a lot more about islam than me, so I just got up and went back to my room, and I don't think I'll talk to her at all 'till tommorow... T///T

another small vent but even announcement. I may truly close my requests permanetly due to my mental stability and my emotions and sensitivity as I have seriously been hurt during his summer but tried to push myself together, but Ah truly couldn't, especially as the people I don't know and who don't truly know me also sometimes request me stuff, and I must say... it seriously pissed me off... so from now on, I'll only accept art trades from only my friends and the people I trust in my big group and when I ask for them, and that also goes for art ideas, but only when I ask for them, but I'll see for that.

And even art collabs are only for the people I trust in my big group, that also goes for art competitions and contests...