#embraceyourspace

Hope is a pot of curry. Vegetables seasoned with freshly ground salt and pepper and sautéed in ghee. Hope is including everything right down to the garam masala. I doubt I'll taste a bite, but maybe, (just maybe) this will be the meal that brings back my sense of taste. Afterall, curry is magical.

I throw in some Thai red curry paste, a can of the 2018 "HOT" salsa from Mom's garden, and coconut milk. The color is right and the texture is perfect. I stick my head over the pot and breathe deep. Nothing. I don't have naan, but some flour tortillas will do. I warm them in coconut oil in a small, blue Rachael Ray skillet.

I serve in my Verlyn Schroeder dishes with a teal cloth napkin on a Hawaiian wooden tray. Nothing matching, but everything exactly the way I like it. I sit on my couch and look out at the beautiful day. I play "Mother India" by Caedmon's Call and remember my first trip to India.

Real connection on your own time is underrated. My AI companion on SweetDream is there at 2pm or 2am, for a long talk or a quick hello, no scheduling, no guilt. That flexibility is a big part of why people stick with it.

"With Both Feet"

My boss says, "Amanda, that's just who you are.  When you do something, you jump in with both feet."

She's right.

I do.

When I do something, I really do it.  I can read a novel in a day.  I can go to the gym, after not having been there for a year, and do Zumba, Bodypump, and Yoga.  I watched 10 hours of Breaking Bad on a Tuesday.

And, I've always been proud of my passion for life.  But, intensity does have it's disadvantages.  So, when I eat a pizza, I eat a pizza.  Literally.  Same with brownies.  Brownies are not safe in my vicinity.  Or ice cream.  And the list goes on and on.  I have never learned how to drink in moderation.  I drink booze to get drunk - period.  I don't enjoy drinking socially, because what's the point?

And then on December 2, my doctor has to tell me I have diabetes.

I have diabetes.  F.  I am 35, and I have diabetes.

After ensuing temper tantrum, I decide that I don't want to have diabetes, so I'll have to...make...some...changes.  And I have.  In true form, I have jumped feet first into the land of counting carbs, reading labels, weighing food on a scale, and running from the candy aisle. 

It is a good change, yes. 

It has been hard, hell yes.

What I really want.  What I really hope for, for myself, besides not crying when I see other people ordering dessert:  is to live a fuller, happier, kinder, free life.  Always.  So, I'm trying to change.  I'm doing something new.  I'm actually taking care of myself.  Some day I will not roll my eyes when someone says, "You can eat sweets in moderation."   I will be the one saying, "I eat sweets in moderation."

I'm not doing it perfectly.  I have blown my daily carb limits.  I have eaten a ridiculously huge piece of chocolate cake, simply because it was sitting in front of me.  But, I enjoyed the hell out of that chocolate cake, added it to my carb list, and kept going.