#elsiane

(I edited the prompt a little, since Yae’s and Astarion’s relationship isn’t a traditional romance.)

Thanks to @oonalovesastarionssimpleplan, @litsenn, @elceewunjo, @ranger-jahen and @izumiphoenix for tagging me! (I hope I didn't omit anyone!)

See full picture here

Low Roar, Anything You Need

The lyrics are short and simple, so I’ll quote them in their entirety:

Come in, come in, come in Take anything you want from me Come in, come in, come in Take anything you need Anything you need

For me, this is how Yae’s perspective on Astarion starts shaping in late Act 2 / early Act 3. Though the tadpole allows Astarion to ignore his vampiric weaknesses for now, the Come in… lines evoke both the metaphorical sense of letting someone into your life (something unusual for Yae, to drop his defences like this, and all the more significant), but also the more literal meaning of inviting the vampire in, of letting him enter freely despite all the social prejudice and warnings (which Yae never was into to begin with) – and to make home with you. It speaks about granting someone a place to belong.

Yae doesn’t believe he has much to offer, but he recognises that throughout his existence, Astarion had even less – and that there’s a void that needs to be filled, and Yae is willing to give all without expecting anything in return, even to his own detriment (not that Astarion would at this point deliberately hurt him; it’s just that Yae does have a bit of a self-destructive streak, which, I imagine, he works on later with Astarion’s support).

And it can also be read as sating the vampire’s hunger. Yae doesn’t enjoy the act of feeding, and I also believe Astarion prefers to drink from other creatures so to not associate satisfying his basic needs and survival with something that may be viewed as sexual. But if a need arose, Yae would share his own lifeblood (which again can have a metaphorical meaning, but let’s try not to stray too far), glad it at least is of use to someone else.

I think the act of giving makes Yae less nihilistic.

I also like the fact that the song mentions things that one wants and things that one needs separately. Firstly, because it’s something that’s easy to confuse. Secondly, because there’s that widespread notion that beggars can’t be choosers. But while it’s important to satisfy basic needs first, people who have nothing are allowed to want something extra, too: sweets, or nice clothes, or some other kind of “luxury”.

And while we’re on the topic of giving even as one has little to nothing to offer, I wrote about it in my short fic, A Pauper’s Gift – because I believe Astarion, even in Act 1, has it in himself to be kind and selfless. He just doesn’t want to admit it, because he views it as a weakness. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think Astarion isn't a giver – quite the contrary, I think this relationship is heavily based on them both giving; it's just that it comes more naturally to Yae, who have experienced kindness in his life, whereas Astarion comes from a place kindness was solely punished, so he needs a little more time and patience.

Okay, it’s becoming too long and too rambly, let’s move on to the other song.

Or maybe not, since I need to mention one more thing, haha. I could list a lot of Low Roar’s songs here. Their calm, melancholic beauty is something that often makes me think of Yae.

Elsiane, Nobody Knows

Becoming what we don’t want to be Suffering all by ourselves

Astarion never chose to become a vampire, and in the past, Yae often wished he was someone else – or rather, like everyone else. They both know suffering and loneliness on a very intimate level.

Will you realise what has happened to me Will you repair all the falling tears

This is a plea to be seen, but also a challenge, even a snarky rebuttal: no one can change the past, you can’t “save” or “fix” me. None of them wants to be fixed anyway; they both want to be accepted. But also none of them tries to act like a saviour to the other person.

Nobody knows the pain that you’re in No one will try to understand Nobody knows the life that you’ve lived Nobody cared, no one was there

Again, a profound loneliness, but also the need to mask, to hide the pain, to not let yourself be vulnerable – also because at this point they’re jaded and don’t believe anyone even could care (“Other people don't have a heart like you. (...) No one is like that.”).

Why won’t you help me Why won’t you tell me It’s been hurting

I believe a lot of OCs bond with Astarion over trauma and it’s no different for Yae. I can imagine any of them noticing in the camp in Act 2 during evenings the other one is missing and going to look for him, then sitting together quietly for hours, just staring into the shadow-infested landscape and brooding in silence, then slowly, reluctantly, opening up, exchanging remarks about how hurtful life is, and feeling unexpectedly better just because someone else knows the pain, too.

They wouldn’t try to be positive and cheer each other up; they wouldn’t try to moralise or rationalise; they wouldn’t offer unsolicited counsel; they wouldn't judge or compare traumas. Instead, they’d listen. They’d accept it’s not possible to fully understand the other person’s experience, but would respect it nonetheless; they would acknowledge and validate the wounds. That would result in the discovery that, despite leading vastly different lives, they have a lot in common.

Again, I feel like quite a few tracks from Elsiane’s Mechanics of Emotion could fit here. And the name of the album itself is very telling: emotions aren’t rational, but mechanics suggests some kind of an organized system. Yae would definitely like to be able to understand emotions on a logical level, to measure them and categorise neatly. Both he and Astarion have to learn to recognise and name what they feel and what they need – and they can explore it together.

Sorry if this was too long and dark, but on the other hand – you’re asking me for my thoughts and headcanons at your own risk, haha.

Bostanlı ev

İnsan olmaktan haz etmediğim anlardan bazıları da; kendimi bile anlayamadığım, saatlerce neyi neden yaptığımı veya niye bu şekilde hissettiğimi analiz etmeye çalıştığım o rahatsız edici durumlar.

Bok gibi hissedilen bir güne son vermeye çalışıp erkenden yatağa girmek de faydasız oluyor ya bazı durumlarda zira o çok bilmiş beyin bunu ben hallederim deyip kurtulmak istenilen düşüncelerin aynısını rüyaya sokuyor bu sefer. Oldu mu sana kabus?