One of my favorite recurring moments in the ACOTAR series is how tuned Feyre is into Elain and Azriel. Whether it’s painting a scene of them in her mind or recognizing how well they complement each other, she continously wonders about them, and I can't help but do the same.
In Silver Flames we have Nesta catching onto how Azriel is feeling towards Elain. Yet another sister connects the two...perhaps leading us to do the same.
It all begs the question that fascinates me most: Do we follow an arguably unwelcome expectant fate, or do we dare defy it?
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Slowly working through the endings for a handful of @elriel-month that definitely didn't get done in May. This was originally planned to be a four parter, but now it's gonna be a six parter. Hope you enjoy! As always- take a look over on AO3 if you want.
One Month After
She walked down the steps, the light still dim as she clutched to the handrail. It was time to start the ovens for the morning round of baking. She tugged her hat down a bit more firmly- with half of her head shaved- the bitter cold sank more easily into her bones. It was her first morning back in the bakery and while she felt nerves walking down the stairs to start the day, she was excited. Normal. She was finally getting back to normal.
She unlocked the back door and then secured it behind her. A pot of coffee hummed to life as she turned on the ovens and began pulling breads from the proofer. Muffins were baked late in the day, bread was fresh each morning- most of her recipes required a long, slow proof. She stared at the half finished spring recipes and pulled out a bit of croissant dough for testing. She had time to play this morning as the staples baked.
A knock at the backdoor and she jumped up from her stool. She walked to the backdoor, a smile spread across her face as she saw his silhouette. She quickly let him in and he wrapped her up tight. He smelled like antiseptic wipes and sterilization- his hospital smell. She loved and hated it at the same time- she wanted to smell him, but she also knew that this was part of his routine to not bring illnesses home to her. The day he’d said that, she’d fallen a bit harder. He pressed a quick kiss to her lips and she settled against him. Good. He felt so good.
“Evening.”
“Morning, Lainey. I’m going to go up and shower- you need any help?”
“No- just glad you’re home safe.”
“Me too.”
Another kiss, a quick squeeze and he disappeared back outside to run upstairs. What had started as an agreement that he’d help with her PT and OT had turned into half of her things at his place and more than half of his things at hers. Their first date ended with him asking if she was willing to split time between their homes- not quite under one roof, but more often than not they stayed at the same home each day. Part of her was terrified at how quickly things were moving and another part of her thoroughly relaxed as he held steady. As he did not change. As he was just the man that she had fallen in love with slowly and now that they’d admitted it, he leaned in. He leaned fully into them. And she had never experienced being cared for in this way- so wholly, so completely- no reservations, he was just there.
She thumbed through her notes- most of which had been abandoned after her accident, the pistachio citrus croissants still haunted her. Even though Azriel had assured her that recent attempts were improving, he agreed with her when she said that they were not sellable yet. Azriel didn’t coddle her- it was something she had not expected, but it endeared him to her even more. He was what she needed, in ways that she had never expected.
She let out a sigh and scribbled more notes next to her recipe- what she was going to try to change this time. Then she began to play. She moved back and forth between the ovens as her morning stock baked, returning to the recipe between timers. The newest version of the croissants moved to the rest rack just as Nuala and Cerri let themselves in. Quick nods and then they went to work. She still struggled with too much conversation- her mouth struggled to keep up with what her mind wanted her to say. She missed her friends, but she understood why small talk should be saved until after the rush. She wondered for a moment if Azriel warned them about how hard today might be.
“You need to eat.”
“Az, I will. I don’t have time–”
A breakfast sandwich pressed to her lips and she glared up at him. He hadn’t showered. He had made her breakfast. And with that knowledge she took a bite and then took the sandwich he offered. She leaned into him and just settled there, her body relaxed in the way it only did when she was with him. Quiet. They both craved the quiet after the hours of constant noise that their jobs required. The bell twinkled and she pulled herself upright.
“Wake me when you come up.”
“Az- you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”
“I want to hear about how today goes and your latest try with the croissants. I’m not working tonight- I’ll be fine. Please- wake me.”
***************
She crept into the apartment in the early hours of the evening. Her day had been exceptionally busy- mostly catching up with regulars. Telling the story of what had happened, catching up on their lives, remarking on how the scar would be a ‘cool story’ for her kids someday, and most of them saying how much they missed her. After the lunch rush finished- she’d spent hours baking. Hours more than she was supposed to be at work right now, but it had felt so good to be in her place again. Doing the things that she loved was a privilege and she loved this bakery.
Azriel laid sprawled across her…their…bed- he’d thrown off the duvet at some point during the day and her eyes wandered the expanse of his back, his uniform black boxer briefs the only clothing he bothered to wear. She slipped off her clogs and placed the newest experiment on the counter. She desperately wanted to take a hot shower and hoped it would push the exhaustion away. She looked up and was met a set of groggy hazel eyes.
“Evening, Lainey.”
“Good Morning.”
“You’re exhausted, but you look happy. Go shower- I’ll make you dinner.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
“Quiet tonight?”
“Please.”
She pulled him in for a kiss, the relaxation washed over her. He picked her up and carried her to the tiny bathroom- the only thing they hated about her place as opposed to his. She longed for the deep bath and a soak that could only happen there, but they both knew she was too tired to travel over to his place tonight. A disastrous night a few weeks back had taught them both that lesson.
He turned on the water, checked the temperature and then slipped from the bathroom. There was so much she wanted to say- so much she wanted to share, but it was too much. Everything was too much. She stepped into the steaming water and a groan left her lips, the tension leaving her body. She heard the dryer kick on and grateful tears sprung to her eyes. A warm towel. What would this man not do? When she got done and turned the shower off, his hand appeared with the outstretched towel and she let out a contented sigh.
She wrapped herself in warmth- she wished it was him. They’d just not found the time and for the first three weeks of this arrangement- he had soundly said that Thesan would kill him if her recovery was put at risk by his libido. So she hadn’t tried to persuade him, she wanted so badly to persuade him now. She stepped out into the studio and grabbed the pajamas he’d laid out- the smell of pasta floating through the air. If she had to guess it was her favorite dish that he made- his fast meals being one of the first things she’d noticed about his domestic skills.
“I thought…I thought…I opened a bottle of the nebbiolo we bought last week. To celebrate your first day back in the bakery.”
“Not against doctors orders?”
“Thesan will never know and you’ve been discharged from their care.”
“What about your care?”
“I’m not going anywhere, Lainey. I’m right where I want to be.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Months After
He sat in the staff locker room, head in his hands, someone else’s blood all over him. It had been a bad shift, a horrible shift even. On a normal night shift- he would walk out exhausted. Right now, he was not even sure that he could walk out. He still had to shower and return his scrubs and change and get home. Fuck. He glanced at his cell phone and quickly typed out a message. He was already an hour late and at this rate he was still several hours from being able to be around Elain. He refused to take this shit home to her.
Home. It had been over a decade since someplace felt like home, someone felt like home. He’d feared that this would be too much for Elain- that she would say she wanted space. He’d give it to her. God, he’d give her whatever she asked of him. He should probably see a therapist about how her injury affected him. There had been a handful of times that something had stuck with him and it rolled over into his work day. In the past it had been domestic violence cases that tore him up the most. Another head injury had come in tonight and the patient didn’t survive. They’d done everything they could and he could still hear the anguished cries from the patients family. Every time he closed his eyes- he just saw Lainey and it was killing him.
He heard the door open and close, but he didn’t look up. There were only a handful of people that might disturb him- all of whom knew what he was struggling with. When the coffee was held in front of him, he finally looked up. Monday. Elain’s day off from the bakery and as he met her eyes he let out a shaky breath.
“Thesan let me in. I showed him your texts. Az…Azriel let’s get you clean. Let’s get you home.”
“I can do it. It was just a lot today- you don’t…I can’t bring this home…I’ll get myself together and be home soon.”
“It’s nearly noon, baby. Let me help. Once I get you home, we’ll get you some food, sleep. It’s been a really long 4 days, but you don’t have a shift again until Sunday. Will you let me help?”
He looked down at his phone again. Missed messages from her, missed messages from Thesan. He was sure he hadn’t fallen asleep, his mind had just been turning over the last shift for hours. He finally nodded and she stepped forward, immediately pulling at his scrub top and he forced himself to his feet. The lack of food hit him and he swayed in her arms. He’d call his therapist as soon as he got home. He couldn’t keep going through shifts like this. Where so many injuries brought him back to that day that it had been her.
She stripped him down and he felt shame wash over him. Her hand cupped his cheek and he forced his eyes back up to hers. There was so much blood on him still, so much. And as much as he wanted to sink in to her, he knew he shouldn’t.
“I’m going to go grab Thesan. If you pass out on me, there’s nothing I can do to stop you from hurting yourself. Sit. Be right back.”
He nodded, felt her leave and just settled against the lockers. He always struggled at the end of a four day shift, but this was the worst it had been in years. When he heard the footsteps again, Thesan gave him a smile and he tried to glare at him and failed.
“You got you a good one, Az. She’s running downstairs to get you some food. Jesus Christ- what happened last shift?”
“Motorcycle versus semi. He was still alive when he got here, but…he didn’t have a helmet. His head, his face. There was blood everywhere.”
“And you saw her on that gurney again.”
“Yeah. I’m calling Amren once I get home. I thought…I thought I was through the worst of it. I’ve not blacked out like that in years. When she came in- I thought it had only been a few minutes since I texted her.”
“Are you still between places?”
“Yeah. I don’t sleep as well without her. And her family was in town this weekend so…” A look from Thesan and he let out a groan. “I know. I just can’t bear the idea of asking her to move into mine when that means 4 am treks down to the bakery.”
“So renovate hers or find a place closer to the bakery. There’s some new luxury apartments going up near there- that would be great for you two.”
“She’s not going to let me do that. She’s stubborn.”
“And she hates seeing what a long shift does to you. When…when Callum and I were getting serious, we went through something similar. He surprised me with the apartment we own now. He’d done all the research, figured out how far would be ideal for both of our commutes. It helps that Callum’s career is also lucrative, but…you could do the same.”
He stared as the water slowly went from pink to clear. Thesan stood nearby, keeping a steady eye on him. They’d done this hundreds of times, even if it was something neither of them wanted to admit. Some shifts were too hard to handle alone and some showers were a catharsis for their souls. He pressed his hands against the tile and let the sobs come. She was alive. She was safe. It was not her on that gurney. It was not HER on that gurney.
“Let’s get you dried off and home, Az. She’ll take care of you.”
“I’m supposed to take care of her.”
“God damn it, dude- you do. But you’re the one that needs it today.”
******************
He recognized his sheets and let out a groan. A quick look at the clock let him know it was nearly 8pm, he’d slept the entire day away. Damn it. After Elain had gotten him food and he’d forced himself to call Amren’s office- he’d passed out. He thought Elain would wake him up around 5 so that they would have some time before she passed out for the night, apparently he’d been in really rough shape this morning.
He glanced over at his wardrobe and just shook his head. There was no point to put on anything more than what he was wearing. He’d be curling up with Elain soon enough and between their body heat, he would be sweating in a matter of moments. He padded down the hallway and could smell what woke him up- she’d made her famous quiche. He walked up behind her and pulled her into his chest.
“Hey. You sleep good?”
“You should have woken me up earlier.”
“Absolutely not. I don’t know what happened, but you were out of it by the time I got you home. You needed this rest.”
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He wanted to get them back to her place, but based on her being in pajamas- she was not going to want to leave. She needed to be asleep soon to get to the bakery the next day. He hated days like this. He absolutely hated days like this.
She made him a plate and passed him a cup of coffee. He lived on night shift and in the past five years he’d never regretted it. He regretted it now as she led him over to the couch and settled in next to his side. He was still only half awake and she was half asleep next to him. He ate in silence, one of his hands rubbing her side. Thesan had a point and once he got her settled tonight, he would research. He would figure out how to make things better for the both of them.
As Elriel Month comes to an end, I keep finding myself returning to the same song over and over again: Beautiful Things by Benson Boone. And every time I listen to it, I find another reason why it feels so deeply connected to Azriel—not only in Shadows of Noxhaven, or WSTB, but in ACOTAR itself.
Because at its core, this song is not really about love.
It is about fear.
It is about the terrifying vulnerability that comes after happiness finally arrives.
The fear that appears when someone who has spent years, centuries even, surviving on very little suddenly discovers something worth losing.
And if there is one thing that has always defined Azriel for me, both in canon and in the stories I write, it is precisely that.
When we meet Azriel in Shadows of Noxhaven, he is not broken. He is not miserable. He is not a male actively searching for salvation. In many ways, he has already built a life for himself. He has friends who would cross worlds for him, responsibilities he takes seriously, a position of power, purpose, routine, discipline and stability. Yet there is something profoundly lonely about him from the very beginning. There is a coldness to the way he moves through life, not because he lacks people around him, but because he has become so accustomed to darkness that he no longer expects anything else.
Noxhaven itself reflects that reality.
The city belongs to the night.
The shadows belong to him.
And he belongs to them.
The darkness is not something he fights against anymore. It has become familiar. Comfortable. Safe in the way old wounds become familiar. He understands loneliness. He understands restraint. He understands silence. He understands existing rather than truly living.
And then, one morning, he stops in front of a flower shop.
A flower shop.
Not a battlefield. Not a political gathering. Not some grand magical event.
A flower shop overflowing with life.
And standing at its center is a female who smells like honey and jasmine, whose hands create beauty from flowers, whose kindness is effortless, and whose presence immediately begins changing the emotional landscape of Azriel’s life without either of them fully realizing it.
That is why I keep thinking about the image above.
Because what I see in it is not passion.
Not yet.
What I see is vulnerability.
There is something almost painfully gentle about the way they are looking at each other. Azriel’s gaze is not guarded. Elain’s gaze is not fearful. Neither of them is hiding behind masks in that moment. There is trust there. Curiosity. Affection. The quiet intimacy that develops long before love is ever spoken aloud.
And that is exactly why it hurts.
Because that image feels like the visual representation of the line:
“There’s no man as terrified as the man who stands to lose you.”
Not because Azriel already has her.
But because somewhere along the way she has become important enough that losing her would matter.
For most of his life, Azriel has been familiar with darkness. Darkness cannot surprise him. Darkness cannot disappoint him. Darkness asks nothing from him except endurance.
Elain is different.
Elain introduces hope.
And hope is infinitely more frightening.
Because once hope enters your life, you become aware that it can disappear.
That is why the opening lyrics resonate so strongly with me when I think about Azriel:
“For a while there, it was rough. But lately I’ve been doing better than the last four cold Decembers I recall.”
The word that stands out to me there is cold.
Because Azriel’s life has always felt cold.
Not empty.
Not meaningless.
Just cold.
There is duty.
There is responsibility.
There is survival.
There is routine.
But there is very little warmth.
And then Elain enters his world carrying flowers, sunlight, softness and life itself. Suddenly he finds himself lingering in places he never would have lingered before. Returning to places he has no logical reason to revisit. Thinking about a female long after their conversations have ended. Paying attention to details he normally would never notice.
The way she laughs.
The way she smells.
The way she rearranges flowers.
The way his shadows react around her.
The way she makes him feel.
And perhaps that is the most important part.
Because Azriel does not initially fall in love with Elain.
He falls in love with the version of himself that exists around her.
The version that smiles more.
The version that relaxes.
The version that hopes.
The version that begins imagining a future that extends beyond survival.
That is why another lyric always reminds me of him:
“I found my mind, I’m feeling sane. It’s been a while, but I’m finding my faith.”
Not faith in a religious sense.
Faith in happiness.
Faith in possibility.
Faith that maybe life can be more than enduring.
Faith that maybe he is allowed to want things.
Faith that perhaps, after centuries of loneliness, the universe is not actively denying him every beautiful thing he reaches for.
And yet Azriel is Azriel.
He understands loss better than most.
He understands how quickly beautiful things can disappear.
He understands that happiness is fragile.
That people leave.
That circumstances change.
That fate can be cruel.
And because of that, the more important Elain becomes, the more terrifying she becomes too.
Not because she is dangerous.
But because she matters.
The song understands that paradox perfectly.
The happiest people are not always the least afraid.
Sometimes they are the most afraid.
Because they finally have something worth protecting.
Something worth grieving.
Something worth losing.
And I think that is why the chorus feels so devastatingly Azriel-coded to me.
“Please stay.”
Such simple words.
Yet they contain everything.
The gratitude. The fear. The hope. The desperation.
The vulnerability.
The quiet prayer of someone who spent so long expecting nothing that receiving something beautiful feels almost impossible.
And perhaps that is ultimately what Elain represents in Shadows of Noxhaven.
Not merely romance.
Not merely love.
She represents light.
Warmth.
Healing.
Growth.
The possibility of a future that is not defined by darkness.
She represents every beautiful thing Azriel never believed he would have.
Which is precisely why losing her becomes unthinkable.
Because Azriel has never truly been afraid of shadows.
He knows shadows.
He carries shadows.
He understands shadows.
What terrifies him is light.
Because once Elain enters his life, darkness is no longer all he has.
And for the first time in centuries, there is something beautiful enough that he cannot imagine letting it go.
Anyways, I wanted to share that the more I look at this artwork, the more it feels like longing frozen in time. Not the loud, desperate kind of longing, but the quiet kind that settles deep within your chest and lingers there for so long that it becomes part of you. Neither of them is smiling, neither of them is reaching out, and yet the entire image feels intimate in a way that almost hurts.
There is something achingly tender about the space between them, about the way they seem suspended between what is and what could be. It feels like the kind of moment that exists only for a heartbeat before reality returns, and perhaps that is why it feels so beautiful. It is not a scene filled with certainty. It is a scene filled with possibility.
What captivates me most is the sadness woven into its softness. Because despite all the warmth of the colors and the closeness between them, there is a trace of melancholy in both of their expressions, as though they are standing on the edge of something neither of them fully understands yet.
Elain looks almost dreamlike, like a memory someone is afraid of forgetting, while Azriel looks at her with a quiet intensity that feels less like admiration and more like wonder. The entire piece reminds me of a feeling rather than a moment—the feeling of finding someone who changes the shape of your world before you even realize it has happened. The feeling of looking at another person and sensing, somewhere deep inside yourself, that life may never look quite the same again.
Another one for @elriel-month. Umm...there is all hurt and no comfort in this one. Sorry guys. Sad little blurbo took control.
‘Azriel. My study. Now.’
Azriel stilled as the pain shot through him. He had been on an assignment when his body started to ache and he sent his shadows ahead of him to check on Elain as he raced back to Velaris. He knew it was her. He prayed it was not the babe and some other pain. Some other injury that could be healed, but left her in pain. The tone in Rhys’ message told him that there was another problem in the Night Court, he’d order him to Elain if he knew of a problem with her.
‘Lainey’s in pain, Rhys. I need to get to her.’
‘Feyre miscarried this morning.’
He flew harder and prayed it was just an intense emotional pain that hurdled down his bond. Feyre’s pregnancy was known, but their own was hidden. He wanted to explain to Rhys why he needed to see Elain first, but that would mean revealing a secret that he had promised her he would keep. He hoped he was wrong. He hoped that all he felt was grief, but with every moment that his shadows did not return to him, his stomach sank. They should have returned by now, should have given him some news. The only reason they wouldn’t was if Elain needed them more. Their loyalty to him was nothing in comparison to what they also felt for her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elain pressed a hand to her back, the pain flaring again, her exhaustion from today settled into her. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes- Feyre’s grief rolling through her body. She knew the grief of losing a babe all too well and as more of Azriel’s shadows came to her and stayed, she knew that he must know what had happened. That he was close enough for Rhys to delve into his mind and tell him to fly home. Even with their own history, they were still critical pillars of the Night Court and Azriel would know why he was needed here.
“Lainey…you- did you cut your leg?” Cassian’s innocent question clanged through the room and sucked the air from her lungs. She took a step to the side and looked down- the puddle of blood was too much to be a coincidence. Her knees gave out as he dove for her, catching her before she hit the ground. Pain now tore through her body and she felt what she had ignored since the wee hours of the morning- her own womb tightening in a steady cadence. Pre-term labor- again. “Nes!”
She tried to shake her head. Feyre needed their attention. Feyre needed their help. Feyre had never experienced this loss. She knew what to do, she knew what was coming. She just needed her mate. He promised she would never walk this path alone again and she needed him now.
“I’m okay, Cass. I’m okay. I just…I just need Az–” a groan of pain tore out of her and he cradled her to his chest, rocking her. Soothing her as best he could as she heard her sister approach and she tried to camouflage the pain. She tried to hide it away as today just being too much, but Nesta’s keen eyes settled on her skirts and pain flashed over her face. “Please Cass, just get me to Az. I need Az.”
“We will, Lainey. We will. Nes, try to intercept him when he gets here. Rhys ordered him to meet him in the study. I’m going to get you settled and send Cerridwen or Nuala for Madja. I will not leave you until he’s here. You will not be alone.”
She managed to nod as the pain rolled through her again, her fingernails finding purchase in Cassian’s skin. Tears streamed down her cheeks and sobs burned in her chest. Little shadow wrapped around her and she wished for oblivion, she wished for the pain to overtake her. Instead, she felt more blood trickle down her legs and she fought down her own scream of anguish. Azriel would come for her, he was already on his way.
Cassian placed her on a bed and then walked away. She pushed herself up to her elbows, sliding her legs off the bed. No. Cassian could not leave her, not now. A bark of a command came from the other side of the door and then he strode back into the room. He climbed into the bed behind her and gently rested her body against him as violent tremors shook her. Hormones. Her hormones were flooding her as the pain overwhelmed her.
“How far along are you, Lainey?”
“Six…a little over six months.”
Her teeth chattered as Cassian wrapped his arms around her tightly and she sank into his warmth. It was freezing in the River House- a manifestation of Feyre and Rhys’ grief. She felt him nod and looked up to see the raw pain on his face as well. She ran one of his hands over her now obviously round stomach as she let the magic fade. Words failed Cassian and he just held and rocked her as they waited. Madja or Azriel. And she prayed the next fae to open that door would be her mate.
“I don’t want to bury another baby, Cass. Az…Az deserves someone who isn’t broken- who can give him babies. Why…why…”
“Shhhh. Don’t say that- you are not broken. And he’s on his way. Az is on his way, Lainey. He will not break his promise to you today.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Azriel stalked through the halls of the River House- aimed for Rhys’ study as he rubbed his chest. Lainey was in pain, so much pain, and he felt that it had to be more than grief, but none of his shadows had returned. With that- he had to notify Rhys that he had arrived and then go find his mate. He hated this for his High Lady, but she was not his to comfort and hold.
He came to a halt as he saw Nesta pacing in front of the study door. Her spine ramrod stiff as she held her skirts in fists, grief and worry rolled off of her. As she spun to face him, her face fell, but she moved towards him with a purpose in her stride. His heart shattered, but he held himself together as he fell into step next to her. No words were needed, only a terse nod of her head that what he thought was the truth.
“When did it start?”
“We didn’t realize until an hour ago. Madja just arrived. I know Rhys ordered you to him, but Cass and I will deal with that demand.”
“We were so close. Three months and…”
“I’ll give you five minutes to lose it and then she needs you, Azriel.”
She wrapped her arms around him as he let out the bellow of pain that had built all day. The walls shook and he tried to reign in his powers, his emotions- but it was all too much. His beautiful, compassionate, lovely mate did not deserve to lose another babe. Did not deserve to go through another labor that would only result in the pain of loss. He felt Rhys’ presence behind him and pulled away from Nesta, his brother wore an expression he knew all too well. Another set of arms caught him as his legs gave way and Rhys clutched him tight. He pushed his thoughts into Rhys’ mind and he only nodded. Neither of them could speak- their throats too tight with their own pain and their mates that were coming apart at the seams.
“I didn’t know.”
“We chose to hide it. She wanted to be sure…we thought that this time…I…I have to go to her.”
“Understood.”
Rhys steadied him on his feet and he let out one more scream before he pushed the pain down. He would grieve later. Right now, he needed to get to his mate and help ease her pain. First the physical and then the emotional. He forced one foot in front of the other as he followed Nesta towards the far wing of the house. He could do this again. He could hold her and be the rock she needed even as he was just as fractured inside.
Nesta stopped at the door and he heard the sobs and barely contained screams. Cassian’s attempts to soothe her calmed his heart. She had not been alone, even if he was not there, his brother refused to leave her. He placed a hand on the door knob and forced his features to be concerned, but neutral. If she saw any pain in his body- it would ruin her even further. He could not do that. He swung the door open and took a step into the room as his entire being wished she did not have to survive this again.
“Az…Azriel. You’re here. You came.”
“Always Lainey, always.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rois, daughter of Elain and Azriel
Born Sleeping
Loved by the family that wanted you more than anything else
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Whelp the one that got this the 'E' rating over on AO3 is here. Snippet below the cut. Full chapter over on AO3.
Hands rubbed her shoulders as she hunched over a desk- her notes on the Dusk Court scattered around her. Rhys moved quickly and silently amongst the other courts. Word that her brother had given her to the Court of Nightmares to torture was spread by Azriel’s spy network. Her own network continued to gather intelligence- inside the Dusk Court and ferried it to her on the wind. Her brother had never paid much mind to who was loyal to her instead of him. That could be his undoing.
She told Azriel she would be fine alone, instead he chose to train with his brothers and return to her each day. She knew he saw through her farce and he was waiting. Waiting until she was ready. Each touch sent electricity through her body- a much needed connection and distraction concocted by her mate. She had never withheld from him this long, but she needed to finish this work. She needed all of this information to be out of her mind and into the hands of this court that would act on her behalf. One look over her shoulder said that Azriel understood that his touch was soothing, and enticing, the both of them. She could not deny that being with him for this long worked wonders on her body and soul. She never allowed herself to dream that this might be their future.
His shadows organized the notes and he slipped into the chair behind her. She stilled as she remembered the first time he did this- when he cocooned her in his body to ease her, to signify she was safe with him. Over a century ago- he was hesitant, unsure if she would accept him. The bond had slammed into place, the both of them fighting it- even as they could not help but stay close to each other. That day- she had been writing a letter back to her court- detailing the treatment by Rhysand and his court. She had tensed in his arms, but only for a moment as he pulled her back against his chest and his body relaxed, his eyes studied the ceiling instead of the papers in front of her. It was the day he had sworn he would not spy on her against her will- even if she rejected him, even if she walked away- he would only look into her life if she allowed it. As his hands trailed up and down her thighs, color rose on her cheeks as she remembered what else had happened that day.
“Azriel- behave.”
“You enjoy it. You’ve enjoyed so little lately, Elle. Let me.”
A soft moan escaped her as she leaned forward and continued with her work. He continued his ministrations, pushing her body towards the pleasure that she needed. They understood waiting. They understood mutual desire. They understood, at times, that they could not center their relationship. This was one of those times for her and even though it bothered Azriel, he would not leave her. He would stay with her as she poured out all of her knowledge to exact revenge on her own court. Something she had known would happen from the moment he identified her in the middle of the Dusk Court.
She had long seen a dark stranger bringing her out of the darkness and into the light. Cloaked in shadows and wrath- a soul that cried out to her own. A soul that spoke to her across the seas of their minds- something she wanted him to know, but had never been brave enough to admit. As he leaned forward, nestling her into him- she knew he was reading. She knew that for the first time in over a century, he could not stop himself from looking. And as his breath caught, his fingers gripped her thighs a bit more tightly, a loosed curse rang out under his breath before he buried his face against her neck. He gulped in her scent and she raked her fingers through his hair, the most comfort she could spare at the moment. This must be done.
Back with another update to this fic for @elriel-month! You can thank @duskwhisperer for “subtly” nudging me to update this fic. All complaints should go to her. 😘
You can read part 3 of High Infidelity on my AO3 here.
The one where Elain realizes some people begin feeling familiar long before they should.
An evening of lantern light, gardens, conversations that somehow become easier than expected, and the strange warmth of wanting time to slow down without fully understanding why. Because somewhere between teasing remarks, comfortable silences, and being looked at a little too carefully… something shifts.
Not dramatic. Not obvious.
Just quiet enough to become dangerous.
And perhaps for the first time since arriving in Noxhaven, Elain finds herself wondering what it might mean to belong somewhere… or to spend more time with someone.
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