I think what I struggle with most about 'growing up' is the loss of belief. In self, in others, in the world around you…as a kid I could do anything, all you had to do was ask me, and I'd tell you. "I can do that." Didn't matter if I'd never done it before, or if it was baking a cake, or trying archery, or doing a backflip. I believed in myself, my body, my abilities. I knew that even if I couldn't do it well, I could still do it. Most of the time I'd be able to do it well, and I honestly think it was because I just knew I could. I don't have that anymore. As you grow older, the tiniest seeds of doubt start to plant themselves in you. One day you can't run quite as far without needing to catch your breath. Suddenly, your back hurts when you reach to the ground. Slowly, bit by bit, you begin to let yourself down, and you lose faith in yourself. I look at the world now and think "This is why I won't be able to…"…I used to look at the world and think "I'll be great at that". I miss that belief in myself.
I used to meet new people and think they were great before I'd spoken to them. They would love me, and I them. Every relationship was the beginning of a beautiful thing. Now, everyone is an enemy until proven friend. Everyone is a threat. Everyone is mean. People push, yell, belittle, mock, are insincere and always have ulterior motives. People are untrustworthy.
How is it that when you're at your most physically vulnerable, you're stronger than ever before? I know why, of course. You're young, and naive, and invincible. No one has told you "no", "you can't". But people will tell you, eventually, and no matter who you are, one day, you'll start to believe them. Often, the person telling you is yourself - and of course, you are the hardest person for you to ignore.
I used to believe that the water wouldn't be unbearably cold - it'd be warm enough to swim in. The dirt stains would come out of my clothes. The funny noise the fridge is making is a simple fix. The other drivers on the road won't crash into you. The trees won't fall, the lights will stay on, the rain will come. Now, I'm not so sure. How does the world work, anyway?! Who tells all of these things to happen - who makes sure? What if they're busy today? What if the world doesn't work? The water is freezing, far too cold to bear. The fridge must be dying. The other drivers will hurt or kill me one day - everyone is in car accidents these days. The trees will succumb to the winds pressure, the lights will fail, the rain won't come in time. I don't believe that nothing will go wrong.
We grow into cynical, pessimistic creatures. Sure, it's "realism". We know the world we live in, and don't try to kid ourselves otherwise. Those that do - those who are optimists, who are always friendly and believe the best in everybody - they're naive, they're young, they haven't seen much of life. We admire, envy, and thus belittle those who either naturally maintain belief, or who work to maintain it. But I wish we didn't. I wish physically trying to gain that back didn't make me feel small and worthless within society. I am a realist. I'm not so naive to think that the innocence of childhood is something that an adult can achieve, recreate, mimic, or even understand. But I'd like to have a little more belief in life.
One side of my brain is scoffing at me as I write this - "oh, grow up". But if growing up means diving further into cynicism, and giving up more and more of my faith in myself and the world around me, I don't want to. I know I don't have a choice - I will age, and grow, and evolve. But I don't want to lose my belief and faith in myself and the world I live in. That, I will fight as hard as I can.