teach me how to love? | j.a
pairing: emotionally!unavailable!abbot x overly!emotional!reader
synopsis: you knew what the arrangement was when you started this, knew that it was a bad idea with how sensitive you were but you pretended to be fine with it because you wanted to be with jack so much, you didnât care how. you just hoped heâd open up eventually but when he doesnât, you canât help but worry youâre breaking your own heart here.
warnings: cold!abbott, reader is a crybaby but she knows it, age gap, power imbalance if you squint, widow!abbot, lack of aftercare, reader has daddy issues, lena being the angel that she is, based in the night shift so the others arenât really present, depictions of grief, mentions of sex (no smut), really long i got carried away. not proofread because i hate my writing and refuse to reread.
you collapsed on jackâs chest, body rising and dropping as you caught your breath and jack just laid thereâ as if waiting for you to get up. he was different tonight. you could tell from the moment he got to your apartment that something was seriously wrong and you let him fuck you anyways.
but now was the time heâd usually wrap his arms around you, tell you how good you did and how happy you made him. it was a disgusting thing to crave but you craved it like you craved chocolate on your period.
you felt jackâs hands on your body, only instead of wrapping them around youâ they lifted you off of him and placed you back on your bed.
then suddenly you were aware of how cold it was in your room. jack grabbed his prosthetic leg from the dresser next to you put it back on the way heâd done time and time again, tonight he was silent. he didnât make jokes about not being able to keep up with you or ask you if you needed anything besides help getting cleaned up. he didnât even help clean you up. he just wordlessly got dressed and walked out of your apartment, not sparing you a single glance or word and that was so unlike the man who spent most mornings with you.
your eyes welled up with tears the second heâd placed you on your bed and then they wouldnât stop, your chest heaved with emotion that you couldnât seem to control.
why was he being so weird? did you do something to upset him? if nothing else jack was your friend at least but jack had just treated you like a stranger heâd fucked without knowing your name.
that sadness got worse when you realized how dumb you were for crying this way. it was always casual, he didnât love you, he probably didnât even like youâ you were just young and easy to sleep with because he knew how badly you wanted him.
godâ how could you be so annoying. you giggled at everything he said, looked at him like he painted the stars with his own hands, touched his arm like some sort of lovesick puppy. of course you were just easy company.
these thoughts didnât help the way the tears dropped onto the pillow you hugged like it was him. the thoughts didnât stop until youâd landed on the one thing you always did.
if my dad couldnât love me, why should he?
you were too far gone at this point, eyes swollen and skin burning from the salt in your tears. you couldnât stop, until youâd finally fallen asleep at 11, not waking up until your alarm finally rang at 4:30.
time for work, time to see him.
you took your usual shower, a shell of a girl but you made it work and now you were doing your skin care routine, which caused you to look in the mirror and see the way that you looked currently. your eyes were puffy in a way your cold rollers couldnât fix, your face was dry from your own tears and your eyes were red all around.
you cursed at yourself for how big of crybaby youâd been about it all because there was no hiding this. makeup would just look cakey over your dried skin, the puffiness wasnât going anywhere.
you pressed the heels of your hands into your eyes like that might somehow push the swelling back in, like you could undo the evidence of it all if you just tried hard enough.
your reflection just stared back at you from the mirrorâred, blotchy, pathetic in a way that made your chest tighten all over again. your lips still felt swollen, but not in the way you wanted them to. not in the way that meant something. just⊠leftover, like everything else.
âget it together,â you muttered, your voice rough, catching on the last word. you sounded like youâd swallowed glass. you kind of felt like you had, too; because the worst part wasnât even that he left. it was how easy it felt for him. no hesitation. no lingering. no âiâll text you.â just the quiet shuffle of clothes, the soft click of the door, and then nothing. like youâd imagined the whole thing. like you didnât even exist once he stepped outside. you laughed a little, but it came out shaky. âof course he did.â
jack abbott didnât stay. not for anyone. you knew thatâeveryone knew that. youâd known it before you let him in, before you let him touch you like that, before you let yourself pretend, just for a second, that maybe this time would be differentâ that maybe you were different, your stomach twisted. you dragged a sleeve under your nose, sniffing hard, trying to pull yourself back together piece by piece. it felt impossible, like trying to hold water in your hands.
âit didnât mean anything,â you whispered, like saying it first would make it hurt less. âitâs just sex im not entitled to his time.â you tried butyour voice cracked on the last word, betraying you immediately because it hadnât been just that, not to you.
youâd never felt like it was just that because usually heâd hold you, clean you up, wait until you fell asleep to sneak out on you but tonight he just tossed you aside like it was nothing, like you were nothing.
it was the way he looked at you beforeâquiet, intense, like he was trying to figure you out but didnât want to get too close. the way his hands werenât rough, not really, just⊠distant. like he was there, but not all the way, like he never was. you swallowed hard, your throat aching.
you should have called for a replacement, asked someone to cover for you but the last thing you wanted jack abbot to know was that heâd made you feel so weak and disposable that you called in sick like the young adult he saw you as.
you lathered your slightly rough skin with a cooling moisturizer, hoping itâd work its magic and your skin had already began to feel better but it hadnât magically turned you back normal. you tugged your scrubs back on, feeding your cat before leaving for the night.
it wasnât until youâd gotten to the break room that youâd realized you forgot to grab something to eat.
youâd managed to sneak in, to avoid everyone so far but when lena walked into the break room to put her lunch box in the fridge sheâd caught you immediately.
your red puffy eyes a dead giveaway to the decline in your mood.
lena doesnât even try to be subtle about it.
she pauses mid-step, her hand still on the fridge handle, eyes flicking over your face in that quick, assessing way that makes your stomach drop.
âjesus,â she mutters, softer than usual, like sheâs trying not to make a scene but failing anyway. âwhat happened to you?â
you let out a small breath, already turning away, already reaching for the cabinet like youâve got something important to do in there. ânothing,â you say, too quick. âiâm just tired.â she shuts the fridge slowly.
you can almost feel the way she doesnât buy it. the way sheâs still looking at you, waiting. âyou look like you got hit by a truck,â she says, her tone more concerned than judgmentalâ you often joked she was the mom of the night shift, lena took great care of her nurses and she could always tell when something was wrong.
âthanks,â you mumble, grabbing a granola bar you donât really want. your hands feel clumsy, like they donât belong to you. âi feel like it too.â she leans back against the counter, arms crossing. âyouâve been crying.â
âiâm okay i was just um i was watching the good dinosaur before i came in, that movies really sad..â you tried to excuse, not wanting to take lenaâs concern.
you looked like that because your casual hookup reminded you just how casual your arrangement was, you had no right to be this upset and you knew it.
âuh huhâ look kid, i know youâre seeing abbot and if that asshole is the reason for this say the word and iâll handle him.â her words make you laugh, lena always seemed to have that affectâ then suddenly her arms were wrapped around you in a hug that reminded you of the way your mother used to hold you.
her warmth healed you and perhaps thatâs what you really craved from abbotâ warmth..tenderness.
anything that signified that you meant anything to him at all, and maybe thatâs what really hurt.
you knew you didnât, you agreed to it for fucks sake but god did it fucking suck. youâd hoped from the start that eventually heâd warm up, confide in you, feel somethingâ anything for you but he never did, this morning was a clear reminder of that.
lena pulled away first, her hand coming to rest on your shoulder. âyouâre a very smart girlâ if abbot canât give you the treatment you deserve, heâs not your bread and butter.â she said, then she walked out which left you to have your existential crisis in private.
after a few minutes youâd composed yourself, walking towards the nursing station with a determined look on your puffy face and you could feel his presence without even looking at him. lena told you to stick with shen (sheâd be getting a big fat kiss later), so you did until jack called your name.
fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.
youâd managed to avoid him for at least an hour and a half and now youâd have to face him.
he called it again which made you stop in your tracks. you couldnât pretend you didnât hear it anymore.
you took a deep breath before turning to meet him half way, knowing that sometimes his prosthetic does get sore especially during longer shifts and you knew he was at his other job earlier.
âwhatâs up dr abbot?â you asked casually, like you hadnât sobbed uncontrollably into the pillow he laid on this morning.
his eyes scanned your face as if he couldnât believe what he was seeing, he was busy when you got here, heâd only seen the back of your head but the reason he stopped you was to see if you really looked as bad as ellis told him and you really did.
it made his heart tighten. he should have known how you would have taken his dismissiveness this morningâ you were after all his sensitive girl but he didnât know what to do either.
you guys had been hooking up for 6 months, last night was the 6 month mark and though jack had never acknowledged it, he knew just what you were expecting of this arrangement, he especially knew how incapable he was of giving you that.
he hadnât let anyone in since his late wife, he still wore the ring for fucks sake. he knew exactly how you were though which is exactly why seeing the repercussions of how he left you hurt him so bad.
distance was good, he told himself. he was never gonna be the man who deserved your love but he took it selfishly anyways.
itâs not like he wanted to shut you out, he just didnât know what else to do.
âhow are you feeling?â his voice just made you sad again. heâd made you cry just hours ago yet the softness of his tone and the concern in his eyes made your heart beat faster.
âmâ fine abbot, donât worry about me.â you replied casually which caused his brows to furrow.
you never called him abbot, you always called him jack unless you were with a patient.
he just wanted you to say his first name again. he wanted you to drop the act and tell him exactly how big of a piece of shit he was because thatâs what he deserved from you.
âwell i am worried, you look like hell angel.â he hadnât meant to call you that but he couldnât force the words back into his mouth.
âwell iâm fine and iâve got a patient to check on.â
after that youâd managed the rest of your shift without being alone with jack and usually heâd find you and youâd walk out together with plans to meet at your place. never his. it was too intimate to have you in his space.
you waited, loitering around the nursing desk and making small talk with dana and lena while jack talked to robby but after robby walked away, mohan approached him and that took another 20 whole minutes before heâd finally been free.
as normal he walked towards you, both of you falling into casual pace beside each other until you broke the silence.
âdid i do something wrong yesterday?â you were already swallowing your tears. jack looked over at you at your question, his eyebrows raising and his all to familiar frown deepening.
ânoâno you didnât do anything wrong i just..â he trailed off, not really sure how to tell you that yesterday marked 6 months of hooking up and that he was scared it was getting too serious and that he really did enjoy your company he just wasnât really emotionally open to be with someone like you.
âi donât want you to think that this is something that itâs not.. thatâs all.â
these tears, you couldnât swallow. âwhy canât it be?â you asked, half sniffle.
jack abbot swore he felt his heart shatter at that, the tone in your voice that told him exactly what he didnât want to hear because in truth he wouldnât mind it being more, if it didnât feel like disrespecting his wife.
he knew she was dead, heâd come to terms with that a long time agoâ he just never thought heâd let himself move on because he didnât want to dishonor her memory, their love.
jack stopped in the middle of the parking garage at your words, pulling you into his arms carelessly. âoh angel..â he murmured, his head tilting to kiss your head while you cried into his chest.
âyouâre such a good girlâ to me, to this hospital and you donât deserve a man who still wears the wedding ring from his dead wife.â he explained in his casual jack abbot softness that held underlying gruff. âbut i donât care about what i deserve jackâ iâve only ever just wanted you.â your voice cracked from the tears that leaked from your eyes so rapidly.
âi didnât want this,â you went on, your voice trembling despite the steadiness you were trying to hold onto. âi didnât want to feel like this about you. i knew it would end like this, i knew you wouldnâtââ you cut yourself off, swallowing hard as your chest tightened.
jackâs arms loosened against your waist. âwouldnât what?â he pressed, quieter now. you laughed softly, but it broke halfway through. âwouldnât let me in.â that hit him exactly where it needed to.
he exhaled slowly, dragging a hand down his face like he was trying to figure out how everything got so out of control.
âitâs not that simple,â he said.
âit is,â you shot back immediately. âit really is, jack. you either do or you donât.â
âyou think itâs that easy?â there was a flicker of frustration now, something defensive creeping in. âafter everythingâafter herââ
âiâm not asking you to forget her,â you cut in, softer this time, but just as firm. âi never did. i just wanted⊠something. anything that meant i wasnât just standing here hoping for something you were never going to give me.â
his eyes dropped for a second, that familiar guilt settling in and you hated that part, hated that you could still read him so easily.
âyou deserve more than this,â he said again, like if he repeated it enough, it would fix something. âi donât want more,â you whispered. âi want you, but youâre too busy chasing ghosts to let me in and i hate it.â
your words hit him like a slap in the face, one he probably deserved. âwell maybe you should leave me alone then, maybe you should find someone who can take care of your emotional needs the way you need, the way i canât.â
you shook your head, stubborn as ever. âi know that you can, youâre just scared jack and i understand but iâm scared too and we can justâ we can figure it out, please jackâ can we just...â
something in the way you clung to him like you were falling off a cliff and he was the only thing to hold you up, not physically but emotionally. he was breaking your heart, telling you to go find someone else but still you begged him to give you a chance.
it should have been the other way around, in a perfect world heâd be the one begging you.
he watched the hopefulness in your eyes dull with each moment of silence that stretched between the two of you.
âi really want to give you what you want, i really do angelâ i just, i donât know how..â
here came the tears, not from you this time however. jack abbot never let himself show others how he felt barely even robby but here he was, all teary eyed over his much younger colleague he should have never let himself touch.
your hand came up to cup his cheek, the gentleness of your hand anchoring him. âcan you just try, please?â you pleaded yet again.
jack head turned ever so slightly just so that he could kiss the palm of your hand before allowing himself to nod.
he didnât have it in himself to deny you, to deny himself of something that could make him happy again. something he never thought heâd deserve after his wife died but you had made him feel like he did tonight.
for the first time since the arrangement started he allowed himself to look at you without holding himself back, to see you for the beautiful, hyper sensitive klutz who had stolen his heart when sheâd been switched to night shift.
you were everything she would have wanted for him. you were everything she always told him he deserved and he didnât want to hold himself back anymore.
his lips crashed into yours as theyâd done before but this was different, it was as if every emotion heâd been withholding for the past 6 months was poured into your lips, overwhelmingly so.
it consumed youâ he consumed you.
âyou gonna teach me how to love again angel?â he huffed out against your lips when he finally pulled away to which you nodded and reconnected your lips letting else everything fade away.
