#eitan levine

Berkshire Theatre Group Presents Jen Durkin and The Business at the Music Garage

Pittsfield, MA– Berkshire Theatre Group is thrilled to present Jen Durkin and The Business on September 13 at 8pm at the Music Garage, and Eitan Levine on September 19 at 7:30pm at the Comedy Garage. Tickets are $10 in advance and $15 at-the-door to Jen Durkin and The Business; and $5 to Eitan Levine.

The Garage is located in The Colonial Theatre lobby, and refreshments and snacks will be…

Dear President Richard HUSSEIN Joel,

As a proud and handsome alumnus of Yeshiva University, I am concerned. We can all agree that this school is going through tough financial times. A few years ago our Moody’s rating fell from AAA to AA which meant that we went from being welcomed guests of honor to “who invited Uncle Steve to Thanksgiving? Seriously. We agreed NO Uncle Steve this year.” at the imaginary banking dinner I made up in my head (JP Morgan cuts the Turkey, Citi Bank asks everyone to say what they are thankful for and Bank of America adorably falls asleep in his chair and is carried to his bed by Banco Popular). Our endowment keeps on shrinking, donations are at an all-time lowand recent budget cuts to the school’s academic and extracurricular program show that this is only the tip of this money colored iceberg that our school “Titanic’d” into.  

What makes this worse is that students at YU are starting to doubt our administration's competence when it comes to financial responsibility.  When asked “How is our administration handling Yeshiva University’s debt?” A recent poll done by the Commentator shows that 34% of students responded “I trust em’” while a whopping 60% of students said “*old Yiddish man accent* Feh!” (6% of students answered “whats the deal with porn in the YU dorms? is that still blocked?”).

Well Billy Joel, looks like you need some help. No! Put down that adderall! I have a better plan!

It’s a 3 step plan and I guarantee if you follow these three steps you will be sling-shotted into the College President Hot-shots hall of fame (Right next to Larry “Dolla Dolla Bill” Summers and Richard “C-Money” Levin) (Please note, those two names were significantly more creative than you gave me credit for. Trust me.)

Step #1- Get rid of the school owlery.

We get it President Joel, you loves owls but lets call it like it is, nobody uses the owlery except for owlrey majors. I was in YU for 4-ish years and I maybe used the owlery 3 times and twice because of the fact that “Owlelry 432” is in our core curriculum FOR SOME REASON. There are a total of 9 owlery majors in the school (with 4 tenured owlery professors) compared to 37 English majors and 145 accounting majors YET this school spends roughly $3 million dollars a year keeping the Owlery program alive.

Step #2- Throw One Last Great Concert

Let’s get the band back together, Richie. I know you left “that world” a long time ago but man, we used to shred back in the day. We were rock gods in our small town and I know you decided to get more serious about your studies this year, but desperate times call for desperate measures and Yeshiva University needs us. You on lead guitar/lead vocals, me on drums and Rabbi Willig on bass? We can’t be stopped! We can save the school, stop Mr. Cunnigham from tearing down the Rec Center AND lets be honest, this is your last chance to impress Cindy Bergman before summer vacation. Come on, Richie. One last show.

Step #3- Ponzi Scheme someone

Lets level with each other, we got Ponzi scheme’d and we got Ponzi scheme’d bad. Bernie “The Ponz” Madoff tricked us and I think the only way to right this wrong is for us to Ponzi scheme someone else. Remember the movie “Pay it Forward”? Well, it’s time for us to do the opposite of what that movie was trying to teach us. Who do we do this to? Easy, Tulane. That’s right, We Ponzi scheme Tulane, the Harvard of Louisiana (Keep in mind, Louisiana is the Union County College of America). They challenge us for that coveted 50 spot on the US News college ranking every year and I think it’s about time we go for the knockout punch. We ponzi scheme them. We ponzi scheme them hard. We ponzi scheme them fast. We ponzi scheme them ‘till they suffer from crippling PTSD (Ponzischeme Traumadic Stress Disorder).

Well president, there you go. That’s how you get YU back on top.

Take it squeazy!

Basically, my boss went on vacation for 3 weeks leaving me the keys to the castle. She gave me specific instructions not to ruin anything or sit in her chair. 3 days in I spilled coffee on her computer while doing a hilarious impression of her.