#eek!

Author's Note: eek ! this is my first fic ! i have been working on a much longer piece but wanted to get something out. i really hope you enjoy it ! let me know what you think and i would really appreciate feedback. i love jake in all forms, but human jake has a special place in my heart. (BTW i suddenly started picturing jake the dog while editing this... )

this fortuitously counts towards the lovely @junebugonjupiter’s Jake Sully event ! Prompts: 32. Human Jake & 52. Teaching (2009) Jake the Na'vi language

@junebugonjupiter was also the amazing beta reader for this and continues to offer me such incredible support. thank you twin !!! everyone say, THANK YOU JUNE ♥️

J. SULLY 

Extending the “T” on his AVTR backpack and turning it into a “J” was a simple task, but Jake felt hollow as he did it. Detachedly he noted how he’d imagined flames engulfing the letter just as they did around the box that held his brother’s body. He didn’t think he would ever see his brother again, not after the fire turned him to dust. But that thing floating in that blue tank was unmistakably Tommy. 

He smiled when he saw it the day he arrived, feeling uncharacteristically tender. Though it was blue, large, and had a tail, it was at the beginning of its life instead of the end. And it looked so much like him.   

The reality of the Avatar being his hadn’t truly hit until the darkness of the link unit that surrounded him became the light of the Ambient Room within seconds. The nerves along his back and legs tingled with feeling. His body finally felt whole again. And when he returned, everything felt wrong. Like an ill fitted garment, his skin sat uncomfortably over his bones and muscles. Like his soul had grown to take up all the new space it had, stretching out and settling into his new form with ease and a strange familiarity, but refused to shrink back. It felt different even to breathe, like the deepest breath wasn’t enough.

Max assured him that everything, that he was willing to share, was normal. The side effects of the link. But each time Jake opened his eyes in the unit, came the sinking reminder that he would never fully be the man he knew he could be. As he came to, the memory of the energy reaching his toes, just a blink of a second before, taunted him. It was a twisted game. 

So, when the Colonel approached him, he'd agreed pretty easily. Did his desperation show? What wouldn’t a man do to regain what he had lost? Quaritch knew the answer too well, dangling the promise of the chance to walk again, the chance that he could walk away from all this one day, like bait. Jake’s real legs. It sounded real good. A fair deal. More than fair if the aliens were all doomed from the start.

Most of all, he jumped for the chance to fill the hollow feeling in his chest that he couldn’t shake. His hands still twitched for something to fight for. It had driven him to service; leading his squad in Venezuela, reconnoitering beyond enemy lines, getting shot down in action. He would have gone back if he could. As a dog returns to its own vomit, the soldier in him could never stop. He was way out of his depth here on Pandora, but recon was what he did best. It was just gathering information after all, not treason.   

Yet the truth weighed heavily on him as he sat atop your bed with you, books and papers and tablet strewn about the sheets. Your sweet voice sang to him in the language he couldn’t quite grasp just yet. The song was about the people’s sacred and ancient Hometree, you had explained, and a pit formed in his stomach at the mention of it. Despite your intent for him to listen to the lyrics and learn their meaning, his mind drifted to the tree’s fated destruction…. Was there really anything that could help him save the people you held in your heart? 

Grace and Norm regarded him with annoyance and disdain, treating every mistake he made as an inevitable indication of his incompetence. Knowing he was already unqualified in their minds left him resistant. You, on the other hand, let him try again and again, chipping away at the wall he’d had up for the longest time with patience and determination. You poured into him like it was your own personal mission, rewarding his efforts with a radiant smile and a laugh that filled his heart.

What’s worse was that you believed in him, believed in his pure intentions, and believed he could succeed. But was earning their trust enough? Would they even listen to him? He had only three months before the RDA would send in bulldozers to tear everything apart. It seemed inevitable that he would let them down, let you down. He frowned at the thought. 

As the song came to its end, your eyes opened and you laughed, making it easy for him to put on a smile for you. 

“Did the kids at the school teach that to you?” Jake asked, scrambling to be present, watching as you began scribbling on a page.

“My friend Ninat taught me. It’s like a nursery rhyme,” you answered. 

“Is Nina one of the scientists?” 

“Ninat,” you emphasized. 

He huffed, “Baby, you gotta enunciate.” 

“No. You, sir, must learn Na’vi.” 

With an accusatory look, softened with a smile, and a finger pointed at him, you handed over what you’d been working on. He took it in his hands and squinted. Maybe the lyrics of the song? He couldn’t tell. 

“Now you try,” you encouraged, scooting closer until your arm touched his. You reached over to point to the first word but he wasn’t looking at the piece of paper. Not when you were this close. His eyes trailed your profile and he watched your lips as they spoke, not hearing a word they said. They looked soft. Everything about you did. He wanted to sink his fingers and his teeth into the softness of it all. Lose himself in you and forget about his lessons, the Na’vi, the RDA, and the choice he made. 

Jake saw your knee bump into his thigh and he mourned the loss of feeling that prevented him from knowing your touch. He tried to imagine, to remember, what it would feel like and he swallowed thickly. The hum of your voice fell so close to his ear he almost shivered. Shining hair fell down over your shoulder and he followed the strands over your neck and then back up again. The dim light made your eyes glow, but it was the excitement in them that was so appealing. And they were suddenly on him. 

You were saying something, but his heart thumped too loudly and he shook his head to get the sound out of his ears. 

“Jake?” you said, pulling back with a concerned expression. “You must be tired. We can go to sleep if you want.”

Jake blinked dumbly at you and his cropped hair did nothing to hide the tips of his ears, flushed red. 

“Huh?” He dragged a hand down his face and met your gaze, wide eyed. 

“It’s okay,” you said gently with a laugh, reaching to take the papers that now rested on his lap. “I know you’ve had a long day.” 

“No, no, I’m good, I’m good,” he countered, snatching them up before you could. “I don’t think I’ve got it though. Can you sing it to me again?” 

You shook your head and smoothed the ruffled hair across his forehead.

“Let’s go to sleep.” 

—

Jake watched from his spot on your bed as you stacked all your books and papers on top of the small desk in the corner of the room, humming as you did. You saw his eyes grow heavy but they trailed after you, his wrist limp as he handed you the final piece of paper to set aside. You nudged his wheelchair out of the way as you moved to shut the lights. He made no sign that he would leave for the night. But you didn’t expect him to. 

He'd fallen asleep sitting up the other night, interrupting your recitation with a soft snore. Jake slept so peacefully and deeply you couldn’t bring yourself to be offended, or to wake him. He was stretching himself thin. The exhaustion of the day and the late nights brought out the sadness in his soft, blue eyes. The urge to hold him close and kiss away his troubles was overwhelming. So one night led to many, and you couldn’t seem to get rid of him even if you tried. Jake swore your bed was "more comfortable" than his, but you knew it had more to do with the lonely, empty room down the hall. 

And now, a sleepy smirk pulled at his lips as you crawled into bed.

It was impossible to say no to Jake Sully. He’d been alone for long enough. And so had you. 

“Come on, soldier," you smiled, lifting the blanket and inviting him in. 

—

In the darkness some time later, as you lingered on the verge of consciousness, Jake’s grip suddenly tightened around you. 

He mumbled coarsely, mournfully, into your hair, "'M sorry.” 

Mind muddled with sleep and the warmth of his body, you waited for more. Nothing came but the sound of his steady breath fanning across your head and his heartbeat loud under your ear.

Sorry for what?