Stream of semi-consciousness
I am so blunted right now. I deeply miss when the thought of being super ill/underweight was one of relief. Now, I'm just more comfortable here, sick. My world is smaller. I don't have to worry about spilling over my frame, excessive. I find comfort in the loose clothing and distant friends. Will I regret that time has passed this way? Probably, I always do. But the sharpness of softened edges scares me, too. The way sound intensifies and feelings grow and I feel every inch of my body in its excess. Today, I know I'm probably thin but I don't really look. I don't notice. I pull myself into my chest, relying on baggy clothes for comfort; I don't feel my bones, not anymore. There is no point. There never was. On practical levels, I know I'm not cognitively tracking. Days move in a strange cadence and I'm never completely sure what I'm saying. In the chaos at work, I am struggling to multitask despite the necessity, and I anticipate I WILL drown when the nurse I am training finishes next week. I also don't want to go to treatment because there I cannot exercise and if I cannot exercise I do not want recovery in the way that I decided I will be doing it this time---that is, while exercising. I cannot articulate what I mean by that; I cannot talk much at all.
