#edom angst

Magnus snorts and shakes his head at his father’s words before he speaks, finally turning to face him.

“So I can’t, but you can.” Asmodeus’ expression turns confused. “You don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?”

His father doesn’t answer, which only makes him more angry, because it’s not only about him, anymore. He wanted to confront his father about this lots of times, but back then, he was only a child. He isn’t now though.

“Oh, so you totally forgot how you left me and my mother back there, in Indonesia? How you ruined our lives?! How you ended hers?” He almost screams, because why should he keep composed?

“Magnus, your mother killed herself-“ Asmodeus’ tone is calm, which turns Magnus even more furious.

“Because of you!” He shouts, and feels tears gathering up in his eyes. “And my whole life, I was thinking, it was because of me, but you know what? I’m not a monster, you are. Because you left her, left us, without any word of explanation, and maybe if she only knew” his voice breaks at the last words. “if she only knew why I am what I am, she wouldn’t be so terrified when she found out. She would have a better life, a good life.”

Magnus turns to face the skyline again, as more tears make their way up to his eyes. But before he gets to do it, he catches the expression on his father’s face changing.

It looks almost like regret.

“Son, I loved your mother.” He starts and tries to put his hand on Magnus’ shoulder, but he quickly shakes it off. “I loved her more than anyone, maybe besides you, I still do.”

This isn’t love. Magnus thinks, but instead says something else.

“Then why did you leave us?” And as he looks back at his father’s face he sees something that he never even thought Asmodeus was capable of feeling.

It’s pure sadness.

But at his next words, Magnus finds himself stunned.

“Because I was scared.” He admits, and Magnus can’t hide that he’s taken aback at that statement. “Scared, of what I might bring upon you.”

Magnus just looks back at him, speechless, and soon his father continues.

“Look, your mother…” He pauses, searching for the right words. “She was a special woman. And all I ever wanted to do was protect her. I thought I was doing it, by leaving her.”

Asmodeus turns his face towards the horizon, and Magnus can almost see the memories running through his brain. Memories about his mother.

“But why didn’t you tell her the truth?” Magnus asks, still precisely observing his face.

“You think she would believe me?” He starts, remaining in the same position. “If I told her she was baring a child of a Greater Demon, what do you think she would do? I was afraid, she might hurt you.”

Magnus looks down at that. Can this be true? Asmodeus tricked him a lot of times, but now it seems like he’s speaking honestly. He’s never seen his father turning so sad and sincere. Yes, they haven’t spent a lot of time together, and from what Magnus remembers mostly it’s been awful. But what if this is the only way he’s capable of showing love? He just takes what he thinks is his, because he doesn’t deserve it, but still wants it. And if it really hurt to go away from his mother, from him? But he loved them, and wanted to protect them…

Magnus doesn’t know what to answer, so he doesn’t say anything. They stay in silence for a long moment, when he’s still buried in his thoughts. He feels some a slight bit of compassion for his father, something he never thought he would do, something he didn’t want to do. But the way he speaks about his mother… He really did care for her.

“It’s from Alec.” Magnus speaks after a while, twisting the Omamori charm in his hand, and Asmodeus’ gaze lands back on it. “He gave it to me after we officially got together.”

Magnus smiles at the memory, but then the pain returns again, as soon as his mind slips him an image of Alec. He doesn’t know why he’s telling his father that. Maybe he feels some urge to share something with him after the conversation that they had? Or maybe he just misses Alexander so much, that he needs to let some of the sorrow out?

“You deserve better than him, Magnus.” His father says, and like that, all the every ounce of sympathy for him leaves Magnus’ body at once.

“Why are you keep saying this?!” He snaps. “You act like you know everything, but you don’t. He’s good for me. Better than anyone ever has. And if there’s someone who deserves better, then for a long time I thought it was him. But he showed me that I’m good enough, that I’m way more than good enough.”

His father sighs and shakes his head lightly.

“He’s not coming back for you, son-“

“I hope he’s not.” Magnus quickly interrupts, which bring a look of confusion to Asmodeus’ face. “Because I’m scared what you would do to him, I don’t want him to get hurt.”

“You care way too much.” His father carries on. “It will destroy you. He’s a Shadowhunter and you are-“

“I know who I am.” Magnus states firmly. “And if you haven’t noticed, father, times are changing. Alexander is changing them.”

Asmodeus smiles sadly at him, like he doesn’t believe any word he’s saying.

“He would break your heart anyway, Magnus. When he’d realized-“

“Alexander knows more than you think. And still, he would never leave me.”

But I did. Magnus thinks, and the tears are reappearing in his eyes. But I did it to save him. He tries to remind himself, but it doesn’t help.

In his dreams, he wishes for Alec to come and safe him. But he knows the reality, which is why he could never let it happen.

“I’m not letting you go anymore, son.” Asmodeus says after a minute of silence. “It’s just us now.”

The forever hoovers above them, but no one dares to say it. Magnus would broke at this word. Yes, he wants forever, but he wants it with Alec.

And when his father is pulling is arms around him, he flinches. But doesn’t find enough strength to break free from his embrace.

 Days pass by… at least Magnus thinks it’s days, and still, he’s here. Still doing nothing.

But now, after their conversation on the balcony, he knows his father’s real reason to keep him here.

There’s nothing to ‘rule’ in Edom. This whole place is Asmodeus’. The demons listen to him, fires burn or fade at his request… Everything requires a snap of fingers or a flick of a wrist for him, and he could have everything he wants.

Besides Magnus.

He realized that his father got him here, because he really missed him. In some twisted way, he loves him, and thinks he’s protecting him from all the dangers of the world. But Magnus isn’t nine anymore, isn’t lost after his mother killed herself. He doesn’t need anyone to lead him, to protect him. He found his place, in New York, next to Alexander.

That’s the thing that Asmodeus’ doesn’t seem to get. That by keeping him here, he makes everything between them worse. Because Magnus would by fine with seeing him at times, maybe one day he would be able to forgive him for taking his magic away, but this… this is just too much.

His powers are dormant here. Asmodeus must have cast some spell on him, because he knows Magnus is very capable of creating a passage from Edom back to New York. But Magnus is used to this. He survived more than a month with no magic at all. Now he can feel it’s still there, and if not Asmodeus keeping it in check it’d probably blow out, because he still feels like he doesn’t have it fully under control. And the person who would help him control it is in total different realm…

He still spends most of the time at his balcony, but today he gets downstairs and looks through some of his father’s books. It’s better than doing nothing and staring at the unchanging skyline.

He even finds some books about Shadowhunters, where of course they’re described as Downworlder’s worst enemies. But he finds himself looking through them anyway. Delicately tracing the familiar runes on the pictures, just like he would do with the ones on Alec’s body. He remembers the ones on Alec’s back, calm anger, endurance, courage in combat, talent. He’s seen them millions of times, on Alexander’s warm skin, laced by the sunlight falling in through the blinds of their bedroom. With his fingers he precisely outlines his beloved deflect rune, imagining how it would feel now to feel the familiar, steady pulse underneath it.

He sighs at the memory of the times when he could have it any time he wanted. Recalls the first time he put his lips on Alec’s body, traced the runes with his tongue. The reactions he got from Alec. Everything always felt new with him. No matter how many lovers Magnus had, Alec was always different in the best way. Alexander was the one. Will always be.

He slums the book shut, the memories too painful to endure now. It’s too much to even think of him, wanting to touch him makes Magnus feel physical ache in his chest.

The sound of the book closing seems to bring his father’s attention, and when he turns to look at him from the spot in the armchair at the other end of the room, Magnus asks.

“How long have I been here?”

Asmodeus gets up and makes his way closer to him.

“Why do you want to know?”

Magnus sighs in frustration and rolls his eyes. The gesture of course reminds him of Alec, so it wasn’t the best thing to do.

“Because I’m bored.” He answers with a hint of sarcasm in his tone. “I thought you would offer me some interesting tasks, in the ‘ruling our home together’ programme.”

“Isn’t spending time with your father enough?” He asks with a slight grin making its way up to his face.

Magnus snorts to that and reaches for another book, to keep himself occupied, but then Asmodeus speaks again.

“You will get your tasks in time.”

Magnus’ eyes snaps back at him at these words, because he doesn’t like the tone his father is using.

“What do you mean?” He tries to hide a bit panic from his voice.

“Well, when there will be some cities to destroy, or enemies to kill, I’ll let you know.” Asmodeus resorts and pats him on the shoulder. Magnus is not sure, if he’s joking.

“There’s no way I’m helping you with something like this.” He states the obvious and turns the attention back to the book on his lap.

“I don’t think you’ll have much of a choice.”