#dumbthoughts

a small collection of VERY shitty and cringey unfinished drafts and ideas or thoughts that pop in. i used to have much nicer and more notes but they all got deleted about a year ago and it still makes my heart hurt. restarting.

“You’re not my girlfriend” He says after anything that could possible suggest otherwise. Every romantic novel or movie would suggest that these 4 words would end my whole world. That my breath would be caught and a lump would form in my throat. My heart would break so loudly that he might hear it. And as I would choke back tears to agree to this statement, or to have any retaliation, he would look into my eyes and feel something for me and his heart my break too. Instead, in reality, I laugh as I confirm I am not his. For why would I be? When he holds me at night, I don’t swoon the following day. I don’t wait for him to text me or call my name. When I daydream of a lover, I do not picture his face. He is not mine and I, not his. We are too much alike and far too different. I do not love him. I am incapable of doing so.

The ringing in my ears is driving me insane. I beg for silence but can only hear this goddamn ringing. Or a buzzing. A static, maybe? When I think I finally know how to describe this god forsaken noise, it changes ever so slightly as if it’s mocking me. It all melds together to create a deafening hum anyways so I can never know peace. The buzz. The hum. The sound of vibrations. The chills you gave when you know you’re in danger. When your life is on the line and your heart beats ever so quickly it aches. Do you scream in that situation? Your fate is already decided, so the scream would be heard by no one but to your own relief. Perhaps that’s why I lay awake in silence? Maybe then the ringing will finally end. When he finally kills me.