#drive angry

"He owed, so we received."

Author's note: this is not a best-of. It is a core sample. The era's defining behavior was indiscriminate consent - he said yes to everything - so the data must include the bad, the bad-but-entertaining, and the accidentally great, in the chaotic ratio in which they actually occurred. Curating this era would falsify it. The trash stays. The trash is the point.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)

Nicolas - as Terence McDonagh "What if Werner Herzog looked at me, said 'the iguanas are real to you,' and I said yes before he finished the sentence?" - Cage

Era: Early Dark Ages, when the debt was fresh and the choices were still occasionally inspired. Herzog directing Cage was not a decision. It was a prophecy.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED spiritually: "Shoot him again. His soul is still dancing." Not screamed — wheezed, giggled, ascended. The Clause accepts alternative formats from masters.

Contamination Vector: You will announce "his soul is still dancing" whenever anything breaks: phones, printers, dinner plates. You will see iguanas where there are none. There are never iguanas.

Denise's Verdict: "Is this supposed to be funny or not?" (Nobody knows, Denise. Herzog won't say.)

Film: 7.7/10

Cage Impact: 9.4/10 ★★★★★ (The lucky crack pipe was a character choice)

RGR: 31% (Critical Saturation)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 14: "Subject's phone shattered on pavement. Subject declared its soul 'still dancing.' Subject also reported an iguana on the bus. There was no iguana. There is never an iguana."

Kick-Ass (2010)

Nicolas - as Big Daddy "What if I played a homicidal vigilante father doing a full Adam West impression, and it was somehow the era's most tender portrait of parenting?" - Cage

Era: Early Dark Ages, before quality control fully collapsed. The debt chose the film; he chose the Adam West voice. The debt cannot take everything.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED WHILE ON FIRE. The warehouse scene — screaming tactical instructions to his daughter while actively burning. The first documented flame-retardant compliance. The Clause issued a commendation and a fire-safety pamphlet.

Contamination Vector: You will adopt the clipped Adam West cadence for mundane parental instructions. "Child. Remember. Your lunchbox." You will regard marksmanship as a love language.

Denise's Verdict: "Why does he talk like that?" (It's a choice, Denise. With this man it is always, always a choice.)

Film: 7.8/10

Cage Impact: 9.2/10 ★★★★★ (The era's first proof that "direct-to-debt" and "great" could coexist)

RGR: 41% (Critical Saturation)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 15: "Subject addressed their child at school pickup in a clipped, deliberate cadence: 'Child. Locate. Your backpack.' Other parents have begun leaving earlier. The child, reportedly, loves it."

Season of the Witch (2011)

Nicolas - as Behmen von Bleibruck "What if I played a 14th-century crusader knight named BEHMEN VON BLEIBRUCK with the accent of a man from Long Beach, and considered the matter resolved?" - Cage

Era: Deep Dark Ages, medieval division. The debt did not care what century the script was set in, and neither, magnificently, did he.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED ON HORSEBACK. Battle screams delivered in aggressively modern American, marking the Clause's first medieval deployment and its refusal, then and forever, to do a period voice.

Contamination Vector: You will refuse period accents in all costume contexts. At Renaissance faires you will speak as yourself, loudly, on principle. When challenged you will say "he kept his," and walk away.

Denise's Verdict: "Is he supposed to be medieval?" (Supposed to be, yes.)

Film: 4.0/10

Cage Impact: 6.8/10 ★★★☆☆ (The commitment to non-commitment is its own commitment)

RGR: 48% (Critical Saturation)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 16: "Subject attended a Renaissance faire and refused the accent on principle, citing precedent. When a costumed knight addressed subject in Olde English, subject replied 'sure, man.' Subject reports feeling historically accurate to the Dark Ages. Technically correct."

Drive Angry (2011)

Nicolas - as John Milton "What if I broke OUT of Hell — by driving — to avenge my family, and drank beer from a skull, and those were the film's most restrained ideas?" - Cage

Era: The era's id, fully unleashed. If the Dark Ages had a single fever dream, this is what it dreamed.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED IN 3D. The first compliance screamed directly INTO the audience's faces, dimensionally. The Clause had not known it could reach through the screen. It knows now.

Contamination Vector: You will regard any vessel as a potential beverage container. You will describe leaving any building — gym, dentist, in-laws' — as "driving out of Hell." Your insurance does not cover this worldview.

Denise's Verdict: "He drinks WHAT from a WHAT?" (Beer, Denise. From a skull. While. Well. You'll see.)

Film: 5.5/10 (8.9/10 with pizza and company)

Cage Impact: 9.0/10 ★★★★★ (The Dark Ages distilled to a single bottle and that bottle is a skull)

RGR: 22% (Critical Saturation)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 17: "Subject has begun drinking morning coffee from increasingly questionable vessels, most recently a decorative goblet labeled 'not dishwasher safe.' When asked why, subject said 'precedent.' The goblet has a name now. Researchers declined to learn it."

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012)

Nicolas - as Johnny Blaze "What if the sequel finally let ME be the Rider, and I peed fire, and that is not a euphemism, it is a scene with a timestamp?" - Cage

Era: The Dark Ages doing franchise math: same character, lower budget, higher commitment. The tattoo remained covered. The dream remained alive.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED TWICE — once by Cage, once by the flaming skeleton. The first dual-entity compliance, raising unresolved questions about whether the skeleton has its own contract. The Clause's lawyers say yes. The skeleton's lawyers could not be reached.

Contamination Vector: You will inform people the fire-urination scene exists. They will not believe you. You will provide the timestamp. You keep the timestamp ready. That's the contamination — the readiness.

Denise's Verdict: "I don't believe you." (She believed eventually. We all believe eventually.)

Film: 4.3/10

Cage Impact: 8.4/10 ★★★★☆ (Twitchier, stranger, and more Cage than the original — the sequel nobody wanted made for the one man who did)

RGR: 30% (Critical Saturation)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 18: "Subject told a dinner party about the scene. Party did not believe subject. Subject produced a phone, pre-loaded to the timestamp. Researchers note the phone was already at the timestamp. Subject had been waiting. Subject is always waiting."

Joe (2013)

Nicolas - as Joe Ransom "What if, buried in the rubble, with no press tour and no money, I quietly gave one of the best performances of my life — and almost nobody came?" - Cage

Era: The era's control sample. Proof, mid-rubble, that the talent never left. Only the scripts did. Quality appearing at random intervals is what validates the entire yes-to-everything model.

Scream Clause Compliance: REDUCED COMPLIANCE, GRANTED ON MERIT. The Clause respects craft when craft is shown. The rage is all there — it's just banked, like a fire someone is responsibly tending for once.

Contamination Vector: You will say "watch Joe" to people with sudden, alarming urgency, sometimes gripping a forearm. You will add "no, the David Gordon Green one" and the clarification will not help.

Denise's Verdict: "Wait. This is the same man?" (Yes, Denise. It always was. That is the entire study.)

Film: 8.4/10

Cage Impact: 9.5/10 ★★★★★ (The Dark Ages' buried treasure — Pig before Pig, found by almost no one)

RGR: 82% cognitive / 35% emotional (it gets in quietly, like he does)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 19: "Subject gripped a coworker's forearm in the break room and said 'watch Joe' with no preamble. The coworker watched Joe. The coworker has since gripped a different forearm. The contamination is now lateral. Containment was never an option."

Left Behind (2014)

Nicolas - as Rayford Steele "What if the Rapture happened on my flight, and I, a man being paid in IRS installments, treated it like Chekhov?" - Cage

Era: The Dark Ages' darkest hour. The pyramid tomb was already purchased. The octopus, already mourned. He simply needed the check.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED at cruising altitude. The Clause does not recognize airspace restrictions.

Contamination Vector: You will assess every pilot for visible piety. Every flight. Forever. You will watch this film "ironically" four times, and the fourth time you will simply be watching it.

Denise's Verdict: "We are not watching this." (Verdict issued before play was pressed. The control subject's finest hour.)

Film: 1.4/10 (the 1% Rotten Tomatoes score stands as a national monument)

Cage Impact: 7.0/10 ★★★☆☆ (Total sincerity inside total collapse — the purest Dark Ages artifact)

RGR: 26% (Critical Saturation — not because of the film, but because you chose it)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 20: "Subject observed scanning the cockpit for visible piety during boarding. Fourth rewatch logged this month; the word 'ironically' no longer appears in subject's viewing notes."

The Trust (2016)

Nicolas - as Jim Stone "What if Elijah Wood and I were corrupt cops, and I screamed 'OPEN IT' at him eleven consecutive times, and the directors ASKED for that?" - Cage

Era: Deep Dark Ages, Frodo proximity division. A hobbit carried a ring to Mordor and it was easier than being in a heist with this man.

Scream Clause Compliance: EXCEEDED BY 1000%. The Clause requires one scream. He delivered "OPEN IT" eleven times, consecutively, at a man who was already going to open it. Auditors note the directors requested this — the first documented case of a production demanding MORE compliance. The Clause framed the memo.

Contamination Vector: "Open it. OPEN IT" is now your response to stuck jars, slow elevators, loading screens, and birthday presents being unwrapped at an unacceptable pace. Volume escalates per repetition. You are aware. You cannot stop.

Denise's Verdict: "Why is he yelling at Frodo." (Because the safe demanded a witness, Denise.)

Film: 6.4/10 (sneaky-good, the dark-horse Dark Ages entry)

Cage Impact: 8.6/10 ★★★★☆ (His best Dark Ages work outside Bad Lieutenant — a controlled detonation in a polyester police uniform)

RGR: 36% (Critical Saturation)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 21: "Subject observed addressing a delivery package: 'open it. Open it. OPEN IT.' The package belonged to a neighbor. The neighbor opened it. Researchers note the technique, while alarming, has a 100% success rate."

Army of One (2016)

Nicolas - as Gary Faulkner "What if I played a REAL man who tried to hunt Bin Laden alone with a samurai sword, performed it entirely in falsetto, and nobody realized for eight years that it was the Longlegs rehearsal?" - Cage

Era: Late Dark Ages, based-on-a-true-story division. The story was true. The voice was not. The voice was a premonition.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED IN FALSETTO (PILOT PROGRAM). The register's first field test, deployed in a comedy where it could do no harm. Eight years later it returned in Longlegs, weaponized. The Clause plays long games.

Contamination Vector: You will reframe your own voice cracks as "exploratory registers." You will defend this film as "historically significant to the Longlegs canon" to people who have not seen either and now fear both.

Denise's Verdict: "That voice can't be real." (It's real, Denise. Worse — it came back.)

Film: 3.2/10

Cage Impact: 7.9/10 ★★★★☆ (A bad film containing a load-bearing artifact, like finding a prophecy in a junk drawer)

RGR: 28% (Critical Saturation)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 22: "Subject described Army of One as 'essential viewing for serious Longlegs scholarship.' Subject used the phrase 'serious Longlegs scholarship' without irony. There is no irony left in this subject. The falsetto took it."

Arsenal (2017)

Nicolas - as Eddie King "What if, twenty-four years later, I returned to my Deadfall character — same mustache, same wig, same scream — in a film that did not ask for, deserve, or comprehend this?" - Cage

Era: The era's mythological capstone, and the index's first CLAUSE CINEMATIC UNIVERSE CROSSOVER EVENT. The mustache from Deadfall, resurrected. It never died. It was waiting.

Scream Clause Compliance: LEGACY COMPLIANCE. The original Deadfall scream, revived with full continuity, like a band reuniting to play the album nobody bought. The Clause recognizes sequels even when cinema does not.

Contamination Vector: You will explain the Eddie Extended Universe to people who have seen neither film. Their eyes will glaze. You will interpret the glaze as interest. You will continue.

Denise's Verdict: "He brought the mustache BACK?" (It was never gone, Denise. Nothing in this study is ever gone.)

Film: 2.8/10

Cage Impact: 9.3/10 ★★★★★ (A 24-year callback to a performance only scholars witnessed — the deepest cut he has ever made, possibly for himself alone)

RGR: 9% (Full Cage Conversion — knowing why the mustache matters is itself a diagnosis)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 23: "Subject explained the Deadfall–Arsenal shared universe at a wedding reception. Unprompted. With a timeline. The newlyweds' first dance was delayed. Subject considers the delay 'worth it for the canon.' The couple has not reached out."

Mom and Dad (2017)

Nicolas - as Brent Ryan "What if a mysterious signal made all parents want to kill their children, and I destroyed a pool table I built with my own hands while singing the Hokey Pokey — BEFORE the signal hit?" - Cage

Era: The Dark Ages' closing argument. The debt was nearly paid. The rage was not. One final scream for the road.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED IN SONG. The Hokey Pokey, performed with sledgehammer accompaniment, marks the Clause's only documented musical-theater compliance. Crucially, the pool table scene occurs before the killer signal activates — meaning this was just Brent. This was just Tuesday. The Clause wept with pride.

Contamination Vector: You will hum the Hokey Pokey with unmistakable menace during home improvement tasks. You will look at things you built with your own hands and understand, deeply, that they can be unmade. That IS what it's all about.

Denise's Verdict: "I'm calling someone." (About the researcher, not the film. The distinction no longer matters.)

Film: 6.8/10

Cage Impact: 9.4/10 ★★★★★ (The purest dose of the entire Dark Ages — rage, song, and sledgehammer in perfect ratio)

RGR: 19% (Full Cage Conversion)

So I found this pic on pinterest and I love it for several reasons

1) candid photo of Bill reading (maybe a script, both actors are in Drive Angry, so maybe its prep for that movie)

2) goddammit look at Bill, fuckin long lines of lean yum in his business casual and sexy glasses fucking tall drink of water #stayhydrated

(Repost)

Asking Tumblr because I'm board.