I have been thinking of things no one ever mentioned to me about being in a long term relationship that I have realized, after 15 years with my partner, are in-fact, insanely important:
But first, there is so much pressure to partner up, and no one ever says it’s ok to be single. It’s ok to be single. If you aren’t enough alone, you won’t be enough with someone else. Only you have that power to make yourself complete. A partner can make you happy and a partnership can be extraordinary fulfilling but it will complement you, it won’t complete you. And on that note, a partnership should be a want and not a need.
But if you do find someone, here are some things to keep in mind:
1.) The foundation of a partnership shouldn’t just be romance or attraction - it should be friendship. This, in my observation, is the bedrock from which successful partnerships are built on. When it all goes to hell or you have your best day ever, you want to go through it with your ride or die.
2.) You will both get busy. Stress and responsibility will take over your day to day life. You will ride the ups and downs of loss and disappointments together. You might feel like you are constantly busy, or mired in depression or a work deadline and don’t have time for a hug or kiss, sex. That hot and heavy phase that many sexual relationships have, and that enamored googly-eyed love that many partnerships have transforms and settles. You have to work at adoration and affection. You have to make time and effort to appreciate your partner and relationship. And when you or they need some space, then that should be made clear and respected, too.
3.) To be sure, there will lows, but there will be high moments, too. Many moments together of profound joy and love. Celebrate and savor those together.
4.) There is a fine line between communicating one’s needs and nitpicking. Don’t die on every hill. Prioritize the important ones. You will fight. If you were wrong apologize. If they were wrong, they should. Speak your needs, let them do the same, learn, and then move on. Let it go. And this also speaks to compatibility - if there is an abyss between your needs and what your partner can provide, question if it’s a healthy dynamic before making any long term commitment.
5.) You spend literally years of your life with this person. If they have habits or tendencies or do things that trigger you - it will probably get worse, and not better over time. Lip smacking? Talking too much? Leaving dishes in the sink? Do they sleep too much or too little compared to you? Are you a night owl and they’re an early bird? Can you live with that? Can you accept them, even with their faults? And vice versa, can they live with the things about you that you probably won’t change?
6.) There will be elections and world events that will bring into stark contrast differences in values, morals, and political beliefs. Different philosophies on personal finance. Opinions on children and family structure. Assume you cannot change them or their minds and methods. Know and communicate what your respective redlines are for being with someone who does or doesn’t see things the way you do. And sometimes relationships just don’t work out - partnerships fail, the team becomes irrevocably broken. Give yourself permission to walk away if that’s what’s best.
7.) You are still an individual person. You are entitled to your own hobbies and personal joys, your dreams, a meaningful career, a personal faith or a spiritual journey. You are a whole person and half a partnership and it’s ok to nourish your individual self too. It’s ok. Do not apologize for this. But do communicate your needs and help your partner cultivate their individual selves too. This requires strong communication and compromise. It’s hard, you have to practice this.
8.) I keep using the word partnership and that isn’t an accident. A committed long term relationship is the most gnarly, complicated group project imaginable. You have to work as a team - in love, business,/finances, chores, difficult times, possibly in child or pet rearing. It’s hard work. It requires constant effort. You have to tend to your partnership with the four Cs: commitment, communication, compromise, compassion. Be a battle couple.
9.) Have fun! 🤩 Take trips, go skinny dipping, hold hands and take walks, enjoy nature, share your dreams, have a lazy day on the couch reading books and cuddling.
10.) If you have a child(ren) and/or marry - you marry their family too. So make sure you like their family because in all likelihood you will have to co-exist with them, and have legally binding ties to some extent forever.
Ok, that’s it. Be well, be yourself, find joy!
