I had the same pattern ever since I was in high school. When something goes wrong, go and take it out on someone else. Contemplate, yell, scream, be an ass. But I don’t know what to do now. Now it’s different.  

Now I have the light in my life, and she’s starting to dim. I’m doing that to her, she used to be so bright, so happy. And that is why I fell for her; all I do now is push her away. I’m too harsh, too cruel. And at the moment I don’t know what I’m doing until I have to beg my way back into Y/n’s heart.  

Arguments, that turned into silence. I would look at her when she wasn’t paying attention. I’d try to start a conversation, but I could never get the words out. Something about telling her that I was wrong and she was right., I couldn’t shake it.  

It was hard enough for me to talk to someone, but to be truthful and let them know that I wasn’t right was even worse. I had been harsh with Y/n after a particular hunt. She had been hurt trying to save Sam's and I ass.  

The entire car ride was silent, and not to mention that there was time before this. Where I’d be quiet thinking about what had gone on many times before. She was hurt, it wasn’t bad or anything but I had told her to be my back-up not go in guns blazing and end up getting hurt. Sam sat quiet in the passenger seat, looking through his phone for yet another case.  

Y/n lay in a tight ball, holding herself together. I could barely see her in the rear view mirror, but the slightest of movement and sounds that came from the back seat had my attention. Y/n and I had been dating, but it wasn’t something that had been going on for a while.  

Now when I say this, I mean it, I fell for her the first day I saw her. Love at first sight like Sam likes to say. Sam teases me about how l fell for a girl, and everything seems to be going my way. The whole apple pie life I thought I wasn’t ever going to get.  

It always taken me time to realize things, now if that’s good or bad. I don’t have those answers. I’m not blaming the way that I act on my shitty childhood, or horrible upbringing, but I’m saying that those probably had an effect on me and still have an effect on me now.  

I’m forty-two years old and I still have no clue what I’m doing in life. What I should be doing is riding in my car, with my girl, and be happy. But instead, I'm upset with who I don’t know, I'm barely getting away from yet another hunt.  

You'd think a 6’1-foot-tall man, wouldn’t fall short on talking with his family, and his partner. Being overall open with people. But again, I think it’s something I learned as a child. Stay mute even when you’re asked a question.  

When we finally made it to the bunker it was still very quiet. Y/n had ended up falling asleep. Sam and I looked at her and then back at each other. “Dean, she’s your girlfriend. Get over yourself would you and help her.” He said getting out of the passenger side. I didn’t have any time to respond before he went into bunker, leaving me with Y/n.  

So, I bucked up, leaving the driver seat, and climbing into the back seat to get Y/n. Her hand still tightly wrapped around her waist. “Y/n, honey I’m going to pick you up and take you to your room okay?” I spoke  

So, that’s what I did I grabbed her gently, and she wrapped her arms around my neck. I shut the doors to the car, and I walked into the bunker. Again, it was silent as I walked around the halls of the bunker.  

Y/n’s door was slightly ajar, meaning that I could push my booted foot between the open space. I walked around her room, and found her bed. Placing her down gently, I pulled her boots off, and her heavy jacket that was hardly blood stained from the hunt.  

Because she was asleep, I had no energy to want to even start a fight. I left Y/n’s room quietly closing her bedroom door. And made my own way to my own room, when I finally sat down on my bed I started to think.  

Thinking about how if Y/n was awake when we had arrived home it would have been a different story. How I would have yelled, screamed, have a fuss, and then drank the rest of the night away. I thought how Sam would look at me and instead see our father. I thought how Y/n would be quiet and walk away.  

I’d decide now to rethink my relationship not saying that I’d ever break up with my sweet Y/n, but I needed to get better. I needed to be better for her, be better for Sam, and be better for myself. So, I made the choice as I walked to my bedroom. Tonight, I would first off get a good night's rest, wake up and start the day off good.  

So that’s what I did, I fell asleep knowing that tomorrow morning would be a better day. When I woke up the next morning everything was okay. Walking around the bunker to find Sam in the library, and Y/n in the kitchen. So, I started with Sam he was an easier target.  

“Sam, do you mind if we have a quick chat?” I asked. Sam titled his head, rising his eyebrows in a confusion, and then huffed a little before answering with a hesitation in his voice. “Sure, what do you want to chat about?” “I’d like to start off by saying I’m sorry for the way it was when we were kids. I’d also like to apologize for all the shit I put you through after we found dad. I’m sorry that I act like a douche bag, I’m sorry that I yell at you like dad used too. I’m sorry for actions and I know I don't say this enough but I love you.” I said before sitting down across from Sam.  

He looked at me for a couple of seconds before getting up from his seat before and rounding the table. My brother had a growth support and somehow had gotten taller than me, I thought as I looked up at my younger brother, he looked as if he was hesitant, toying with whatever idea that had made him around the table.  

Before Sam could get another word out, I quickly sat up and hugged him. Now this type of embrace was the one like when the world was ending and we were sacrificing ourselves. This type of hug was the type that meant “I love you too”. An action that meant more than the word they backed-up.  

This embrace wasn’t long, it was known between the two of us that we’d hug and then let go of each other. That’s what happened, but knowing that there wasn’t anything after us, or we weren’t dying was a nice thought to hold onto.  

“De, I love you too. Now you should probably go do the same with Y/n.” Sam said before patting my shoulder and rounding the table again to sit in his seat. Like nothing had happened, but then again that’s just how our relationship went, that’s how we grew up. Emotions and then act as if nothing happened, because emotions show weakness.  

As I walked out of the library, I needed a few seconds to think so I took advantage of the two different ways to get to the kitchen, opting for the longer choice. As I walked, I thought how difficult our childhood had been, how now I could finally say that I was dealing with it all. I could smell the coffee, and hear Y/n putting out dishes and looking through cabinets trying to find breakfast for this morning.  

As I walked in, Y/n didn’t even know I was in the room. The split second that she didn’t know was perfect. It was odd all that time I had spent with Lisa I’d never had a moment of clarity like this. In that moment it was like I was weightless. Nothing could hurt her or me, everything seemed normal. “Jesus Dean you can’t just come up behind people and not say anything. I could drop something!” Y/n said as held her hand over her heart.  

I chuckled unfolding my arms and leaning off the side of the doorway. As I walked into the kitchen, she handed me a coffee cup. I hadn’t realized how much Y/n and I’s routine was synced. In the morning she’d be in the kitchen hand me my coffee cup, wait until I had a least a few sips before wanting to have a serious conversation. Then once I sat my cup down on the counter conversation was flowing, I grab plates as she cooked breakfast. My height giving me an advantage to be able to reach over Y/n’s head and grab a few other needed things.

Y/n would than take advantage of the fact that sometimes in the comfort of the bunker I wasn't paying attention. She’d poke my sides with the end of the spatula, Y/n would then look up at me and giggle before going back to cooking.  

This was every morning thing between the two of us. When we did finally sit down, I could tell that Y/n was still upset with me. So, in a moment of rash decision I cleared mt throat catching her attention.  

“I know that I’m an asshole most of the times. I also know that nobody wants to deal with that, so I’m doing this I’ve already thought of a thousand ways of saying this. A thousand ways of how this could play out. Most of them ending with you walking out of the door. I know that I’m not perfect, But I can do better, please known that I’ll be and get better.” I spoke. I was quiet for a moment not wanting to bombarded Y/n was too much at once. She nodded her head and motioned me to continue.  

“I want you to know that I'll do anything... Anything you want me to do. I want you to know that this was hard for me to do, I hate the way I act, I hate not having control, but there’s something that I don’t hate and that’s loving you.” I spoke before looking down at my coffee cup. My knuckles going white from how hard I was trying to control my emotions.  

“I love you too babe.” Y/n finally said before getting up from her seat and sitting next to me. As she sat down, I rested my head on her shoulder and mumbled “Just don’t leave me.” As I spoke, she wisped her hands through my hair. “Just don’t leave me like everyone else has, I love you Y/n.”  

She lifted my head up from her shoulder her hands grasping my cheeks and made me look at her. “I’m not going anywhere. People have fights, they have arguments, but they make-up. They fix the issues. And I like making up with you Dean.” She said a smirk on her face and winked at me.