#dont read.

*runs away*

FROM:[email protected]

TO: [email protected]

Ms. Jackson, I have went over the grades as we discussed on Monday and there was no mishaps. You’ve handed in many assignments late, and while your proposals were thought out immaculately, you have either missed the deadline numerous times or have simply left out cited sources and readings that needed to be included in order to receive a fair grade. While your grade has suffered it is not the end. We have numerous assignments left before the end of the semester; along with the final that will contribute a great deal to you still passing the course with a satisfactory grade. Please check your syllabus along with any work that was posted online. Remember your next quiz on business management is next week, This will be a start for you to change your grade. I will also be giving out an extra credit assignment soon. While it will be lengthy, it will help. 

                           Professor Joseph Nelson. 

some of the thoughts i've had today:

i should stop playing the 24 hour game of "what happened 24 hours ago" and "where will I be in 24 hours" the answer to both of those should be in bed and sleeping if I should be sleeping right now instead of letting the insomnia take over after getting into bed.

i was having a rough morning the other day but pretended i was fine when my friend asked me how i was doing. when i was clearly not fine but its okay im good at hiding it.

I also mayyyy have insulted another friend by acknoledging their presence after they had told me they wouldnt be coming to school but changed their mind. I was simply surprised. Good surprised. But words are hard and it probably definetely did not come across that way. anyways im still thinking about it.

I should also start asking my one friend's pronouns more often. Their pronouns change and I keep on forgetting to do so. and i also need to do more nice things instead of just letting others do nice things.

when i was tired the other day i made the decision to use my friends as a podcast while i half doze off, causing me to follow them around. it always felt like they were leaving semi-soon after i reentered the space (probably me exaggerating i have no feel for time whatsoever). I somehow feel like I shouldnt have done that. Even when I didnt say anything. Its probably just anxiety tho.

My friend said I remind them of a dandelion. I accepted what I believe was a compliment in the moment - they are always nice to me and wouldnt have a reason to randomly insult me as far as im aware. My brain decided that they meant I was a weed. I can't stop thinking about it and then thinking about how irrational that thought is before going back to thinking about the possibility of my friend hating me.

which makes zero sense.

i need to consistently use the medication I have been prescribed I'm really not good at that.

I am in pain more often than I should be as a child.

I have an exam tomorrow that I have done 0 null zilch no prep for and it will probably go horribly.

i didnt sleep well last night I wonder what will happen tonight.

was i annoying in that cat meet and greet i did today? probably but the cat got adopted so it doesnt matter.

that one woman has some odd spiritual beliefs but they seem to work out for her so props i guess.

im tired. and i should stop watching true crime.

I havent made my lunch for tomorrow. I should skip all my classes tomorrow. but also im excited for tomorrow.

one of my friends wished me good luck on my exam. another friend who had an exam today i wished good luch yesterday and they havent responded. a different friend said their exam yesterday went well.

ok so massive fcuking trigger warning for s.h. if youre gonna actually read this for some godforsaken reason

i, i really dont want to relapse. i really really dont want to. ive been good for just short of two months thats such a long time for me and i really really wanna keep the momentum but my god damn brain wont let me forget about the gd boxcutter downstairs. and about how much i suck as a person. and not really talkning to anyone in a while isnt helping the situation but i cant bring myself to actually talk to any rn bc a. its like 2am no one is up and b. i dont wanna bother anyone bc this is so fucking dumb who cant not hurt themself how fucking stupid is that thats like step one in being a human person and also i dont wanna make someone think about anytihing thats gonna put them in a bad mindset jsut to help my sorry ass out, especially not at 2 in the god dam n morning. and i just. i dont know what to do. i mean. i guess ill try to sleep? theres nothing else to do really.. i do have to get up kinda early tomorrow and then drive a lot,.. idk i just. idk how well ill sleep or even if ill get to sleep soon at all. and then also if i put my computer away thats a tangible line to others put away. and yeah ill still have my phone out for access but like. thats different,, not really i guess but my dumbass brain sees it differently. like, i guess the computer is solidly the internet where people jsut are and expec t contact at weird hours, but like, a ohone is a direct seeking out of others adn that goes back to points a and b up there. plus it feels like more effor t and idk how much of that ill have if things get bad... i just really really dont want to fucking relapse. like. id ont know. bc i dont want to and yet its somehow really hard for me to not rn and i dont fucking get why. i dont even know exactly what it is i get from doing that.. i mean.. no. i do know. i just dont like admitting it bc then i know what i want and that means i can find better ways of getting it. but i guess lets just put all that out there so that if i do fuck up tonight im an extra fuckup. bc why tf not. so. the biggest part (i think?) is the visual of it that lasts for at least two weeks even if it doesnt really scar. this is really fucked up i know but it kinda proves to me that im here and that im messed up and that anyone sticking around with that shit on my body knows what theyre in for but chooses to stick around anyway. so its like... confirming how shitty i am but also validating bc external love still happens despite how shitty i am... and ive never said it exactly like that before and holy shit is that fucked up. im so fucking sorry. another part of it i guess is the physical pain distracting from the emotinoal pain like for most people who do this shit . y aknow. it distracts but it also validates any hurt youre feeling bc ovs you are hurt so yeah youre hurting it just kinda redirects all that i guess idk. i think right now what i want is partially that redirection but also ive been a bit self-sabatoge-y lately like self isolating and not eating when i get hungry at like 4pm or so bc ~dinners soon dont wanna spoil that~ but like. thtas not great. and also staying up late... like now... and i think this is just the next tactic my fucjig shit brain is using to fuck with my life. to try and prove to me that i cant be happy or have any of my shit together bc im just a fuck up see you broke your longest streak ever you cant even manage a full two months. pathetic. so. thats what i want out of doing that... i think... but also i dont want to. i really relaly dont want to. i think ive got enough self-respect at the moment to say that ive been doing good and i dont want to throw that away bc i felt bad one night.