#donoevil

Junho x Damian [Yuri Edition] Characters belong to @ototobo + DoNoEvil Speedpaint

YK it’s a tiny bit . Tiring. How I try my best to listen and make everyone feel welcome, support interests and let people know they’re heard, but when it’s my turn, I’m met with silence and one note answers.

I don’t want to stop. I’m not going to stop listening, I’m not going to stop letting people know I love them and their interests, and hell, I am deep in an interest I share with most of my inner circle currently.

But if I dare deviate from that, or, sometimes, even inside that interest, I’m met with silence.

But as I’ve said, I’m not going to stop. Everyone deserves to be heard. For seven years I had to be CAREFUL talking about what I like, out of fear of it being taken from me, or harming the other person. I wish that on no one. Nor am I saying I HAVE to get it back.

It would just…be nice, you know?

It’s gotten so bad that, when I get the occasional “go” to talk about my interests, I have to ask. Several times. “Are you sure?” “Really? I can?”

Part of me is fearful I’ll be stuck like this for the rest of my life. Destined to listen, but not to be heard. Or only heard under certain conditions. Interests that I’ve had for years, that I can finally return to, in full, while I have no fear of them being taken now, I’m now met with another problem.

I don’t think anyone cares to listen.

But I don’t want to…say anything? Because I understand. Some are not even in the right headspace to listen, or it’s hard for them to. Which is why I feel less anger, and more sadness and bitterness. Because I get it. And I’m afraid to even say anything. I don’t want anyone to feel guilty.

I’ve kept this mostly to myself, and have kept doing this for years now. I feel I’ve been doing an ok job, despite how open I am about my emotions. I don’t know why, but recently, its been hurting so much more.

It makes me want to cry. I’m in the car right now, sitting in a parking lot waiting for my mom. Part of me just wants to unleash the waterworks, the other just wants to stare off and sulk for a while. Which is okay.

Like I said, I’m going to keep making sure everyone knows I care. Deep down, I just love doing that. And I know what it’s like.