#donallogue

Somehow, I keep getting dragged back to Ghost Rider. Why? The performances are bad, special effects dated, villains are boring and the story's a mess. Either it’s madness, or I’ve just seen this film too many times but its lack of quality is starting to grow on me.

Johnny Blaze (Nicholas Cage) is a stunt motorcycle driver who sold his soul to the devil. Now, he's "The Rider"; charged with running errands for Satan (Peter Fonda). To accomplish this, Johnny transforms into a flaming skeleton and turns sinner's trespasses against them. The adventure begins when Johnny is tasked with taking down the Devil’s own son, Blackheart (Wes Bentley). At the same time, Johnny's old flame, Roxanne (Eva Mendes) shows up, ready to win over Blaze's heart and be kidnapped for climactic convenience.

If one actor is bad, it’s their fault. If two are bad, they needed to rehearse some more. When EVERYONE (or in this case, EVERYTHING) is bad, the director's to blame. This story feels like it was written in a day, with no second opinions or revisions. Stuff just happens without logic or explanations and characters’ powers are loosely established so we can conveniently move from one nonsensical event to the next. I'll forgive Johnny for selling his soul to the Devil. Otherwise, you've got no plot. But Why does Mephistopheles/Satan need the Rider if he can just kill people with effort or consequences?

When it comes to the villains, there’s no other word for it. They suck. The principal adversaries that Ghost Rider faces are Blackheart, basically Edward Cullen with vaguely established demonic powers (“All of my father’s powers, and none of his weaknesses” because originality has no place in this screenplay) and three bozos who would be more threatening if they wore Halloween costumes. None of these Nephilim lasts more than 30 seconds against the Rider. How can there be any tension when one of their most powerful moves is driving a truck and attempting to run over our hero?

Continuing the chain of weak links are the protagonists. The only thing that gives Johnny Blaze any kind of personality is Nicolas Cage's performance. He's a stunt driver but the aspects attributed to this profession, like being reckless and a thrill-seeker disappear entirely when he becomes the Ghost Rider for the first time and then never return. Paired up with him is Sam Mendez as the love interest. Her character is just there to be kidnapped and to have the typical “superhero identity clashing with civilian life” stuff that works in superhero stories who feature actual characters but not so much when your hero’s dialogue is entirely composed of puns and one-liners. I will give her some credit though. First of all, she has the funniest scene in the movie and, thanks to the costume designer spends nearly the entire film with her shirt in various states of openness. She has a great rack.

This movie is awful, but also entertaining. The performances and dialogue are consistently laughable, the weak villains are easy fodder for comedy (I particularly liked “Wet Willie”. He looks like a mix between a Jamaican rapper and the whitest vampire you’ve ever seen). Ghost Rider inherently lends himself to bad puns and ridicule.  Keep an eye out for Rebel Wilson in a small role. She’s not good - in fact, I’d call her part embarrassing but everyone, from Sam Elliot to Nicolas Cage’s overacting to Eva Mendez’s cleavage are cringe-inducing.

It's a paint-by-numbers superhero origin story. Not the worst out there but without Nicolas Cage hamming it up, hoo boy. This would be a chore to get sit through. As a flick you can riff on, however, Ghost Rider can be a lot of fun. (On Blu-ray, March 12, 2015)