#dollhood

neurodivergency - feeling like an alien, foreign to this wierd planet and its customs and feeling like you missed some guide on how to be human and have been trying to adapt/wing it since a young age to merely mimick being a human being based on what your surroundings have taught you.

bpd - feeling like you died years ago, a shell of a human no long fit for human existence and past its prime/expiration date and not feeling fit to continue or fit in in this world yet just continuing on as a husk that nether the less continued moving along.

dollhood - feeling like your pretending to be a person, an object that should not have to have such complicated internal thoughts and is being misstreated by having to pretend to be human instead of letting go and being a doll.

every moment feels awkward just by taking up space

they dont want me trusting my body my spirit or my mind

they dont want me speaking all the things that weigh so heavy on my mind

they want me to feel like my whole life deserves to be erased

i gotta remember that to myself i must always be kind

for the chaos that thrashes my soul i must hold grace

do i know that i know who i am on the inside?

because it feels like im fighting a battle every day

to seek out my true self, under wretched twisted layers of internalized violence i must find

the deepest love for myself and my people

but shes caged by insecurities, uncertainties about who how or what she is

she'll fight like hell to shine her light thru the bars of her own construction

theyre searing hot to the touch

but actually theyre cold as ice

i hold on for dear life

how deep my love is for others

can run just as far down for myself

terrified of falling into the gaping holes in my soul

so i hang on for dear life

to the cage around my heart

it kept me alive for many years before i realized that i am me

half of me cant wait for the day the cage is gone

half of me is terrified of what id do without the familiarity of its rigid boundaries

half of me knows its convenient, its easy, its a path of least resistanceto hang on

but if i keep holding on

eventually my arms will get tired

and my hands will lose all feeling

burned to the bone by fire and frozen over again by ice

and my grip will slip whether i want to or not

all of me knows

i need to let go

before i can learn