#doljanchi

My son is one. ♥️🇰🇷😊

I was always unsure of having children. I was afraid of passing my trauma to them, of raising them in a world like this. Now I have two. Like they say, it’s true: I can’t imagine a life without them. And I am trying to build a home for them that will bring joy and safety, that they enter whole in a hardened world, that they may always feel free to return home where they need no shoes, only an empty stomach for food.

•

I worry a lot for my son. There are so many hard and harmful ideas about what it means to be a “man.” I was raised with many of those ideas. I was told to never apologize, to always fight to win, to never show my tears. But—this is a home for my son where I say sorry, where it’s okay to lose and learn and fall, where our tears are not weakness but strength.

For our doljabi—the Korean tradition for the one year birthday where the one-year-old grabs an object to “determine their destiny”—my son picked a stethoscope. People cheered but he cried. It’s a lot of noise, a lot of pressure for a child under so many voices. I picked him up and I whispered into his ear, “You don’t have to be a doctor. I just want you to be happy. Please find happiness.”

The pastor then prayed this prayer: “You may or may not be a doctor. But you will bring healing to many lives.” And I wept, because I believe cycles can be broken and we can be more than what they made us. I’m trying, son, to give you more.

•

I love you, my son. I have loved you and will love you through all you become. Anything you want to be and everything you go through, I will be there too.

One day I will be a ghost in my children’s head.

I hope I do not haunt them, but lift them.

That my voice not be chains, but wings.

2024.08.15 Na Hyemi's IG Update 🤍🤍🤍

Note: From the prints on the balloon, the photo was taken at baby Mun's 1st birthday (March 1st this year).

Source: Na Hyemi IG

Yankee Doljanchi / 양키 돌잔치

Dol (baby's first birthday) was an important milestone for our grandparents' generation, a time when only half of Korean children survived infancy. Ritual food and objects are arranged around the child on a dolsang 돌상 to receive guests and gifts, while various items representing potential future fortunes and omens are placed on the floor for the child to randomly grab (thus sealing their own fate) during the doljabi 돌잡이 ceremony.

"Does Halmeoni love her half-Korean grandchildren half as much?" I pondered once as I witnessed the dol ceremonies of our cousins (the ones with Korean names chosen by their Korean father's father). Perhaps it is better to avoid thinking there is only one predetermined destiny to manifest for oneself.

Rated G,  3041 words, on AO3

“Going out hunting,” Daryl mumbles as he grabs his crossbow.  His footfalls are a little louder than usual.  Something’s bothering him, Glenn can tell.  But sometimes he just has to let Daryl work out whatever it is by stomping through the woods, shooting things. Though, it’s not hard to figure out the source of his mood this evening.

“Okay. Mom is making dinner, so you don't need to catch much.”

Daryl's response isn't audible to Glenn's ears.  Which may be for the better. Glenn's mom has been staying with them for a couple of days already, preparing for Kevin's doljanchi. Their little house can barely fit everyone.  It’s only four people, three adults and an almost-one-year-old, in their tiny two bedroom house, but you’d think it was Glenn’s entire extended family or something, the way they’re hitting on nerves so close to the surface.  Thank God Merle moved out awhile ago.

Well, he didn’t so much move out as announce loudly when Glenn and Daryl started dating that the walls in their house were too thin for him to be around on nights when Glenn was staying over. Since that started happening more often than not, Merle and his stuff became more and more scarce.  Eventually they figured out that Merle had met someone, and miraculously, she didn’t mind him moving into her place.

They give Glenn's mom their room and put a full sized air mattress in Kevin’s room.  It covers the entire floor next to the crib so they only put it down at night and have to lean it up against the wall when they wake up in the mornings.  One frantic night Glenn woke up disoriented when he heard Kevin crying, jumped up and tripped so violently after running straight into the baby’s dresser that the mattress popped, sending Kevin into terrified screams.  That was not a great night.

Luckily, Daryl was able to patch the mattress the next day.  Too bad their nerves and tempers were not so easily fixed. Those took several more days to smooth over.

Daryl comes home with a rabbit, already dressed and butchered, which he puts immediately into the deep freeze storage in the garage.  They eat the jajangmyeon that Glenn’s mom made for dinner that night.  It’s Daryl’s favorite of her Korean dishes and Glenn isn’t ashamed to admit (though not to Daryl) that he asked her to make it, hoping to improve Daryl’s mood.  Plus, the noodles are soft enough so that Kevin can eat it too. The black bean sauce smears around his mouth and makes him look like he’s growing a baby beard.  Glenn takes a picture of Daryl holding him, with their matching goatees.

They get to bed early that night, to get ready for another day of work and preparations.

--

The next morning Glenn’s mom takes over the kitchen as usual.  Even getting a cup of coffee is a hassle, the coffee maker buried behind bowls full of marinades and sauces on the counter.

Daryl leaves early for his work, without coffee, at the high school, kissing Glenn and Kevin and giving Mrs. Rhee a nod.  Glenn has the mornings to play with Kevin while his mom works on preparing party food.  Around ten Glenn packs Kevin up and takes him to the daycare run by Beth Greene, their family friend, on his way to work.  Mrs. Rhee continues party prep and also makes dinner and baby food throughout the day.  Then, when Daryl brings Kevin home from his daycare she spends the late afternoon playing with him while Daryl showers and cleans up, then joins them.  When Glenn comes home they all have dinner together. Daryl and Glenn go through Kevin's night time routine, bathing him, reading his stories and giving him a last bottle before he falls asleep. This is their pattern through the week until it's finally the day before the party.

--

Friday they pick Glenn's dad and sisters up from the airport. More family will be coming in from Michigan the next day, the day of the party.  

Fortunately for them, Glenn's extended family knows the significance of this milestone, and two aunties and four cousins on his mom’s side are willing to travel for it.

Holding it in Georgia, they figure the maximum number of friends and family will be there, which is their goal.  Also, the wedding had been up near Michigan so having the party in Georgia seems only fair.  Only a few people were able to travel to the wedding: Merle, his girlfriend Andrea, and her sister Amy. Luckily, Hershel Greene, Beth’s father, had thrown a reception for them at his beautiful farmhouse just outside Atlanta, so they were also able celebrate with their friends locally.

Mr. Rhee, Ada and Alene spend the day at the house with Kevin, Mrs. Rhee, but later in the evening Glenn takes them to their rented rooms at Hershel’s. The retired and widowed veterinarian had converted his huge farmhouse into a bed and breakfast after all his kids moved out leaving so many rooms empty. His daughter Maggie soon moved back home to help him run it.

--

Finally, the big day arrives.  Everyone wakes up early.  The house is so clean you could eat off any surface but Mrs. Rhee continues to wipe and polish anything she can get at with her microfiber cloths.

They've set up one long picnic table out back with tons of chairs. Finger foods and bowls of Korean snacks fill the center of the table.  All the other available surfaces at their house, inside and out, are covered with food too; the dining room table, the kitchen counters, the coffee table, the wet bar and the hutch have bowls of the largest fruit found in the state -- mangoes, asian pears, apples, carved watermelons and pineapples. Plates and platters are stacked with ricecakes, sweets and cakes, and all the grilled meats, vegetable and banchan dishes Mrs. Rhee prepared throughout the week.

There is one small table on the porch that doesn’t have food piled on it, sitting low to the floor. It’s covered with a red tablecloth and on top are seemingly random objects set out on display. Glenn waves Daryl over.

“This is the Doljabi.  Do you remember?”

Daryl nods but looks slightly unsure so Glenn goes into the explanation again.  It should be easier to remember now that they have it laid out in front of them.

“Whatever Kevin touches first is believed to be symbolic of what will come to him in life. The pencil represents intelligence - it means he’ll have a good job. The gold coin is, well, pretty self explanatory, he’ll never want for money. String represents a long life. Food - your kid will never go hungry.  Those are the really traditional objects.  The rest are more modern additions.  The stethoscope means your child will go into medicine.  A ball represents sports.  Books for academia. We didn’t put in a paint brush for artist - I didn’t think you’d mind.  Some people add objects for politics or acting.”  Glenn shrugs, since it didn’t seem important to either of them.  “I'm debating putting my phone or laptop in for a technology career.  But we have the pencil to represent, like, all good jobs.  I don't know if I want to pigeonhole him into something he doesn't like. You know, us Asians and our tiger parenting. I figure we’ll keep to the more general fortunes.”

Daryl nods and crouches down in front of the table, tracing his fingers over the gold coin.  He looks at Glenn briefly then goes to the bedroom closet and comes back in with the crossbow. Sets it on the table. It takes up all the remaining space, even hanging off the edge and covering several other objects.

“Oh, hey.  Bow and arrow is actually one of the traditional items,” Glenn is surprised he remembers this.  “It represents bravery.  But then people didn’t like that in older times it meant that your child would go into the military - become a war hero or general or something.  It’s fallen out of tradition.  But, do you want it to mean bravery?”

“No.  It’s...that our kid’s gonna be a hunter.”

“But.  He’ll learn that anyway.  Do you think he’ll become a  professional  hunter when he grows up?  That’s sort of what that will imply.”

“No.  It’s… It’s just important.”  Daryl is staring hard at the crossbow, brow furrowed, rubbing his chin.

Glenn pauses before responding.  He knows this could be a sensitive area for Daryl.  “I don’t think my mom would like a weapon as part of the Doljabi.  She’ll think it means he’ll grow up to be a criminal. Or make a living where he’ll have to use weapons.”

Daryl isn’t meeting Glenn’s eyes.  It’s almost how he was early in their relationship: closed off, hesitant to share his feelings.  “S’my kid.  I’ll put what I want.”

Glenn knows when he shouldn’t push.  “Okay.  Um.  Okay. I’ll- I’ll let her know.”  He will.  He’ll make her understand, because it’s important to Daryl.  But he still has  some  concerns. “It's kind of big though. He might grab it first just because it's the only thing he can see. Or because he sees you with it but he's not allowed to touch it. Or what if he starts thinking he can touch it because we let him grab it this one time?”

Daryl grunts and picks up the crossbow.  He leaves, though not in a huff or stomping like he had earlier in the week.

Glenn is at a loss.  Of course he’ll let Daryl include the crossbow.  It’s just...it's huge. Putting it out there with things like a pencil or a piece of string doesn’t seem balanced.  But does that matter?  If it’s something Daryl wants to be included in the Doljabi, would it be so bad if it’s so oversized that Kevin grabs it first?  Glenn hears Daryl’s motorcycle pulling out and driving off.

He’s only a little worried. Surely Daryl will come back.  He didn’t seem upset, per se.  But there  is  something bothering him, something important enough to take him away from the party.

The guests start arriving. Hershel and Maggie bring Glenn’s dad and sisters a little early so they can help with any last minute setup.  Beth comes soon after with her boyfriend Noah, and Kevin makes excited noises when he sees her.  Merle arrives with Glenn’s two aunts and Andrea and her sister Amy bring the cousins from Michigan they picked up at the airport.  Merle immediately heads straight for the coolers in the back yard with the beer, takes one for himself and starts passing them around.

College friend and sheriff’s deputy Rick Grimes and his new wife Michonne are the next to arrive with his five year old daughter Judith.  His teenage son, Carl, comes a few minutes later with girlfriend Enid. Morgan, Rick's friend who then became their friend, arrives with his son Duane, and the three teens head inside to play video games.

Daryl’s work buddy Tyreese Wililams brings his girlfriend Karen, and his sister Sasha brings her boyfriend Bob.

Rosita Espinosa and Abraham Ford were a couple who were part of Daryl and Glenn’s drinking group, but once they broke up started avoiding each other.  When they arrive they stay on opposite ends of the yard, but eventually start mingling with the group and later, grudgingly, with each other.  Also in attendance are Eugene and Tara, more drinking buddies and Tara’s girlfriend Denise.

Aaron and Eric are there, friends Glenn first met doing consulting work for their recruiting firm.  They hit it off and the two couples often hang out together.  Glenn calls it their gay alliance.

Carol, probably their oldest and dearest friend, and also Kevin’s godmother, is last to arrive with her daughter Sophia.

All these people comprise their found family - those they came to love due to shared interests, location and circumstance.  It's a blessing to be able to celebrate with them all.

Kevin, dressed in his hanbok, is carried around by Mrs. Rhee.  She likes showing off that he calls her ‘hah-mo’ now.  She lets others carry him too.  He goes willingly, recognizing almost everyone as imo, ajumoni, or sam-chon.

Glenn tells people who don’t know, about the doljanchi tradition.  How in the olden days in Korea, babies making it to their first birthday was rare, and so such an accomplishment called for a big celebration.  He also spends time describing and explaining all the Korean foods,  snacks and decorations.

Daryl slips in when Glenn is telling the kids about his favorite Korean candies, mallang cow chews. He goes into the house with a plastic bag under his arm.  Glenn slips away from the conversation and follows.  He sees Daryl opening a blister packaged toy.  When he gets close, Daryl puts a nerf crossbow on the table with the other objects.  It’s more reasonably sized and doesn’t take over the whole table like the real model had.  The bright neon green will be very eye catching to a one year old though.  He moves close to Daryl standing over the table and slips his arms around Daryl’s waist, hugging him from behind.  Daryl doesn’t turn, only places a hand on top of Glenn’s and they look at the items together.  Problem solved.

--

After the dinner of Korean specialties is finished, they ask everyone to gather around the doljabi table that’s been carried outside.  Glenn’s cousins have set up a skype call on his laptop so the rest of the family in Troy can watch and cheer too.

Glenn gives a speech, welcoming and thanking everyone for coming, and for their friendship through the years, for being a part of their lives and more recently, Kevin’s life.

He explains the doljanchi one more time. Then Daryl sets Kevin down in front of the table, far enough away so that he’ll have to crawl forward a few feet before he can reach any items.  At first Kevin is frozen, shocked by so many people crowded around, staring and cooing at him, but then he spots all the objects on the table and makes excited sounds.

Kevin scoots forward and gets a hand on the table and almost touches the spool of yarn but misses.  He pulls himself to standing so he has a better view of the items.  Glenn sees the moment Kevin spots the crossbow.  His eyes light up and he smiles a mostly gummy smile, grabs the crossbow with its orange and green foam bolts. Glenn’s mom wails and clutches her chest and shakes her head. Everyone else cheers and claps.  Daryl steps in quickly and swoops Kevin up, giving him a noisy kiss. Kevin squeals and laughs, still holding the crossbow, trying to chew on the handle.  

When people ask what the crossbow represents, Glenn tells them about the traditional bow and arrow that represented bravery, and that he and Daryl want Kevin to be a hunter like his dad. Daryl smiles slightly at Glenn’s explanation, but never offers the explanation or elaboration of his own.

--

The party goes on until late, but Glenn and Daryl slip away to put Kevin to bed at his usual time.  They are paying the teenage cousins to stay inside to keep an eye on him while the party continues on outside.  They rejoin the party once Kevin is asleep, taking turns carrying the baby monitor.

--

That night, after the guests have departed and Hershel and Maggie have taken Mr. and Mrs. Rhee, Ada and Alene back to the farm, Merle and Andrea have taken Glenn’s aunts and cousins to the hotel in town, and they have cleaned up only the most pressing mess (mostly putting away the leftover food) they wash up and collapse into their own bed.

Glenn pulls Daryl in for a kiss, just a light, press of lips.  They’re too exhausted for anything more.  Not even much talking beyond a few murmured comments about the party, their friends, family, and Kevin.

Glenn rolls onto his back and closes his eyes, ready to drift off, when he hears Daryl take a slow, deep breath.  It’s his ‘tell’ that he’s about to say something so Glenn opens his eyes and waits.

It takes Daryl a minute, then he starts in a low voice, “Hunting, it's. It’s...quiet. I found peace when I was hunting.”  He stops, looking up at the ceiling, then turns to fully face Glenn.  “It saved me.  When things were bad with my dad I could go hunt.  When we didn’t have a lot to eat.  After the house burned down and my-.”  His voice gives out and he takes a shaky breath.  It’s the most emotion Glenn has heard from him when talking about his past.  “When I figured out I was…different.” There’s the most meaningful pause Glenn thinks he's heard in their relationship. “That’s why it’s important to me.  Hunting, tracking, knowing the forest.  Knowing…yourself.  It makes you able to survive. Self sufficiency.  Not just surviving, but  knowing  you can survive.  It’s zen.  That’s…. that’s what I want for Kevin.”

Glenn nods, then takes Daryl’s hand.

“Okay.  Yeah.  That’s what I want too.  Thank you, Daryl.  Thank you for giving him that.  That’s what he’ll have.  That’s… yeah.”  He reaches out and slips his hand around to the back of Daryl’s neck, brings their foreheads together.  “I love you,” he whispers, and kisses him one more time, long and lingering.

When they pull apart, Daryl’s breathing is ragged. Glenn knows it’s a sign he’s overwhelmed, fighting his emotions.  He also knows Daryl wouldn’t want him to call attention to it so he shifts them into a more comfortable sleeping position, Daryl’s face tucked into Glenn’s shoulder.

2024.08.16 Na Hyemi IG Update:

Photo of baby Mun's first birthday (March 1st) was taken by the same photographer that did Eric and Hyemi's beautiful wedding photos in 2017. They don't change at all other than having an extra bundle of joy. 🤍🤍🤍

Eric is back to his idol / actor look. Should we anticipate a comeback?!

Lee Jung-hyun, the granddaughter of the three doctors, will become a celebrity. Zhuazhou Mike is out of the way.