#doing thangs

I’m proud of myself today. I woke up in a bummy blur. I could feel the familiar sensations and clues that my day was going to be a tough one and I’d likely spend it folded into my couch. After coffee and park with the dog I browsed the internet for “a cure for laziness”. I didn’t think I’d uncover anything serious or legitimate, but I was searching for something with any sort of pull to hold onto. I’ve been feeling lazy for so long and feeling so much shame and guilt for it. It’s painful, definitely. It’s so hard to watch time go by so quickly day after day and never step up to the plate in the way that I desperately want to. What a weird out of body experience. Anyway, most of the shit the internet had to say was run-of-the-mill and lackluster. I did, however, run into a lovely Youtube video that honestly turned my day around. It was called You’re Not Lazy, Bored, or Unmotivated. To boil it down, it reduced all perceived feelings of laziness, boredom, and lack of motivation down to simply fear. I’m not lazy, I’m fearful. I’m not bored, I’m fearful. I am not unmotivated, I am fearful. The funny thing is, is this is not news to me. I’ve known where my tricky tendencies have stemmed from. I KNOW I’ve been afraid. Hell, I’ve been petrified! But it was so nice to entertain the idea that laziness, boredom, and lack of motivation don’t even exist. They’re all only manifestations of fear! And fear, is human as fuck. Fear can be overcome. Fear is impersonal. Ugh! My day took a wholly different course than it has so many times before. I just DID things. I demoted all my hesitation, resistance, and struggle with showing up to just fear at the wheel. Rather than identify with these qualities and feel trapped with them, I was able to humanize them and see them as a means of protecting myself from fear. HA! Revolution! Mind you, it’s hella uncomfortable and I nearly failed when it counted. All this doing kind of makes my head spin. I feel panic sometimes and wonder if I could lose myself in a ridiculous momentum of ever-going. Whatever. 

I did material research for my furniture designs. It’s not pulsingly exciting but it’s damn relieving just to fucking do it and gain a little momentum. I learned about rotomolding, which is a method of casting plastics I am entertaining for a bed frame design I have been camping on. 

I read a bunch. 

I walked to the hardware store with the dog to pick up a special lightbulb for my new vintage floor lamp I awarded myself a couple weeks ago. Brooklyn is adorable with it’s niche family owned businesses. I feel SO much better purchasing my shit from these kinds of places than getting it delivered from daddy A-zon. Don’t be fooled though, A-zon’s still an awkward and necessary friend of mine. 

I stopped by a mom and pop animal supply store to pick the meow meows up some grain-free kibble and indulge the dog in some tasty chewy treats. 

I brought my two vintage nekkid lady photography prints the dude bought me for my birthday to a professional art framing studio literally right next to my building. Good god, frames are fucking expensive. But almost everything in New York seems to be wildly expensive. Hello, adulthood. My prints are huge, 5′x3′, so that sort of makes sense of the fucking $1000 a pop price tag. Sigh. Whatever. I’ve been blowing money like crazy lately. 

I then picked up my mail and opened it while debating heavily on whether or not I’d go into the beginners salsa class I promised myself I’d go to. I’ve got some itchy ache in the back of my throat and it’s Covid season. That, and I was feeling a little queasy. These were real things! Health things! I went back and forth with myself for about 30 long minutes. I actually thought that I wasn’t going to go! It was a close call but last second I heroically began to dress myself and drag myself out the door. I couldn’t even believe it. AND I AM SO GLAD I DID! The class was excellent! I had so much fun! It was only a beginners class and we were all fumbling babies but I broke a sweat and mingled with lots of fresh happy people. Immediately after class I bought the monthly membership. I undoubtably will be doing more of that. Salsa is my way to fun and friends, I can see it clearly. 

After class I walked alllll the way down to the edge of Williamsburg to retrieve my hot pink Discover card that I willingly abandoned at a crowded nightclub on New Year’s Eve. Came up dry though. Thems doors be locked (even though Google said they’d be open). Oh well. 

Walked down Bedford Ave to get to a great Vietnamese spot for some hot pho. Jokes on me, another locked door. HAHAH! Damn you, Google. I instead tried a little Polish place across the street and ordered myself a nice lil bowl of chicken noodle soup and my first ever plate of boiled pierogis. They were lovely. It was lovely. Today was a good day. 

Hip pain or not, I’ve been wanting to sign up for this race for a while now and just felt nervous about doing so... Tonight I went ahead and signed up, as I don’t have any other races until the Thomas Wolfe 8K in October. It’s in a couple of weeks, and I’m super excited to get ready for it! I know, this tumblr is supposed to be a “great year” sort of thing... but it still is- I would’ve never thought I’d ever run a race at all, let alone *keep* doing them. 

Continuing Hip Hop Fitness on Monday nights (adding Saturdays this weekend!) which is one of my favorite things to do now. Just another thing I would have never guessed that I’d be so in love with.