#do angst

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick.” Kyungsoo places a hand on your lower back to let you know. You smile at him, holding the cue upright, and reply with a short and sweet “okay”. 

Your eyes linger on his body a little longer, watching it disappear behind the door. 

“It’s so cool that you’re okay with all this, Y/N.” Jiho catches your attention. He’s looking at you with a smile. The same friendly smile he used to give you on his shifts at the shop. You missed it. 

You wished things had been different. Maybe if you hadn’t been such a geek back in the day. Not that you are any cooler now. He was always nicer with you within the confines of his dad’s shop. In the hallways of high school, he was a lot different. At the time, you never really understood why.  

It got a lot worse one day. His attitude shifted completely. Even at his dad’s shop. He began to treat you like everybody else: like you were nothing. You couldn’t understand what you had done wrong. All you knew was that you didn’t feel comfortable shopping at his dad’s store anymore. 

“With all what?” You reply as you wait for Hyoseob to shoot. 

Hyoseob seems too distracted to do so. He straightens and gives Jiho a warning look. 

“Stop. What’re you doing?” He nudges his friend with a worried expression. He ignores him. 

“With the bet?” Jiho’s head tilts innocently.  

You laugh uncomfortably. “The bet?” The words don’t settle well in your stomach. You stare back at the bathroom door, hoping Kyungsoo would show up and ease the tension. 

“Jiho, he’s gonna kill you. Please shut up.” Hyoseob makes it worse, begging Jiho to stop whatever he was about to confess. 

“You know he only asked you out because we dared him to sleep with you by the end of the semester, right?” 

The polite smile on your face falters as you feel your heart sink from your chest. You think back to the time he approached you. You were skeptical. You were careful. You did the steps to protect yourself from him. And you believed him anyways. 

Of course it was all a lie. A guy like Kyungsoo would have never gone for a girl like you. 

Your breaths become shorter, desperately gasping for air. Your hand rests on your chest, trying to settle the heaviness. 

Hyoseob tries checking on you but you push his arm off you. You can feel your heartbeat through your ears as you try and find your way through the door without passing out.  

Once you find the door to fresh air, you walk. 

You walk as fast as you can for as long as your legs take you. 

You didn’t want Kyungsoo going after you to explain himself. You believed his lie once. Who’s to say you wouldn’t fall for it a second time? 

Every single moment repeats itself like a joke in your head. Your first kiss. Your first time driving a manual. Your first date. 

Fuck. 

The comic book. You halt in your steps and just stand in the middle of the sidewalk. You grab the issue from your tote and stare at it. A tear falls onto the vintage copy. You immediately panic, blotting the wet mark with the end of your top.  

You wanted to throw it away, ruin it. Ruin the memory of that fake date.  

You can’t find it in you to. 

You scoff, “A fucking bet.” 

This couldn’t be your life. It can’t be.  

Your phone rings in your pocket and you laugh at how predictable this all is. You think of what to say. You want to think of some snappy comeback. Anything to hurt his feelings the way he’s hurt yours. But you can’t come up with any. It doesn’t feel natural to be mean to Kyungsoo. 

He made you fall for him, hard, and you didn’t know how to be mean to the person who has shown you nothing but kindness this past month. How could it have been fake? 

Reluctantly, you pick up the phone. 

“Y/N? Where are you?” He sounds panicked. It hurts to hear your name come from his mouth like this. Was he worried you left or that he lost his chance at winning the bet? 

The anger returns at the thought that he wasn’t calling from a place of genuine concern. It makes you lose control over your words. You almost regret it. 

“Don’t call. Don’t text. When you see me in class, don’t even look at me. Fuck you, Do Kyungsoo.” 

You hang up before he can say anything. You wipe your tears under your glasses before gathering yourself to call your brother. You take a deep breath, trying to keep your voice as neutral as possible.   

He answers after a couple rings. 

“Hey.” Chanyeol greets you casually with the grave voice he uses when he’s out with friends. 

“Hi. Are you busy?” You ask, using all your energy to stop your voice from wavering. 

“Kinda. I’m at Myeon’s. What’s up?” You hear him stand up and walk to a quieter area. “You okay?” 

“I- Can you pick me up?” You don’t tell him how you are, knowing that if you do, you would break down in tears again.  

Chanyeol’s big brother senses were tingling though. He knew something was wrong. You can tell he does by how quickly he agrees. 

"I’m Baekhyun’s ride. Is it okay if he’s in the car?” He asks while your patience runs thin. 

“I really don’t care. Just come get me.” Your words spew out in frustration. 

“Fuck, Y/N. You good? You don’t sound good.” Chanyeol’s concern speaks through the phone. 

“No, I’m not.” 

Chanyeol hears you loud and clear, grabbing Baekhyun who whines with a red cup in his hand. 

“K, we’re coming.” 

-------- 

“Y/N! You look so pretty today. Went on a date with that gu-- Ouchie.” Chanyeol hits Baekhyun when he gets to the end of his sentence. If it isn’t clear to Baekhyun yet, it definitely is now that you’ve started sobbing in the back of Chanyeol’s car.  

“Oh no.” Baekhyun gasps. 

Chanyeol gives him a pleading look and Baekhyun is hurriedly by your side in the backseat, wrapping an arm around you so you could cry on his chest.  

“Did he break up with you? Who was it again? Do you want us to take care of it?” Baekhyun threatens in the softest voice imaginable. If you didn’t listen to the words, you’d think he was simply comforting you. 

“It’s not even worth it.” You say in hiccups. You straighten yourself out and move away from his chest. Although it feels nice to be held like this, they’re not the arms you want to be wrapped in. 

“Give us his name, Y/N.” Chanyeol chimes in. “We’ll just talk to him.” 

You wince – finding it a lot more threatening coming from your brother’s mouth. You all knew what ‘taking care’ and a ‘talk’ meant to guys like Chanyeol and Baekhyun. The first time you ever told them you were being bullied was when you were 7 and they were 8. You were only venting. You didn’t expect them to do anything about it. Chanyeol and Baekhyun have never hurt anyone prior. They can’t even kill spiders without screaming. 

They had your classmate in a chokehold, turning purple in front of you, the very next day. You vowed to keep quiet from then on, realizing how insane your brother and pseudo-brother were.  

It didn’t stop them from finding out about Jiho though. 

You didn’t approve of it. You never told them about Jiho’s sudden cold behaviour towards you. They found it weird that you were ordering your parts online instead of in person and went to ‘talk’ to Jiho. 

Jiho didn’t come to school for a week after that. 

“No. Really, I’ll be fine. It was just a bad date.” You downplay your hurt, wiping the tears with the back of your hand. “Thank you again for picking me up.” 

-------- 

Chanyeol is extra careful with you these days. He doesn’t pry as much ever since that night. 

So it’s weird when he lingers at your door.  

He checks on you while you’re studying, entering your room nonchalantly with a protein shake. He shakes it obnoxiously, to your annoyance, and checks himself out in your mirror. You don’t understand why he does this. He has his own mirror. 

“I’m trying to study.” You tell him with a flat tone. “Go be annoying elsewhere.” 

He doesn’t say anything, choosing to plop on your bed instead. He shakes his shake one more time. You sigh. 

“What? Run out of snappy comebacks?”  

He has your attention now. He wants something and he wasn’t going to leave until he got it. 

“Nah, it’s not fun when you’re moody.” He says with a sarcastic smile. “So... I learned something new the other day.” 

“What did you learn?” You indulge in what he has to say, fully turning your chair in his direction. You spin your pen, bored.  

“Kyungsoo... Remember him? Used to date the cheerleaders? Hangs out with that Jiho kid?” 

Your pen falls to the ground. 

Chanyeol watches it fall from your hold and raises an eyebrow.  

“He asked to hang out. Thought it was a bit weird considering we haven’t hung out in the past year. But then he mentioned you.” Chanyeol continues, tone becoming serious and almost scary. And he knows you understand where he’s getting at.  

Your blood runs cold. Kyungsoo’s an idiot. 

“Don’t.” You warn him, heart racing.  

“I’m meeting him in,” He checks his watch. “15 minutes. At the park.” 

“Chanyeol, please. It’s really not worth it.” You plead. You get flashbacks to that kid turning pale and shudder. 

“We’re just going to talk. We’re friends remember? I’m just gonna find out what he wants.” He shrugs and chugs his drink like he’s not threatening to snap his neck. “And then I’ll judge if it’s worth it.” 

He gets up from your bed and pats your head patronizingly.  

“Don’t worry. I know how much you like him. I’ll be nice.”  

You swallow the lump in your throat. Fuck.  

You’re stuck in your chair, unable to move from shock. Did you have to warn Kyungsoo? You groan, you really didn’t want to talk to him. Why did he have to be so stupid? He knows what Chanyeol’s capable of. 

Really, this was his own fault. What did he think would come out of this? You weren’t going to text him. He dug his own grave.  

You pick up your pen and return to your studies. You won’t get involved. 

You read the sentence over and over, even taking your glasses off to focus. Your poor pen was being chewed up to bits with how stressed you were being over this. Damn you Kyungsoo. 

You quickly get up from your seat and run off to the park.  

By the time you got there, Chanyeol was already long gone and you almost sigh in relief thinking that he didn’t go through with it. You’re about to leave when you see a familiar back slumped over the water fountain. Your heart softens at the sight of Kyungsoo scooping water and washing his face. 

You suck on your bottom lip, gathering the courage to walk away. He isn’t as bad as you thought he would be. You should walk away.  

Seeing him wince at the cool water makes you weak and before you knew it, you were at his side.  

You don’t look at him right away, focusing on wetting your sleeve with the running cold water. Your eyes drift to a scratch on his knuckles. You can feel his stare on you - strong and heavy. Your eyes sting knowing that he’s watching you.  

Once soaked, you finally look up and your heart breaks at the sight of his face. He was looking at you with a warm expression and a solemn smile on his lips. You felt your lips shiver as you apply your wet sleeve on the scrape at the side of his face. Kyungsoo leans into your touch and shakily places a hand on yours.  

“Y/N, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” Kyungsoo’s voice was low and apologetic. You can’t bring yourself to believe him. “It was a stupid bet that I forgot about. I fucked up. None of it was fake to me.”  

Your watery eyes flicker to his. You watch them soften under your touch. Your heart can’t stand icing him out. 

“Why’d you call Chanyeol? Are you an idiot?” 

Kyungsoo smiles sadly, “You blocked my number. I needed to talk to you.” 

You frown, taking your hand away from his face.  

“You knew I’d come here?” You ask, feeling betrayed yet again. Kyungsoo reaches to hold your hand again, but you pull it back instantly. “I should have never come here. All you know how to do is manipulate me.” 

“No- That’s not what I-” 

Kyungsoo is about to defend himself, but you cut him off. 

“I was doing fine without you. Do you know how stupid I feel because of you? I thought you lik- I thought you were my friend. And- and- now you call my brother and pull this act? To what? To get me to pity you? What you did was fucked up, Kyungsoo. I was fine without you!” Your tears fall somewhat endlessly across your cheeks. Your hands are shaking in anger, sadness, frustration when Kyungsoo wraps his arms around you.  

You hate this. You hate that your body melts in his hug. You hate that he was the one to break your heart and the only one to be able to mend it. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He whispers into your hair, holding you so close and clinging onto you for as long as you’ll let him as you sob in his chest. 

“Tell me how to fix this. I’ll fix it. Please, Y/N. I’ll fix it.” He pleads, holding the side of your face gently. You shake your head, unable to talk for yourself. “I’ll fix it, Y/N.” He pleads, repeating that sentence like a broken record. 

“I don’t trust you, Kyungsoo. You really hurt me. I can’t trust you.” You struggle to say, throat aching from crying. 

“Then let me build that trust again. Let me prove it to you, please.” He wipes the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs. “I’ll fix it.” 

You let him hold you a little longer as you shake your head in his grasp. How could you trust that any of this was real? How could you trust him again? 

-------- 

Despite rejecting him at the park, Kyungsoo is still making it extremely difficult to avoid him. You caught him sitting in your spot before class one day, away from his friends. He had two cups of coffee, leg shaking anxiously. You found a seat in the back, near the exit. You thought it would be enough to hide from him.  

The minute the professor started the course. Kyungsoo looked back towards the door and found you staring down at him. It took everything in you to look away and focus on the professor and your laptop. You took your notes as well as possible, but it was hard when you felt the weight of Kyungsoo’s stare on you.  

As soon as the class was done, you bolted out of the lecture hall.  

You meant it when you said you didn’t want to see him anymore. You knew it was unrealistic, taking the same course and all, but if you could just get through this semester, you would be okay. You convinced yourself you would be. 

It was even hard to study in the library now. You were afraid that he’d come find you at any given moment, even though you had found yourself a spot in a hidden corner. He has proven to be persistent. It was only a matter of time til he tried to find you here. 

You throw your head back and sigh, closing your book. You’ll just head home and hope your family wasn’t home to make any distracting noise. It was getting late anyways. 

Unfortunately, the one time you desperately needed the house to be empty, you found that your parents had just gotten home from their business trip and Chanyeol was doing god knows what in his room by the loud screaming he was making. Your mom squeals in excitement at the sight of you. She hugs you tightly. 

“I missed you my lil batgirl.” She squeezes your cheeks like you’re still a little girl. You rarely saw your parents but when you did, you swear you didn’t grow in their eyes. You’re still their youngest daughter who isn’t studying to be an astrophysicist, but the little girl who wanted to grow up to be Barbara Gordon. “Speaking of batgirl, a gentleman dropped these off for you.” 

Your mom lets you go, excited to show you what was delivered. You wince when you see the same yellow bouquet he got you on your first date. You had dumped the first one onto the compost pile, letting it rot for the plants.  

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone, Y/N! He must really like you if he’s getting you Batman themed bouquets. This is so exciting. Tell me everything. Did you go on a date yet?” She means well. It’s not her fault that she and dad had to work all the time. It’s not like they’ll be home any longer than a couple weeks before they have to go off again. Kyungsoo will probably move on to the next too. You didn’t want them to worry. 

So you lie to her.  

Kind of. 

“Yeah, he’s a guy from my astronomy class.” You tell her, giving her a small smile to make it believable. Your mom gasps at the sound of you finally having a man in your life. 

“Oh, I’m so glad! Where did he bring you? What did you guys do?” She grabs a vase and fills it with water, anticipating your response.  

“Um, he brought me to brunch.” You realize instantly how hard it is to fake it. Your mom notices the falter in your voice almost immediately - her face scowling at the sound. “And then he, um,” You take a deep breath when you feel your eyes sting. She lets you finish. “brought me to a thrift store and,” tears start falling from your eyes again. She comes to your side and sits you down at the dining table.  

“Did something happen?” She transforms into a parent in an instant. “Was it a bad date?” 

“No, it was perfect!” You cry out, covering your face in your hands. “He got me a vintage comic book even though he found it first and he got me flowers! Just like those! Even opened and closed the doors. He was the perfect gentleman.”  

“Then what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” She moves your hands down so she could look at you, her daughter who has never ever cried to her mom this much.  

“He did all of it because of a bet.” Your lips turn upside down into a pout. Your mother’s face mirrors yours and pulls you in for a hug. She doesn’t say anything. Her warmth is enough for you. “Gosh, I feel like I’ve been crying so much lately.” 

“It just felt so real. I thought he was actually interested.” You scoff, laughing at yourself yet again at how ridiculous you were to believe him. “I feel so stupid.” 

“You’re not stupid. Don’t talk about yourself like that. He seemed very apologetic at the door.” Your mom finally speaks. “Have you talked to him?” 

“A bit. Chanyeol punched him and I went to see him.” You fold your lips into your mouth after revealing your brother’s antics.  

“Chanyeol what? We’ll get back to that.” She shakes her head. “And then what happened?” 

“He kept saying he’ll fix it. But this doesn’t seem fixable to me, mommy. He lied to me.” You explain, pouting at her. Your mom places a warm hand on your cheek.  

“Why not? He says he wants to fix it.” She tucks your hair behind your ears and looks at you with compassionate eyes. Your mother was always the optimistic parent. She believed everything and anything was easily fixable. You were a lot like your dad who was the opposite. He believes some things should just be left alone. He says only someone like your mother would be able to fix anything with her passion. 

“How could I trust someone like that?” You ask, voice small. 

“You said it yourself. It didn’t feel fake. To be honest, he stayed a bit to ask about you. He seemed very genuine.” Of course, your mother wouldn’t understand that your pain was far too great to give him a second chance. “Life isn’t as black and white as you think, Y/N. There’s not always a right and wrong. Sometimes there is gray. And I believe this is the gray area. I know you don’t believe me but think about it. Bruce Wayne himself is a morally gray hero too, you know. You mean to tell me what he’s doing is ethical? He arrests these villains who commit heinous crimes, only for them to escape and do it over again. Doesn’t sound safe for Gotham, in my opinion.” 

She gets up and smiles. “Just think about it.” She moves towards the stairs, presumably to knock some sense into Chanyeol for your little slip. “Oh, and I think you’re right. He is a perfect gentleman.”  

-------- 

There were two more courses of ASTRO101 before the final. You could handle being late to classes for 2 more weeks. You try to open the heavy door as quietly as possible. You wince when the door shuts loudly, catching the attention of some students. Your eyes search for Kyungsoo’s but they’re not a part of the looming stares. 

You find the same empty spot in the back and squeeze through your peers. You mutter apologies before settling down in the awkward seats of the hall. 

“Y/N?” A guy in front of you turns and whispers your name.  

“Yeah?” You answer, heart racing again. Last time someone approached you, they were doing it for a bet. 

“This is for you. From Kyungsoo.” He grabs a cup of coffee and hands it to you.  

You frown. “Oh, you can keep that. I don’t drink coffee.”  

He freezes awkwardly, stuck in between accepting the offer and fulfilling his promise.  

“I think it’s hot chocolate.” He tries to persuade you to take the beverage from his hands.  

You feel bad that he would be stuck with a drink he didn’t want. And you do like hot chocolate. Albeit, you don’t know how hot it actually is, considering you’d deliberately shown up late. He never did anything wrong to you, neither did the hot chocolate. You shouldn’t punish them for Kyungsoo’s wrongdoing. 

“Ok.” You grab it with a polite smile. He nods thankfully, happy to get more space on the tiny arm desk. You take a sip and watch a light pink post it fall from the cup. 

unblock me please :) - dks 

You scoff quietly and stick it in your notebook. Not that you wanted to keep it. You were just going to throw it in the recycling bin, like a good samaritan. Though, you do have to turn the page to cover it when you catch yourself staring at it a few too many times. 

The professor prepares to end the lesson. You begin to pack your things and mentally prepare yourself to squeeze by the same people you bothered at the beginning. You mutter quick apologies, holding your bag close to you as not to hit anyone. 

Like some cliché, you open the door to reveal Kyungsoo waiting for you on the other side, leaning against a wall with a plastic bag and phone in his hand. He doesn’t realize you’ve come out the door. Not with the way he keeps his eyes on his phone.  

You frown and move as swiftly as you can.  

The rush of wind catches Kyungsoo’s attention. And it’s too late for you to speed before he’s already by your side.  

“Can you slow down a bit? Please?” He has the audacity to ask.  

“No.” You try to walk faster but you fail. Kyungsoo was the jock after all. 

“I got you ice cream.” He waves the plastic bag your way.  

You finally stop walking and look at him, his expression hopeful. You grab the notebook from your backpack and take the sticky note out. 

“I don’t want it, Kyungsoo.” You push the plastic bag into his chest along with the tiny pink paper. “The flowers, the hot chocolate, the note, the ice cream. I don’t want any of it. Don’t you understand? You didn’t just hurt my feelings. You deliberately lied to me to win a bet and crushed me. This- Material crap won’t make any of my insecurities go away. I’m not going to immediately start trusting you again after I taste something sweet.” 

Kyungsoo reaches out to you, but you flinch and take a step back. You put a hand out to stop him from getting any closer. 

“I hate that I let you into my life. I hate that you made me like you. I hate that I can’t even fully hate you for doing this.” 

It’s embarrassing yelling at him like this in front of so many people. It’s even more humiliating realizing that you’ve been shedding tears. 

“So please, if even an ounce of it was real to you, like you said it was, please understand that this isn’t something you can easily fix with gifts or an apology. I need you to leave me alone.”  

“Y/N, I-” He tries again, his eyes becoming watery too. His hand twitches as if he’s trying to stop himself from reaching out to you. You can’t even tell if he’s still playing the game. It all feels so real. But you’re not sure anymore. 

“Kyungsoo, please.” You shake your head, lips quivering and cheeks wet. Kyungsoo stands there awkwardly as you plead in front of an audience of judging students’ eyes.  

That’s when he takes an assertive step towards you. 

You let him take your hand as he puts the bag in your hold. It’s warm and makes your heart calm down just a bit. It’s nice, even for just a second, to have him hold you like this.  

“Take this, at least, and I promise I’ll leave you alone after this.” His voice is shaky.  

You stare at his hand in yours for a second too long. He’s smiling at you despite his eyes telling – no, screaming at you that he was not okay with leaving you alone. Not at all.  

Your heart breaks a bit more than it already has. You lower your hand with the ice cream and Kyungsoo finally lets you go. You swallow nervously and walk away from him. 

You wanted to believe that there was gray - that what he did could be forgiven. But your heart was far too weak and would simply not allow it. All you wanted to do was close yourself off, return to who you were before Kyungsoo. 

And you couldn’t do that if he was there every single day, reminding you why you fell for him in the first place. 

-------- 

“Um,” Chanyeol interrupts your sulking on the bed. Your face first in your black sheets so when you look up at him, it’s hard to see where you cried. “Me and Baek are going out. Did you want to join us?” 

“Not really.” You plop your face back into the pillow.  

You had originally been studying for your finals, but evidently, could not focus. 

“Come on. Let’s do something. We’ll go wherever you want.” Baekhyun’s voice is loud and bright. Most importantly, convincing. Hanging out with Baekhyun does sound fun. You peek from your pillow to find Baekhyun’s beaming smile. He gives you that knowing look that gets you smiling within seconds.   

“Can I drive?” You ask, voice muffled from the pillow. 

“No way!” 

“Absolutely!” 

Baekhyun smiles as he hits Chanyeol. “This is the perfect time to teach her stick!” He exclaims as both you and Chanyeol wince for different reasons. Chanyeol is nervous about his car while you get reminded of your driving lessons with Kyungsoo. 

“I’ve been learning.” You mutter, glancing at Chanyeol for a reaction. He doesn’t look impressed, rolling his eyes, but nudging his head towards the door. His cool way of telling you “yeah okay”.  

Baekhyun, on the other hand, is ecstatic for you. He doesn’t have a manual but he knows Chanyeol and he knows what a big deal this is for you. Baekhyun himself has only driven it a handful of times. He excitingly waves for you to come quickly, despite not being dressed.  

“We’re not going anywhere crazy.” Chanyeol says, wanting to leave the house right away. 

As promised, your brothers let you take them to wherever you want to go. Wherever you want turns out to be a board game pub in the city you’ve always wanted to visit but could never find anyone to go with. 

“You’re so annoying.” You complain when Chanyeol builds yet another road to block yours, giving him the longest road award.  

“And you’re a sore loser.” Chanyeol sticks his tongue out as he steals the road card with your 2 points. You roll your eyes and turn to Baekhyun. 

“Please tell me you have 2 secret points in your cards.” Your eyes are pleading. If anyone could humble Chanyeol, it’s Baekhyun. His best friend only smiles and shrugs, not giving away anything.  

You roll the dice and laugh pitifully when you roll a 7. Normally, you’d steal from Chanyeol but he just used all his resources to build that massive wall of a road.  

“Sorry.” You apologize to Baekhyun who can only smile.  

“It’s just a game.” He says as you pull a sheep from him.  

“I guess I’ll pull a development card.” You exchange the cards for a special one. You groan when you see another knight card.  

“Are you done?” Chanyeol smiles teasingly. 

“Yes, I’m done, Chanyeol.” You say, bored. 

“Okay, I’m going to build 2 roads with my development card. Build a settlement. And I win.” Baekhyun talks you through his winning hand. He steals the road card and reveals the 2 secret victory points. You immediately start laughing at Chanyeol’s face of disbelief. Only Baekhyun is capable of defeating Chanyeol. And oh, did that make you happy. 

“I love this game.” You exclaim as you start cleaning up the board game. “Did you guys want to play a different game?” 

“Whatever you like, Y/N. We really just wanted to hang out with you.” Baekhyun says for the both of them. It warms your heart that you had brothers like them to come cheer you up like this. You and Chanyeol butt heads most times, but when it counts. He’s there.  

“Want another drink?” Chanyeol asks, already over being the loser. You nod, about to get up to join him and maybe look for a different game to play. Baekhyun gently grabs onto your wrist. You turn back, confused. 

“I was just gonna find a game.” You tell him, pointing in the direction of the shelf. 

“I know. Sit for a sec. I wanna talk to you.” His smile is always so bright and comforting. You forget he holds a black belt in hapkido and has beaten people’s asses before. You return to your seat. 

You’re not really sure where Baekhyun is going with this. Your relationship was more of an extended brother, one that would make you crouch so he could practice his jumps. There were never deep-talks at night. Chanyeol and Baekhyun kind of left you alone when you were feeling down. They would ask to hang out to get you smiling again. They would give consequences to those who put you down. 

Talking. Talking is new. 

“I wanted to ask how you were doing. Chanyeol told me what he did, but other than that. I don’t really know how you’re doing. Clearly, not great.” Baekhyun jokes as the image of you plopped face down on your bed flashes into his mind.  

“I’m ok. I told him to leave me alone yesterday.” You purse your lips, doing your best not to pout. Baekhyun leans back, taking a sip of his drink. “And I don’t know. It’s sad. I’m sad. He says he likes me but what if he’s still trying to win the bet. I don’t know. I feel like I should feel lucky that Kyungsoo even ‘wants’ to date someone like me, just accept his apology and ignore this all happened. But I can’t. It’s weird. I feel so weird.” 

“’S not weird. It was a really shitty thing to do.” He replies, scoffing to himself at how insane this situation is. “You still like him?” 

“Unfortunately.” You sigh, not needing another reminder. It was so easy to fall for him. 

“Then wait til after the semester’s over. See if he’s still interested after.” Baekhyun leans closer to the table and places the glass on the coaster. “I promise a guy who actually likes you would not leave you alone that easily.” 

“I guess.” You shrug, leaning back against your chair.  

You don’t think you have it in you to actually wait 2 weeks for Kyungsoo. You’ll try to move on in the meantime, but there was no harm in seeing if Baekhyun was right. 

-------- 

You don’t know what you were expecting. 

Kyungsoo actually leaving you alone did not surprise you, but you would be lying if you said you weren’t a tiny bit disappointed. You did tell him to leave you alone after all. Who were you to be upset that he respected your wishes?  

Finals pass in a blur and so did your feelings for Kyungsoo. 

It helped that you didn’t see Kyungsoo or his friends this past month, not once. You couldn’t find them in the lecture hall. You scanned every seat for them, and not a single one had Kyungsoo in it. He didn’t surprise you after class with ice cream. 

Kyungsoo listened. And you finally felt at peace knowing that you could truly move on. 

Now you knew, Kyungsoo was never really serious about his feelings for you. Now you knew, he was just a liar that would have done anything to win a bet.  

To congratulate yourself for getting this far, you take yourself out for a self-love date. It doesn’t take long for you to stumble across the thrift store where Kyungsoo found the Spider-Man comic.  

You haven’t been since Kyungsoo. You’ve been aching to go since finals ended, but you didn’t have the courage to go til now.  

You beeline to the mountains of comics and take a deep breath, eyes shining at the marvel in front of you. You started at one corner, crouching down and flipping through the frail books.  

Before you knew it, a pile was growing at your side. Every single time you’d find something interesting, you’d put it aside. You didn’t even care to check for the value on some of them. Today was for you. You didn’t want to think about anything else, just superheroes. 

The bell to the front door barely breaks your focus. Not many people have been coming in here today. You don’t pay them any attention. 

“I’ll be right with you. I’ll just grab them in the back.” The store clerk says in a giddy tone.  

Flip ‘Burn Nightwing Burn!’ You add it to the pile. 

Flip ‘Gotham City Sirens’ Hmm, it’s a pretty cover, you think. You add it to the pile. 

“Thank you so much for your help.”  

You freeze at the unmistakably familiar voice. You crouch even more than you were, attempting to hide. There was no way he knew you were here right now. You shake your head. He hasn’t reached out in a month. He doesn’t like you. You’re over that. You try to remind yourself of the efforts you’ve made and how far you’ve come. You return to what you came here for.  

Flip ‘War of the Worlds’ Maybe you’ll pass on these for today. 

Flip - 

“It’s no worries. You can always go through me if you need to grade anymore. My friend works there so you don’t need to drown in all those fees. Alright?” The clerk says. Grade? What could Kyungsoo be possibly be grading? 

Your body straightens as your curiosity rises. Your neck stretches as you try and take a peek at what Kyungsoo bought. You purse your lips when all you see is a box in his arms. Without thinking, your legs follow him out the store, leaving the poor pile of comics on the dusty carpet. 

You don’t even know what the plan was. Were you just going to follow him until he turns around and shows you what he got? You didn’t plan on confronting him at all. You never even planned on meeting him at all! 

It was supposed to be: get through ASTRO101 and never see him again.  

Not get through ASTRO101 and follow him out of the thrift store. 

You don’t realize how insane you are until he’s getting into his car, and you stealthily hide in an alleyway, away from his mirrors. You know you’ve completely lost it when you haul a cab soon after and ask him to follow Kyungsoo’s car.  

You’ve gone crazy. That must be it. You’ve truly lost your mind. Because there was no way you were making a taxi follow Kyungsoo out of curiosity. It had to be because you were becoming clinically insane.  

This must be how Harley Quinn felt following The Joker. Maybe Kyungsoo was your villain origin story. 

You shake your head, no, you don’t like him anymore. 

You reach for your wallet and pay the driver when he parks the car to the side and waits for you to quit daydreaming. 

“Sorry.” You apologize timidly, embarrassed by all of this. Kyungsoo was already out of the car and walking up the stairs to an apartment you assume is his. “You can keep the change.”  

You stumble out of the backseat and watch him from below. Your heart races seeing him again. He’s wearing a baseball cap, a white shirt and some cargo pants. It’s so effortless, and yet so cool. You hesitate to go up. You’ve come this far. How could you stop now? 

Kyungsoo struggles to open the door with the box in his arm. He turns around and sets it on the floor, catching your curious stare. Busted. You gulp when you think you catch a glimpse of his eyes lighting up at the sight of you. 

Your mood sinks when his eyes shift elsewhere. He turns around and unlocks his door instead of acknowledging you. He quickly grabs the box and shuts the door, leaving you agape at the bottom of the stairs. 

It was unbelievable. He saw you. He definitely did. 

You know you begged him to leave you alone, but a quick wave would have been polite, at the very least. 

Your legs irrationally bring you up the stairs. You don’t even know what you’ll say to him. All you know is that you’re upset he’d ignore you like that. 

You knock on the door. 

He opens it, surprised. Not sure why he’s so surprised, he literally saw you. 

“Y/N... Hi.” He says awkwardly. 

“Yeah hi. I get that I said to leave me alone. But why would you ignore me like that? You clearly saw me!” You frown. You don’t think you’re yelling, but the way he looks behind him at the other door makes you think you’re being a tad bit loud.  

“Come inside. My neighbours will hear you.” He gently places a hand on your arm to get you to come in. You eye the box, still in his hand. You shut the door as he takes off his shoes. You follow, biting your lip nervously. You’ve never been to Kyungsoo’s place before.  

You’re right behind him as you climb up more stairs to his place. It’s small, perfect for one person. There’s a living room as soon as you reach the top and the bedroom is right next to it. Your eyes scan to the right to find an office space and some recording equipment. His place is minimal. Not heavily decorated.  

It makes the sole box on the floor seem out of place.  

“So, you came all this way to yell at me for following orders?” He places the box over the other and crosses his arms, lips dying to curve as he teases you. 

“T-They weren’t orders.” You stutter, finding his stance a bit too belittling. “I just think it’s rude that you didn’t even give me a smile back there. You saw me.” 

He tilts his head to the side with a sly lift of his lips.  

“You wanted to see me smile?” He was enjoying this and you just wanted to go back to the thrift store to bury yourself under the mountains of comics.  

“No, wait, that’s not what I meant. I just- You were really rude!” You try to explain. You came marching to him with confidence, and here he was, deteriorating all your efforts with a single smile.  

He approaches you, backing you into the stairs with nowhere else to go, except down.  

“What’re you even doing here? This is far from your place.” He raises an eyebrow curiously.  

“I... was at the thrift store.” You say, feeling caught. 

“I was just there.” Kyungsoo says surprisingly. “It’s a coincidence that you’d walk right by my place as soon as I got home. Did you get anything cool?”  

He glances at your empty hands. He smirks and takes it upon himself to peek in your tote bag, using a single finger to open the bag a little wider for him. He turns to look at you knowingly. There was not a single comic book in there, just a water bottle and your Batman wallet. “Couldn’t find anything?” 

“N-No.” You gulp, his face inches away from yours. His plush lips were right there. It was taking everything in you not to glance at them. 

“Did you follow me, Y/N?” He asks, towering over you. You were well under his hat - heels centimeters away from falling off his stairs. He was so close to you. There was no way out. 

But you couldn’t help it. You didn’t want out. Not with the way he was looking at you. 

You stand on your tiptoes and kiss him, tote bag falling off your shoulder and down the top step. Without hesitation, Kyungsoo places a hand on your lower back and pulls you in closer. His hat bumps into your glasses. Kyungsoo quickly removes it, throwing it on the sofa, before hurriedly returning to your lips.  

“It was killing me. Not seeing you anymore.” He admits through breaths. “I really missed you. Did you?” 

His eyes search yours for a sign that you did miss him too. 

Despite convincing yourself that you moved on, you really haven’t, did you?  

“A bit.” 

Kyungsoo’s face beams upon hearing your words. He grabs your face and kisses you enthusiastically.  

“I’m really sorry again for everything. I didn’t mean to hurt you. None of it was fake-”  

You frown and cut him off with a kiss, walking him into the couch. He trips and falls onto the cushion, taken aback.  

“I was apologizing.” Kyungsoo blinks in disbelief. He doesn’t seem to mind that much by the way he’s rubbing your denim covered thighs.  

“I know. You didn’t change your speech.” You try and suppress the smile growing on your face. 

“It’s not a speech! I really feel that way. Yes, I approached you for the wrong reasons, but the bet went out the window the moment I got to know you and spend time with you. Teaching you to drive, getting ice cream, ‘studying’ with you. I didn’t care what we did. I just wanted to spend all of my time with you. How can I make you see that?” Kyungsoo doesn’t stop massaging your side. His eyes are begging you to hear him.  

You sigh, tired of all this.  

Your heart was exhausted, listening to Kyungsoo, falling for Kyungsoo, beating for Kyungsoo. He made you feel so seen and wanted. Your heart was tired of the never-ending loop of should you or shouldn’t you, wanting to find a way to convince that stubborn mind of yours. 

“I think I’m tired of pretending I’m not able to forgive you.” You say lowly. Kyungsoo darts his eyes to your pair expectingly. 

“You forgive me?” He’s looking up at you, unable to hide the stupid grin on his face.  

“That’s not what I said.” You scoff, returning a small smile. You push your glasses that have fallen a bit lower from the bridge of your nose because of how long you’ve been looking down at Kyungsoo. 

His grip suddenly tightens around your thigh, not too tight that it hurts, but enough for you to know you did something to trigger him. You gulp when he tugs you a bit closer so you were standing in between his legs. 

“Then what did you mean?” He questions you, stupid grin still visible. It looks like you didn’t upset him. His hands were rubbing your lower back, mindlessly massaging you for an answer. Your mind can’t think when he’s biting his bottom lip and staring up at you so cunningly. “What can I do to make you forgive me? Hm?” 

“Can you stop that?” You force his smile down in annoyance with two fingers, making his lips frown like some reverse Joker. “It’s making me nervous.” 

You can’t lie though. Being like this with Kyungsoo felt like a dream. You, yourself, could not stop the grin growing on your face.  

“It’s hard to forgive you.” You sound like a broken record. You think this conversation isn’t going anywhere, just like the last two talks you had with him. 

“Then why did you come here? What do you want from me?” You don’t stop him from rubbing your thighs comfortingly. He doesn’t ask with malice or hurt in his voice. He asks with a complaisant tone. 

So you say the one thing your heart’s been begging you to confess. 

“I really just want you right now.” It comes out breathier than you intend, not realizing how long you’ve been holding your breath for. Kyungsoo’s smile grows under you. 

“Then have me.” 

You feel a knot growing in your stomach as you watch his warm gaze scan you. He has your whole body heating up on his lap. 

Like a moth to a flame, you lean down to press your lips softly against his. His hands shoot up to encompass your body, running up and down your back. 

This didn’t feel real.  

Kyungsoo smiles between kisses. His tongue dances with yours, making that knot grow especially heavier. It makes you suddenly aware of how experienced Kyungsoo is and how inept you are. 

“I don’t know what to do.” You admit between breaths, resting a hand on his chest. His heart’s racing in the palm of your hand. The privilege of feeling the warm beat of his heart is taken away when he takes a hold of your fingers and brings it to his lips, kissing your palm sweetly.  

“I’ll show you.” He says lowly near your ear as he shifts under you. You feel your chest get heavier and you take a deep breath to ease the nerves. Kyungsoo sees this and pauses. 

“We can stop. I’m happy just being here with you.” 

“No, I want to.” You fold your lips into your mouth, trying to hide how shy you are feeling right now. You play with your hair cluelessly, tucking them behind your ear.  

“I’ve wanted this for a long time.” You confess, avoiding his gaze, still shy.  

“Me too.” Kyungsoo chases after your eyes with a smile. He’s looking at you the same way he did before he became the man who played you for a bet. And for now, that’s all you want to remember him by.  

“Take these off.” He unbuttons your jeans for you and plays with the waistline until you shimmy it off, leaving you in your underwear. Kyungsoo is unable to hide his smirk when he sees the little yellow bat logo. He rubs your side, looking up at you and making that knot grow inside of you.  

“You’re so pretty, Y/N.” He says before placing a kiss on your inner thigh. You feel your heat pulse when he runs two fingers across your folds. “So warm.” 

“Put your leg up for me?” He asks but he’s already moving you the way he wants you to, lifting your inner thigh so that your knee was near his head. You don’t know what to expect, letting him take control of everything. You gasp and grab a hold of his shoulder when he pulls your underwear to the side and laps his tongue on your slit.  

“Kyungsoo.” You moan when he brings his face closer to your opening, letting his mouth devour you – sucking and licking you with intensity. Your grip on him tightens, feeling bad that you might be hurting him. You do your best not to hold him too strongly, eyes shutting tightly to compensate. When you thought you wouldn’t be able to handle anymore, he slides a finger inside, slowly fucking you. 

“Look at me.” He finally comes up for air. “’s it feel good?”  

You nod, using the back of your hand to stifle your moan when he adds a second finger. 

“D’you like it?” He tries angling his fingers different ways until he finds the reaction he’s looking for. And when he gets it, the back of your hand isn’t enough to cover that moan.  

“Kyungsoo!” You call out his name, unconsciously pushing him away from the overstimulation. He’s stronger than you are though, keeping himself steady as you lose it above him. He continues to hit that spot in you as he devours your cunt with his tongue.  

“You’re not looking. I want to remember the first time I make you cum.” His other hand grabs onto yours and places it on his other shoulder – still fucking you with his fingers by the way. 

“Just squeeze here. You won’t hurt me.” He tells you before returning his mouth on your body. His eyes are looking up at you, compelling you to hold the eye contact. You can feel him smile as he continues eat you like it’s the last meal he’ll ever get.  

Your glasses slide down your nose once again and you almost push them up until Kyungsoo goes faster, sucking and slurping your juices. Your grip tightens on his shoulder and you feel your glasses fall even further.  

“Don’t.” Kyungsoo warns when you try to push them back. “The glasses don’t move.” 

You immediately come undone, body shaking as Kyungsoo’s fingers fuck you through your orgasm. Your heavy breathing as Kyungsoo takes his fingers out and shows you how wet you got, spreading his fingers to create a web of your juices.  

“Well, how was that?” 

You can’t help but laugh. You straddle him on the couch and tackle his lips. 

“So good.” You smile and finally, push your glasses up.  

“Good enough to forgive me?” He tucks a hair behind your ear, eyes shining as he scans your face, glowing in sweat. 

“Mhmmm.” You feign thinking. 

“Oh, that’s not a good response. Let me try again.”  

“Kyungsoo!” You squeal when he flips you on your back and situates his head at your entrance again. 

“Gonna make you cum til you forgive me.” 

-------- 

You stay over at Kyungsoo’s, unable to move too much with the throbbing pain between your legs. Kyungsoo hands you a mug with hot chocolate and joins you on the couch, spreading a blanket across you two.  

“Is this really your favourite Batman?” Kyungsoo turns to you with a questioning look.  

“I know it’s not the coolest, but it reminds me of my childhood. We had the VHS and we would always watch it.” You take a sip of the hot drink before setting it down and resting your head on his shoulder. Snuggling Kyungsoo was a lot warmer. He kisses the top of your head and pulls you in closer. 

“Kyungsoo,” You say, tone serious. “Were you really gonna leave me alone?” 

He looks down to find you already staring up at him.  

“You asked me to.” 

“I know... But-” 

“It’s what you wanted. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I did.” He continues, cutting you off. “I like you, Y/N. A lot. I don’t want you out of my life, ever, but if letting you go meant you’ll see how much I respect and care for you, then it would have been worth it. I hope I can spend every second together proving that my intentions are true.” 

You place a hand on his jaw and reach for his lips, kissing him. 

“I really thought you’d keep bugging me. I’m glad you didn’t.” You laugh, turning back to watch the movie. 

“And I’m glad you followed me from the comic book store.”  

You freeze and slowly turn to him instead. 

“I didn’t follow you!” You deny, deny, deny until you feel the blood rush to your cheeks in embarrassment. 

“Yes you did! I saw you get out of that cab!” He laughs at you, squeezing your cheek teasingly. 

“I just- What did you have graded?? I didn’t even know they did that there.” You pout. 

“Wow, you really did stalk me.” He scoffs, shaking his head disapprovingly.  

“I did not!” You shout. “What’s in the box?”  

Kyungsoo gulps. You look at him suspiciously, then to the box on the floor. 

You quickly get up from the couch, the aching now forgotten from your adrenaline rush, and run to grab the box. You open it and find multiple graded comic books. Not just any. All Batman themed. Some of them weren’t even valuable but he got them graded anyways. 

Were these for you? 

“Ok, you caught me.” He says, towering over you. “I wanted to build this massive collection for you after our first date to try and win you back but then you told me off and that plan went out the window.” 

“You’re welcome to have them if you’re still interested. I was going to sell them if you threw them in my face or something.” Kyungsoo laughs, rubbing the back of his neck.  

“This must have cost a lot...” You scan through the comics in awe. You tear up thinking about him scanning through the dusty piles of comic books, picking ones he thought you’d like then paying to have them graded. If you didn’t forgive him before, you certainly did now.  

You drop the box and wrap your arms around him tightly.  

“You like me.” You mutter in his chest to yourself, finally feeling convinced. 

“I do. I really, really do.” Kyungsoo smiles, pulling you close and kissing the top of your head. 

First thing I noticed the moment after you quietly stepped through the front door were the deepest dark circles I'd ever seen rimming your eyes.

Your eyes had always been beautiful. Big and bright, they usually shone with a mischievous spark of intelligence and expressivity. Many times I looked at you and wondered how it was me who became the actor when you seemed able to tell stories with your eyes. On the rarer occasion, your eyes also warned me of the times you slipped closer to your darker-than-reality inner world, that one you were able to scape from when you were barely older than a teenager, through sheer will, family support and a necessary dose of drugs to balance your neurotransmitters. But the longer we were together, the more fulfilled your professional life became, the better relationships you held with other people, the more you enjoyed your hobbies, the more seldom I got to see those hints of sadness barely concealed behind fake content smiles.

This time was not one of those rare times. This time, when I looked at you, I felt genuine fear for you.

This time, your eyes did not show sadness. They didn't even look tired. They were just...completely indifferent. They glossed over our living room and didn't even acknowledge my presence, although I had occupied my usual spot at the armchair for quite a few hours already. 

Greetings weren't exchanged either. 

I vaguely remembered last night's fight. Even though we used to pride ourselves in the fact that communication was easy for us, daily life, stress fuelled by our jobs and our inability to sometimes see each other as often as we wanted would put a strain on any relationship. But we always managed to solve those issues. They were never such a big deal for us. Or were they? 

As you carelessly dropped your oversized folder on top of the dining table, I remembered about the project you needed to hand in at the end of this week. 

"How did they like the design this time?" My question was aimed towards finding out what may have caused the icy expression in your eyes. You adored your job at the firm you and some colleagues had set up a few years after you finished your architecture studies. You never missed an opportunity to  ramble on and on about what was your life's passion project; even though most of the times I wasn't able to follow every explanation, I was always happy to listen. 

Not this time. You turned on your heels swiftly and walked into the kitchen, followed closely by Jackie, but leaving me behind with my unanswered question. 

Was it bad enough to deserve this silent treatment? 

I could hear you rummaging through the shelves and then I saw you making your way back to the living room, Jackie swiftly walking behind you. You always cradled Jackie for a little while before opening the can of delicious cat food that would go into her plate. You absolutely adored that little rescue cat and the feeling was mutual; a relationship I had never been able to partake in. But this time, you simply dumped the contents of the can into the bowl and gave the animal a absentmindedly pat on the head. You didn't even look at her. 

After that, you lied down across the sofa in the same clothes you'd gone to work in and pulled out your phone and headphones. That made me wonder where my own phone could be. I was always aware of my terrible memory even if there were more pressing issues at hand. Headphones were covering your ears just seconds after and I was left there, silently wondering what the hell was wrong. 

Maybe you'd had a truly awful day at work? Maybe you were overworked and needed to rest? Could you actually be that mad at me? I truly don't remember what I said, but whatever it was, I'm so sorry. 

As I got lost in my thoughts, Jackie had already finished her food and, after grooming herself a bit, she hopped onto the sofa and nestled herself up against your belly. That was the only moment I saw you react. You briefly glanced down from your screen to the cozy creature in your lap. But you didn't smile. You didn't pet her. But I got to see your eyes and there was no indifference in them no more. They were miserable. 

I was so scared, baby. I had never seen you so unresponsive and distressed in all our years together. From experience, I knew better than to try to touch you in some instances, so I went for the second best option. I got up and rushed down the hallway to our room, where I supposed I had left my phone. It was time to call your mother, your best friend, whoever was around you when you first had an outbreak. They would know what to do better than me.

I had barely started looking around when I heard the door bell ring. Then I heard it again, insistent. I stopped on my tracks and listened, expecting you to go get it, as you were closer. By the third time, the visitant had switched to knocking and I guessed you weren't able to hear it due to the headphones, so I turned around and rushed back to the front door. 

I peeked through the peephole and felt a rush of relief when I recognised your best friend. Bless her soul, she may actually have some sort of mental connection with you. 

"It's Sarah!" I shouted in your direction, getting no response back. Just before she knocked for a second time, I reached out for the door knob. The door didn't open. I stared at the door knob in confusion. It was the same piece of silver metal that had been attached to that door since we first got the apartment together years ago. The same familiar and innocuous whatnot I made use of every single day. Maybe it was stuck? 

Once again, I reached for it, although this time I was intently watching my right hand. 

My fingers. 

They went right through the knob. As if it wasn't actually there. As if it wasn't even corporeal. 

The impression made me fall down on my butt, but I didn't have time to process anything, as Sarah gave a final loud bang to the door and shouted. 

"I know you're there. You either open yourself or I'll call the police" 

The threat finally made you stand up and go open the door. From my position down on the floor, I could see how you were easily able to grab onto the doorknob to at last let her in. Being sort of your polar opposite on that regard, Sarah immediately latched on to your neck and you stoically responded by patting her back with one of your hands. As for me, I stared at my own hands in disbelief. 

What the fuck was going on!? Could I be dreaming? I tried pinching myself hard and I felt it hurt, but nothing else happened. I was freaking out and seeing both of you in front of me behave in such a mellow way only increased my alarm. 

Of course, Sarah lead the way to the kitchen, pulling your arm and stepping right beside me as if I wasn't having a straight up meltdown down at the floor. Jackie had trotted behind you to the hall and was now looking straight at me with what seemed to me a full of disdain expression. At least someone recognised my presence. 

"When was the last time you ate?" Sarah's usually loud voice came booming from the kitchen. This question was odd enough to spark my interest, so I stood up and headed that way. 

"Yesterday," you responded in a monotone voice. 

Sarah, who had started stocking up plastic boxes full of already prepared food in the freezer, turned around to look at you with an eyebrow raised. 

"You sure about that?" 

"Yeah. Also, there's no point in that, I'm not even hungry," you answered again before turning around to occupy the spot you'd left at the couch. 

To be fair, she had filled the sad looking fridge with at least a week worth of meals for two. Was the fridge that empty last time I checked? 

"Baby, you can't be doing this to yourself."

"I'm not doing anything, OK?" you suddenly snapped back at her. I had never heard you speak to her in that tone. "I am fine and I will be fine. I just need you all to leave me the fuck alone!"

With that said, you went back to adjusting the headphones over your head and to rummaging through your phone. Sarah stared at you with a dispared look on her face.

"And you know that is definitely not healthy. I am done with this. I'm looking for a therapist and you're coming to an appointment on Monday."

"Do whatever the fuck you want. I am not telling you how to live your life." 

Sarah sighed and nodded in response.

"I can't even imagine what you're going through and how absolutely devastated you must be feeling right now. And I know it's barely been a month, but you can't let yourself slip this way, not with your records." 

A month since what? 

You shrugged her worry off. 

"I'm leaving. I will call you later. If anything, please, at least send me an emoji or something so I know you're okay."

You grunted at her before she kneeled down next to the sofa to press a soft kiss to your forehead. Then, she left the house without even glancing at my direction.

I had witnessed the whole scene from a corner of the room and I had grown in my bewilderment with every spoken word.

As soon as I heard the front door softly closing, I walked up to the sofa and circled it, so I was able to see what you were doing that had caused such disagreement. 

"KSoo <3" read the letters at the top of the easily recognizable screen of the chat service we used on a regular basis. As I approached you even closer, I could hear my own voice coming from your headphones. I remeber sending you that audio barely a week ago, when I asked you to make a quick run to the grocery store before coming back home, as I needed some more ingredients for that night's dinner. 

Your eyes were filled with silent tears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Second part: GUARDIAN II

MASTERLIST!?

Other Kyungsoo shizs

Everyday

Stories of my downfall  + Kai

Kyungsoo smiles as he brushes her hair back, her features small and gracious, lips plump like his and her thick, black hair fell in a messy curtain around her eyes. He laughed a little, at how delicate she was and how her small hands splayed across his arms as her face nuzzled the hard muscle of his chest. 

You smiled, the scene causing your heart to tighten in your chest as you stood in the doorway of your daughter’s room. 

“She misses you a lot…” Your voice was soft, not wanting to disturb her as she slept. 

“I know,” His voice was thick, a low sound that soothed you, a familiar sound that you craved to hear when your heart longed for him on quiet nights, “I miss her so much…” 

A sad smile tainted your lips as you walked over to the small bed, squeezing yourself onto the other side of your daughter, the small girl cuddled up between you both. 

“I’m glad your home,” You whispered it gently, letting the for now echo in the back of your mind as you left a small kiss to the back of her head. Kyungsoo’s hand reached out through the sheets to grab your own, interlocking your fingers and squeezing gently. 

“I miss you too…” His voice is soft, eyes meeting your own in the darkness, the orbs swirling with an intensity that you missed. 

“I know…” Your own eyes surveyed the military uniform your husband still wore, his arrival home only being a few hours ago and his departure being something that you knew would come quicker than you or your daughter would like. 

You both laid there, your hands interlocked and letting the small moment wash over you as your daughters small form laid asleep between you both. She reminded you of Kyungsoo a lot, her plush lips and bright eyes mimicking your husband’s, as well as the thick black hair that was always a struggle to tame - even her personality was similar, her eagerness to cook, her intelligence and shy, but refined attitude left you astounded sometimes. She was only 4, already on track to starting school and you could have sworn the years flew by. 

You supposed it was harder for Kyungsoo, having to go away on military business for 4 months at a time, yet he always made the effort to call and talk to both you and your daughter and despite his absences, he was still a better father and husband than you could have ever asked for.

He was the first to sit up, letting go of your hand to get off of the bed, leaving a small kiss on the crown of his daughter’s head and helping you up off of the other side. You felt him pull your body against his, his arms wrapping tight around you, holding you tightly, “Its the moments like these that I miss the most.” Kyungsoo’s voice was soft in your ear, pulling back gently to leave a small kiss on your lips. 

You smiled, your hand finding his once again to interlock your fingers, “I think I might miss your cooking more,” You teased. 

Kyungsoo chuckled, his lips finding their way to your own again and leaving a gentle kiss as he muttered for you to shut up. 

“I’m kidding,” You mumbled into his lips, “I miss the moments where its all of us the most, where we can just be a family.” 

Kyungsoo nodded, “But let’s not think about that… I’d rather have a shower and get out of this uniform.” 

Fuck this and fuck that and fuck him in particular. How was he supposed to cover that up?

And what was that Kai good in, anyway? Ruining cars and damaging public property?

Probably.

Kyungsoo sighs tiredly, taking off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. Those requests are getting harder and harder each time. If it was anyone else, they wouldn’t be able to handle them.

But luckily for them, it’s him. And he’s the best at what he does.

Kyungsoo puts his glasses back on, focusing on the paper files laying on his desk.

You may wonder how such a well-respected federal agent ended up covering for the most infamous drug cartel in Miami. The one owned by a certain Byun Baekhyun.

Well, let me take you a few years back.

.

.

Kyungsoo wasn’t very open as a child. Well, he’s not very open now too, but as a child, you’d have to get the words out of his mouth by force. That happens to a child when they lose their parents at a young age. Kyungsoo barely even remembers them, it was a car accident, for as long as he can remember. So he had spent most of his life living with his uncle, a respectable lawyer, who Kyungsoo deeply admired for his line of work.

But not as much as his brother Junmyeon did.

Yes, you read that right. Junmyeon and Kyungsoo are brothers.

And they were really close back then. Kyungsoo used to idolize his big brother, especially when Junmyeon stood up for him on every occasion. Junmyeon was everything Kyungsoo wasn’t. He was polite, open, inviting, brave and couldn’t stand injustice.

What an irony, huh? The brother that valued justice turned out to work for a drug cartel while the brother that couldn’t care less became a federal agent.

Although in the end, he too got caught in the crossfire. But let’s not rush things, shall we? Let’s take it from the beginning.

When Junmyeon was only sixteen, making Kyungsoo fourteen, the big brother took an interest in the line of work his uncle was involved. The glamour and the fulfillment that came with helping others blinded him that he failed to notice all the things that happened in the background. All the things his uncle was really taking care of. And when he realized, well… Let’s just say it was too late to walk out. It was like falling into quicksand. The more he tried to get out, the more he sank. After a while, he didn’t even want out and that’s when Kyungsoo’s image of him shuttered. If someone like Junmyeon turned out like this, what would become of him?

When Kyungsoo hit eighteen he left the house. Too hurt, too bitter to hear the pleadings of either Junmyeon or his uncle. He moved away to college while working multiple jobs to cope until he got his bachelor at Law Enforcement. He made sure to cut all ties with his remaining family, to prove that he could make something by himself. Not by the connections his uncle had and certainly not through intimidation from Junmyeon’s circle.

After he got his bachelor, he took the entrance exam to become a federal agent. And when he passed, the training began. It was brutal, intense and merciless. So time-consuming, he had to leave several aspects of his life behind. But his efforts weren’t in vain. He rose to be one of the youngest special agents to join the task force and one of the best.

Maybe even the best.

He managed to solve cases and trace criminals in half the time other agents did. He became the pride of the Criminal Investigative Division. Soon, trainees began looking up to him, wanting to be him while seniors respected him and trusted him.

And why shouldn’t they? He never gave them any reason to think he wasn’t to be trusted.

And truth be told Kyungsoo was always punctual with his work. He stayed after hours more often than not, took upon him more cases than anyone could handle and still his work was spotless, incomparable. He embodied an immaculate, peerless federal agent.

So that’s why, when the CID Assistant Director needed someone to monitor a certain criminal enterprise under the reigns of Byun Baekhyun, all responsibilities fell to Kyungsoo. He was the only one the Director trusted enough to not screw up and the only one that could follow through.

Kyungsoo, though accepting the case, he didn’t do it with much vigor. He’d rather go out in the field, rather have his life on the line, instead of monitoring some mafia boss that spent his time fucking, getting wasted or high, or all three at the same time.

You could say that Kyungsoo didn’t have much of a survival instinct and maybe that’s why he’d rather be caught in the middle of the action than just plainly spying on someone or staying put behind a desk. He wanted the adrenaline, the magnificent feeling of boiling blood pumping in his veins when one wrong move could have him compromised. He sought that dangerous thrill. He yearned for it with every fiber of his being. It was his personal drug. Making him forget anything besides the moment, making him shelve his lonely, pathetic life.

So even though this case would help his steady ascent to success, he wasn’t too excited about it.

A week after being appointed to Byun Baekhyun, a week after constant, sleepless nights spying on the man, Kyungsoo had a visit from the last person he’d expect.

When Junmyeon knocked on his front door, Kyungsoo didn’t know how to react. They had lost all contact since Kyungsoo moved away, how the hell did Junmyeon know where he lived? And what the fuck did he want?

“It’s been a long time, little brother,” he had said with a stone-cold expression that had nothing to do with the brother Kyungsoo remembered. Junmyeon in his memory was always smiling, warmth seeping from his eyes. The person in front of Kyungsoo at that moment was a complete stranger.

Kyungsoo barely remembers the actual words that they exchanged. He only remembers Junmyeon trying to plead their relationship as brothers to not rattle on Baekhyun’s “activities”. And Kyungsoo had found quite a lot of those “activities”. Drug trafficking, prostitution, blackmail, homicide. Byun Baekhyun’s business had it all. Kyungsoo had quite a catch with this case, and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna give that up for the sake of a brother that chose to appear only when he found it beneficial. Kyungsoo had originally said no.

Originally.

Junmyeon hadn’t backed down after Kyungsoo’s negative response. And the conversation that followed wasn’t something two brothers would talk about, no. Because they weren’t talking like they were brothers anymore. No, they were beyond that. That bond had begun perishing the moment Junmyeon had chosen this kind of life and it had crumbled to ashes when Kyungsoo had walked out of that house without looking back. This conversation was purely professional. As professional it could have been, between the right hand of Byun Baekhyun and a federal agent.

In the end, Junmyeon had to bribe Kyungsoo. He lured him in with money, the last resort, the fallen god everyone worshiped. Kyungsoo tried to resist its appeal, he really did, but the temptation was too strong. Both from the amount of money Junmyeon offered and by that accelerating tingle that spread quietly through his bones when he thought about the risk.

At least he didn’t go down without a fight. He bargained for the price until they reached a mutual agreement. And after that Junmyeon was gone.

What surprised Kyungsoo at that particular visit, wasn’t the reason Junmyeon had visited. No, in fact, Kyungsoo had been waiting for Byun Baekhyun to send one of his men. Neither was the fact that Junmyeon was one of these men. What surprised him was the way Junmyeon held himself.

He had walked with a slow yet pompous pace as if he owned the place, as if everyone had to kiss the ground he was walking on. His gaze was indifferent as he had taken in Kyungsoo’s apartment, his eyes cold and distant. He was radiating an aura of prestige. He carried himself with a silent, deadly confidence that came with the thought of knowing he was gonna get what he came here for. And the man Junmyeon was at that moment, was no longer Kyungsoo’s brother. And Kyungsoo no longer thought of him as that. Junmyeon was now the right hand of Byun Baekhyun, the most notorious Mafia Leader in all of Miami.

Some days after the first contact, Junmyeon had called. Byun Baekhyun wanted to meet Kyungsoo himself. Something about having to know the men under his leadership.

Kyungsoo had reluctantly agreed and Junmyeon wasn’t too thrilled with the idea either, although Kyungsoo had no idea why.

Two weeks after the phone call, Kyungsoo finally got to meet him He had gone to Club Medallion, dressed in a blue, patterned blazer, with matching trousers and an intricate yellow shirt, all a “gift” from Junmyeon, who had deemed Kyungsoo’s black suits to be too boring for a club like Medallion.

The introductions were short and to the point. Baekhyun didn’t waste any time in small talk, jumping straight to the reason this meeting was happening. Do Kyungsoo was from now on working under Byun Baekhyun’s command, making him one of his men. Which meant if Kyungsoo was ever to cross him, he would most probably end up chopped off in some dumpster in Liberty City.

Kyungsoo didn’t exactly feel scared or surprised by that; he knew what he was getting into. When he had stepped foot into the club, he had felt the same adrenaline that took over him when in the middle of an operation. But the impact was stronger tenfold. It was addicting, catastrophic and hypnotizing. Working on a case was only a drop in this vast ocean, a small taste in comparison with this. Like someone’s first taste of the drug that went around that same club. While this here was the real thing. Kyungsoo couldn’t get enough. Hell would freeze before he would want out.

Baekhyun must have sensed that. Must have seen the hunger in Kyungsoo’s eyes, as he took in the delightful, addicting haze that enveloped the club. He must have sensed Kyungsoo was made for this kind of life. Molded to be beaten up, chased and in the middle of the fight. In his mind, Baekhyun called him an adrenaline junkie and he had smirked, realizing they had one thing in common.

They eventually came to a mutual understanding, everything rolling off smoothly, despite Junmyeon’s nervous tapping of his foot. Luckily the other two men in the room hadn’t noticed, leaving Junmyeon standing against the wall going through all the reason this could go wrong. He knew his brother was stubborn and adamant to his beliefs and ideals and Baekhyun was, well… Baekhyun. However the night passed without any unfortunate events and to seal their contract, Baekhyun offered Kyungsoo one of Minseok’s girls to spend the night with, for free.

Kyungsoo wanted to protest, having no interest in satisfying his body needs, though he knew Baekhyun wouldn’t take his refusal lightly. Their deal was already on unsteady ground and he didn’t want to start on the wrong foot, so he finally agreed, as Minseok came to pick him up.

Minseok was a reserved man, his face stuck into a permanent expression of stern indifference. He had shaken hands with Kyungsoo and they chatted lightly while walking through the club. Minseok showed him every available girl at the moment, insisting on a girl named Lola, however, that’s when Kyungsoo’s eyes fell on you.

The moment he saw you there, scantily clad in a tight, red dress he froze. Minseok’s eulogy on the other girl went into deaf ears. Kyungsoo had stopped listening, his eyes glued to your form that was talking with another man, that lightly caressed your arm. What were you doing here?

A thousand memories swam through Kyungsoo’s mind. He tried to avoid reminiscing but he couldn’t help it. Not with you standing 20 feet away from him.

~ He had met you when he was still in college, via a mutual friend on a night out. Kyungsoo had been his usual self; not talking much, a bitter expression plastered on his face as he sipped quietly on his Gin and Tonic. You, on the other hand, were everything that annoyed Kyungsoo; loud, boisterous, talkative and friendly. At first, he found you irritating, “too much hustle for nothing” were his exact words and you found him conceited, cocky and snob. None of you liked the other one at first and whenever you happened to be in the same room you both did your best in avoiding each other, otherwise, a spiteful match of bantering would ensue.

Until one fateful night, at a party next to his house. You had been flat-out drunk, and with all of your friends already gone, the only person at the party that knew you, was Kyungsoo. He begrudgingly managed to drag you all the way to his apartment, muttering curses to himself as he tried to hold you up while opening the front door. He dumped you on the couch, not bothering to give you a second glance as you slept peacefully, walking straight to his room.

Though in the next moment he found himself drowning in guilt, however, he would never admit that. So he stepped back into the living room and tried to wake you up. When that didn’t work, he almost left you there again. But the sound of his consciousness was louder than the sound of his sleepiness. He swooped you in his arms and took you to his room, to lay you on his bed, while he would take the couch for the night. In that moment, in those few seconds it took him to walk to his room, he didn’t find you at all annoying. You had curled up in his embrace, your hands clawing around the fabric of his shirt, your eyes fluttered shut as you drooled a bit.

Kyungsoo had chuckled at that, thinking how cute you looked in that moment, and not basically pissing him off. But he would never admit that either.

The next morning you had woken up in his bed, scared out of your wits when you came face to face with the unfamiliar surroundings. You were still wearing the clothes from the night before so at least that was a relief. On the bedside table was a bottle of water and some aspirin and you eagerly downed the bottle when swallowing the pill. You cautiously made your way to the door, opening it only to find Kyungsoo on the other side, cooking breakfast.

You looked at him wide-eyed, for once no witty remarks falling from your lips. Kyungsoo, upon seeing you, stood still before swallowing nervously and averting his gaze.

Then he asked you if you wanted breakfast.

Long story short, after that you both began tolerating each other, if not more than that. Kyungsoo became more open with you against his personal instincts and you became more understanding. Soon you had become friends, casually spending time with one another, as if you were friends for years. Although, let’s say both of you wanted something more.

But that was something that never happened. Kyungsoo took his bachelor and moved away for training, while you were left behind to finish your studies.

Your goodbye was a very heartbreaking memory for both of you. It was his last day before leaving and you had both decided to spend it at your house. But uneasiness had snuck into your apartment in the wake of his departure. Both of you knew you meant something more to one another and both of you understood it was already a lost battle.

But that didn’t stop Kyungsoo from telling you how he felt and eventually kissing you. And you had let him. It was the last day of seeing each other and you would both regret it if you’d let it slide with just a simple goodbye.

You spent the night with him, bodies tangled together and with your sheets, not knowing where you ended and where he began. Not knowing which lips were whose, which hand was touching skin. In that night, that magical, magnificent night, you were his and he was yours.

But then that night ended.

Kyungsoo was gone in the morning, leaving behind messy sheets, unfinished business and most importantly, a wounded heart.~

That’s Kyungsoo last memory of you and as he watched you talking, flirting with another man, his blood began boiling.

Minseok caught upon his staring and he looked at him curiously, a mischievous look taking over his features.

“I see you already picked one…” Minseok said.

To which Kyungsoo replied, confused “I… what?”

Minseok pointed out to where you were. Kyungsoo looked around to see which girl Minseok was talking about but when he realized there wasn’t any other girl there but you, his eyes widened in shock and anger.

“It seems she’s occupied at the moment but if you got your sight on that one we can-”

“I don’t want her for the night.” was Kyungsoo’s quick response, his eyes glued to you while you stood there, unaware of the pair of eyes following you. His jaw was tense, unable to believe you were working there and the man next to you wasn’t a possible fling but a customer.

Minseok paused. “What? Then would you be interested in someone-”

“No, I’m interested in her.”

Minseok frowned in irritation while managing to pull a calm smile. “I’m not sure what you mean exactly…”

Then Kyungsoo turned to look at him, his eyes gleaming with determination. “How much to buy her?”

“Buy her?! I don’t think you can afford-”

“Then talk to Baekhyun. Tell him I don’t want his money. Tell him I’ll do his dirty work, I’ll cover for him whenever he wants, I’ll join him if he lets her go,” Kyungsoo had argued.

“Do you know how much money she owes us?” Minseok had uttered in shock and mild annoyance.

“I don’t give a flying fuck. I’ll pay for it all. And I won’t just cover for him. There is a lot of things I can do from the inside, such as checking upon files that contain info you might find very useful. I’ll be your inside man, I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll even fucking blow you if that’s what it takes to let her go.”

Minseok was looking at the man, wide-eyed. Kyungsoo covering for them was one thing, but providing them with info about potential rivals… that was something else entirely. Something that Minseok didn’t have the right to accept or refuse.

He brought Kyungsoo to Baekhyun’s office once more, where Kyungsoo repeated the same words from before. He would do anything and he meant anything to set her free. Baekhyun had almost laughed in his face but as he was presented with the prospect of Kyungsoo being more than just a cover-up, he felt intrigued.

The money they had promised Kyungsoo wasn’t an outrageous amount since all Kyungsoo would do was cover them. But now… Baekhyun was tempted but the delicious idea waiting at his feet. Practically owning Do Kyungsoo, having him covering up his “activities” while also being their informant. Kyungsoo said he wanted no money, just to set that girl free.

Which in itself was risky. Who was to promise Baekhyun that as soon as he set the girl free, Kyungsoo wouldn’t rattle him to the feds? No one, that was the correct answer. Byun Baekhyun was known for being reckless but naïve? No, that was something Baekhyun never was.

But as he realized Kyungsoo wasn’t gonna let it drop until they set her free or until they shut him up with a bullet in his mouth, another idea popped into Baekhyun’s mind. Even though the girl had already paid more than half the money she owed them, the remaining amount was still enormous. There was no way Kyungsoo would be willing to pay all that.

But Kyungsoo hadn’t backed down even then. He offered to pay for the original debt, paid and not paid, so they should give her the money she worked for.

Baekhyun was enraged, he almost shot him on the spot. Junmyeon had to hold him back, while he sputtered curses and trying to reach for his handgun. How did he dare to throw commands at him?! One word from Baekhyun and Kyungsoo wouldn’t live to tell the story.

Kyungsoo hadn’t budged though. He didn’t even flinch. All he did was staring at Baekhyun and only when Baekhyun managed to calm down a bit he saw the madness hiding in Kyungsoo’s eyes.

It was the kind of madness that made someone fear for their lives. The kind of madness of a man ready to get what he wanted or die. Baekhyun realized, while Kyungsoo’s words sounded like a command, they were in fact pleading. Desperate. Begging to save someone at the cost of himself. At that moment Baekhyun understood where Kyungsoo was coming from. Besides, he too had felt that same kind of desperation before. And he realized the yearning for adrenaline wasn’t the only thing they had in common.

So Baekhyun had agreed. He’d agreed, taking pity on the man but if anyone asked, he did it because of the info Kyungsoo was willing to share.

After a long night of bargaining, they came to another agreement. Kyungsoo was to work for Baekhyun, being his inside man for free, until he had repaid the girl’s debt. Meanwhile, they would have set the girl free with the amount of money she made while working on her pockets, though Baekhyun threatened to drag her back in if Kyungsoo was ever to double-cross him. And after the debt would have been settled, Kyungsoo would be paid, as they had agreed in the beginning. And although that seemed beneficial for Kyungsoo, don’t let the situation fool you. Baekhyun himself had proposed this, as a mean of binding Kyungsoo to them. A way of making sure Kyungsoo had something to gain from sticking with Baekhyun.

A few days after, Kyungsoo was outside the club, at 6 a.m., hiding in his black Ford Cortina, waiting. Junmyeon had informed him you were to be released that day. So Kyungsoo had eagerly waited, hiding in the shadows, heart almost beating out of his chest as he finally saw your tired form walk out.

You were wearing jean dungarees, a black t-shirt, and an oversized green suede jacket, while a big tote bag was hanging from your shoulder. You quickly looked into the bag, before looking around wearily and holding the bag closer to your chest. Kyungsoo smiled as he realized that’s where the money was. You were always so easy for him to read.

Although you looked tired and a bit afraid that all of this might just be a big joke, there was a glimmer of hope in your eyes. You looked at the Club Medallion for one last time, taking its picture in.

Most people would have wanted to erase every memory from such a place, but not you. You wanted to keep it in your memory as a reminder that all things come to an end and that means the bad do too. And since you had lived through this, you could do anything.

At that moment a small smile appeared on your lips and Kyungsoo could swear he never found you more beautiful. Then you slowly turned around, the smile still hanging from your lips as you quietly walked away.

The feelings your image woke in him were clashing with each other.

He couldn’t help but smile seeing you happy and at last free. He never asked Baekhyun why you were indebted to him and honestly, he didn’t care. As long as you were free and safe, everything else was meaningless.

But bitterness had settled deep inside his gut, knowing that now he could never be with you. He wanted you out of this life, out of this world of drugs and dirty money and danger, which meant you had to stay away from everything that had to do with it. Including him.

So he never got out of his car. He didn’t open the door to walk to you, he didn’t approach you. He only watched you. He watched you through his windows, hiding under a black snapback, his eyes glued to your figure that got smaller and smaller until you eventually disappeared.

And then he didn’t move either. He stood still, his gaze after the direction you had taken off to. Wishing a miracle could happen and that somehow, somehow he could call you his.

That’s when he remembered, miracles didn’t happen. This was real life. And real life was a shitshow, leaching away people’s dreams and happiness, leaving them dry and miserable. It was unforgiving.

So with a sigh, he averted his gaze. He started the engine and he took off in the opposite direction you left.

Further away from you.

.

.

Now, things for Kyungsoo are a bit different. Even though he still works for Baekhyun, your debt was settled and now a generous amount of money is steadily put every two months into his pockets. And even if Baekhyun decided not to pay him anymore, Kyungsoo would still stay. While working for him, he realized how dull his life was. And how the thrill of being a double agent, being almost caught was all he needed.

Things with them are a bit better too. Kyungsoo’s and Baekhyun’s relationship has turned into friendly acquaintances, instead of Kyungsoo loathing the other man for capturing and threatening you. While his relationship with Junmyeon remained the same. Kyungsoo isn’t sure if Junmyeon is trying to fix things or not and if he is, Kyungsoo couldn’t care less.

Kyungsoo stands up from his desk as he finishes his last report and walks over to the archives. He looks around him cautiously but he tries to appear normal. He doesn’t want anyone prying on him for what he’s about to look.

The other day, on another meeting with Baekhyun, he overheard the name “Taewon” being mumbled through hushed whispers. From what he got, they were looking for him. But Kyungsoo didn’t know the name. And curiosity took over him.

That’s what his visit to the archives is about. He’s not sure if he can find anything in the archives with that name, but it’s worth a shot.

So as he closed the door behind him, he gets to work.

.

.

After a while of looking with no obvious results, the door opens and causes him to look immediately to the person walking inside.

It’s a woman, another federal agent and when she looks his way, she’s more than surprised to see him there. Kyungsoo remembers this one. She looks quite young and she’s the youngest to join, after him. But she’s mostly appointed to desk work, as most women in FBI seem to work on.

Kyungsoo looks at her for a second before going back to do whatever he was doing before she walked in. He rearranges the file at hand before placing it back to its original place.

“What are you doing here?” she asks suspiciously.

Kyungsoo’s eyes stay focused on the files in front of him with a look of focus as he answers.

“What does it look like? I’m working.”

Kyungsoo is calm and collected, trying to pretend he’s just doing his work. And he’s pretty good at it. Pretending, that is. If it was anyone else, they would have been intimidated by his cold demeanor. But this one won’t be easily fooled.

She scoffs lightly, not replying as she stares at him ominously. Kyungsoo though doesn’t pay her any attention as he nonchalantly walks over to the door.

“I know what you’re doing.”

Kyungsoo stops at that, turning to look at her with a disinterested face.

“And what exactly is that I’m doing?” he says, crossing his arms over his chest as if waiting for the punchline of a badly written joke.

The girl turns to return his stare with blazing eyes.

“Covering for Byun Baekhyun.”

At that, Kyungsoo snorts. “Whoa, you should have become a writer with that imagination of yours.”

Her jaw tenses, eyes furious. “I haven’t imagined anything. Tell me, is it a mere coincidence that since you’ve been appointed to monitor him 14 months ago, not a single clue has been brought to light?”

Anger rises from Kyungsoo. “He’s not Miami’s most notorious Mafia leader for nothing. The man knows how to cover his tracks.”

“And that’s why the Assistant Director chose you for this, isn’t it? If anyone was able to find something, it would be you,” she retaliates. “So tell me, how can you not find anything while you’re the best in your field? And what would the Assistant Director assume when I tell him my suspicions while you’ve been given every mean possible to complete this mission with nothing to show?” she quickly says, as she observes Kyungsoo’s expression hardening.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you admire Byun Baekhyun by the way you spoke of him,” she delivers the final blow.

At this, Kyungsoo’s vision turns red as he takes a step closer. “I’d watch my words, little girl. It won’t be a nice move to make me your enemy. Everyone here knows my name, knows I’m the best among them all. And you? You’re an unknown agent, destined to work in the background, behind an office desk while other, more skilled agents do the real work. And I’d say you spent some serious amount of time observing my case, while it’s considered strictly confidential. Tell me, who do you think the assistant director will believe? Me, the pride of the task force? Or you? A small, insignificant agent?” he says, low, calmly though his voice emits authority.

The girl looks at him wide-eyed as she cowers under his stare.

Kyungsoo’s eyes don’t miss the movement and he smirks. “That’s right. I wouldn’t bet on the later, either.”

He moves past her to reach the door when he decides to speak once more.

“I’ll give you one piece of advice. Stick to your business and stop snooping around. If you don’t, you’ll end up buried somewhere in Miami, being food for worms. So keep your nose out of people’s business before you’ll regret it.”

And with that last piece of “advice”, Kyungsoo walks out of the room, confident in his posture. Though secretly wondering if he fucked up.

Well everything was not okay. Perhaps Kyungsoo didn’t think he’d be feeling like this in the heat of the moment, but it had passed now. And all he felt now was cold, as if a thin sheet of snow had wrapped around him, a cruel wind blowing through his hair. He’d be unfair to you, and he knew that now, but he didn’t think he’d be able to take back what he said so easily with the simple syllables of a ‘sorry’.  

He yelled in frustration, the aggravated noise bouncing off the bleachers and right back at him. He chuckled, karma, he thought bitterly. He shuffled slightly in his seat, fumbling for his phone. He didn’t really know what he was hoping for - well, he did. He was hoping for messages from you, maybe even a few missed calls with voicemails asking of his whereabouts and that you wanted to talk things out with him.

But talking was how it had all started… Stupid, slurred words spat at one another just to prove a point that wasn’t really there to begin with.

“Kyungsoo, I can’t make it to the game tonight.”

“What? Why not? You promised you’d be here!”

“My sister’s sick so I’m going over to look after her son.”

“Oh, of course you’d go over there, I’m always the Plan B after all, aren’t I?”

“Soo, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“No, don’t worry. Your support is really appreciated, you know. I don’t need you here anyway.”

Maybe if the silence on your end of the line had been louder, Kyungsoo would have realised how cruel he was being.

“You know what? Fine, if that’s how it’s going to be, so be it. Thanks for wasting three years of my life.”

And only then did the beep of you ending the call bring him back to his senses. But by that time it was too late, you were out of his grasp now, and the piercing horns signalling the start of the match tore Kyungsoo away from the thought of you once again.

He stared at the lockscreen of his phone, his thumb shakily tracing over the picture displayed. It was of you, a random candid Kyungsoo had taken a while ago. Three years, he thought, and to think all those days can be wiped away within minutes. But just like his nature on the field, Kyungsoo wasn’t going to give up what you had without a fight.

Unlocking the phone, he pressed your contact, his shaky hands bringing the phone to his ear as he took a deep breath.

Ring

Beep Beep

“I don't know what to do with you anymore," he said with a sigh as his eyes closed tightly. "Everything I do makes you cry and nothing I say can make it stop."

You tried to control the cries that riddled your body as you held a hand to your mouth. "What do you mean you don't know what to do?" You cried out at him from where you were curled up in a ball on the couch.

He pointed at you, "Exactly that. I don't know what to do. Your panic attacks just get worse by the day and I can't figure it out."

"You don't try to figure it out," you lashed out as your fingers found their place on your bicep. Your nails curved into the skin without hesitation and you forced them into your skin as harshly as you could. You needed the pain. You needed something to balance out the mess that you were in.  

He scoffed. "You run off to him before I even get the chance to try," he accused as his voice raised.

It was this same way every time you fought with your boyfriend of three years. In fact, it was this same way if you fought or if you had a panic attack and normally a panic attack is what caused a fight. You couldn't control what set you off, you never could and that was something you made clear to him before the two of you even started dating. Your boyfriend assured you that he was ready to help you tackle your anxiety and that it was worth it but the further the two of you went into your relationship, the more it seemed like a lie.  

Everyone was so afraid of your anxiety and it always made you laugh because while they were afraid of it, they never had to look it in the eyes the way you did. They weren't fighting with it. If they had to deal with the mental battles you did, maybe then would they truly be afraid. They had no idea what true fear was.

You loved your boyfriend. Loved him so much that it hurt but lately, you wondered how much hurt you could take before you were broken even worse. Your childhood ruined you and shaped you into the fearful adult you were but how much further could you get broken?

You just wanted someone to accept you and your anxiety because it wasn't like it was going anywhere anytime soon. There was one person who did accept your anxiety though and that one person was the only one who could pull you from darkness when you couldn't seem to find a light. The one person who-

"What? I mentioned him and now you have nothing to say?" He spat.

You hadn't realized you were hyperventilating until you felt your lungs tighten in your chest. You were ready to spiral. Too far stressed about your boyfriend and the painful memories he had brought up less than thirty minutes ago. He thought talking about your past was some sick was to help you but it never did. If you wanted to talk about it, wouldn't you bring it up?

"You always run off to him before I get the chance to help-"

You cut him off. "Are you kidding me? How long do I stay like this before I go to him for help? How many hours do you want me struggling to breathe before I get some help? I suffer for as long as I can before reaching out to him. All you do is stare at me and ask me why I'm crying. I've told you what I needed before. I've told you how you can help me but you don't care. You think comforting me will enable me to be like this even more."

"How am I supposed to know what to do to fix you? I didn't sign up for your anxiety Y/N. I didn't get a choice in that-"

Laughing bitterly, you came to a shaky stand. You could feel pain aching from your biceps from where you had carved crescent moons into them with your nails. "You think I get a choice? You think I would be like this if I could help it?"

"You haven’t tried to change. You haven't worked on it. You've been progressively gotten worse and it's because you don't want to do anything about it."

Time felt like it stopped as you stared at your boyfriend. The same one you slowly and happily fell in love with over the course of three years. The same one who promised that your mental disorder would never be a match for his feelings. He looked at you with spite now. His loving eyes nowhere to be found.

If anxiety was a choice, you would have closed the door on it years ago but it wasn't up to you. Anxiety kept the door wide open no matter how roughly you grabbed the knob and pulled. Anxiety was going to ruin your relationship and you wondered if that was the worst thing in the world. Maybe having the mental illness wasn't your choice but at least it weeded out those who couldn't handle loving you for who you were and your boyfriend seemed to be one of those.

He watched you pull the ring from your finger that he had gotten you as an anniversary present. Still shaky and slightly sobbing, you held it out to him. He cringed away. "What are you doing?"

"Here is your choice. If you don't want my anxiety, you can walk away."

He froze, not knowing how to react as you forced the ring into his hand.

"Go ahead. Escape it while you can," you nodded to him as you closed his fingers around it. "I'm sure I would do the same if given the chance."

Slipping your shoes on, you heard his voice call something out to you. You turned around and he repeated himself more clearly as he looked down at the ring in his hands. "Are you going to him?"

"What scares you more? My anxiety or my friendship with Kyungsoo?"

When he didn't answer, you knew the answer yourself. It had to be a mixture of both. Kyungsoo was your best friend since you were younger and while things always remained platonic, your boyfriend always held a high sense of jealousy when anything included Kyungsoo. Although Kyungsoo himself was in a four-year-long committed relationship, it didn't stop your boyfriend's suspicions. When your panic attacks got the best of you and you couldn't find it in you to calm down, he's who you went to. Kyungsoo was where you found your sanity.  

That was probably why he was so jealous. Kyungsoo understood your anxieties in ways your boyfriend never tried to. That's why he would be the one you called during the early hours of the morning when you couldn't stop the impending doom that seemed to be happening.

Your boyfriend was never happy when Kyungsoo would show up unannounced to take you away from the tight confines of the house and no matter what you said in your defense, he never believed things were platonic.

You couldn't help Kyungsoo was the remedy for your fear.

His girlfriend also seemed to react the same as your boyfriend. She would glare at you when she would find you tucked into Kyungsoo's bed in the morning when she would visit. You could hear the way she accused the two of you and the way Kyungsoo begged her not to go. She went as far as ignoring your presence when you were around but no matter how bad things with your significant others got, you and Kyungsoo stayed by each other's side.

You wouldn't let go of him and he wouldn't let you let go.  

At the end of the day, Kyungsoo was your best friend first.

And he was exactly who you called the moment you stepped outside of your front door. He answered halfway through the second ring and seeing as it was late at night, he didn't bother greeting you and instead said, "I'm on my way," as you heard rustling in the background.

Instantly, your heart slowed down even though tears were still falling from your eyes.

He was there in exactly seven and a half minutes looking frantic as ever as he scooped you up from your place on the stairs and took you to his car.

His hand found yours as he drove you back to his place. "You're okay," he assured as his thumb rubbed over the back of your hand. "You're okay."

Your emotions weren't as heightened as they were before and you found yourself less emotional. Even though you had pretty much broken up with your boyfriend, you felt as if a weight had been lifted instead of adding weight to your shoulders.

You could feel Kyungsoo watching you carefully as he drove you back to his place and only when you were finally tucked into his bed once again, did you see his shoulders relax and some of the tension leave his body. He crawled up next to you and pulled you into his arms. He brushed some fallen hair away from your face, "How did he upset you this time?"

A sigh escaped your lips. "It started off with some of the stuff that happened when I was younger and then led into a fight about my anxiety."

Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes. "What about it?"

"He told me that I'm choosing to be like this. That I haven't tried to change."

Rage passed over Kyungsoo and you forced him to stay down when he tried to get up. "I should kill him."

Shaking your head, you gazed up at him. "Don't bother. He said he didn't get a choice with my anxiety, so I gave him a choice." You showed off your bare hand to him and he gasped. When he opened his mouth to speak, you cut him off. "Think about it this way, if I could run away from this, I would too. So I get it. I get why he doesn't want to be around me like this. I don't want to be around me like this."

"But I do," Kyungsoo replied instantly. "I want to be around you when you are like this. I want to be the one you come to knowing I can help you. Sure, I don't want you to go through the mental torture you go through but my choice is to be by your side so you don't have to go through it alone."

A smile spread across your lips as you tucked yourself further into Kyungsoo. "Nobody will ever compare to you."

He laughed softly. "I'm glad. Nobody will ever compare to you either, you know that?"

You rolled your eyes. "I've made your life so difficult, Kyungsoo." You sighed. "Your girlfriend will be furious to know that you picked me up once again."

"First of all, nobody controls me. You are my priority and I broke up with her two weeks ago-" he stopped you from interrupting him. "Second, you haven't made my life difficult. When will you give yourself some credit? You see yourself as this big burden with all this anxiety and fear but all I see is someone who is so strong. Your mind is set in a constant state of panic and while you always feel it, I don't always see it in you. That takes pure strength. You've made my life colorful. I've seen things differently because of you. You've made me think about things more carefully and see things in a light I've never seen them in. To you, your anxiety is like a monster and while sometimes it is, sometimes your anxiety is useful."

"That is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life," you stated. "the only thing it's good for is running people out of my life."

He shook his head. "That's not all. Sure, it's good to get rid of anyone who isn't in your life for you but it's more than that. You make me think before making stupid decisions like driving without a seatbelt. You remind me to say I love you at the end of each phone call. You are the reason that I appreciate every sunset and sunrise. I know you worry about it all the time. I know you worry about everything and because of that, it makes everything so much more worth it when it goes right."

"My anxiety isn't a positive thing, Kyungsoo," you reminded him even though his words were touching you in all the right places.

"It had brought us together hasn't it?" He asked as his hand found its place on your cheek. "That's enough for me to see it positively sometimes."

You could feel your cheek burning from where his skin touched. "I will never find anyone like you," you groaned to yourself.

"Did you break up with him?"

You nodded slowly.

"You don't have to then."

You furrowed your brows as Kyungsoo looked at you fiercely. "Don't have to what Kyungsoo? You're not making any sense."

"You don't have to find anyone like me because you can have me."

You felt your body start to shake as you saw the pure determination in his eyes. "What are you saying?"

Kyungsoo's fingers tapped gently against your cheeks. "I'm saying that not only do I love your anxiety, but I love you. I've been fooling myself for so long. I've been telling myself I'm not the best person for you but the more time passes the more I realize that's not true. I am the best person for you as long as you want me too."

It was then that your anxiety went full force in your brain. It made your pulse race and your lips tremble as obsessive questions attacked you. Worries bombarded you but the more you stared at Kyungsoo, the more you could filter the bad thoughts. The more Kyungsoo looked at you with love, the more your anxiety was being shut up.

Kyungsoo hadn't been the only one fooling himself. There was a reason he was the only one with the key to shutting down your anxiety and that was because you loved him too.

Pushing all the anxiety aside that you could, you pressed your lips to Kyungsoo's and felt the world around you calm down when he kissed you back.

So sometimes your anxiety helped you the way Kyungsoo did.  

Sometimes it saved your life the same way Kyungsoo always did.

OYA masterlist