#djxk

It’s been a pretty good morning so far. I really appreciate being able to meditate and do my yoga practice before I read each morning. The seem to open and free my mind to be able to concentrate on the material I’m reading. I noticed yesterday that when my mind started racing, that I instinctively reached for my breath in order to calm my mind. I think that’s progress! I’m still a scatter brain. haha

Today’s reading was about coping and helping. A few of the topics really hit home and they are things for me to keep in mind for the future. Typical responses to a borderlines rage are “what’s wrong with you?!” “Pull yourself together!” or “You’re crazy!!” or, at the other extreme “you poor baby, I’ll take care of you”. Neither are helpful and can actually hurt the borderlines chances of healing. 

“Affection and physical touching such as hugs or holding hands can communicate to the borderline that he is a valued person.”  This brings to me even more intensely the guilt of not having difficult conversations in person. I’ve always been the guy who believed that the best way to argue with a S/O is while holding hands. In the midst of my borderline rage, there was no “lets wait til we are together and discuss this”. There was only the immediate need to relieve the rage. (hurt) REGRETS KICK MY ASS. 

“After a while, for someone close to a borderline, unpredictable behaviors may become commonplace and therefore “”predictably unpredictable””. This brings to mind when she would tell me she was just waiting for another rage, another break-up. 

‘The person in the relationship with the borderline should resist the temptation to fight fire with fire. The louder and angrier the borderline gets, the quieter and more composed the other person should become”. I understand why should couldn’t do this. Attacks on a person are never cool. I tried so many times after one of my rages to explain that it wasn’t about her, it was aboutn the hurt and insecurity in me. It didn’t help. 

I wish I had the ability to put into words what I’m feeling. 

I’m beginning my journey into healing and I know I have so far to go yet. I want to reach out to all those I have hurt and do anything I can to heal the wounds I have caused. I have said the worst possible words to them. I have hurt them because I was hurting. 

I have attempted to induce in them the shame I have felt inside myself. 

But the only way they can heal is for me to disappear. 

I long for her touch. A simple “I understand and I forgive you”. A whisper that she loves me still. Empathy, understanding, Love. Love. 

I want to believe that there is no hope for us. I want to erase her from my mind. But, I cannot. She is so deeply entrenched inside my heart and my soul that I will never be able to erase her. Soon though I hope that she fades at least a little bit. And that she continues to fade until the pain of missing her is bearable. 

The intimacies we once shared have so quickly been given to someone else. The places that were special to me have been violated by a new love. The closeness that we shared. The loving nicknames now belong to another man. And so very quickly. Like I meant nothing. Like what we shared never even happened. It’s so hard to bear, how quickly I was replaced. Why was it so easy to violate the special places, names, moments? I can’t stop crying whenever I think of them.

She has a new “soul mate” “Panda Mate”. It only took 7 days for her to return to her ex and proclaim themselves soul mates. It hurts. And it feeds my wounded child. The little boy inside is screaming. He rages. “See?! I was right!!! You don’t deserve love!!!” “I told you that she would leave you for someone BETTER!!!!” “How could you believe? How could you believe she saw me and understood me?” But, he also misses her. Misses her wounded child. At times, her compassion was there. Something about her wounded child wouldn’t let me see her either. We did connect. It was real. We did love.