#divorcedat50

11/3/18

There are words that really resonate with me. This morning a friend said to me that “compassion is power in this world” and I think she’s absolutely right.

I truly try to live my life by looking for the positive. I lived with so much negativity for so long that I think it colored my world view.

Now I feel the fog lifting and my true self coming back. Someone who smiles, often. Someone who cares, always. Someone who loves, quickly.

7/2018

So now it’s time to set the goals and to put them out there in writing for myself so that I know what I’ve committed to.  I’ve decided to group them into three categories: Body, Mind, Environment.

Environment:  Step 1 was a long-overdue change of financial advisers and getting my financial house in order.  I set the meeting, followed through with the meeting instead of moving it (I’m a horrible procrastinator!), and now I’m following up on the loose ends that came out of the meeting. I will have two kids in college starting next month and it’s past time to get my financial house in order. 

Mind: I’m working on wrapping my head around being an empty-nester next month.  I thought it was going to be easy but the closer I get the more I’m not in a good place where this is concerned.  I can’t really find a good adjective to describe it.  I’m not nervous, I’m not upset, I just know that I’m not where I thought I would be at this point in my life and I need to take steps to change that. 

Step 2 for me is to NOT fill my time with people who don’t further my goals.  That has included all of these crazy men that I’ve met doing online dating.  So...last week I deleted my online profiles.  I didn’t just “hide” them, I deleted them and I deleted the apps from my phone.  While the first few days were tough, I won’t lie, I haven’t thought much about them the past couple of days.  

I’m also clearing my personal calendar of anything that I felt an obligation to say yes to and spending more time at home.  That’s been tough too because it’s been lots of time alone as my daughter was out of town last week on vacation with her dad.  And even when she’s home she works a lot or spends time up in her room.  Again, I’m not going to lie, I’ve been watching way too much TV. So this week I’ve made some goals for things that I want to take care of in my “down” time.  Weeding the flower beds is job #1 and will (hopefully) be taken care of tonight.

And I’m “deleting” some people that I’ve been spending time with.  Like the guy I met a year ago who is funny and I’ve “enjoyed” spending time with except that every time we’re together he’s looking over my shoulder at the “hot” 20-something at the next table.  That certainly doesn’t make me feel better about myself and he isn’t making me a better person.  So...less time there.

Body: Lastly for today, I got back on the wagon as far as my eating is concerned.  I had a shake for breakfast and packed my lunch.  I’m trying to not look at this as a diet but as a lifetime change that I need to make for my health.  Every choice is, in fact, a choice.  Eating fast food 10+ times a week is not a healthy habit, and it’s not “normal”. Most people do not do this and I need to not do it either.

So...there you go.  Goals established and started in my quest to achieve them.  It’s Monday morning and motivation is high!

8/1/2020

I never thought I’d say this, but I think I’m actually grateful for being in the midst of this pandemic. Let me just preface the rest of my comments by saying that thankfully me, my kids, and my family have all stayed healthy.

But, this current pandemic situation...self isolation, physical distancing, all of it, has forced me to slow down. It’s forced me to take stock of my life. It’s forced me to really figure out what it is I want and what (and who) is really important to me.

Pre-pandemic Saturdays would be spent out of the house running errands or meeting friends.

During-pandemic Saturdays are spent a little closer to home for the most part. I sleep in. I tend to my flowers (haven’t grown flowers in well over 7 years!), I may pull a few weeds around the house, do a little laundry, clean out a cabinet or two. (Honestly, I’m not sure my house has ever been more put-together LOL.)

Before this all started I was looking to move downtown. I was ready to downsize. Ready for a new start. This is the house where I raised my kids, and I loved it, but now that they’re grown and all but out on their own, it was time for a change.

That’s what I was telling myself. But in reality, this was also the house where I’d gone through my divorce and there were “ghosts” of that experience at every turn. I think I spent so much time away from my house pre-pandemic in order to avoid them.

I told myself I liked to keep busy, I liked to be out with friends doing things. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely do, but in the past several months I’ve learned to love being at home too. I’ve been working from my dining room table where, from time to time, I’m visited by a pair of cardinals and the blue jay that live in the trees behind my house. I watch a squirrel who visits my deck daily scrounging for snacks. I see the neighbor’s cat who likes to sun himself on my deck.

With all of this time here, it’s become my home again and not just my house. I’m taking pleasure in growing flowers and redecorating my bedroom. I sit on my porch for hours listening to the wind rustle the leaves on the trees. At dusk I watch the lightening bugs and listen to the crickets. I’ve enjoyed inviting a few close friends here for wine or dinner or to watch a movie.

I’m enjoying my space again...and the ghosts are visiting less often than they used to. And for that I am definitely grateful.

12/7/18

11/30/2018

10/3/18

Its the strangest thing. Ever since my daughter left for college I’ve had trouble sleeping. At first I thought it was the empty house but now that I’m more than a month into it I’ve determined it’s something else.

I honestly walk around every corner of my house half expecting my ex to jump out at me. Or I expect to roll over in bed and have him standing next to the bed wanting to hurt me.

Ok, I’m going to say it...I open my bedroom door and half expect to see him hanging, having killed himself. This is the image that’s in my head and it scares the life out of me.

Why do I feel this way? It’s been 4 years since the divorce, 5 years since we separated. He remarried a few years ago and says he’s happy.

Is this guilt for having been the one to end my marriage? I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I write this. I have no idea how to get past this.

Up until tonight he’s had the entry code for our garage and we’ve never had a lock on our door to the garage. That’s always bothered me that he could theoretically come into the house whenever he wanted. He never has...but he could.

Tonight that changed. Tonight I came home and my dad had been here today. He put a shiny new knob on the door to my garage. One that has a lock. So tonight when I went upstairs to bed I locked that door for the first time in 20 years.