#distrus

You pull away with a giggle and look over your shoulder to where your four-year-old daughter stands with her arms crossed over her chest.

“Really? You think it’s gross when I kiss mommy?” Charlotte nods and runs over to the two of you.

“Daddy’s going again?” She asks, hugging your legs and looking up at the two of you. “Only for two days. But that’s gonna be the last time for a while.” She smiles brightly, brown eyes sparkling.

“I’ll miss you this much!” She spreads her arms as wide as she can and your heart warms.

“Really?! That much? Wow, I must be important for you to miss me that much.” She nods vigorously, squealing as he scoops her up in his arms and tosses her into the air once then tickles her sides.

“Daddy! Daddy sto-o-o-op!” You smile lovingly at the pair, not bothering to look away when Bucky catches your gaze.

“I gotta get going, sweetheart. I promise when I get back I’ll take you and mommy out for ice cream.” She gasps and hugs him tightly.

He wraps one arm around her back then wraps the other around you, pulling you into a hug with him. “I love you, (Y/n).” You smile and kiss his lips gently, “I love you, Bucky.”

He pulls away reluctantly and sets Charlotte on her feet. “Okay ladies, I’ll see you on Friday. I’ll call or video chat tonight. Tell me what happens at your doctor's appointment tomorrow, okay?” You squeeze his hand and smile.

“Of course. Now go, before Nat takes your head off.” He chuckles and kisses your cheek once then hurried out the door.

“Hey, mommy? Can we watch movies and eat Chinese food? The kind that daddy doesn’t like?” You smooth down her raven hair and nod. “Of course. What do you wanna watch?” She shrugs, running over to the couch and plopping down in Bucky’s usual spot.

You sit down next to her and put the TV on while grabbing your phone, letting Lottie pick a movie as you order food.

~

“Mommy?” Charlotte asks as the two of you lie down in the bed you and Bucky share.

“Yes, Lottie?” She puts her thumb in her mouth, a nervous tick she has.

“Why didn't my bio...biological mommy want me?” You hug her tightly to your body and kiss the tip of her head. “I bet she did, she was probably just scared. But she wanted you. And because she gave you up, you’re here with your daddy and I. Out of all those kids, we picked you because we knew you were the one we wanted. You’re our Charlotte and we love you with all of our hearts. We wouldn’t ever want a different little girl.”

She sniffles and clings to you tightly. “I’m glad you’re my mommy.” You feel a wave of pride wash through you and you kiss the crown of her head.

“I’m glad I’m your mommy too.”

You remember when you and Bucky decided to adopt her. A year into your serious relationship, a year and a half into your outpatient recovery. You decided together that you were ready for this. And it was one of the best decisions of your life.

~

“Well, (Y/n). You’re in excellent health.” You smile at Doctor Cho, eyes flashing over to where Lottie is colouring absentmindedly at the desk.

“I’m just gonna check your blood, routine and everything.” You nod, closing your eyes for a moment.

“Are you still sick, mommy?” You look at Lottie and smile. “Not super sick, baby. Mommy’s tummy just hurts a little bit.” Doctor Cho looks up at you. “You’re sick?” You shrug, scratching your arm nervously.

“I threw up last night and this morning. Pretty sure it’s just the Chinese food from last night. Bucky’s always telling us we should eat less of it.” She purses her lips and nods, looking back at her computer as she waits for the results of your blood test.

“Daddy comes home tomorrow!” Lottie exclaims, suddenly remembering.

“Yes, he does. And we’re gonna celebrate and be happy and eat ice cream and drink smoothies and eat pancakes and waffles for dinner!” She giggles, “breakfast for dinner? That’s silly!” You smile at her as she resumes colouring.

“(Y/n)... Your blood test is different than expected. And I think I know the reason for your sickness.” Your stomach drops. You have an idea of what she’s gonna say, and that idea terrifies you.

“No. I... I can’t be. There... the damage to my uterus was too extensive, wasn’t it?” She shakes her head and grabs a paper from your file.

“Your uterus healed mostly. Permitting you to potentially have children. And from the looks of things... you’re-” “don’t say it.” She looks down solemnly.

“But it’s the truth. You can decide what you’d like to do with it and let me know. If you want to abort, I’ll have it done promptly. But I’d advise discussing it with Mister Barnes first. Just think about it for a moment, alright?” You nod hesitantly, your stomach churning.

“Here’s your results. If you’d like another scan or an ultrasound, we can have that arranged. But wait until James is home to make a decision because I want someone with you if you decide you don’t want to keep it.” You nod again and stand up, taking the file from her and grabbing Lottie’s hand.

“Drive safely, (Y/n). And please, consider everything.” You nod for a third time then walk out of the office with Lottie at your side, wide-eyed and oblivious to the life-changing news you’ve just received.

~

“Hello?” Bucky waits for an answer.

“Daddy? It… It’s mommy. She’s... she’s crying in the bathroom. She’s been in there f-for a long time and I-I’m scared.” Bucky jumps up and starts quickly packing his things.

“Okay, Lottie. I want you to call Uncle Tony. I’ll be home in a few hours and then I’ll help mommy, okay?” “Okay, daddy. Is-is mommy okay?” Bucky tosses his bag over his shoulder and looks at Nat and Clint.

“Yes baby, I’m sure mom’s fine. But call uncle Tony just to be sure. I gotta go now bay. Call me if anything else happens okay?” She sniffles and her voice wavers, “okay daddy.”

He hangs up and rushes to the door of the motel. “Is (Y/n) okay?” Nat asks. Bucky takes a deep breath and bites his bottom lip. “I fucking hope so.”

~

You hold your legs to your chest and cry softly into your knees, unsure what to do as you stare at the positive pregnancy test.

“(Y/n)? You in here?” The door opens and Tony walks in, Bucky a few steps behind him.

“I-I...” you trail off as Bucky drops to his knees beside you, carefully pulling you into his chest.

“What is it?” You look up at him with teary eyes. “I’m pregnant.”

The entire room stops as you whisper the dreaded words out loud.

“Oh god.. (Y/n)...” Bucky kisses the top of your head and Tony rubs his eyes, unsure what to do.

“Mommy? A-are you okay?” Lottie asks from the doorway.

“Lottie, your mommy-” you cut Tony off, “c’mere baby. Mommy just needs a hug. She’s got a booboo and just wants hugs from you and daddy.” Lottie runs into the room and jumps into your arms, hugging you tightly. Bucky rocks the three of you back and forth slowly, calming you down and easing your anxiety.

~

“Have a good day at daycare, baby! Uncle Tony is gonna pick you up and bring you to the park after too!” Lottie smiles and grabs Tony’s hand, letting him pull her to his sports car.

When they drive away, you turn to Bucky, your hands shaking wildly.

“So... you’re pregnant.” You nod hesitantly. His arms wrap around your frame and he kisses the top of your head.

“If you don’t want to keep it, you don’t have to. I know... how hard it’ll be for you. I know how hard... it was. So if you don’t want to keep it... if you can’t keep it... I’ll support you. The decision is entirely up to you and nothing will change that. It’s your body, so it’s your choice.”

Tears stream down your cheeks and you hug him tightly.

“A part of me... a part of me wants this baby. But I know how hard the pregnancy will be on my body. I know how hard it’ll be on my mind and stuff. So, I don’t know if I can do it. I kinda want to, but I’m not sure if I can handle it.”

He kisses your temple and then your cheek. “Think it over. Just know I’ll be here for you through every single decision you make.”

You pull out of his embrace and bite your bottom lip, thinking about what to do.

“Well... I mean I’m sure Doctor Cho could help me with any complications... but I don’t even know... nine months? God, I promised myself I would never have kids after Sarah. I...” Bucky takes your hands in his and kisses each finger gently.

“You have Lottie. We have Lottie. If you don’t want to have this baby then don’t. If we really want another kid, we can adopt another one. I don’t want you to strain your recovery, your body, or your emotions for a baby that you don’t want.” You sniffle and look up into his eyes.

“He’s affecting me, even now,” you whisper. He kisses your cheek then rests his forehead against yours.

“The decision is yours. I’m not going to tell you what to do or what not to do because this is totally and one hundred percent up to you.”

You take a deep breath in and nod. “Sarah... was my first daughter. My first child. And she’ll never be forgotten by me. I’ll always remember her. But she was a child meant for a different woman and a different man. The old me and Steve. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have a baby for you. With you. I mean, Lottie could use a sister or brother... but fuck. I just don't know!”

He holds your hands in his again and silences you with a kiss. “No one's saying you have to choose now. Give it a week. When you have your answer we’ll go talk to Doctor Cho about it. Risks for aborting and risks for keeping it. Because all I want is for you to be happy and healthy. With or without a baby. Now, go get dressed up. I’m gonna take you out on a date.” Your worries get pushed aside and you kiss his lips softly.

~

“I want Lottie to have a sibling. She’d love to have a younger brother or sister and I’m not totally against raising another child. In fact, I think it would be good for all of us. It’s something I want. But... I just don’t know if I can have the baby. I feel like... it’s almost a betrayal to Sarah.” Bucky nods, understanding where you’re coming from.

He mulls over your words while walking with you hand-in-hand to the park where Tony is watching Lottie.

“You’re not the same woman as you were when you were pregnant with Sarah. You’re not the same woman who couldn’t see a future for herself. Sarah won’t be forgotten. We’ll always remember her and, regardless of how many years go by. Nothing will ever change that.”

You lean against him as you get to the park, watching Lottie play tag with a few other kids.

“She wants a brother or a sister. How would she react if I got pregnant instead of adopting another one? Would she be upset?” You wonder aloud. Bucky shakes his head and wraps his arms around your waist.

“She’s been talking about having a younger brother or sister on the rides to daycare. She’s seen pregnant women before and knows that that’s where a baby grows. I think she’ll be good. She’s so sweet and kind, I’m sure she’ll be happy.” You nod along with his words, pursing your lips for a moment.

“I wanna meet with an Ob-Gyn and Doctor Cho. Find out about how many complications there might be with either the pregnancy or abortion. I don’t want to go into either blind with no information. Then I think I’ll be ready to make my decision.” He kisses your temple then takes your hand again, walking with you over to where Tony is sitting on a bench, watching his goddaughter closely.

~

The door closes with a soft ‘click’ and Bucky and Charlotte perk up from where they sit on the couch.

“Hi, mommy!” Lottie exclaims, jumping up and running to you. You scoop her up in your arms and kiss her cheeks. “Hi, baby! How was your day with daddy?” She smiles brightly, “amazing mommy! We went to the zoo! And I felt animals! And then we had chicken nuggets!” You raise your eyebrows and walk with her into the living room.

“We had a fun day together. After lunch we came home and watched Lilo and Stitch and coloured some pictures,” Bucky says, standing up and kissing your lips gently.

“How were the appointments?” He asks after a moment, helping you to sit down. You keep Lottie on your lap and gently comb your fingers through your hair.

“I’ll have to be monitored carefully. And Doctor Cho has recommended a few midwives and nurses to be with me at all times. My uterus is stable enough to support a fetus and my body is healed enough to carry one to term. She wants me to be on a stricter diet and have bi-weekly visits with her or Doctor Richards. My Gynecologist.”

His eyes widen as he takes this all in.

“Wait... you’re...?” You smile softly at him.

“Just at the borderline of abortion time. And... we’re keeping it. I think I knew I was going to keep it all along.” He hugs you tightly, laughing as Lottie squeals. “Daddy you’re squishing me!”

The two of you break apart and he looks at you lovingly.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” You bite your bottom lip and take a deep breath. “It won’t be easy. I’ll probably be hospitalized for a while. Doctor Cho thinks I might go into early labour too. But they think that we’ll have a healthy baby.”

Lottie pushes your hands away from her head and turns to you with wide eyes. “You’re having a baby? When? Where? A boy?” You laugh and kiss the tip of her nose. “We’re planning on having one. But they won’t be here for nine more months. By that time you’ll be starting kindergarten. And we don’t know if you’ll have a younger brother or sister. But we do know that you’ll be the best big sister in the world.”

She smiles proudly. “I can’t wait to be a big sister!” You kiss her cheek then rest your chin on her head. “I’m so happy, doll. So happy. Thank you for doing this. For letting us have this chance.”

~ Six months later

“Bye Lottie! Have a good day at school!”

She stops before running to the bus and turns back around, running to you and kissing your tummy. “Bye!”

She runs back to the bus and you watch with a smile as she climbs onto the bus and sits beside her friend.

As you walk back into the house, two hands are gently placing themselves on your large stomach.

“Two of my three favourite people. How’s baby doing today?” Your fiancé asks with a smile.

“We’re doing good. Kinda antsy. We hit exactly thirty-three weeks today. Two more months and the newest addition to our family will be here,” you muse. He kisses your cheek then your stomach.

“The team took my... retirement well. Tony says he’s got a more paperwork-based position for me.” You smile at that and rub your belly. “That’s good. How’s everyone doing?” He grabs two cups out of the cupboard and places them onto the counter.

“Good. They’re all really happy for us. Found out through Tony, cause God knows he can’t keep his mouth shut to save his life.” You giggle and shake your head, knowing Bucky’s beyond right.

“Well, they were bound to find out at some point.” Bucky nods. “Steve’s real happy for you. Probably the happiest.” You raise your eyebrows at this but otherwise disregard the comment.

“Now, how about some fresh organic fruit juice to help in the development of our baby?” You groan and shoot him a pointed look. “You’ve gotta stop reading those parenting books!” He simply chuckles and pushes a glass of juice towards you.

Just as you lift the glass to take a sip, a sharp pain rips through your abdomen. You drop the glass and it shatters on the floor, its contents spilling everywhere.

You double over, holding your stomach with one hand and bracing yourself on the ground with the other. “(Y/n)? What’s happening?” He’s by your side in an instant, lifting your hand out of the broken glass and supporting your weight.

“It hurts!” You cry, holding onto your stomach and groaning in pain.

“I’m gonna call an ambulance, just breathe, okay?” You nod and take shallow breaths, then deep ones, trying to remember what the midwife said to do in this situation.

“Ambulance is on its way. Are-” “I’m scared!” You exclaim, grabbing his hands and ignoring the pieces of glass embedding in your flesh. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” You shake your head, tears streaming down your cheeks.

“Bucky it hurts so much! I’m so scared.” He holds your hands and quickly inspects you, his gaze zeroing in on your sweatpants. There’s a dark stain between the legs, trailing down, making the grey fabric an eery black-ish grey.

“Honey... Please don’t panic.” Your eyes widen and you follow his gaze, a strangled choke leaving you. “No! Wh-why’s there so much blood?! Bucky!” He strokes your hand gently. “It’s okay. You’re okay. The baby’s okay.” You shake your head, tears flying. “Why is there so much blood?!” You gasp as another wave of pain attacks your abdomen.

You open your eyes as you feel hands on you, not remembering closing them.

“The paramedics are here. They’re gonna take us to the hospital. Tony’s gonna be picking Lottie up from school soon too. You’ll be alright.”

You’re lifted onto a stretcher, and you make the mistake of looking back. There’s a puddle of blood where you were standing.

“Is my baby okay?” You ask the paramedic by your head. She looks down at you, her lips pressed together in a tight line.

“We’ll find out in a moment.”

And then you’re in the ambulance, people hovering over you.

“She’s losing a lot of blood!” The voices seem distant.

“(Y/n)? Can you hear me?” Your eyes find Bucky’s and you nod as an oxygen mask gets placed over your face.

“You’ll be okay. I swear.” You squeeze your eyes shut as another bought of pain overtakes you.

“I think it’s the placenta! Placental abruption. Have them ready with an OR and as many people from the maternal-fetal and Ob-Gyn wings as possible.”

Your eyes start rolling and everything gets blurry.

“(Y/n)?!”

“She’s going into shock!”

The last thing you think before everything goes dark is

‘I’m going to lose my baby. Again.’

~

~ beep

~ beep

~ beep

~ beep

You want that fucking noise to stop.

Wait, no you don’t.

You peel your eyes open and blink a few times, not expecting the yellowish dim lights to be pouring in.

“(Y/n)?” You look over to your right, eyebrows furrowing.

“What happened? Where... where am I? Where are we?” He holds your hand and you wince as something tugs. A glance down shows you that it’s an IV.

You must be in a hospital.

“We’re in the hospital. You were in a lot of pain and... there was a lot of blood. You passed out from blood loss and shock in the ambulance.”

Your free hand instinctively moves to your stomach and you whimper. You’re significantly smaller than before coming here.

“Where... is...” He opens his mouth to reply but the door opening cuts him off.

“Good, you’re awake. You gave us quite a scare for a while. I’m Doctor Fletcher. You... wow. We’re all so proud of you for pulling through. I’m going to check your vitals and tell you what happened, okay?” You only nod.

“Well, your placenta had ruptured a bit. We don’t know the exact cause, but we do know that that led to a small tear in your uterus. From there it started to rupture and there were some... complications.”

You take a few deep breaths then look up at him.

“Where’s my baby?”

“Miss (Y/l/n), I know some of what you’ve been through in the past. Your troubles with birth and pregnancy. And... I'm very pleased to tell you that you have a healthy baby boy resting in the NICU.”

A sob bubbles out of you and you cover your face with your hands.

“He’s okay! He’s a boy!” Bucky wraps his arm around you and squeezes. “We have a son.” You bury your face in his chest and cry softly, so relieved and overjoyed.

“Yes, you do. And in a few hours, you’ll be okay to go see him. But you'll need to be wheeled there. And you’ll have to be with a nurse.” You nod, eager to see your son.

“Lottie and Tony are here. Lottie wasn’t told about your condition or her new little brother. But she knows that you’re okay.” You nod slowly and take a few deep breaths.

“I had a baby. And he’s okay.” Bucky nods, a tear-filled smile on his face.

“Yes, you did. And you did so well!” You smile and wipe your nose.

“Can Lottie come in? I wanna see my baby girl.” The doctor nods and writes something down on his clipboard, then opens the door and peaks out into the hallway.

Your daughter comes running into the room, tears filling her eyes as she sees you.

“Mommy?” You smile at her and pat the spot next to you. “Come here, Lottie.” She carefully gets on the bed next to you and hugs you as gently as she can.

“Are you okay?” She asks, her bottom lip wobbling.

“Yes, Baby. I’m okay. I promise.” She kisses your cheek then looks down to your stomach. “Where’s the baby? is it still in here?” She touches your stomach and frowns.

“No baby. But if you want, we can take you to him.” Her face lights up. “I have a baby brother?” You nod with a smile. “What's his name?” You and Bucky exchange glances.

“We haven’t picked one yet, but you can help us choose. In a few hours, a nurse is gonna come and bring us to see your brother. And then we can pick a name.” She smiles excitedly and leans her head against your chest, sighing deeply and lying down with you.

“I was scared for you, mommy. But daddy and Uncle Tony told me not to worry cause nothing bad would happen to you.”

You kiss the top of her head and look over at Bucky.

“They’re right.”

~

You can hardly sit still as Bucky wheels you to the NICU. Lottie is no better.

“Okay, your son is right over here.” The nurse leads you to his little incubator and your heart fills with adoration.

“He’s so small,” Lottie whispers. You nod and put your hand into the incubator, smoothing his hair away from his little pink face.

“He’s so soft,” you whisper. Bucky stands behind the two of you, staring at his son in absolute awe.

“I love him so much already,” he says softly. A tear slides down your cheek and you put your hand on his chest, rubbing his soft skin.

“He should be out of here in a week. Make sure you bring him back for his vaccinations. Avoid going into super public areas until he’s been vaccinated and make sure you check him for anything abnormal.” You nod at the nurse and stare lovingly at your son.

“What should we name him?” You ask. Lottie looks up at you with big eyes. “Can we name him Gabriel? Gabe for short.” You smile and look over at Bucky.

“I think that’s a perfect name. Welcome to the family, Gabriel.”

~

Fin.

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