#disorganized thoughts

I'm not "just indecisive". I can decide what I want from a menu. I just struggle to decide what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and whether or not I should do it. I struggle to organize my schedule, do mental math, navigate directions, and I rely heavily on other people and depend on a steady routine. I spend so much of my day fighting through it.

it absolutely affects daily activities, hygiene, changing clothes, making food, leaving the house, getting through the store, getting to the store, or whether to even get out of bed in the first place... I can't even list everything that gets screwed up.

Cognitive symptoms, executive dysfunction, disorganized thinking, they're all very real but if you experience problems with these things you probably walk around feeling like everyone thinks you're an idiot which doesn't feel great on top of the isolation and stigma you already feel

"Stop blaming everything on schizophrenia"

- limerenece

- maladaptive daydreaming

- attachment wounds

I know how it works:

- dopamine

- obsession

- panic cycles

I knew it was happening:

- every silent cry into the darkness

- every sigh of relief

- every “thank you for coming back for me”

but even still, I wanted it to be real even it wouldn’t ever be love

inspo credit: The Apparition by Sleep Token and my muse, the Ghost

Disorganized speech

Thought blocking

Poverty of speech

Literally the worst fucking symptoms for a linguist to experience

( GENETIC MATERIAL SECURED. )

Charlie is barely spider-themed (I only noticed her hair being a spider not too long ago). Having four arms surely would help making more complex yo-yo tricks.

Angelo is all props, somehow they can still fly. They could've made them more like a mosquito without needing props.

Alli, while I like her design --she has a crocodilian silhouette instead of being full-on one-- I feel like she's missing something. Maybe it's the eyes or her only having one fang. Surely a little snout couldn't hurt.

Then you have a bunch of cool or decent furry designs with expressive faces and they're all fursuits. Even Clancy is a fursuit, somehow, when Brawl Stars heads are not that small.

Idk, its disappointing that they don't want to commit to the animal motifs of certain brawlers. I guess they drank all the good-furry-design juice creating Moe in 2024 and then their cool-non-humanoid-design-and-concept juice to create Trunk in 2025.

There's also Lily i guess. SC did commit to her being a chimaera (not really necessary) so she ended up looking like a 12-yo OC. There's so much going on on her design but at the same time she looks boring.

Last nonhuman nonrobot was Gigi which I find meh. She's another mythic assassin and another female brawler with hourglass body (she's a doll so it's understandable).

life has been kinda shitty lately the past like 2 weeks, ugh helppp..

first few chapters of the novel, and we already see him denying any possibility of his being “good”, even if it's just in his mind, like those times with gilyoung and with sangah, and then with hyunsung and heewon.

he's also a cynic, not unlike hsy and yjh (though the sunfish borders pessimist at first), although he doesn't express it as much as the other two. he keeps expecting the worst of yjh sometimes, even after yjh has long proven he can be better. can't blame him for that though, not when we know that kdj knows all the ways yjh could get worse.

then there's the way he keeps leading everyone on, right before he jumps off the deep end and then goes off the grid and off the radar for god knows how long. he has “good” intentions, yes, but he leads them down the road to hell for that. one of his worst – if not the very worst – is during the 73rd demon king scenario. when he made them attack him with the intent to kill.

hsy herself even asked him: “do you think I'm a monster with no emotions?” because no matter how at odds she gets with the company, she still gets them in her own way. and it's really ironic, considering how right then and there in that situation, the one who could truly be considered a monster with no emotion is none other than kdj himself – all thanks to the 4th wall.

ysa had to break and remake her morals again. it's not the first time, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. but what hurts for her is that the one forcing her to do so was someone she cared deeply about.

gilyoung and yoosung looked up to kdj a lot and trusted him like they would a parent. what he did made way for them blaming themselves for being so weak the one protecting them had to die.

hyunsung and heewon dedicated themselves to becoming his sword and shield, because they didn't want him to put himself out on the front lines. but then to have the person they swore to protect tell them to kill him... that's not an easy ask.

gong pildu might not have had a lot of emotional interactions with kdj, but he still feels for the kid. because he can see that kdj did not have the luxury of a normal life as a child and it reflected on the adult he became. he doesn't want that for his own kid. he doesn't want her to end up like kdj.

ljh killed her best friend with her own hands. now she has to kill someone close to her heart, again.

yjh has his regressions – need we say more?

there's a lot of intersection here and there, but the commonality there is that they all got hurt by kdj. sure, at the end of the day he saved their lives, but not their hearts. demon king of salvation couldn't fit him any better.

the cycle repeats again for the rest of the novel, albeit at different levels.

there's also the times he has bad intentions but covers them up as good, but he wouldn't be the first to do that. it wouldn't be the first time he did that either.