#disappear here

When you made it back into your shared office, you were almost relieved to find it empty for once. You leaned against your desk and let out a long sigh, closing your eyes and relishing in the silence. But your peace and quiet was quickly ended as a pair of footsteps approached, stopping in front of you. For a moment you thought it was Murphy, he had been suspicious about your sudden change of mind, but hadn’t questioned it too much. He knew, you were sure of it, and if he didn’t know exactly why, he had strong inklings. The little looks he kept giving you and Javi gave him away.

You slowly opened your eyes and found Javi’s honey brown ones staring back at you, a crooked smile on his face. He reached up and put his hand on the side of your face, running a thumb gently over your cheekbone, “hi, sugar.”

“Javi,” you looked around to make sure Steve hadn’t somehow made his way in just yet. When you realized you were alone, you took his hand and placed a gentle kiss to his palm. He grinned at you before capturing your lips in a quick kiss. Your eyes widened at his audacity before the two of you broke into a small fit of giggles, “I told Noonan.”

“I’m sure she took that extremely well,” he cringed slightly at the mental image of that conversation. If he could have avoided her forever, it wouldn’t be long enough. He was by now means her favorite person, and he was well aware of that fact.

“About as well as you think,” you sighed, moving to sit down on your desk as Javi gave you a small smile, “she knows. She totally knows.”

“We’ll just be careful,” he promised and you nodded. If she had so much more than a mere hunch that you two were actually in a relationship, or anything, she’d have you back on the first flight to the states, you knew at that point your career would be all but over, “I promise nothing bad will happen.”

“If she finds out then my whole career will be over before it’s even really started,” you looked at him with raised eyebrows and he nodded. At least if something happened to him, he’d already established himself well enough not to have to worry about anything. You took his hand and playfully pushed him back towards his own desk, “so this - us, means we can’t do this at work, you cheeky bastard. Paws off until later.”

“But honey, you’re killing me-”

“Hey, did you two want to go and get lunch? There’s nothing good anywhere here,” Steve asked as he walked back in, nose buried in some papers. You and Javi quickly tried to play off anything that had been happened, pointedly looking away from each other, “if we leave soon, we can meet Connie. I know she’s dying to see you, Y/N, ever since she found you’re staying.”

“Lunch sounds great,” you both chimed in at the same time, causing Steve to look suspiciously between the two of you. So much for being subtle.

“What’s up with you two?” a small smirk it’s way on his face as your face grew warm and Javi looked anywhere but his face. If he didn’t know before, he knew now, “well come on then, let’s get going.”

He started to head out the door and you and Javi followed close behind. You narrowed your eyes at him, and stuck out your tongue at him, “you’re gonna get us found out, Javi!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make it up to you later,” he smirked quietly, giving your ass a quick smack causing you to yelp lightly. Steve paused for just a moment but didn’t turn around to face either of you, instead he just kept walking, shaking his head sightly. He fucking knew.

“Javier!”

»»————-　♡　————-««

Javier grinned at you as he pushed a piece of hair off of your face, letting the tips of fingers trace over all the highs and lows before stopping at the corner of mouth. You gave him a lazy smile before a yawn escaped your lips.

“Tired?” he teased as he draped an arm around your waist and pulled you closer to him.

“Wonder why,” you asked as you rested your head on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart slow back down to a normal rate. It was late, away later than you should have been up considering that you both had to be at work in the morning. But once things had started, they were hard to stop. And it wasn’t like you were particularly eager to stop anything when it came to him, “maybe you shouldn’t be keeping me up so late, Peña.”

“I don’t hear you complaining,” he was proud of himself with that little comment, as you jokingly scoffed at him, “unless oh Javi, Javi please, more, more, harder, is your way of complaining.”

“Shut up asshole,” you groaned as you buried your face into his chest. As soon as he had his way with you, as soon as he had he had his hands on you, you were lost to him and whatever coherent thought you had left was out the window, “you’re the worst!”

“Only kidding,” he promised, putting a finger under chin and lifting your face up to meet his, “I love you, you know.”

“I know,” you bit your lip as you studied him, still somehow managed to feel shy despite how intimately he knew you, or how often he reminded you that he loved you. It was different than what you just experienced before with your past lovers. He a combination of hard and soft, a duality that worked well with your fiery nature. You nuzzled your nose against his and just stayed there like that for a while before whispering gently, “te amo, Javi.”

“Look at that, you’re practically a Spanish aficionado now,” he teased before pulling the blanket over your bodies so you could attempt to get a few hours of sleep before work, “aren’t you glad you gave me a chance? I told you it’d be worth it.”

“Oh yes,” you laid back down and Javi automatically pulled you into his body, “I’m so glad I put everything, my career, my future, on the line for you-”

“Hey now!”

“I’m just kidding, Javi, lighten up,” you traced your fingers his bare chest as your felt your eyes growing heavier and heavier with the call of sleep, “I’m very glad. I’m glad every day. Sometimes I wonder if you’re worse off. You had to change everything, and only have me. Who’s the real winner here?”

“I would choose you and only you every time,” he whispered back, causing a smile to grow on your face as you finally shut your eyes completely, “you were worth it.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

Present Day

“No,” you shook your head fervently, trying your best to keep your angry tears from spilling down your cheeks as you looked between Steve and Javi, You didn’t want to cry and knew it wouldn’t help your cause, but you couldn’t help it. All you could see was red, “absolutely not. You’re not leaving me behind again.”

“Y/N, please listen to reason. Carrillo said this was dangerous-”

“I don’t give a shit what Carrillo thinks!” you stomped your foot for added emphasis.

“You did before!” he reminded you.

“That was then. This is now and I am ready for this. I’m sick of you leaving me behind,” you crossed your arms over your chest as you glared at Javi. You couldn’t believe his nerve, that he was trying to get you left behind yet again, “this isn’t fucking fair.”

“I don’t care if you don’t find it fair,” Javi raised his voice and Steve looked anxiously between the two of you, “it’s too fucking dangerous.”

“That’s not for you to decide!” you insisted, throwing your hands up in exasperation, “I am a grown woman, I am your partner, and most of all I have proven myself over and over to everyone during the last seven months. You all know that.”

“I said no,” he insisted through gritted through, his nostrils flared with anger. You knew if it had been anyone else asking to go he would have said yes. You knew he was only doing this because you were together, because he valued your safety more than anything else. But it still didn’t make it any easier, or less obvious that you were actually together. If you hadn’t been in this particular situation, you would have taken advantage of the moment - there was something about Javier when he was angry that turned you on. But not today. Not with this.

“It’s not for you to decide,” you insisted, glaring back at him with just as much as annoyance as he was giving you, “this isn’t all about you, it’s not always just Team Javi. It’s the three of us. Right, Steve?”

“I’m staying out of this one,” he said as he raised his hands in defense and took a step back, shaking his head. You rolled your eyes and sighed, “whatever you two have going on, you need to figure it. And fast.”

“Some fucking help you are, Murphy,” you couldn’t believe he was just backing out of this, “I’m going and that is final, Javi. I can take care of myself.”

“No,” he said quietly and shook his head, “you’re not. You’re staying here and that is final. I’ve already told Noonan and Carrillo and anyone else involved that you’re not coming. And if you do come, you’ll just go right back to the States, you’ll be done.”

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” you couldn’t help yourself as you shoved past him, making sure to slam into his shoulder as you did so, “you’ve got some nerve, Javi. How could you do this? I’m ready to come.”

“Honey-”

“Don’t you dare call me that right now,” you sighed as he tried  to follow after you, “you can’t just sweet talk your way out of this.”

“I love you,” he tried and you just groaned at him and flipped the bird. You didn’t even bother to respond to him as you stormed out of your office in search of something - anything, else.

“So, that’s a thing, huh?” Steve looked at him with wide eyes as he looked between Javi and the space you had just occupied. Javi let out a long sigh as he nodded, leaning against his desk, rubbing his tired face, “I think you should let her come. In all honesty, I think she’d be fine. She can handle herself.”

“She’s not going, Murphy,” he insisted firmly, “that’s final. I don’t want to hear another word about if. From anyone.”

They had left shortly after, without you having said another word to the two of them. It had caused your stomach to churn because you kept wondering what if. What if something happened to happened to Javi? Or Steve? And  the last tie you’d ever said them was basically a fuck you?

»»————-　♡　————-««

Luckily, nothing of the short had happened. Javi and Steve had come home in one piece. But things were different. Everything felt off - wrong.

Javi had been back for several days after being gone for several even longer weeks. Since he’d been back, he’d been quieter, more stoic than he normally was. So much unlike the man you had grown used too. Even when he held you, kissed you, or did anything with you it felt so odd. Almost like you were with a completely different person.

You hadn’t pushed him to speak, or explain anything; you knew how stressful his job could be: the long days, the sleepless nights, the horrors that meet your eyes on the daily. You, after all, shared the same occupation as him. But unlike him and Steve, you hadn’t been allowed to go on this mission, despite your pleas, so you had no clue exactly what they’d seen.

No, instead, you had been behind and become a glorified pencil pusher once again, working on menial paperwork. And hung around the phone, waiting for any call, no matter brief from Javier. And he called on occasion, filling you in on everything that was happening with him and Steve. If you were lucky, he’d spend more than five minutes with you and remind you, in a hushed tone, that he missed you and loved you. But it was different…less real.

But now he was home, back in your life on the daily, but it seemed like he might as well have been gone still. Your Javier had left you, and a mere shell of his former self had returned, someone you didn’t know anymore.

“Javi?” you asked quietly as you sat down next to him on the couch. He had been nursing a single beer for several hours, staring blankly at the television as he only made a comment here and there in response to your questions.

“Mhmm?” he asked without evening you looking at you. You sighed heavily and turned off the television and he finally looked at you, and unreadable expression in his eyes.

“Where are you, Javi?” you put your hand on his cheek, running a thumb over his soft skin.

“What do you mean?” he asked, his brows knitting together, an unreadable expression n his face, “I’m right here.”

“Your body is,” you agreed, “but your head hasn’t been. You’ve been quiet since you returned. It’s like you get lost in your own mind. Where do you disappear to?”

“Just…tired,” it was a clear lie, and he seemed mildly annoyed. You wondered if you should press the issue and decided you would; you’d been silent long enough. You were done dealing with this empty shell. You wanted your Javier back, the one you had so desperately loved.

“Javier,” you removed your hand from him and crossed your arms over your chest, “don’t lie to me. What’s wrong? What happened while you were gone?”

“Nothing,” it was a firm statement and offered no room for negotiation.

“Javi-”

“I said nothing was wrong.”

“And I want to know why you’re lying,” it was a challenge. He should have known better than to argue with you by now. He stood up and ran his hand through his hair, an exasperated look on his face.

“Y/N, just drop it,” he insisted, but you weren’t about to back down now.

“No, Javier, I won’t,” your tone increased in volume, “because you’ve been back and you’ve been treating me like garbage. If something is wrong, tell me, and we work on it together. We’re supposed to be team!”

“I said drop it!”

“No, I’m not going to. Now tell me what’s been going on!”

“I cheated on you,” it was declared without emotion, and it washed over you like a cold wave, crashing down hard. The air was suddenly so thick and tense that you could have cut it with a knife. The words just kept repeated on loop in your head, “are you fucking happy now?! That’s what’s wrong!”

“Get out,” you couldn’t even bring yourself to look at him. Of all the things in the world you had expected, this wasn’t one of them - he had promised you… He hung his head and sighed, unmoving, “I said get out.”

“Y/N-”

“Get out!” you shouted as you grabbed the vase from the table and threw it at him. He ducked and it shattered into a million tiny pieces, just like your heart, “get out! I never, ever, want to see you again.”

“Y/N,” he tried to reason with you one more time hurt you weren’t having it.

“Walk out that door and never come back,” you pointed sternly before turning around and hiding your face in your hands, tears steadily steaming down your face, “I never want to see your face again, Javier. Fuck you and get out.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

The next morning you’d somehow managed to drag yourself into work, despite feeling like hell. You had wanted to call in and let them know you were sick or whatever lame excuse you could come up with but you didn’t want to give Javier the satisfaction, or whatever he was after.

Before you knew what you were doing, you had stared gathering your things from your desk and stuff them all into an old banker’s box you had found lying around. You were on autopilot and nothing even mattered.

Not until he walked in.

You didn’t know what you were expecting, when you saw that he looked just as bad as you, it sent a pang of sadness through your heart. You thought you would have been happy with the sight, but you couldn’t muster up the energy to be spiteful or angry. Nothing mattered - he didn’t matter. You weren’t sure if that make things better or worse.

Before you knew what you were doing, you stormed over to his desk, causing him to instantly look up at you. His eyes were puffy - bloodshot.

“Was this the first time?” he remained silent as he avoided looking at your eyes. No. It was enough to bring your whole world crashing down around you.

“How many?” you asked and he instantly knew what you were talking about. Of course he did, “how many fucking others were there?”

“Honey, let me just-”

“No,” you cut him off, feeling the tears already welling up in your eyes as you stepped out of his reach, “you don’t get to call me that. Not anymore, never again. You could at least have the fucking decency to be honest with me. This was going on the whole time? How could you do this?”

He didn’t answer you right away, instead hanging his head as he breathed heavily through his nose. It was at that point that you felt your heart shatter into a thousand little fragments, yet again, as the tears spilled over and down your cheeks.

“I asked you for one thing,” you reminded him as you dabbed your eyes. The little break in your voice was enough to make him want to cry too, “one thing. It shouldn’t have been so hard. I gave up everything for you. A move, a whole new career step, only to stay here and be held back and cheated on this entire time.”

“Y/N-”

“No, I’m done,” you turned on your heel and heard for the door, leaving your box of things. You stopped just before you exited, turning back to give him one last look, “I want to hate you, and a part of me does. But I hope to God you remember this the next time you tell someone you love them. If I ever see you again, it’ll be too soon.”

You didn’t wait for him to say anything else before storming out, almost running into Steve. He looked bewildered as you just shook your head, before wrapping him in a right hug, “goodbye, Steve. I’m going to miss you and Connie most of all.”

“What happened?” he asked as you pulled back and just gave him a teary smile, “Y/N?”

“I hope our paths cross again one day,” your voice was soft as you walked away from, heading down the hall in search of Noonan’s office.

Steve jammed it into the office and found Javi sitting at his desk, head in his hands, “what the fuck happened?!”

“I fucked up.”

“Yeah,” Steve sat down at his desk with a heavy sigh, “you did.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

“So, you’re telling me, Agent L/N, that you’re once again asking for a transfer to Mexico,” it was hard, so hard, to keep yourself composed and not let the tears steam down your face. You didn’t want to embarrass yourself or give her the satisfaction of seeing you cry.

“Yes ma’am,” your voice was shaky, and it almost cracked. You felt more like a boy going through puberty, rather than a grown woman. Although in the moment you felt more like a silly child than anything. But you could only blame yourself; your biggest weakness became your greatest undoing.

“You realize the strings I had to pull ten months ago to try and you the position over there,” her voice was laced with venom, and in all honesty, you couldn’t even be mad at her. She had a point after all, “and when I had to tell them you had changed your mind.”

“Yes ma’am,” you answered, hanging your head as you stared at your scoffed up sneakers. You weren’t even dressed properly for work, hell you’d barely managed to drag yourself out of bed to make it to work.

“I’ll go and see what I can do. I hope you realize that these types of things aren’t done on one’s whimsy. These things take time and if you’re lucky, they’ll be able to take you.

“Yes ma’am.”

“You’re sure about this?”

“Yes ma’am,” you swallowed the lump in your throat as you nodded at the ground, “and if it’s that much trouble, I…I can go back to the states.”

“Is that what you really want?” she asked and you paused for a moment. Was that what you wanted? To just give up everything you had worked so hard for because of this? She noticed that you were silent you, so she carried on, “you were just starting to make a name for yourself. To give it all up now would be a shame.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“So I’ll see what I can do. I’m sure you’ll be able to do well in Mexico,” she stated and you nodded lightly, “I’ll place a call to Agent Breslin and see what he has.”

“Okay,” you said quietly, dabbing at the back of your eyes with the sleeve of your sweater. You’d tried to prevent the tears from spilling over, but it was getting harder and harder. You figured by her silence that you were allowed to leave so you started walking away, figured you’d just go home. Nothing else really mattered anymore.

“Agent L/N,” you turned around at the sound of your name and waited for her to go on, “I hope it was all worth it.”

You didn’t even bother to respond as the tears flowed down your cheeks. She knew exactly what she was saying, and the words were cold as ice. You said nothing as you slammed the door shut.

You can’t give her the satisfaction knowing that none of it was worth it.

Javier Pena had not been worth it.

»»————-　♡　————-««

Permanent Taglist: @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety @yourealegendroger  @thesecondlastjedi  @bitemerog  @rogernroll  @secretsweetscollectionblog  @sheridans-dynamos  @dinkiplier @starrystarrybabe  @onexlittlespark  @benhardyseyes  @marvelstuck  @whenthe-smokeisinyoureyes  @wonderwich  @a-kind-of-magik​  @lv7867​  @itissnowingandimstuckinside​  @dessert-hardy  @rogertaylors-lipgloss​  @rogerfxckingtaylor​  @queenbbarnes​  @drowseoftaylor​  @persephonesnebula​  @mamaskillerqueen​  @theimpossiblehologramtree​  @loveandbeloved29​ @meddows-rose @onceitbubbles​ @wonderwoman292​ @moondustmemories​ @spacedustmazzello​  @queenlover05​  @ah-callie​  @blushingwueen​​