long talk about gender and spirituality etc etc:
I've been transmasc since I knew the word for it. I came out as nonbinary at 14 and wanted to be perceived as a boy when I was a child.
as I've gotten older, I wanted short hair, and I wasn't allowed to by my father (I shaved off my eyebrows bc I was pissed about it in high school and then half my head). So the second I turned 18, my group of queer friends took me to their apartment and buzzed it completely off. It was amazing. It felt great. I had it like that for the next 9 years.
Now, I genuinely want my hair long. I'm coming back to my femininity. I realize that Dionysos had been trying to get me to open back up to this side of myself, but I desperately pushed it away because I wanted nothing to do with the womanhood I experienced, with being perceived as a woman, with any sort of femininity even though I did miss it deeply. I worry about not looking like I belong in my community.
But I've come to the realization that my shaved head was liberating at a time when I needed it. The past few years, I did it because it was protecting me from the advances of men, I walked at night without the worry, I wasn't accosted in the city I walked around in. It became something I used as protection not because I wanted any longer, it became the opposite of what it once was for me.
I now have hair past my shoulders. I love it. It looks good, I feel good. It's wavy, it's red, it's soft. I wear makeup intermittently again. I adorn my body in jewelry and perfume. I love it. I've missed it.
I remember someone queer called me a woman the other day and I felt a needle in my heart, and I immediately felt Dionysos' presence and him softly saying, "it's because you're pretty, it happens" and I laughed.
it's okay to be a pretty boy
