#digestdigress

Lemon meringue pie, La Leona, Southern Patagonia, 7/10. Look at the height of that slice! It's like a geriatric mohawk on a regular slice of pie so traumatised by his parents' early breakup in life that the salvation he found in punk music has stayed with him through his greying years and now, despite his tastes softening to a more diverse collection ranging from Dave Matthews Band to The Jonas Brothers, is worn as a point of pride next to his balding former bandmates. Half a bag of sugar and two cans of hairspray keeps the "There's Something About Mary" look alive. Phone for scale on account of the Patagonia fruit import ban rendering scaling bananas unavailable. #lemonmeringuepie #dessert #pie #patagonia #patagoniafood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at La Leona) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4sd3l1DOLS/?igshid=10r3iu9d0yyei

Buns with condensed milk, Dinesty Dumpling House, Richmond, 6/10. These may look like sweet cream chimney choads, or that Pillsbury Man just coiled out a few doughy logs in the back of house, or the only way to remove a set of overly tight nipple tassels was to tie them with string to a door and slam it shut like a 19th century dentist, or a friend's balloon knot after a drunken game of "hide the corkscrew" got slightly out of hand, but they tasted a lot less exciting than that. #mantou #mantoubuns #friedmantou #condensedmilk #dinesty #dumplinghouse #eatcouver #yvrfood #vancouverfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Dinesty Dumpling House) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5NsO0wD2KO/?igshid=qoeryjx1e4wb

Guanaco goulash with spaetzle, Maffia, El Chaltén, 9/10. Guanaco (a type of llama) is as far as I can determine not Spanish slang for wanking, making it weird that the waiter would ask "You know what is guanaco?" whilst making the universal sign for self-gratification. Fairly sure the chef could whip up my meat bowl without stopping by man's favourite outlet first, the added sense of flavour danger endured when the fruits of his labour came out in front of me. Fear of a tough meat to masticate soon slipped into a local melt in the mouth experience and a desire to never learn the true origin of the server's meat beating greeting. #guanaco #goulash #spaetzle #maffia #elchalten #argentinafood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Maffia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4fruu1Dg81/?igshid=i7cl64q24p31

Happy National Bubble Tea Day to you! Never forget that sugar and caffeine will always be there for you, through highs and lows. Unless of course you're diabetic, that probably wouldn't be a good idea. Maybe if you have heart issues too, should probably skip the caffeine I suppose. Come to think of it if you have a lactose problem bubble tea might not see you right either.... Well, let's not let common sense get in the way of a good time, cheers! Just try not to end the day in a jittery, hyperglycemic, painful chest, shitty pants mess. #bubbletea #nationalbubbleteaday #food #foodporn #digestdigress https://www.instagram.com/p/B_nfm0Jj2zm/?igshid=1m9srcsjffmxv

Jamaican jerk chicken, Orlando Airport, 4/10. While I'm distracted wondering how Americans manage to squeeze over 1,000 calories into chicken and rice, a luggage boy is busy tearing through my bag for what appears to be nothing other than the pure joy of opening everything inside and tipping it out into the main compartment, before repacking with both eyes closed and a refusal to use opposable thumbs. Nevermind sensible gun laws, accessible affordable medical care for all, a functioning school system or a political system that doesn't actively transfer wealth from those that need it most to those that need it least, best to enhance the lives of Americans by having the TSA use my suitcase as a snow globe. #jamaicanjerkchicken #orlandoairport #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Orlando International Airport/ATC Operations Base - FAAor) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7ljLuKDXXl/?igshid=afc4fufnbg2m

Mongolian beef noodles, Oodle Noodle, Edmonton, 7/10. Came for the name, stayed for the paper towels as I tried to remedy the stainage my trousers attracted when I dropped this down my lap and in an impressive effort of pinball wizardry bounced it back and forth down each leg inflicting maximum mess like an early pull out after a month's abstinence. Left Oodle Noodle looking like I'd attempted to transition food to shoe using only my hips and a harlem shake. #beef #noodles #beefnoodles #edmontonfood #yegfood #yegeats #yycfood #food #foodporn #digestdigress (at Oodle Noodle Box West)

Stack of pancakes with butter, maple syrup and shortbread, Jethro’s Fine Grub, Vancouver, 6/10. Cutlery for scale? Teapot for scale? Haemorrhaged stomach for scale? Given that these pancakes were similar in scale to Catholic guilt I almost required a second table to accommodate the stack and my shame. Like being waterboarded with piss the crumbled shortbread poured on top just added insult to suffering. #pancakes #jethros #food #foodporn #digestdigress #yvrfood #vancouverfood (at Jethro’s Fine Grub)

Toasted ice cream sandwich, Mister, Vancouver, 8/10. Ice cream: one of life's true pleasures, and as with all things great sooner or later someone's coming along to torch your happiness. Blowtorch use made this more gassy than a Polish countryside retreat but it still held together like a politician's marriage in the face of the second gay prostitute scandal. He might have eaten a fist-sized slab of cream that night too. #food #foodporn #digestdigress #icecream #icecreamsandwich #mister #yvrfood #vancouverfood (at Mister)