#difficult friends

11 November 2025, Chicago, IL — Blogpost

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My Dear,

I happened to be walking in the late afternoon thinking about my friends. Many aren’t the most ideal, I must admit. I would say I have one really good friend; I’m well aware that isn’t something to scoff about, most people don’t have even that. I just never see him—he lives in San Francisco and rarely do either of us have the money to visit. We met while I was living in Pittsburgh, and it was a tough time for both of us. I had just left a rather abusive relationship and he was struggling with his partner and work. We just clicked and it went on from there. He’s like an older brother to me—and I’m incredibly fortunate for him.

However, the other friends I have in and around Chicago are difficult. I often send good morning texts to them (I do this with my friend in SF too) and they may or may not reply. I am often the first to make plans, and when we do hangout it’s me keeping up the conversation. I have a difficult time meeting people despite being a canvasser for my day job. I feel terribly inadequate and almost like an irritant to others when I ask to meet. Objectively, I have much to offer—a keen eye for the arts, talent in multiple fields, intelligence, humor and wit—but I never seem to believe it’s enough. Maybe it’s time I reach out to some new people and attempt to build a friendship. It’s probably better than venting on tumblr.

With Love,

ok, so most of yall who will see or care about this know about the thing that happens a lot in queer spaces, specifically non mens queer spaces, where the mentality of "man bad hate all men no matter what shun men" is very prevalent and it can be really harmful specifically for trans men and trans mascs. well I have this friend, she's a trans woman and a lesbian, and at times I feel like I can't actually just be around her because she definitely shares that mentality to some degree (and this is not based on just a vibe she has literally said to me " I unironically hate all men"). and you'd think, or at least I did, that since she and I are both trans there would be a little more solidarity but it feels to me like she is allowed to embrace her womanhood and her femininity to all extents and in anyway she want and that she can be free to enjoy that. but for me it feels like I am not allowed to embrace my manhood or my masculinity and enjoy myself while doing so without being seen as "gross awful man" and kind of just not receiving the same support I try to give her.

To bring this situation up to date I’ve had the following text conversation this morning...

Why did she have to bring up the trust thing??? I know how important that is. And Bens actually encouraging it, it’s not fair that he’s now been slippered twice for her mistake! Reassuringly though he doesn’t want to be anyway near when it happens.

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My Dear,

I struggle with feeling cared for in my relationships and friendships. I know many people care and want me in their lives; yet, I feel as if the way they express their concern and affection is contradictory toward how I want to feel these things expressed to me. I honestly don’t know how I want to be loved and I think that contributes to much of the dismay in my personal life. I enjoy being held like most people and I feel it necessary to be told if I’m doing well or if I am genuinely loved. I could ask the people around me to be more verbal about these things and make efforts to console me in a physical way when I need it—but, I don’t know how they’d respond. My best friend in San Francisco is too far to truly be a support for these things and the people I know here in Chicago aren’t necessarily the best at receiving these types of communication. It’s a tough situation.

I don’t really know where to leave this post, but I guess I’ll end it with this. Human relationships require a level of vulnerability that can often be incredibly difficult to sustain; yet without it, these relationships are far from substantial or meaningful in any genuine capacity. I really have to learn to be more open about my needs if I want my friends to see me in the way I want to be seen.

With Love,

Béliveau.

Friend: I used to, but I stopped after Game 4.

Me:

Me: 

Me: